Would you rather know about an affair if it was now over?

[Queenofbadchoices]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I was seeing a married man on an off for nearly a year. Not just sex, there was emotion involved too. I cut it off the first time as I knew it was wrong and then stupidly went back, following which there was talk about his situation maybe changing and us being together. It's become clear that this won't happen and he's withdrawing - and to be clear I'm not looking for sympathy - but if you were the spouse in this situation would you rather know or not, assuming they subsequently fully committed to you? I'm not going to say anything as it's not my place to do so and I knew what I was getting into. Sex was always safe so no worries re STIs etc. I think I'd rather know, but maybe others wouldn't if this was a one off mistake in a c. 30 year relationship?

He's the problem here too people - he's the married one.

But I think your motivation is revenge and hurting. I'd leave it for a while till you can truly say you are over him, the affair, hoping he'll come back to you - all of that and can see him and the affair for what it was. And then think about whether you really want to get involved in this.

You want to tell her so she kicks him out and he comes back to you. It may or may not work but do you want more drama?

Personally no, I wouldn’t want to know, it would be too hard and destroy the family dynamic we have.
If my DH was seriously thinking about leaving me, then of course I’d find out when that happened. Other than that, ignore is bliss, and I think you’d just be doing it to hurt them both.

I think it’s time to move on and stop seeing him, you know it’s wrong anyway.

I seem to be one of very few who wouldn’t want to know! After 30 years she’ll know who he is, in my view

Yes I would want to know. It would be taking away my informed consent and manipulating my reality. I couldn't be with someone who thought it was OK to do that to me. I imagine they might say something about saving me the pain but what they really mean is them. Save them the pain and the uncomfortable.

It's another layer of betrayal to keep this from someone. Say if they are sleeping together currently if they knew this information would they still want to? Is that sex then consensual?

Why would you want to or consider telling her?

If you genuinely did not know he was married and you've discovered he'd deceived you both, there would be good reason to. But you knew. You KNEW.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, as they say.

I think if you did choose to tell her it would be purely for revenge.

Revenge on her for finally winning the prize (🤷‍♀️) you wanted, so the loser lashing out would hurt her, like a drone strike dropping a bomb into her life from a safe distance.

Revenge on him for not following through with the mirage, the outcome he dangled in front of you in return for a fuck.

The 'huge betrayal' ? That was committed by you. Against all decency, kindness, morality, and deliberately harming a complete stranger.

Don't try to kid yourself or us that it would be the kind thing to do. There's no kindness here.

And beware - if you chose to do something that could take away his cushy life, you'd have no way of knowing how he'd react and it could be dangerous for you. They can turn very nasty indeed.

He’s gone back to his wife as he’s realised that is who he wants to be with, not you, so why don’t you walk away with what dignity if any you have and leave them to it, hopefully she does find out and gets rid of him anyway, no other advise than to say how awful of you, I’d be truly ashamed and you have to be a horrible person to have an affair with a married man, hope it’s taught you a lesson.

that is a horrible phrase and completely patriarchal.

If you're not responsible for telling her then no one else is going to, certainly not her cheating husband who wants to have his cake and eat it.

If you have unquestionable proof, and it sounds like you do, then I think it is your responsibility to tell her. Her husband is the one cheating on her, not you (not that that makes what you did ok!) and she deserves to know who she's living with. When she has all the information then she can make an informed choice.

I'd much rather find out sooner rather than later and not waste my whole life on a loser. Your motivation for telling me would be immaterial.

TBF what she was doing was hardly for the good of womanhood was it?

You're the worst type of woman.

But you already know that.

And he's a shit.

I’m sorry but I won’t affirm women who destroy other women.

Probably the wife already knows, but doesn't want to shatter the family dynamics at the moment. As a woman, I think we all have female intuition, and if an affair has been going on for a while, especially an emotional affair ... I think we would have an inkling.

I do get how after a long marriage, what you don't know can't harm you. At a point in life where you are possibly not too far off retirement and plans for that have been made, I can totally get that you would rather not know.

What I will say though to @Queenofbadchoices , is if you have been on the other side, ie if you were the cheated on wife, then I bet you would think twice before shacking up with a married man. As then you will know full well what that feels like. I was cheated on, and I could never bring myself to knowingly put another woman in the situation I was in.

I suppose this is still part and parcel of the affair, the weighing up of how much secondry treatment you need to suck up.

You were prepared to be a side order in his life, that was the agreement, there are many women who would not entertain this but to keep hold of him you had to make concessions.
You are now in the bargaining stage of grief for the loss of the relationship, you know he doesn't want this and quite frankly you being wary about divulging the facts to her makes it sound as though you are afraid of him.

He's a nasty piece of work and no doubt he will do this again with another woman who will accept his terms.

You won't do anything, this is just another dream, part of the affair bubble mentality, it's not reality.

Just take the wisdom with you in your next relationship and realise being an affair partner is the lowest rung for respect for yourself as a woman.

Yes.
It always comes out and at least you get the chance to make a decision on what remains of your life

What he's told you isn't true. It's not bad between them any more than any other marriage has its ups and downs- otherwise he would have left, especially knowing he has another willing idiot waiting in the wings.
He's been telling you it's not good to ease his conscience and so that you don't think of him as a terrible person - despite you continuing to mess around with him knowing full well he's being an unfaithful liar to someone he is committed to and who loves and trusts him.
As much as I'd want to know if I was his wife, there's no good to come of it.
They'll likely stay together, the statistics on these things back this overwhelmingly. But in the mean time she and any children they have will be devastated and you will get the backlash (I'd argue rightfully so, but since it's you asking for advice...)

I’m guessing you would jump to tell her though if you could take some moral high ground that you never knew about her or that he was married and had only found out after the fact but you can’t so it might be a bit embarrassing for you if you had to tell the whole truth to this woman. In my opinion you should tell her regardless if it’s your place to do so as you say and tbh you probably weren’t the only one he was cheating with. There’s no winners here but at least do the right thing and let his wife know so she can make her own decision and have any suspicions validated that she may already have had. It’s not quite the same but I contacted one of the women that my partner had been cheating with and she called me and we had a friendly chat about what exactly had been going on. I was not hostile towards her whatsoever and if I’m honest I still wouldn’t have been even if she had told me she had known about me and my child. Knowing the truth is peace of mind even if it’s not going on anymore.

No, I wouldnt want to know. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

OP are you ok? It sounds like this man has put you through it

The truth about affairs though is generally it is the women who are in danger when exposure occurs, that includes the female ap and the betrayed wife.

Men can be dangerous animals, especially when they are in the wrong.

Sometimes I think it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie.

I would totally tell his wife. He is the one married not you. Dont feel guilty. I would 100 percent want to know!

Wow at all the people who will tie themselves in knots to justify keeping a cheat's secrets

Why are you so worried about her mental health now? You didn’t seem bothered when you were shagging her husband and plotting his exit.

What you don't know can't hurt you, !!!

Sounds like sour grapes op he was planning on leaving marriage to set up home with you, ((that old chestnut ))op, well he wasn't op he planted that seed to keep you on side, they very seldom leave their wife's op ,
So you need to twoodle off and leave them be, yes he will probably have another soon anough, but what wify doesn't know won't hurt her