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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you rather know about an affair if it was now over?

127 replies

Queenofbadchoices · 07/10/2025 05:46

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I was seeing a married man on an off for nearly a year. Not just sex, there was emotion involved too. I cut it off the first time as I knew it was wrong and then stupidly went back, following which there was talk about his situation maybe changing and us being together. It's become clear that this won't happen and he's withdrawing - and to be clear I'm not looking for sympathy - but if you were the spouse in this situation would you rather know or not, assuming they subsequently fully committed to you? I'm not going to say anything as it's not my place to do so and I knew what I was getting into. Sex was always safe so no worries re STIs etc. I think I'd rather know, but maybe others wouldn't if this was a one off mistake in a c. 30 year relationship?

OP posts:
Shipshow · 08/10/2025 13:50

Thewookiemustgo · 08/10/2025 00:23

OP I think you need to ask yourself some brutally honest questions, all starting with “Why?”

Ask yourself why you didn’t want to tell his wife and wonder all this stuff when you were having a great time, the affair was in full swing and you knew you were actively choosing to play a part in her betrayal. The dilemma didn’t occur to you then. Why?

Ask yourself why you didn’t want to tell her when it ended, but secretly looked her up on social media instead to try to glean information. The dilemma didn’t occur to you then.
Why?

Ask yourself why, when it started up again, you still didn’t want to tell her and the dilemma didn’t occur to you then.
Why?

Ask yourself why, now that he’s withdrawing from the affair, if you still have no intention of telling his wife, you have discovered a huge dilemma situation that was there all the time and you are posting on Mumsnet to see if women would rather know if their husband is having an affair.
Why now?

Why it only looks very much like a dilemma to you now, is the really big question.

You maintain however, that to tell or not to tell is absolutely not a dilemma, you would never tell.
So also ask yourself this: why risk a flaming here and why do you need anybody’s opinion?

Unless you are a journalist researching this topic for an article, or lying to yourself and/ or us about your intentions and are actually trying to get validation for telling her and blowing her life apart, (yes , I know he did that) your motives for being here and asking don’t add add up to me.
Without risking getting a caning here you could have given this a quick Google and tons of stuff appears from elsewhere already written.
If an OW posts on here she usually is asking for advice, they don’t show up and risk a flaming just for a musing or a ponder which risks a great deal of hostility.

Ask yourself this question:
If I’m really never going to tell, why on earth have I outed my OW status on Mumsnet in asking a question it would be safer and easier to get answered elsewhere?

The reveal is still part of the affair bubble.

Imagining the outcome of truth, because truth never existed in the affair.

It would make what they had or what op thought they had feel real and meaningful, even if they never got to make it together as a couple. So it serves as confirmation that love existed.

The other point is knowing full well that the relationship will not progress but having the power to ruin the relationship he and his wife has, to stop it dead in it's tracks and hopefully forever.

All affairs affect the betrayed and it is that power which they held during the affair which they want to continue holding, the power to hurt, the power of control.
It's a massive high and one that ow become addicted to believing they hold the power, but in many cases there are many ow who eventually realise it was never their power but their affair partners who held the levers of power.

If you squeal afterwards for apparently no gain, then it is about not accepting you were used.

Missj25 · 08/10/2025 13:53

Highlighta · 07/10/2025 06:27

You need to walk away from this whole situation OP including thinking about what is best for his wife.

You come across as angry (are you?). Maybe you know that throwing a curveball by her finding out, will cause issues in their relationship.

You are better than this OP. Move on, and put this behind you. And do not have any further contact with him.

I agree completely with highlita..
I understand you probably like him a lot & I’m sure he liked you too, but relationships that get off on the wrong foot like the one you entered into never end in happiness..
You deserve to meet your person, a man that is not committed to anyone else , someone that is yours , that it’s not all cloak & dagger ..
Stay away from him , his wife , the whole messy situation…

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