Would you rather know about an affair if it was now over?

[Queenofbadchoices]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I was seeing a married man on an off for nearly a year. Not just sex, there was emotion involved too. I cut it off the first time as I knew it was wrong and then stupidly went back, following which there was talk about his situation maybe changing and us being together. It's become clear that this won't happen and he's withdrawing - and to be clear I'm not looking for sympathy - but if you were the spouse in this situation would you rather know or not, assuming they subsequently fully committed to you? I'm not going to say anything as it's not my place to do so and I knew what I was getting into. Sex was always safe so no worries re STIs etc. I think I'd rather know, but maybe others wouldn't if this was a one off mistake in a c. 30 year relationship?

I wouldn't want to know I don't think, purely because I would never be able to get past it and get it out of my head.

Queenofbadchoices I think if I was the wife I would rather know about the affair. He was never going to leave you because he was having his cake and eating it having the best of both worlds im afraid. Married men always say they are not getting sex at home when they are. My friends husband was having an affair and she told me they were having more sex then ever but then she found out . They worked things out for a while but it didn't Last xx

It sounds like your real motive is to fuck with his marriage because he didn't pick you.

Under those circumstances, stay far, far away.

No. If it’s over, then leave it be. It won’t help you if you upset the wife.

But it’s your business to sleep with her husband? 👌

OP - you have no idea if you’d really wanted to know after 30years of marriage, You are not in her place, not in their relationship, etc.

Equally - everybody saying - I’d like to know,
say it hypothetically.
In reality - MN is full of posts starting ‘I always said cheating will be a deal breaker, but not it happened to me - I don’t want to leave’…
and many say - they wish they didn’t know.

So - move on and let them be.

I'd say, maybe you should have thought about the fate of a 30 year marriage this before embarking on and continuing on the affair.

Asking yourself the question now, when the damage is done to their marriage, is too late. It also smacks of some type of revenge upon him. You won't escape unscathed this also has the potential to blow up your life in some ways too.

For all you know, he has confessed and she knows everything.

It's not upto you to be judge and juror on his 30 year marriage or his wife when you are the other woman, just beacuse you are single and have no-one to confess to, doesn't mean you should tell her.

Walk away and move on with your life and start looking forward not backwards.

This exactly. It's easy to say you would want to know on a faceless forum and very different when you are picking up the pieces of your life, children and everything else that comes with a marriage.

Leave them both alone. You've done enough damage

So, what do you say when you've been cheated on and the affair partner acts like she's the injured party and verbally attacks and abuses the wife? A whole new kind of crazy!!

I have been cheated on. I am still married to him and unless he does it again, I have no intention of leaving. No, I won't go into details of why we are still together.
I wish I didn't know, because there is no unknowing it, there is no putting the genie of knowledge back in the bottle. I would rather be in blissful ignorance and only him have to live with the guilt and shame of his betrayal, and not have me being party to his affair.

@Buenos I feel your pain. I am in the same situation.

She may already know and some really don’t care, but don’t be the messenger as they always gets shot.

@Buenos and @Mac56 - are the only two people on this thread who can speak from actual experience, and I hope OP will listen to them.

It's not OP's place to decide what this poor woman's life turns into. The man decided to stay with his wife and break off the affair. Yes - not the ideal or fairy tale situation. But what's done is done and nothing can change it.
Telling the wife would only hurt her, and for no reason. And after a 30years of marriage - it is likely to crush her. Why do that?

Trust me she prob has a feeling or knows but waiting cos I was other woman too and well in general us women say trust ur gut and we just know and sounds like he is realising he can’t be with u or has no intention and is trying to get out of this same was for me my situation changed I can’t see a way to be together you are worth more but I do understand when emotiona is involved people say it not real some times it is xxxxxxxxxx

OP I think you need to ask yourself some brutally honest questions, all starting with “Why?”

