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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Women who are divorced… what was your final straw?

174 replies

ToughTimes88 · 07/10/2025 23:14

As the title says really?

Previous poster but name change for obvious reasons

OP posts:
Motnight · 08/10/2025 21:33

Bloody hell. What brave women you all are.

Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:34

washinwashoutrepeat · 08/10/2025 00:46

Hé didn’t consider me at all in any financial or family decisions. Apparently he was trying to protect me from stress but instead he made decisions for me, without me: and they were all bad decisions.

When it all came to light, I was expected to not talk about it, swallow everything and move on. Which I did try to do, for three years. Until I just couldn’t, any more.

@washinwashoutrepeat that’s so hard. You just kind of go on with things though don’t you?

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:36

Missy09 · 08/10/2025 00:36

My first partner used to beat me use all money for drugs last time he beat me I ran with our 5 month old to my mums followed hospital said one more punch I be gone that was my first relationship

Show quote history

@Missy09 oh god I am so sorry you went through this! I’m so happy for you that you’re out of there now. I hope you’re ok x

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:37

ARichtGoodDram · 08/10/2025 01:01

My ex, twenty plus years on, still tells people I ended our long term relationship because he put the ketchup in the fridge. Technically he is correct.

However, we were rekindling our relationship for the fourth time. He had walked out when our twins were 6 months old and said family life wasn't for him. We were on and off a bit, I forgave him because twins were hard work. he joined the military and was very unimpressed that I didn't instantly look forward to upping sticks to wherever he was going to be.

He used to not call when he said he would. He'd be late to pick up the girls when he'd said he would, meaning I had to leave work during overtime id picked up specifically because he was free to have the girls. He didn't pay the maintenance he was supposed to (we weren't living together as he was on camp and I was still in my flat I'd moved to when he bailed out). It was just a relentless cycle of him being a disrespectful and unhelpful prick.

I got home from work at 11pm, having taken an extra shift when he was having the girls because I needed the money. I'd bought a bag of chips on the way home and I went into my kitchen and discovered that the third bottle of ketchup I'd bought was also in the fridge. I hate cold ketchup. He knew that. He'd already put the first two in the fridge on previous visits and claimed it was accidental. With the third one I realised that he just did not give one single fuck to my wishes, not even when he was meant to be trying desperately hard, and not even in my own home.

That was the end of us.

Oh @ARichtGoodDram i feel you! We have things that bother us, that we discuss and nothing changes. But when we blow up about telling them for the hundredth time, suddenly we’re the problem?! That’s my fear

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:38

Crushed23 · 08/10/2025 01:20

Not a marriage but a longterm relationship.

When I realised I didn’t fancy him one bit and I could no longer keep having sex with him to keep the peace, and how much doing so for years had destroyed my sense of self. I was literally raping myself with his d*ck and it had to stop.

@Crushed23 jeeez! You poor gal. That is awful. I hope you’re ok now

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:40

Shouldhavelovedathunderbird · 08/10/2025 01:35

There were two defining moments with my exh. The 1st being when he did a covid test and left it on the side. It developed and was negative so I threw it away saying yes all negative. He screamed at me about being controlling in front of DC who shouted the worst thing, "Don't shout at my mummy." At that moment. I was done but trapped as I didn't work.

A few months later he forced me back to work. The night before I was crying and upset. I'd not worked in 10 years, was nervous, frightened and sad at leaving the DC in childcare. He kept saying that if I didn't go, he'd quit his job and we'd have no money, or that he'd tell his work what I'd done. That's one of his go tos, threatening to tell people what I'm like or what I'm supposed to have done, be it employer, my parents etcetera. I cried all night long. His aggression, disdain and lack of care that night made me realise I had been given a way to get out and I did.

The other excuse for a partner, he had a "gum abscess" that was actually a weekend away with the OW. That was a pretty easy ome but the fallout was strangely much worse.

