Would you rather know about an affair if it was now over?

[Queenofbadchoices]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I was seeing a married man on an off for nearly a year. Not just sex, there was emotion involved too. I cut it off the first time as I knew it was wrong and then stupidly went back, following which there was talk about his situation maybe changing and us being together. It's become clear that this won't happen and he's withdrawing - and to be clear I'm not looking for sympathy - but if you were the spouse in this situation would you rather know or not, assuming they subsequently fully committed to you? I'm not going to say anything as it's not my place to do so and I knew what I was getting into. Sex was always safe so no worries re STIs etc. I think I'd rather know, but maybe others wouldn't if this was a one off mistake in a c. 30 year relationship?

I would want to know.

however, you really are just a bad person aren’t you?
this poor wife, will lose her future, give her so many insecurities, potentially ruin children’s childhood and change their relationship with everyone they know around them and how the view life and effect them growing up.
This poor wife has probably been taking on extra chores around the house to cope with his absence already. That shirt you took off him- she likely washed and ironed that. His energy- from
the food she lovingly cooked. She likely sacrificed enjoying herself to look after him and be a good wife.

im surprised you suddenly have compassion for her now? But didn’t when sleeping with him.

I hope you feel how you deserve too .

I would want to know. I wouldn't want to live with a man who could do that to me or I would at least want to make my own decision if I would or not. If he's done it once, and became emotionally involved, he can and probably will do it again.

She may already have her suspicions, I would want putting out of my misery if I did.

To be clear, I'm not going to tell his wife. It would be easy enough - I looked her up on Facebook the first time we split and I have loads of evidence - but I have absolutely no desire to hurt her more than I have already. I'm well aware of my part in it and am not getting to shift blame. I think I asked the question as my position feels contradictory, i.e. I would always rather know if it was me, but in this position I wouldn't tell

No, the contradiction is this…..if you knew this was a huge betrayal and how you would feel if it happened to you, why on earth did you do it in the first place? Where was all your hand wringing when you thought he was going to leave her for you? And why did you fall for this tale as old as time?
Also, stop looking her up on Facebook. Leave her alone.

This is a rather odd situation @Queenofbadchoices . You are sleuthing on the wife of the married man that you were seeing, knowing he was married, to get evidence of the affair that you were involved in. Is this the trump card that you think you hold to manipulate him into a relationship with you? Or to simply burn it all down now that he has finished you?

You don't get to actively work to hurt her and destroy her marriage when you think you can steal her husband, then hurt her again in spite when you've got nothing more to gain, and to pretend that you are doing so out of concern.

How incredibly selfish.

You are right, it's not your relationship. You are also right that keeping an affair that is over a secret is also a betrayal of the marriage vows. If he isn't telling her then he is still being unfaithful but that's not your problem. He is probably currently looking for (or maybe has found) a new affair partner - but that's also none of your business. We already know he's a shitty person so no surprises there. The only question is whether you have any interaction with his wife. If she is within your circle of acquaintances and you see her and talk to her then you keeping quiet and dealing with her as if you weren't part of this betrayal means that you are still part of it, and you can't stop being part of it until the truth is out. If you don't overlap at all then put it behind you anf get on with your life.

Add "trustworthy" to the list of non-negotiable minimum requirements that a man must meet before you want to shag him. This is for your own protection, you will get hurt if you choose an untrustworthy man. Adulterers are not trustworthy. If a man is unhappy in his marriage and yet is a good person, he would end his marriage, make formal arrangements to ensure his ex wife and any children are in a fair and appropriate situation, and only then seek out a new partner when ethically free to do so. The fact that so few men manage to follow this path of decent trustworthy behaviour does not mean that this standard is too high, but that men are in general shittier than we like to imagine.

Op, you are probably one of many . Sorry to break it to you but you aren’t special .
If he really loved and wanted you he would have left his wife .
You were merely his bit on the side and he will probably replace you .
Just move on , do not have any contact with this man and stop spying on his wife
Let it go

Nailed it.

If he was otherwise faithful and a good husband, and this was a blip in a long mostly happy marriage, I think I'd rather not know.

If it was part of a pattern, he was otherwise actually a bit crap or I was already a bit resentful and unhappy I'd rather know, but I'd hate you both for doing it and for telling me. Do you know her?

OP she may know, she may choose to ignore it, she maybe having her own affair. Unless you know otherwise choose to leave that one alone. Equally people whi cheat won’t ever just cheat with one partner, you maybe one of many.

It is a tricky question to answer on behalf of a completely unknown woman.
But I don't recommend you even consider contacting her. I was contacted by an AP and I really could have ripped her face off. The rage I felt towards her was enormous. And him, obviously.

I know all of this, honestly. I'm not looking for sympathy. And I'm not stalking her - I looked her up when we split the first time so that I could face the reality of what I had done and not go back there. Clearly I failed - it was a particularly difficult time when we rekindled and I had no other support, but this doesn't excuse it. I work with him (although not closely) so will go as low contact as I can. Thanks for the responses, it's pretty mixed as I expected

I would want to know, but I think you should examine your own motivations here. Is it possible that actually you are the one that feels betrayed because he’s backing out?

I actually think the worst person here is the man in question. OP you would be better off just walking away from it and not wasting your headspace thinking about him or his wife.

The reality is most people have no intention of leaving their spouse, they might find their affair partner attractive or exciting but don’t actually want to end their marriage. I had a mega crush on someone and I would have been really tempted to have an affair (tempted, but push comes to shove I wouldn’t have) but would I have for one second considered leaving my husband for them? Absolutely not. I’m not judging you, I can see how it happens.

