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Original poster

Would you rather know about an affair if it was now over?

127 replies

Queenofbadchoices · 07/10/2025 05:46

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I was seeing a married man on an off for nearly a year. Not just sex, there was emotion involved too. I cut it off the first time as I knew it was wrong and then stupidly went back, following which there was talk about his situation maybe changing and us being together. It's become clear that this won't happen and he's withdrawing - and to be clear I'm not looking for sympathy - but if you were the spouse in this situation would you rather know or not, assuming they subsequently fully committed to you? I'm not going to say anything as it's not my place to do so and I knew what I was getting into. Sex was always safe so no worries re STIs etc. I think I'd rather know, but maybe others wouldn't if this was a one off mistake in a c. 30 year relationship?

OP posts:
Highlighta · 07/10/2025 05:49

What do you mean by 'it's not my place to do so' ?

Do you mean you are considering telling his wife?

Mintyt · 07/10/2025 06:03

I think that if you’re thinking of telling his wife, why? If your thinking of telling your husband why? I also think you need to let the dust settle, lick your wounds and make better choices, although what you both have done is wrong there are emotions involved that need understanding. Me I would want to know and want to know everything. Hurt me with the truth not a lie, but once it’s said it can never be unsaid, think hard

Original poster
Queenofbadchoices · 07/10/2025 06:15

Thanks. No, I just mean that it's not my relationship so not my business to say anything. I'm single so no one to tell on my side. If he feels guilty then he can tell her, but I can't see that happening. I guess it means that she's living with this person, probably for the rest of her life, with this huge betrayal that she knows nothing about. Maybe that's preferable for some, but I think I'd rather know. I agree with the point around making better choices

OP posts:
CafeDucky · 07/10/2025 06:25

It sounds as if you want to tell her and it’s a bit late to now be talking of massive betrayals. You did that to her too.

redemptionwoes · 07/10/2025 06:27

You inserted yourself into their marriage so yes it has become your business. And condoms don’t protect against all STIs.

if I was the wife I’d want to know

Highlighta · 07/10/2025 06:27

You need to walk away from this whole situation OP including thinking about what is best for his wife.

You come across as angry (are you?). Maybe you know that throwing a curveball by her finding out, will cause issues in their relationship.

You are better than this OP. Move on, and put this behind you. And do not have any further contact with him.

101WaysToFail · 07/10/2025 06:32

I’m going to sound contradictory here, but as a wife I would want to know, likely it would confirm things to her - if he is the type of man to have an affair then I doubt he’s a good husband.

BUT, your wanting to tell her is not the Samaritan act you want to think it is OP, it’s coming purely from your own selfish and somewhat destructive needs - you are not a good person, perhaps work on yourself.

Firstworldproblems2025 · 07/10/2025 06:35

Now he’s ditched you, you are worried about this “huge betrayal she knows nothing about”. Why weren’t you concerned about that before? Why were you a willing participant in a huge betrayal? Frankly, I think you need to do some work on yourself, leave this poor woman alone.
If she’s been with him 30 years this probably won’t be the first time, he obviously is of very poor character, so she more than likely already knows.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 07/10/2025 06:39

Telling afterwards because you ‘feel she needs to know’, is such rot. It’s always just revenge from the spurned party. Don’t pretend it’s for her sake.

If you knew he was attached, you’re no better.

SirRaymondClench · 07/10/2025 06:48

It's a little late now for you to be considerate of his wife OP, after you've been fucking her husband for so long. 🙄

Maybe now it's over rather than ruminating on what his wife knows (and we all know you are debating whether to tell her) you should now work on why you felt you deserved so little as to be some cheating married man's bit on the side.
You deserve so much more than that.

Screwyoudavid · 07/10/2025 06:49

Your morals are too late here OP, shame on you.

Zanatdy · 07/10/2025 06:50

I doubt it’s a one off betrayal. Men like him have many affairs. Maybe she is aware. Either way, not your place to tell her.

Lennonjingles · 07/10/2025 06:51

Personally I would want to know, but not from the other woman, it’s not your place to go telling. Maybe he regrets his actions and tells the wife, I know I couldn’t live with myself if I had cheated on my DH.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/10/2025 06:55

I'm sure she'd rather know and I'm sure he'd rather she didnt so he can continue to enjoy the lifestyle he's become accustomed to.

Either way I'd devote yout time and energy to self improvement / healing not blowing up and damaging this woman's life further.

You clearly have self esteem issues to have gone down this road and I imagine the future faking followed by his rejection of you and was very painful for you.

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/10/2025 06:59

it's not my relationship so not my business to say anything.

So it was enough of your business to knowingly fuck a married man and be complicit in his cheating, but it's not your business when it doesn't suit you? This woman deserves to have the information, so she can make informed decisions about her own life, and you know he isn't going to treat her with that respect. Someone should, even if it's you.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 07/10/2025 07:02

I would want to know. Other people should never know more about my marriage than me, the one actually married - imo.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/10/2025 07:04

Don't pretend to give a shit about this woman, you don't.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/10/2025 07:05

Duplicate post

Minnie798 · 07/10/2025 07:08

I wouldn't want the OW contacting me to let me know.
Id question their motives for doing so in the first place. I wouldn't for one second believe they were concerned about my best interests.

PermanentTemporary · 07/10/2025 07:09

For you I think telling her would just be an attempt to stay involved in his life and I don’t think you should.

I personally would not want to know - I think I’m in a minority but I’m not the only one. You don’t know anything about her and you never will. Stay away and think about more positive things.

Reachedthefinalstage · 07/10/2025 07:10

You won't be the first mistress he has had.
Yes she deserves to know just exactly what type of man she is married to.

OhFeyreDarling · 07/10/2025 07:10

You need to have a good look at why you want to tell her OP, if its to split them up so you can finally 'have' him just know that this rarely works out. He will do anything and everything to not come accross as the bad guy to his wife, he might be willing to cheat on her but 30 years is a lot of stability to give up.

If he has genuinely future faked you and you thought he was leaving her then tell her if you must, but tell her it all with evidence so they can't call you the crazy one (they might anyway, you have no idea on their relationship) but be prepared for it to turn into a shit show for you.

Best option is to walk away and work on why you felt an unavailable man was the only option for you, you deserve better than breadcrumbs

Humanswarm · 07/10/2025 07:11

You want to tell her now, because he's withdrawing from you and that hurts you. This isn't about what his spouse deserves to know or not. You came on here for validation so telling her means you could wrap that up as some form of female solidarity. You failed there when you fucked her husband.
Whilst she has a right to know, let's not pretend this is anything other than you, licking your wounds.

Zempy · 07/10/2025 07:11

I would want to know.

Orangeoranges42 · 07/10/2025 07:30

I would want to know.

however, you really are just a bad person aren’t you?
this poor wife, will lose her future, give her so many insecurities, potentially ruin children’s childhood and change their relationship with everyone they know around them and how the view life and effect them growing up.
This poor wife has probably been taking on extra chores around the house to cope with his absence already. That shirt you took off him- she likely washed and ironed that. His energy- from
the food she lovingly cooked. She likely sacrificed enjoying herself to look after him and be a good wife.

im surprised you suddenly have compassion for her now? But didn’t when sleeping with him.

I hope you feel how you deserve too .