@Shouldhavelovedathunderbird that first one sounds abusive and the second sound useless. Glad for you that you’re rid!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:41

Missy09 · 08/10/2025 00:13

He kept leaving every 6-7 months and we had 2 kids together he did this when my daughter was newborn till 1 around 1 years but we had another baby and the age gap is 1 3 days so had a 1 year and newborn and he kept leaving every few month seeing kids then would get back together I saw my mum keep leaving my dad for my step dad so I said that is it no more cos my daughter will grow up to think it’s ok for a man to come in and out when they please hello no so I filed for divorce I didn’t want to give up but for my daughter happily she ain’t seeing that xxx

Show quote history

Oh bless you. Just awful

OP posts:
Dogaredabomb · 08/10/2025 21:41

He was such a shit father that I lost all respect for him.

He phoned to say he'd had a car accident (uninjured) and I realised I was disappointed that he'd lived.

Also he mentioned my life insurance policy in a way I thought revealed just a bit too much about him wishing me dead too 😅

Ah, thank heavens for divorce.

Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:42

PollyDarton1 · 08/10/2025 02:29

Loads of small things, but it was the continual refusal to do anything as a family and being generally aggressive and abusive in front of our child and toward our child in the latter stages. I would get sworn at, shouted at, dismissed and called crazy regularly in front of our then 4 year old and I realised my son was picking up on his language.

The first straw should, in theory, be when he forced me to get an abortion after 6 months.

@PollyDarton1 he made you get an abortion?! That’s so sad. I’m so sorry!

OP posts:
TroysMammy · 08/10/2025 21:42

Yet another motorbike (kept in the kitchen) another bank loan and giving up yet another job. Going out cycling for hours when "in between jobs", not doing any house work whilst I worked full time to pay for everything. Making me catch the bus to work so he could go gallivanting about in my car. Take your pick.

TroysMammy · 08/10/2025 21:43

Thank God we didn't have children as that would again be something left to me.

shellyleppard · 08/10/2025 21:43

@RedFlagsAllOver sending hugs x you don't need this hassle x

Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:43

RyanFudgingMurphy · 08/10/2025 07:00

NC for this, but I've been here for years.

DD told our 16yo DD he wished she'd never been born.

This, after >20 years of EA towards me.

I was used to it. I could take it, or so I thought. But DD was going to be an adult soon, and I thought, ok, it seems he's going to start doing the same to her, and that broke me. She'd spent all her childhood watching him treat me badly.

I couldn't put up with it anymore. I couldn't see myself spending my old age with him. I needed to make a change. I needed to promise DD that things were going to change, and I was going to follow it through. And I did. It's my proudest achievement.

DD has since left home for uni. Before she left, she spent part of the week with me, and part of the week with her dad. She has felt she's able to stand up to her dad now. He doesn't like it when he's being told he's being an AH but he's realised he's lost a lot of power with both of us.

DDs grown up so much. She didn't go far, so I see her on a weekly basis. Our relationship has improved, so so much. I'm immensely proud of her.

Edited

@RyanFudgingMurphy rhat is horrendous and I’m so glad you’re relationship is better. I hope she is living a fulfilling life and he isn’t ruining it for her. Same for you!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:45

1234dre · 08/10/2025 12:33

When he told me he was actually gay, not heterosexual, after 13 years of marriage. Rather an important omission.

Omg @1234dre that is shocking! I bet it really upended your whole life. How are you doing now?

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:46

TroysMammy · 08/10/2025 21:42

Yet another motorbike (kept in the kitchen) another bank loan and giving up yet another job. Going out cycling for hours when "in between jobs", not doing any house work whilst I worked full time to pay for everything. Making me catch the bus to work so he could go gallivanting about in my car. Take your pick.

yep I feel you

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 08/10/2025 21:46

I finally got a divorce when he strangled me for not eating all my lunch. We'd had a lovely day at an isolated beauty spot until then. He stormed off and I was really tempted to run him over on the way home. Instead I drove home and started making plans to leave for good.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/10/2025 21:52

I'm not sure I had a "final straw" as such, but a realisation. He was violent to me, and he promised me it was only because of the stress of wedding planning even though he didn't help plan a thing and that he would stop when we got married.

