How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

Could you raise her 10 % and give it back to her, so she leaves? Or could you build an extension that's self contained?

This arrangement was a very very poor decision. You shouldn't have agreed to it. If left as is, it will destroy your marriage. You might already be past the point of no return but it's worth trying to untangle the mess as you've got nothing to lose. You need to sell the house and all cut your cloths to suit your measure.

Ive found from experience they rarely like standing up to their mothers and dont want to play piggy in the middle and certainly wont stand up for their own family unit
For this reason ive not spoken to my mil for almost 10 years.

DH and I have just had another argument about it where I pretty much quoted the poster who said he needs to tell her to respect my boundaries or I'll end up divorcing him. He kind of batted it away and couldn't see just how much it is impacting my ability to enjoy my home. I told him I've been taken for a mug and in a marriage if you regret your decision you can leave but she's like an undivorceable partner.
You're all right I should never have agreed to it in the first place but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm sure many of us have exes we wish we'd never moved in with.
The person she was when she was with FIL was different from this Hyacinth Bucket caricature she's become since her divorce as well. I didn't realise a lot of her views before I lived with her.

You’ll never feel at peace in your own home, and your whole children’s childhoods will fly by with this being the case.

This quote really resonates as is exactly what I'm worried most about. I would leave but I couldn't do tgst to DC so I think I need to get MIL to leave. I don't think the annexe would work any better than a kitchenette as she'd still come in just to have company. In the short term I need to set my boundaries more clearly.

I'm done with being a mug and taken for a fool.

Bless you OP, I hope you can find a pathway to a peaceful life.

Please don’t wait OP.

Seek legal advice ASAP about buying her out, I think it’s the cleanest option. It was her choice to give away £40k taking advantage of your kindness. It’s far easier to do it now than waiting 5 years. Your DH currently cares more about an easy life and his enmeshment to his mother than for your happiness: let that sink in. He needs a short sharp shock.

So she’s got 140k, even without the gifts being called in? Around here that would get a 1 bed flat or a nice place in a retirement block, where she’d have company and support.

You were absolutely mad to get into this position. And to let her give away all
that capital. But only way out is to do something drastic.

I would say get her own bit of the house made self- sufficient but I suspect this won’t work. So I agree, you need to be honest with Dh that this isn’t working and he either agrees to sell the house and give her her money, or buy you out and you get a 3 bed place with the kids. They can’t keep it anyway if you stop paying the mortgage, so what you say goes.

I'm afraid you've ruined your life by caving to this nonsense. Not much you can do now, maybe see a lawyer and find out what your options are for leaving?

I pretty much quoted the poster who said he needs to tell her to respect my boundaries or I'll end up divorcing him.

I'm sorry OP but I think this is hugely unfair to saddle your DH with! Mumsnet will always side with women and blame the man for everything, but YOU are the main earner here, you are holding all the financial cards and there is no way in hell this could have gone ahead without you being a very willing participant of it.

I really feel for your situation, honestly I do, I love my MIL but would hate the living arrangements you describe, but it is not your husbands 'problem' to solve.. it's BOTH of yours, I can't believe you would threaten him with breaking up your family because of a bad decision YOU made, that's horrible.

You and DH need to be a team, and work on getting the privacy you need as a family, either by splitting the house up properly so you both have your own private space that neither of you can just walk into, or actually talking to her honestly about boundaries.

I hope you manage to work it out somehow!

Jesus, so DH's siblings get £20K each and you get landed with MIL. Your salary does NOT make up for that shit deal.

I feel for you. She's only in her 60's, so you cannot realistically live with this woman for what could be another 25 years! You need her out and she needs to get herself a job to pay her way in her own home.

This just isn't working.

ETA she was incredibly foolish giving away £40K of the £180K total she had when she was only in her 60's, utterly stupid thing to do on her part.

Agree with all the other comments re getting her out / not ruining your enjoyment of your DCs childhoods (& it really does fly by) but in the meantime is there a way to have internal doors with locks that mean she can’t come into your section?

Is there a way to make the two areas independent of each other eg if she has her own entry, can you lock the shared door?

I'd be looking at ways to make that happen. No entry to her section? Put in a door. No kitchen? Put in a kitchenette. Then enforce boundaries. You are neighbours. You need some alone time in your own home with no visitors. Maybe you agree the shared door is only open 10-4 daily and then locked so you each get peace. Whatever the arrangement you each need to have some time apart.

Is there enough room in the garden to do a self contained small house for her? That's more expensive but much clearer boundary wise.

OP you need to remember that as the only earner you have all the power here. No matter how they feel about things they can’t force you to continue with the arrangement.

You need to sell up ASAP and split the proceeds in the proportions invested. Sorry if I’ve missed this but why can’t your DH go back to work and get his own mortgage on a home for her?

Oh my god your relationship will absolutely collapse unless you get her out now. A relationship cannot withstand the toxic bitterness and resentment this will create. Cannot stress this enough.

Only you can assess whether your husband (cannot call him DH!) really wants to make your marriage work, or whether you have been deliberately put in a position where you get to lose your kids & home if you complain - with MIL taking your place just for her 10% investment. (When my ex partner stayed at home while I went out to work as main earner the express legal advice given to me was that he would get sole residency if I ended the relationship - this is a real thing. It happens.)

If husband really does want to remain married to you - as opposed to sponging off you & living with his mum & kids in a house you pay for- then you both need to work out a way to get her out immediately. New kitchenette & talking to her about boundaries won’t cut it- you have lost your privacy in your home. Well, lost your home, in fact.

Did no one advise you against this? Your own family said nothing?

Sounds to me that she can’t afford her car if she’s spending everything on that instead of supporting herself. The priorities are all fucked. She needs a job.
Honestly, get out of this relationship. You have kids to support.

