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Original poster

Would you rather know about an affair if it was now over?

127 replies

Queenofbadchoices · 07/10/2025 05:46

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I was seeing a married man on an off for nearly a year. Not just sex, there was emotion involved too. I cut it off the first time as I knew it was wrong and then stupidly went back, following which there was talk about his situation maybe changing and us being together. It's become clear that this won't happen and he's withdrawing - and to be clear I'm not looking for sympathy - but if you were the spouse in this situation would you rather know or not, assuming they subsequently fully committed to you? I'm not going to say anything as it's not my place to do so and I knew what I was getting into. Sex was always safe so no worries re STIs etc. I think I'd rather know, but maybe others wouldn't if this was a one off mistake in a c. 30 year relationship?

OP posts:
Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 07/10/2025 08:39

I really don't understand the people saying it's not your place to tell her?? Who's place is it then? The husband? Because he's not going to tell her, is he.

I would always want to know.

AhBiscuits · 07/10/2025 08:46

I would want to know so that I could leave and not continue with a relationship based on a lie.

anotherside · 07/10/2025 08:46

I think you should tell your husband. You lied to and deceived your husband for almost a whole year. He deserves to know who he is living with. Splitting up would probably be best for both of you.

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 07/10/2025 08:49

anotherside · 07/10/2025 08:46

I think you should tell your husband. You lied to and deceived your husband for almost a whole year. He deserves to know who he is living with. Splitting up would probably be best for both of you.

She's not married.

chunkybear · 07/10/2025 08:49

I think you were both in the wrong, he’s either genuinely made a mistake with you and trying to reconnect with his actual wife, in which case leave them to it. Possibly he’s a serial cheater and you and his wife have been played - either way I’d leave it but I certainly wouldn’t go back to him he’s bad news

ILikeBigBookssandIcannotlie · 07/10/2025 08:52

Using condoms doesn't prevent all STIs. So you can go back to feeling tremendously guilty about that for starters. (And i would get an STI test too- if he's happy to cheat on his wife with you he was probably also likely to.shag other women too)

I would want to know. Not least so I could get an STI test

R0ckandHardPlace · 07/10/2025 08:53

You weren’t feeling guilty when you were opening your legs for him. Don’t pretend that you’ve had a sudden attack of conscience. You’ve hurt his wife enough, leave her alone.

ILikeBigBookssandIcannotlie · 07/10/2025 08:53

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 07/10/2025 08:39

I really don't understand the people saying it's not your place to tell her?? Who's place is it then? The husband? Because he's not going to tell her, is he.

I would always want to know.

Same. People staying silent is how others get away with cheating. If you know, and you don't tell the spouse, you are complicit

AutumnWreath · 07/10/2025 08:54

It's called revenge when an affair partner tells the wife / husband of the affair .
Also I don't see it as a kindness . It's like saying " I ve been fucking your husband for months , but now I'm not , I'll tell you about it "
I hope she finds out about it , but it shouldn't be you .

Nigelladamascena · 07/10/2025 08:54

I would want to know so I could get rid of the lying piece of shit. I agree with Minty who said 'hurt me with the truth not a lie'

The poor wife probably has a feeling that something is not right but being fobbed off and gaslit by her husband. Her sexual health is also being put at risk.

AgentPidge · 07/10/2025 09:05

No. Walk away and leave them to it. Revenge won't make you feel better and it'll only sour the feelings you had. If he's true to form she'll find find out anyway - if he's turned over a new leaf then they'll live happily ever after and you won't have dropped a bombshell. Accept that it wasn't for ever (sounds as if you have done that) and forget about them both. Find yourself a decent fella.

Original poster
Queenofbadchoices · 07/10/2025 09:06

AutumnWreath · 07/10/2025 08:54

It's called revenge when an affair partner tells the wife / husband of the affair .
Also I don't see it as a kindness . It's like saying " I ve been fucking your husband for months , but now I'm not , I'll tell you about it "
I hope she finds out about it , but it shouldn't be you .

I agree - it would be making an innocent person collateral damage in an attempt to hurt the person who has hurt me and would be beyond selfish and cruel. I kind of hope he tells her - not so that she kicks him out so I can have him or anything like that - but because I think it'll always be at the back of his mind otherwise. It might be bad between them at the moment (if what he's told me is true) but if they work on it and things improve then I can't see how there wouldn't be lingering guilt there. Or maybe I'm just projecting and he doesn't give a shit. Not my circus, not my monkeys I suppose. I just like to understand things, it helps me move on