He didn't.

The violence continued and escalated, and I realised that if I didn't leave him, he would actually kill me one day. So I started planning my escape.

Original poster
ToughTimes88 · 08/10/2025 21:53

Again, thank you everyone for your replies. It’s been eye opening.
I don’t think I’ve got round to replying to everyone as I wasn’t expecting this many!

My situation… been married 15 years with two amazing primary school aged children. Our relationship was amazing in the beginning and for many years after. He’s also a brilliant father. Things changed a lot during Covid. He lost his job. Hasn’t worked since due to not finding the ‘right job’. I’ve been working full time and even picked up extra shifts to make ends meet. We’re in horrendous debt because of this.

I do the lions share of the housework and with childcare he does more school runs but I do more bed times.

We’re like housemates now. No romance. Sex is occasional but I’m starting to feel very detached.

He’s never been abusive, and he loves the kids immensely. Which is why I am questioning myself. But I’m struggling to see another 40+ years of this

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 08/10/2025 21:57

@ToughTimes88 why has he not got a job?? I think you will end up despising him especially if you are working so much. Where do you see yourself in 10 or 15 years?? Sending hugs x

cupfinalchaos · 08/10/2025 22:03

When he told my 5yo dd he wished I was dead.

hereistandtoday · 08/10/2025 22:03

We were married for years but the last couple of years it got gradually worse, and then when we had our twins… awful.

I was admitted into hospital for around 3-4 weeks before giving birth, it was a very high risk pregnancy and we knew our children would be premature. I was petrified in hospital and he was my only visitor permitted as it was during Covid. He would go to work during the day and visit at night. I was worried he wasn’t eating enough so I asked my Mum to pop over to our house one day whilst he was out working hard, to fill our fridge. She found him laying on the sofa gaming. Turns out he hadn’t been going to work most days, but pretending he had been whilst I lay in bed in hospital alone and petrified.

6 weeks after bringing our twins home from NICU, I discovered he’d registered with an escort agency.

Our wedding anniversary came around, no effort made, despite the fact it had been a big year with us having the twins. My Mum came over to take care of the twins so we could go for breakfast. He made such an issue out of not being bothered I went out with my Mum instead.

My maternity pay stopped and I went onto SMP. Wasn’t worried as we had savings to lean on. Until I found out he had spent all of our savings.

He started booking himself into hotels so that he could get “a good nights sleep”. Leaving me at home with twin babies (I had forgotten what sleep was by this point). On one of his hotel trips, something clicked and I checked his phone bill online. He was at a woman’s house. I kicked him out…

And then, he gaslit and lied to me, told me our savings had been lost to gambling and he was in trouble with loan sharks. Sent me screenshots of messages from these “loan sharks” saying they’d burn our house down with me and the babies (who were 7 months old by this point) in it. I didn’t sleep for months, had all the locks changed, ended up on anti anxiety tablets, had to have friends and family come over as I was petrified that these loan sharks would hurt me and the babies. Turns out it was all a lie to distract me from all the other women.

Christmas came around, he still wasn’t home and spent his energy and money taking women out on dates. I still wasn’t back to work from maternity leave, surviving on pittance and caring for two 1 year olds. One evening, I had a grocery order containing the babies milk and nappies coming the following morning, I got a text from the supermarket to say the order had been cancelled due to insufficient funds in the account. I checked our joint bank account, he’d completely drained it and used the money to take another new woman on a festive weekend away.

3 years on, I don’t know how I survived it. I am a very forgiving person, but I can never forgive what he did to me and how he ruined what should have been such a special first year with my babies.