DH and I have just had another argument about it where I pretty much quoted the poster who said he needs to tell her to respect my boundaries or I'll end up divorcing him. He kind of batted it away and couldn't see just how much it is impacting my ability to enjoy my home

That's a huge problem. You basically said you'll walk, and he's not taking it seriously? I'd get my ducks in a row while you try one last time with the boundaries. None of his family members seem to respect you - him included.

I think you should take legal advice OP.
Also start standing up to the house dragon, gradually- boiling frog style🐸

As soon as you are able to, you need to buy out her share of the house, and then have the conversations that should have been had before this set up, about what she can actually afford and what her life needs to become.

I read your posts OP and felt stressed just imagining how claustrophobic the whole situation would feel. I think your MIL would be aware of the strain. I think some great suggestions on here. I hope you find your peace 💐

Before the advice below, you need to do two things. One- divorcing etc will be work and difficult conversations. You are better off having the difficult conversations now with your mil. ‘I need this house to ourselves Monday Wednesday and Friday, you have your own living room. You are rude and constantly critical, and do not help us: I need the house to just us and our dc. If not dh and I will be divorcing, the house will have to be sold and you can live in two bed flat with him.

and think carefully about how you feel about your husband after this. He’s not on your team, do you want to stay married or has this fundamentally changed how you feel?

but if you’ve told him how this is divorce territory and he’s not acknowledged that, My goodness I’d see a divorce lawyer and lay out the divorce basics for him, which is house sold, will he be housing his mum? You don’t intend to pay a penny more to cover him housing an extra adult; your income will go to supporting your dc.
how much can you afford? Can you buy another house, and move in, with the dc for half of every week, while you push for starting the sale? I’d move mountains to close this out now.

If the garden is big enough I would put an annex at the bottom with a seperate access for her
Then make it clear that if she wants to visit she needs to agree that with you
Just as if she was living further away

Your dh needs to tell her that’s the only way it can work
Whilst you’re waiting for the annex to be built a kettle and a few cooking items in her space can keep her going. Microwave, air fryer etc. she has £40k so she can kit it out herself.

Then in the long run when you can in 3 years time sell up

These kinds of relationships are always inherently difficult. Of course, she will, first, think she knows better because she's older and, second, feel defensive because she knows it's not her home turf.

Seems to me that you have two things to do first: 1. Make sure that your husband will be on your side and back you up as you try to be firm, and 2. Sit down and think about crafting how to respond to her (possibly taking input from a friend or counselor if that's available).

There are a few basic stances for responding, and you have to choose what works best for your temperament.

Some things you'll just want to express directly and earnestly, like saying, "Please, I'd appreciate it if you could give me a half-hour's breathing space when I get home from work." (Actually, my mother did that with me when I was a teenager. ) Similarly, you (and your husband!) can explain that it's the kids' house, too, and they get to be noisy - you can add that you enjoy the sounds of kids playing, and she should, too. And, by the way, why isn't it your husband making dinner?

If you can use a bit of teasing humor, that is great. For instance, if she comments on the dog's food being left all day, maybe you can say something like, "I was hoping that in your spare time you'd train him to wash his dish." Or, "Well, kids are kids and will always make noise - but we can give you some ear muffs for Christmas."

Another option is to be open about your being annoyed - but you'll call it being "hurt." As in, "It really hurts my feelings when you criticize me like that. Are you trying to be deliberately hurtful? Why would you say that?" Or, "Considering that I'm shouldering most of the burdens here, it really hurts my feeling when you sound so unappreciative and critical." It can help if you can burst into tears.

The racism is a tough nut. I once converted someone from being right-wingy to being left-wingy, but it was took about a year. I would just have short exchanges, and occasionally give him a short article saying, "This might interest you, apropos of our conversation last week." It's certainly worth a try. But you might have to end up saying as politely as possible that, in effect, you find her views not only antiquated but offensive, so it's better to avoid the subject for the present.

Good luck.

You have a husband and mil problem. Sell the house, take your kids and leave. You should never have agreed to it knowing what she is. You are not responsible fir her abd you do not want her poison around your kids. Start planning on the Qt now!

A kitchenette in her lounge, if you could arrange a utility space for laundry, maybe in an airing cupboard in her rooms & a lockable door or block up a door between her rooms & the rest of the house if she has her own entrance.

Then she pays her share of the bills, if she isn't working she can claim UC so she can contribute. You may have to go through the council for separate council tax/water bill, she can buy her own TV licence. She took you for mugs, you are in effect feeding & keeping her while she contributes nothing.

The way we dealt with this was by having the conversation about what’s acceptable - and then backing that up with a physical barrier so she can’t just wander in. A simple bolt on the door works a treat.

The problem you have is your DH not taking you seriously. If you were in agreement you could put together a plan -your MIL might resist the change at first but having clearly enforced boundaries really works. You don’t ever let them blur - not ever - and that keeps the two households distinct and separate.

There are lots of ways to make it enforceable - and it sounds as if you have a decent-sized property to do it. Remove shared areas, extend/remodel her wing to create a kitchenette, and ensure she has her own front door. Bolt on your connecting door. She comes through via invite or request only. No exceptions.

You need to talk again to your DH.

Just thinking, one thing that helped me was getting my DP to put himself in my shoes. Ask your DH how he’d feel if it were YOUR DM living there, wandering in, criticising him, and saying unpleasant things whenever she felt like it. Would he still so relaxed? Or would he feel quite resentful about your mum taking over his personal space? Sometimes helping them to see the other side can be quite illuminating. I know my DP isn’t great at seeing alternate views so doing this exercise helps us.