Thats probably hard to hear because he basically lied to you too and you are emotionally invested but he was never going to leave his wife. I know I’ve got a good thing with my DH and fleeting attraction to others wouldn’t be enough. He had a good time, he probably fancied you, it was fun but he doesn’t love you and he probably never did. I’m not saying that to be cruel, men generally are pretty good at making sure they get their way. If he wanted to leave he would have left.

It's funny how women like you are never worried about the wife while you're sleeping with her husband and sneaking about with him behind her back. You are the lowest of the low.

I think the lowest of the low is the husband in this scenario tbh. I wouldn’t blame a woman for wanting my DH, he’s bloody lovely, I’d be mightily pissed off he was actively pursuing other women or just wandered off.

Both as bad as each other.

It tends to go against the grain on here, but I'm very much of the mind that you don't meddle in other people's business.

OP it sounds like there's a little bit of "If I can't have him, she can't either" going on here in wanting her to know (though appreciate you've said you won't tell her).

There's a C-suite guy I work with that was having an affair with not one, but two junior colleagues. Another colleague took it upon themselves to rat him out, and all hell broke loose. Both women ended up having to leave the organisation and the man somehow emerged from it with only minor scratches on his reputation, marriage still somehow intact, and is now on to the next target (eww). He tried it with me at a works do not long ago, and I laughed so hard at him I almost spat my drink all over his designer suit.

The world isn't kind to the women in these situations - OW especially, but wives too, as they are looked down upon for staying, but in reality often do. This guy's wife is a SAHM/influencer type, and I'm guessing her own earning potential wouldn't run to the lifestyle she currently has, we're talking private schools, spa weekends, and certainly not that amount of extensions, Botox and fillers. She was never going to let him run off with a junior manager, and if she's stayed purely to make his life awkward and ensure he continues to fulfil his commitments to his family, well, there's some strength in that I suppose, even though she's not my sort of person.

Married men are a thing to stay well clear of, and I would be blocking him and anybody connected with him so you aren't tempted to check. No contact is what's needed so you can properly move on. And some therapy to figure out why you ended up with this man and accepting the scraps/being discarded when it no longer suited him.

The woman is the lowest of the low because now she's realised he's not leaving his wife she wants to put that trauma on the wife

Nah I know exactly who made promises to me, it was my DH and I made them to him so I wouldn’t never touch another man. Other people don’t owe either of us anything, no woman is responsible for DH keeping his vows or not, he’s not a baby, he’s a grown man. As I said, I understand temptation very well, many of us do.

I think going anywhere near a married man is a recipe for heartbreak for a woman and thats a good enough reason to do it but we have to stop acting like women are responsible for mens behaviour. OP didn’t have to help him but he’s the one who owes fidelity to his own wife.

I usually focus on the married man and encourage telling the wife…but you seem to be trying to minimise, I don’t believe that you’ve genuinely decided against contacting her, and I don’t buy that you’re motivated by conscience or morals.

It wasn’t a “one off mistake” for either of you. Each time he met with you, called you secretly, sent you a sordid little message, he made a conscious decision (not a ‘mistake’) to betray his wife. Condoms don’t 100% protect against STDs, she almost certainly knew something was up, and he was almost certainly gaslighting her to cover his tracks. You knew he was married, but you chose to go back to him and to carry on this affair, so you also made repeated, conscious, active choices that you knew would hurt an innocent woman.

If you’d had this moral crisis when you ended it the first time, I’d believe that you wanted to out him out of concern for her. But you didn’t do that. You went straight back to fucking her husband, and it’s only now that he’s withdrawing that you’re wondering if you should tell her. You didn’t care about her then, and you don’t care about her now. She does deserve to know, but she doesn’t deserve to be a pawn in your game: blowing up his marriage won’t make him choose you, and hearing about this (from the bitter ex-OW who’s either playing ‘pick me’ or is out for revenge) is only going to hurt her even more.

Getting involved with a married man was drama for you. Admit it.

you didn’t feel guilty at the time. You enjoyed every dramatic minute.

Now it’s finished you’re looking for your drama hit.

If you want a peaceful life stay away from married men

She’s posting on here to sort through her feelings. She absolutely needs to be clear that this is coming from a place of anger, resentment and most likely jealousy and feeling like she’s been lied to. We are all human, none of us is perfect, she hasn’t done anything yet. If she was truly awful she would have just done it and not bothered posting about it. Even if she was hoping for some support for her position, isn’t it better that she posts on here and gets talked away from pushing the button on this.

She’s said she doesn’t expect any sympathy, she came with her hard hat on. Theres no point in kicking her, whats done is done. What mumsnet can do is try to help her make a better choice going forward. You dont have to agree with what someones done to show a bit of compassion for a very human mistake that millions of people have made and will continue to make.

OP leave the married ones alone, it’s not worth it.

She has said she isn't going to tell the wife. I suppose OP may be looking back now it's over and feeling some guilt/having more empathy for the wife's position, which if it prevents her from repeating this sort of a relationship in future, can only be a good thing. Affairs are good for nobody. I always feel the lion's share of the blame goes with the married party, as I've seen and heard too much of the BS married men in particular spin to get women into bed, but that doesn't exonerate the single affair partner completely either.

You made it your business when you became the third wheel in their marriage. You have no thought to her then so it seems strange that you would now. Maybe you just want to blow the marriage up because you can’t have him? You’re probably not his first bit on the side and unlikely you will be his last. I would want to Know if my husband was a cheat but I wouldn’t want to hear it from the woman he had been sleeping with

I completely agree.