How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

Apologies if this has been said already, but can you look at getting the children into wrap around care?

Then there's no barrier to your H working FT or travelling to interviews for now. His absolute focus needs to be on getting FT work. It protects your position if you split, it gives more income to fund WAC and any uptick in mortgage if you need to buy her out, and in fairness its best for him too - his pension contributions will have suffered hugely being at home.

But yes, your focus should be on getting her out.

This happened to relatives in my family- the mil put up money to help them buy a bigger house after she was widowed. She lived with them for iirc over 20 years, until she went into a nursing home for the last couple of years.
The difference was she had her own space- her own kitchen, bathroom lounge and bedroom. They layout of the house allowed her to have her own exterior door and (small) private patio.

They developed a routine where neither woman entered the other’s space without an invitation or without knocking on the door first. A couple of nights a week, dinner all together, Sunday tea with mil. Each could have friends round without involving the other. It seemed to work well, but the Dil was a very organized and determined person, (a headmistress) who you didn’t argue with!

It’s all very well others saying you shouldn’t have done it, but you are where you are. Divorce would be difficult while your husband isn’t working.
So you are left with making it work. Frame it as making mils life easier by altering things so “she has her own space” and set up boundaries for both of you.

You definitely need legal advice. If your dh's loyalty is to his mother you could end up financially screwed in the event of a divorce and lose your kids as well.

I would be prioritising getting mil out of the house before you end up being forced out by the pair of them.

I really hope it works out for you and dh sees your point of view.

I agree with this.

If you play your scenario using different people...

'Recently my mother went through a harrowing divorce from my father. She had never worked- and this was agreement between them. As part of the divorce she got a small pot of money and a monthly spousal payment. I'm a SAHM- I used to work but took redundancy 5 years ago to look after the kids. This was agreed with DH, and the idea was I move into FT work once kids back at school. I'm trying- but not easy!

Mum sold the family home - I wanted to keep her there and help with a mortgage - but DH didn't want to. The option we all agreed on was that mum would use over half her money to help us but a bigger house- and then she would live with us until kids left home. She was happy to help us buy the place we loved- even though it was a big change for her to not live in her own place.

Problem is now DH doesn't want to live with MIL and has threatened divorce unless I 'control' mum- or kick her out. Mum is finding her feet. She is lonely after the divorce. The kids love having her here. She is on her 60s and still making an effort to find work- but chances are low. She also helps with my brother's kids- so not like she is doing nothing!

DH works full time on a good income. He is good with the kids and also does some admin and cooks. But I think if he wants to leave, he should. I am the main carer- and could work now mum is here. Any suggestions?'

I second this. MIL will be set in her ways then. Somebody else doing all the shopping, cooking, sorting the house admin and bills……who wouldn’t want that to continue indefinitely?

Plus, house prices would’ve gone up even more. If ahe couldn’t afford a place of her own this time, she absolutely won’t in over a decade’s time.

Hi OP I do sympathise as it sounds awful, I do hope you and your husband can work together on this, it would be so sad if your marriage breaks up as it was a decision that you fully accepted at the time so you can’t blame him for that.
Even if you have to really downsize I would sell up, accept your losses and give your mil her money back. A small house where you are happy and comfortable would be so much better.
Don’t threaten divorce but do make him clearly see that you cannot continue like this as it will in the long run ruin your marriage.

You seem to interpret MIL's £100k contribution as a self-less and generous gesture on her part, which it definitely was not. I'm sure that OP would have been able to afford a perfectly lovely home for £900K, without MIL's contribution, which she hasn't gifted to OP's family like she has gifted £20k to each of her other children.

She doesn't contribute anything towards the household expenses and she does no child care for OP's children, while providing childcare for one of her other sons.

Her MIL is unpleasant, racist and has no respect for boundaries. I hope OP will find a way to pay her back the £100,000 and get rid of her.

Your husband cares more about housing his mother, using you as a workhorse to pay for everything, than he does his own children.

You are trying to protect a toxic set up.
He barely works and has forced you into a situation that 99% of women would have the sense to avoid.

You are spending money that should be for your children, housing his mother to live free with you, while his siblings got lump sums.

You need to be protecting your children from your lazy useless husband and his parasitic racist mother.