OP posts:
mumoftwoboys321 · 07/10/2025 09:06

As someone who found out this year my partner was having an affair with a married woman I can saftly say I wish someone had told me what he was like.
he was very good at leading a double life playing the loving partner at home whilst lying to my face giving another woman his attention and time. I think telling a person what their spouse is like needs to be done correctly with facts and not done out of spite. Some people do make mistakes but that would be sex if there’s more to it and it’s an affair then yes I think people have a right to know that the person they love is leading a double life. Either way it’s damaging and painful.
the main problem these days is people don’t have the right morals it’s to easy to cheat and hide things life gets busy relationships feel boring compared to the excitement of someone new. But let’s be honest if you’re a decent person you wouldn’t have an affair. There’s far to many men and woman out there that just don’t think about what their actions do to people adults have full understanding of what they are doing and no right from wrong and still CHOOSE to do what they do. If your doing it to gain him do you really want him he done this to his wife and would more than likely do the same to you.

Clonakilla · 07/10/2025 09:12

User37482 · 07/10/2025 08:24

Nah I know exactly who made promises to me, it was my DH and I made them to him so I wouldn’t never touch another man. Other people don’t owe either of us anything, no woman is responsible for DH keeping his vows or not, he’s not a baby, he’s a grown man. As I said, I understand temptation very well, many of us do.

I think going anywhere near a married man is a recipe for heartbreak for a woman and thats a good enough reason to do it but we have to stop acting like women are responsible for mens behaviour. OP didn’t have to help him but he’s the one who owes fidelity to his own wife.

Show quote history

But we don’t only treat people well when we’ve made specific promises to do so. It’s not ok to do things that you know will devastate a stranger just because they’re a stranger. That would be an awful code to live by.

Nigelladamascena · 07/10/2025 09:14

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 07/10/2025 08:39

I really don't understand the people saying it's not your place to tell her?? Who's place is it then? The husband? Because he's not going to tell her, is he.

I would always want to know.

I agree. If you don't tell her, who will?

Feijoafruit · 07/10/2025 09:17

If you think she ‘needs to know’ why didn’t you tell her the first time you flirted with him? Or the first time you got cosy with him? Or the first time you had sex with him? Or after the first week? Or the first month? Why are you suddenly thinking about what she needs now? Why didn’t you think about her before you decided to get involved with her husband?

colourconfused · 07/10/2025 09:18

If I didn’t have kids I would want to know but I do have kids and wouldn’t want to know

Cynic17 · 07/10/2025 09:19

No. What would be the point in knowing if the affair was genuinely over? Why cause unnecessary unhappiness all round?

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 07/10/2025 09:19

Yes. I would want an STI test immediately.

arcticpandas · 07/10/2025 09:19

I would definitely want to know! Imo your not the first nor the last and the wife deservs to know.

TippityTappity · 07/10/2025 09:20

I would want to know. It would be horrid and heartbreaking to find out but I’d rather know and leave, than continue to plod along, thinking my marriage was solid when it wasn’t.

SushiDisco · 07/10/2025 09:22

Let’s be real OP, you aren’t telling the wife because it’s the moral thing to do you’re telling her because you want to destroy their marriage in the hope that the husband chooses you. (Which if he did you’d be second best)

arcticpandas · 07/10/2025 09:23

Queenofbadchoices · 07/10/2025 09:06

I agree - it would be making an innocent person collateral damage in an attempt to hurt the person who has hurt me and would be beyond selfish and cruel. I kind of hope he tells her - not so that she kicks him out so I can have him or anything like that - but because I think it'll always be at the back of his mind otherwise. It might be bad between them at the moment (if what he's told me is true) but if they work on it and things improve then I can't see how there wouldn't be lingering guilt there. Or maybe I'm just projecting and he doesn't give a shit. Not my circus, not my monkeys I suppose. I just like to understand things, it helps me move on

Show quote history

Too late ! She already is collateral damage she just doesn't know it yet. She deservs to know the truth and you would do her a favour telling her (don't expect any thanks though) because he will go on and cheat again with someone else. I wish I had known about exdp- I wouldn't have wasted my time trying to make things work in our relationship.

Lampzade · 07/10/2025 09:25

Humanswarm · 07/10/2025 07:11

You want to tell her now, because he's withdrawing from you and that hurts you. This isn't about what his spouse deserves to know or not. You came on here for validation so telling her means you could wrap that up as some form of female solidarity. You failed there when you fucked her husband.
Whilst she has a right to know, let's not pretend this is anything other than you, licking your wounds.

This

NortieTortie · 07/10/2025 09:26

I would want to know. I'd probably lash out at the other woman (yes, my husband is the one who made the vows, blah blah, I still think we owe others the basic decency of not sleeping with their partner) but I'd rather find out asap than risk it coming out later or as a guilty deathbed confession from dh and realise I wasted my life on him.

I'd be much more concerned with everything else to care about the OW's motivation in telling me.