How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

When we accept free child care from a relative we need to treat them with respect. It is unfortunate that you now find MIL an irritant but she has a right to free access to what is now her home. It is clear that you regret the original decision to share a home, but if you go down the route of asking her to move out in all decency you need to forfeit the free child care.
I feel a bit sorry for your OH who is between a rock and a hard place.

OP's DH does the vast majority of the child care. MIL provides child care for her BILs children, not OP's children. OP would happily take more out on the mortgage to give MIL her £100k so she can buy a home and move out.

OP, I hope you can keep a log of everything that happens, it will help you when it comes to building a case to get the best outcome for yourself and your children.
Please don't let your partner and your mother-in-law know that you are taking legal advice, you need to get ahead of them and get everything organised before they even know that anything's going to happen.

@Mischance the Mil is unavailable to be childcare for OP as she’s busy looking after the Bil”s kids…a rather mad situation all round really!

So on this thread the husband is a lazy sack of shit and a user but every other SAHM on this site is a saint who has sacrificed themselves and their careers (that they never had) for the greater good of the family. Unfucking believable lol.

feel free to divorce now OP but be prepared to lose more than half your assets and half your time with the kids, rightly so.

I’m so sorry OP for the position you are in. Short term, it’s time to set some boundaries that may upset your MIL. If the intention was that you were to have separate space then this is what you need to enforce. This may even mean a rota on kitchen use. You need to tell her and your DH that there are certain times of the week that are precious for you to be alone as a family, given you work FT and these moments are rare. List these times as non negotiable. If she needs you for an emergency during those times she can call. Her enmeshed in all parts of your life was not what was agreed. How they both deal with this will help to inform you of how to progress longer term.

You are already finding this difficult, there's no way you're going to be able to stick this out until the kids are grown (and why you should have to put with racist and hateful speech anyway passes me by) and, as PP said, she might well at that point be unable to live alone.

There's only two ways this can go, to my mind:

1. You find a solution to this now
2. You get divorced at some point (and sadly, this may be when you've already missed out on so much precious time with your DC).

I'd be making that very, very clear to your DH.

She isn't doing any childcare for the OP and her husband, she's too busy doing childcare for the BIL who has already had £20,000 from her.

The fact that she isn't doing any childcare is the OP's husband's excuse for not getting a job.

I would tell her she needs to help with your children & do childcare since she is living with you (leaching off you.) or you will need to reconsider the whole living together situation and may need to downsize as dh needs to work full time & currently unable to do so with lack of childcare. Just go nuclear, your husband won’t clearly.. so you must.

I really feel for OP. I think you've been thoroughly taken advantage of. At the very least she could do some childcare! Though if you want to get her out then that works ok your favour. But please put your kids first, your DH just needs to man up and have a frank conversation with his mother. And he needs to find a job.

I also think there's an element from BIL and SIL that I earn so much more than they do that it's fair that they got money and we got MIL.

Hilarious. She's not your mother or your responsibility!

Get legal advice and figure out how to get her out and to set yourself up as the main carer from here on out.

Do NOT tip off your DH that you're doing this. HE needs to get a job and you need to be seen to be the primary parent going forward. MIL isn't even covering his portion; she's looking after BIL's DCs!

Then you see a lawyer. So you know where you stand.

You push your dh to have a full time job.
You start reorganising pickups and drop off as if he is working already.

You push again for your dh to start standing up to his mum. Because if I understand well HE hasn’t told her she isn’t welcome all of the time etc….

Then you see how things go.
Theyve either improved enough or he has done fuck all about it and prefers to put his head in the sand/avoid being berated by his mum.
At that point, you’ll have a better balance re sharing care of the dcs. He’ll have a job. You get divorced.

As an aside, is she even giving you anything re cost of living, ie forvtye food, electricity, gas etc etc?
Because I suspect she gave her money very happily because she thought she’d be fully looked after too

my first option would be to looking at if it was possible to reconfigure the house to create a self contained annexe with locks into your part of the property! Nobody could blame you for wanting separate living spaces, but this way at least you are still accommodating your MIL. Would your house lend itself to completely partitioning off space for that?

depending on affordability of that and if feasible with layout of house then I think that may be a good compromise and have set days when you invite MIl over for dinner.

if not possible then next step I would take is to see what you can borrow on mortgage to buy her out so she can live elsewhere, or can you buy her a retirement flat and effectively rent it back to her? May need your DH to be secure in work first to increase mortgage most likely.

alternatively if those don’t work, the. as others have said cut your losses, downsize and save your family and marriage. Life is too short and you need a plan to get out of this situation.

I’m not sure boundaries will work if the rest of the house if shared ie kitchen/dining room, even bathroom as she is still going to be under your feet and having scheduled times to use your own kitchen is no way to live!!

Why didn’t she want to buy a flat? Was this a case of “I’m too good to live in a measly flat” or are there any additional considerations?

I live in Europe in a fabulous flat. I'd rather be in town with all amenities around, including regular transport options - I don't drive - than in the middle of nowhere, much as I love the English countryside and most people.

I'm 70 by the way. Would NEVER impose myself on my son and feign "weaponised incompetence".

OP, you have 2 freeloaders living off you. What are you teaching your children in this situation?

Don't be a doormat.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I had a few years of this and absolutely wanted out.

Have the big blow-up argument. It’s so much better than this for years. It only gets worse when you cant reason with the MIL.

She possibly doesn't see her status in the house in the same way as the OP does. She also hasn't worked. So she may just expect someone else to do and pay for stuff for her- because that's what she is used to.

Yea right. It's called a free-loader by any other name. Never mind the age.

OP, why is your husband not working, how do you put up with it?

Make him - you shouldn't have to pull his finger out of his ass - get a job.

Solo mums have to do it all by themselves. Children, domestics, work - office politics to put up with, cos you know, you can't just rock up to Tesco's and fill your basket for free.
Roof over your head, electrics, warm water, gas, council tax etc. blah..........

Better that than some guy dragging you down.

Oh, and by the way, if he is staying at home to look after the children (no idea how old they are), there's something to be said for after-school-care, where they learn how to socialise, rather than living with 2 weirdos living at home - your husband is "weird" for putting up with a mother like that - which will be their template for their future.

Sorry OP, I know I'm being harsh to you, just trying to help you open your eyes. You sound like a lovely, caring person, who is being taken advantage of.

Why did you not have a choice if you are contributing most financially??

She gets state pension too. Retirement flats are about £100k although the service charges are high from what I can see. I'm starting to think that is the best option especiallywith communal living spaces to socialise.
I could definitely increase the mortgage to reimburse her contribution plus a proportionate increase in the value of the house.
We could potentially build a granny annexe but I think she would still come to us for company in the evenings.

Surely the proportionate increase is less than her contribution to bills? And fees? And food? Work out what you’d charge a lodger in your area?

And what about your DH’s 20k share?

Honestly thought that until you started posting more that this couldn’t be real.

Have courage!

She can't "set boundaries" - it is her MIL's home just as much as it is hers. She would be ordering someone around in their own home.

How does she get state pension if she’s only 60 or is she older?

Similar situation here, OP - but it’s my own mum rather than MIL. It has completely ruined our relationship after five years, and I am heavily depressed about the situation.
It’s awful, my kids hate it, and I wish I’d never agreed.
My advice - move / move her out however you can. Take your own life back. Imagine being in the same situation years down the line and expected to provide health and / or personal care? Because you can guarantee it will be expected, and DH’s siblings will be nowhere to help, I imagine…