They have taken you for a spectacular mug and by staying your children will pay the price.
This is not a good man.

Whdn she dies who gets her contribution to your home?
She put in 100k and costs you 10k a year to live with you?
What a deal.
Does she retain her 10?k asset to gift her other children?

Basic math would tell you this is just appallingly poor arrangement. Who pays her future caring bills?

Can't you downsize now to pay her back so she can buy her own place and leave?

Also, can't she spend some weekends with golden child BIL who is getting all the benefits of her financial gifts and free chilcare and none of the responsibility for his selfish mother?

Why did you ever agree to this?

Your option is to call and have a valuer come out to the house and list it for sale.

Then sell the house and see a lawyer to divide the equity between all the parties and to facilitate the divorce.

So she retains her 10% increasing as it will invalue?
Whilst you house and feed her?
Pay the maintenance on her investment and then return it to her at a later date for her to will to her other children?

Whilst your husband doesn't work.
I think you officially win the most unbelievable thread on MN from me.

Could you be more silly.
You have fully taken on the dependent.

That you think you are with a decent man is beyond sad.
You have been coercively forced into a financial situation that puts the full burden on you.

Your poof children. What a dreadful environment for them.

The main thing for you is getting your DH onside. If he is generally a kind and loving husband, surely he can see that if this isn’t working for you, something needs to change? You say he is batting you away and I think sometimes people do this when a problem feels too difficult to confront. They hope it will just go away. I also get a sense that despite you being the career woman and the higher earner, the family are used to disregarding you. Perhaps you don’t put your needs and opinions forward or maybe they steamroller you.

Going forward, you need to make it clear, calmly and consistently, that this problem isn’t going away. It doesn’t work for you. If your husband is fundamentally good he’ll get it (though you may need marriage counselling or some other mediation to help you communicate with each other). If not, then you have to question the marriage itself.

Reading this is giving me anxiety. It's my actual worst nightmare - I get on fine with my MIL but I could NEVER!!
The racism and constant comments sound abhorrent.
Cut your losses, house on the market, give her back her money, start again. Just tell DH, that's what will have to happen. That or divorce. I presume you'd rather be in a smaller property without her, and that's what'll have to happen. It's a failed experiment.
In the meantime I'd introduce set hours where the two of you can cook in the kitchen so you're not in each other's way. If she is affronted by this, who cares frankly.

Just read your update.
It really hits home with me that your kids are the same age as mine and you're living like this, so unhappy and unable to feel relaxed in your family home enjoying their childhoods which as PP said will fly by.
Get the wheels in motion to change this situation today. The fall-out wil be painful but the outcome will be so worth it.
Glad you're seeing a lawyer, as unfortunately I can foresee trouble getting her physically out of your home and simply increasing the mortgage to pay her off as per your preferred option.
I hope the lawyer will agree this is possible but I fear he may say the home would have to be sold to actually force her out if she doesn't agree.
Outcome for her is the same either way of course - but she sounds pig-headed and likely to cause trouble for the sake of it for you.
I agree with PPs that she sounds parasitic and she's treated you with utter contempt.
I think your DH needs his head yanking out of the sand. You need to tell him clearly that while you would preferably love to stay married to him, you are not under ANY circumstances going to continue living with your MIL.
If he wants to stay married to you, he needs to come to terms with that fact and you and him need to jointly communicate this to her. We love you but it's unfortunately been a failed experiment, we need to live apart.
Presuming all the following options are on the table post your meeting with the lawyer, then he needs to state which of the following he prefers -
so it's up to him which of the following options he will agree to:
a) Increasing the mortgage to pay your MIL off and her move out
b) Putting the house on the market and buying a new property for the four of you
c) Putting the house on the market, getting a divorce and all three of you ultimately living in separate properties.

Also I agree with PPs that in the event of a divorce, he won't just 'get the kids' because you work! Kids are school age now, wraparound care can be organised etc. 50/50 would be the starting point.

Kind men do not coerce their wives like this a batt them away when they discuss their disquiet at being used as a workhorse to fund and house his mother.

Goid men don't retire and do next to nothing while their wives carry the load.

He's most definitely not a good man.
He's a user.

Can the MIL put a block on selling the house as she has 10% equity in it?