Ask yourself why you didn’t want to tell his wife and wonder all this stuff when you were having a great time, the affair was in full swing and you knew you were actively choosing to play a part in her betrayal. The dilemma didn’t occur to you then. Why?

Ask yourself why you didn’t want to tell her when it ended, but secretly looked her up on social media instead to try to glean information. The dilemma didn’t occur to you then.
Why?

Ask yourself why, when it started up again, you still didn’t want to tell her and the dilemma didn’t occur to you then.
Why?

Ask yourself why, now that he’s withdrawing from the affair, if you still have no intention of telling his wife, you have discovered a huge dilemma situation that was there all the time and you are posting on Mumsnet to see if women would rather know if their husband is having an affair.
Why now?

Why it only looks very much like a dilemma to you now, is the really big question.

You maintain however, that to tell or not to tell is absolutely not a dilemma, you would never tell.
So also ask yourself this: why risk a flaming here and why do you need anybody’s opinion?

Unless you are a journalist researching this topic for an article, or lying to yourself and/ or us about your intentions and are actually trying to get validation for telling her and blowing her life apart, (yes , I know he did that) your motives for being here and asking don’t add add up to me.
Without risking getting a caning here you could have given this a quick Google and tons of stuff appears from elsewhere already written.
If an OW posts on here she usually is asking for advice, they don’t show up and risk a flaming just for a musing or a ponder which risks a great deal of hostility.

Ask yourself this question:
If I’m really never going to tell, why on earth have I outed my OW status on Mumsnet in asking a question it would be safer and easier to get answered elsewhere?

youre a scorned attention seeker

ffs grow up

People come here for advice and to talk not to be spoke to like that if u don’t agree then don’t look at topic ?

What makes you think some really don't care.

I've never known any wife be happy their husband is having an affair.

Admitedly wives are less likely to 'kick up' if they are dealing with an abusive husband.

How you believe some don't care actually worries me.

I think you are missing a point. Not wanting to know about a finished affair is NOT the same as being happy/OK with a husband having an affair. Not wanting to know about a painful event in the past that will continue to hurt you in present and future - is a very normal self defence reaction.

And it’s not a matter of belief - as it is for you, a hypothetical belief. Two people on this thread said this directly. They are in the W’s situation, and stayed with their H’s. And they would have rather NOT known - as it’s painful.

I don’t think it anybody's place to question ot judge them for this. They were just brave enough to admit it. Many more in same situation are too scared to.

Reality of life - marriage, kids, shared lives - is that far more people do not leave their spouses after affair discovery. And it’s not because their H’s are abusive - it’s because lofe is long and divorce is hard

No. I've been eviscerated on here for saying it, but if it's in the past, it's over and he is committed to me, no, I don't want to know. I'm happy, my family is secure, my husband loves me, I don't want to know. And I wouldn't thank anyone who dropped it on me and then just disappeared feeling like a good person.

In theory, I agree with you @ThatCyanCat. If it is over and done with, I think I would rather not know. The big problem with that is that if they get away with it once, and you are non the wiser, what is to stop them doing it again?
But on a basic level, if it was a one off, never to be repeated then yes, I would rather not know.

Yes id still want to know, tell the wife

I don't know if he'd do it again. As far as I'm aware he's never done if at all, but I don't know if he'll do it in future for the first time.

What I do know is that if he is cheating or has done, he's doing a great job. I suspect nothing, he's loving and committed, my family is happy and secure. If I suspected, had some evidence and was going mad, maybe I'd feel differently, if it came from someone I knew and trusted and was going to stick around and support me.

But I don't, I haven't and I'm not, so I can't think of anything worse than some stranger - maybe even someone anonymous, because they've decided it's their place to drop a bomb but protect only themselves, it's not their business enough to take consequences - blasting into my life with that, and then buggering right off to leave me in the rubble, and polishing their halo like they've done me a great service.

I don't want to know. That's my choice.

Quite agree!