Divorced and happy now 🤍

Hollyhobbi · 08/10/2025 22:04

Not just one thing obviously but the time he left dd2 who was 5 and couldn't swim in a pool by herself while he went off to the deeper pool to do lengths! And he couldn't see what he had done wrong! I wouldn't mind but I was just gone to the changing rooms with dd1 so I could have taken her with me if I knew he was going to leave her on her own. Also the time my sister and brother in law were staying in our house and were woken up by banging on the door at 10am one Saturday. It was bailiffs who left a calling card as sister and bil didn't answer the door. Ex was running up debts on credit cards with a start up company in Canada whom he was employed by. Buying computers and phones and paying their phone bills. And not paying anything off the credit cards at all. I remember ringing a solicitor for some advice and having to check my credit score as he was also using our credit card. Standing in the supermarket after doing the big Christmas shop and our credit card being declined because there was a hold against it of hundreds of dollars by some hotel in the US. Telling me he wanted to give up work to write a technical book about cyber crime which he had no training in or qualifications in.

ChaliceinWonderland · 08/10/2025 22:06

Also a list of horrors but the moment was about 8 years ago when he wax drunk in the pub, again, as I was at football with ds in the field next door. Mum friends asked where is the the boys dad - I was ashamed to admit he was jn thd bar next door, ignoring hix own sons.
This, after years of alcoholism, stealing, lies, and threats.

We live far away now from his addiction and my children are safe.

AngelinaFibres · 08/10/2025 22:18

MerelyPlaying · 07/10/2025 23:48

When he said 'if you lost weight all our problems would be solved' 😂

(Just how my losing weight would 'solve' the fact that he'd been shagging someone else for six months was never explained.)

My husband left me for a skinny 17 year old. I was a skinny 30 year old. His reason was that I was physically repulsive and it was really unpleasant to have sex with me. I divorced him because its impossible to stay married to someone who is no longer present in the relationship ( or the home).

Anyahyacinth · 08/10/2025 22:24

hereistandtoday · 08/10/2025 22:03

We were married for years but the last couple of years it got gradually worse, and then when we had our twins… awful.

I was admitted into hospital for around 3-4 weeks before giving birth, it was a very high risk pregnancy and we knew our children would be premature. I was petrified in hospital and he was my only visitor permitted as it was during Covid. He would go to work during the day and visit at night. I was worried he wasn’t eating enough so I asked my Mum to pop over to our house one day whilst he was out working hard, to fill our fridge. She found him laying on the sofa gaming. Turns out he hadn’t been going to work most days, but pretending he had been whilst I lay in bed in hospital alone and petrified.

6 weeks after bringing our twins home from NICU, I discovered he’d registered with an escort agency.

Our wedding anniversary came around, no effort made, despite the fact it had been a big year with us having the twins. My Mum came over to take care of the twins so we could go for breakfast. He made such an issue out of not being bothered I went out with my Mum instead.

My maternity pay stopped and I went onto SMP. Wasn’t worried as we had savings to lean on. Until I found out he had spent all of our savings.

He started booking himself into hotels so that he could get “a good nights sleep”. Leaving me at home with twin babies (I had forgotten what sleep was by this point). On one of his hotel trips, something clicked and I checked his phone bill online. He was at a woman’s house. I kicked him out…

And then, he gaslit and lied to me, told me our savings had been lost to gambling and he was in trouble with loan sharks. Sent me screenshots of messages from these “loan sharks” saying they’d burn our house down with me and the babies (who were 7 months old by this point) in it. I didn’t sleep for months, had all the locks changed, ended up on anti anxiety tablets, had to have friends and family come over as I was petrified that these loan sharks would hurt me and the babies. Turns out it was all a lie to distract me from all the other women.

Christmas came around, he still wasn’t home and spent his energy and money taking women out on dates. I still wasn’t back to work from maternity leave, surviving on pittance and caring for two 1 year olds. One evening, I had a grocery order containing the babies milk and nappies coming the following morning, I got a text from the supermarket to say the order had been cancelled due to insufficient funds in the account. I checked our joint bank account, he’d completely drained it and used the money to take another new woman on a festive weekend away.

3 years on, I don’t know how I survived it. I am a very forgiving person, but I can never forgive what he did to me and how he ruined what should have been such a special first year with my babies.

Divorced and happy now 🤍

What he put you through…wow just wow. You sound an amazing woman …lucky twins ♥️💐

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