Read your updates Op. very tricky situation. Agree that legal advice is your next step; even if that is just to protect your assets, and also protect your time with your DC.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate this,

I think her lack of any contribution in terms of rent, bills, expenses and the fact that she will then recieve her initial deposit plus the value of any improvmeents you pay for ... would annoy me even more than her being in your faces so much. And its also irksome that now, having "invested" in your property - she now sees it as OK to live off you permanently... She wouldn't be able to invest in an ISA and do that would she. Its the same thing. Also promising to help with childcare so you both could increase earnings and the failing on it because BIL.. is also another serious irk.

Because I would have accepted her being present as part of the deal. However, it does mean you can never relax on top of all the other irks, its a bit like the icing on the cake. Plus the Racism around your children is a concern.

Its so tricky, If you can't raise the money to buy her out .. and £100k is a lot to put on a mortgage ( but might be possible). I think the cleanest, easiest way ( and its not that easy!) is to put it on the market and downsize. And if you have to downsize - she can too live in a flat. And BIL can pay her for childcare, so she can pay her bills.

You also have a good excuse.. DH working part time and MIL not paying anything or helping with childcare means that you cannot afford the current house. They can't really argue with that.

@Dearg has a point about protecting your time with your DC.. you won't get this back again.

@Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil Sorry if you've already mentioned this, but does your MIL have any income at all besides the money she gets from her ex husband? No pension? Is she entitled to any benefits?

I think it's pretty scary that she had £180,000 from the sale of her previous home, gave away almost a quarter of it, and now only has £100,000 in equity in YOUR home, plus £40,000 in savings assuming she hasn't already spent that.

The problem is that if you manage to achieve your preferred option, which would be buying her out, she's then effectively homeless with £100,000-£140,000 in the bank. If that's not enough to buy even a one bedroom flat, she won't be able to raise a mortgage for the rest. Does that mean she'd have to run down her savings on rent until she was eligible for benefits? If she's still in her 60s that money will run out frighteningly quickly and then she will be on the bones of her arse.

But then what happens if she carries on living with you indefinitely and eventually needs to go into a home? Could you and your husband be forced to sell your home to pay for her care fees, or alternatively pay her care fees up to 10% of the value of your home in order to avoid selling? Because in that scenario, not only is there zero inheritance (whilst your BIL and SIL have already had £20,000, thank you very much), you and your husband could find yourselves entirely on the hook for her care fees whilst BIL and SIL can completely wash their hands of the whole thing.

Was this aspect discussed at all when you decided to do this?

My DM came to live with us, the reasons don’t matter but it was unavoidable. She had her own flat attached to our house and was very independent so we thought she would continue in that vein. The problem is, she was very lonely and making new friends of her own wasn’t possible. She gravitated towards us at the slightest excuse and looked to us for company and stimulation. It caused a lot of friction but I also feel very sad and guilty about not recognising this and being kinder.

I’ve since spoken to many people who had parents move in with them and it has almost always been a mistake.

OP, the situation is not going to improve. Better to find a positive way to spin this if you can, so that you can all remain friends.

Is she of an age where sheltered housing might be considered? There would be a resident warden and a lot of social activities, a lot of her needs would be met.

The problem you also have is ,if mil needs to go in to care home ,you will be expected to either pay for it
Or release the £100000 she put in to your house ,so she can pay for it
Yet your DH siblings just got given £20 grand ..
You haven't had such a gift .
Your mil and husband are using you as a cash card
You really need to separate your finances from hers and release the money in your house back to her
As soon as your husband has a job ,and is not looking after the children you need to go for divorce..they pair of them Intend to bleed you dry and clearly do not have your best interests at heart
How on earth did he end up not working

How on earth did you let this happen ? You did have a choice and do now - leave …

Hang on, so your DH's siblings got 20k each and she put 100k into the new house and kept 40k. It sounds from this that she didn't also give you and your DH 20k?! So the siblings get 20k each and you get a live-in lodger for the next decade at least, for the 100k that's been sunk into your house as a relatively minor contribution really and not even a nice holiday or two? This seems mad. I'm not sure how you ever agreed to this to be honest but you have to try and get out of it somehow!

Banish MIL to one tenth of the house as befits her financial contribution. Cordon it off. Allow her past the cordon when you need her for child care.