How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

One of your “olds”? 😳

He kind of batted it away and couldn't see just how much it is impacting my ability to enjoy my home.

How much do you trust your DH?

He’s manoeuvred himself into a position where he doesn’t contribute much financially, even though the kids are both at school. I believe this means he could win more custody of the kids (as primary caregiver), with maintenance from you to remain in the family home, if you divorced. And now he’s moved his mother in, so he has free childcare and help with housekeeping should divorce happen and he returns to work full-time, after spending lots of time with the kids while they’re little.

If he turned nasty, with good legal advice, he could do quite a number on you. He’s already manipulated you into a situation where you’re financially supporting both him and his mother, while feeling uncomfortable in your own home. Because it’s become THEIR home: him and his mother.

And when I say turn nasty, that means not take responsibility nor prioritise your marriage and family life with DC. Remain inept, not get a full-time job and refuse to get shot of his mother. It sounds like he may not contribute his fair share to household chores either, if your sort life admin and cook dinner.

If you can afford it, I’d seek advice soon from a good divorce lawyer to find out what he’d be entitled to and how to start making financial decisions that are best for you and the kids, should the worst happen and you end up divorcing.

Given his reaction (batting away your concerns), I wouldn’t trust him to do the right thing by you. He sounds manipulative, even if it’s because his mother manipulates him. Start preparing for the worst, while hoping for the best. You may have to prepare over a few years to get yourself into the best situation for divorce.

As your kids get older, childcare will be less of an issue. It’s only a problem for a few years. How will you feel once the kids have grown up and what’s left is you, him and his mother? Conversely, if you divorce later when the kids are teenagers, they can choose who to live with. It’s possible they’ll choose the family home they’ve got used to, where their grandma is, rather than spend half the week with you in a new place. Might be best to sort it while they’re younger.

This.

This is terrible. Why did you feel you had no choice?

My family did something similar when I was 17. My grandmother had a converted garage that was super nice but she was always in the main house and had a lot of options about everything. She actually owned more of the house though. Anyway - my parents got a divorce a couple years later. My grandmother had a lot of regrets later on about how she managed it all - everyone in my story is actually lovely but this isn’t a life that works easily and it really didn’t for us.

I would have 0 patience for racism around my kids - that’s the hill I’d die on. My FIL used to make ridiculous comments sometimes. I would ignore him but once we had our daughter I couldn’t ignore it anymore and had a go at him. Threatened to go no contact and meant it and it stopped. Appreciate very different in your scenario but your kids will repeat it so just remember that.

I am enraged on your behalf OP. She’s living off you guys, doesn’t even help with the childcare AND gives her money and time to BIL?! Does she pay you any rent or maintenance? I can’t believe you walked into this situation, I can see why you’re so angry. You’re carrying their entire family financially??

I honestly don’t know what to say. You can’t even argue with your husband in peace….!!! I’d normally try to think of a solution but I’m totally stumped here!!

OP, try to fix those major pain points first. See if things improve.

1. MIL “socialises” with people of her age. Ask her to join volunteering groups etc
2. Lay down the fcuking rules. Communicate to your DH and it’s his problem to tell his mother.
3. Rule1: MIL will stay in her room or find something to do on her own in the evenings
4. Rule2 : She lives with you, so she does childcare for you. Others come second.
5. Rule3: DH gets back to full time work asap and stays focussed on improving skills and economic prospects.

This set up will only work if all the above rules are in place asap. Issue the ultimatum - tell him you’ll leave.

Great summary! The fact that she gave £20,000 to the rest of her adult children but nothing to OP's DH and she expects to get he 10% deposit back, no doubt with interest, is absolutely mind-boggling. If I were the OP, I would be permanently incandescent with rage and would make my feelings crystal clear.

So OP has to provide the other 50% to make alterations to her home that she probably doesn't even want, in order to provide a home for her unpleasant, free-loading MIL?

The woman needs to leave and go and stay with her other children, the ones she has gifted £20,000 each while giving nothing to OP's DH who is housing her.

No real advice just my sympathy this is my worst nightmare.

A bit late in the thread but a diagram would have been helpful OP!

I had my gran living with me and she was awful ! My son had an accident and when I rang social services to ask for respite care they said I had no right turfing her out of her home. I said it's only while my son is in a coma. They were like it's her home now and she has to want to leave!

So after her divorce, she had £180,000 to buy a small property but decided, obviously with your DH's help, that she wouldn't be able to buy anything that met her high standards? And, even though she has given money to her other children and nothing to your DH, she still expects her deposit back at some point? Plus the only childcare she does, isn't for your children but for BIL's children?

You need to really lose your temper now. She needs to go and live with BIL who is getting all the benefits and none of the responsibilities of looking after his mother. She isn't even a nice person who makes an effort to be nice to her DIL whose salary is paying for everyone. She is rude, ignorant and racist with no boundaries and a massive sense of entitlement.

You need to give your DH and ultimatum. It's you or his mother.

I'm sure that without her MIL's contribution, OP and her DH could have found a perfectly decent house for £900,000 for their family if they didn't have to have MIL living with them. MIL expects her deposit back at some point and she pays literally zilch towards her living expenses. She doesn't even help with childcare. She does, however, provide childcare for her other grandchildren, BIL's children, who also received a £20,000 lump sum from her, as did her other child, but nothing for OP's DH. She is absolutely taking the piss.

Get the house valued for a start.
Speak to a solicitor about any pitfalls.

Good luck! You have been remarkably tolerant but your MIL's sense of entitement is off the charts. It's concerning that your DH can't see things from your perspective and this attitude from him may eventually end your marriage.

Not only are you viewed as a cash-cow by the whole family, you cannot relax and enjoy your home without your MIL's constant presence. Your DH is either a bit thick or is deliberately refusing to acknowledge how much his mum's presence in every area of your lives is affecting you.

What was the long term plan when you all made this decision? That MIL would live with you for the rest of her days, potentially another 30 years, or that this was for the shorter term? I’m assuming you planned for this to be a long term solution if MIL ha been giving away her money and reducing her ability to even purchase a modest flat at some point? If you anticipated this being for the long term, until potentially your own children will be adults and married and bring their own children to come and visit you, I have no idea why you purchased this house with no separate and distinct annex?

We have a family member live along side us, but in a separate annex. Yes it took a bit of adjusting to, but we all have our own space, and she would never just come into our space without a valid reason. Sometimes when I’m busy with work and the kids I can go a couple of days without really seeing her.

You are just going to become more and more unhappy in your situation and so you need to take
action now. Explain that you have given it a go, but it is not working out and the options are that you somehow make a separate annex and everyone respects everyone else’s space, or you sell up/give MIL her money back and she purchases a modest flat or rents. There’s no way you can allow this to continue, your kids are only young once and you deserve to be able to enjoy them and your space without feeling uncomfortable.

Maybe she gave away the £40,000 to her 2 other children - £20,000 each I believe - because the OP's DH had already got £100,000 from her, and would probably not be expected to sell the house when she dies. Therefore, the 2 siblings would be very unlikely to ever get the rest of the approximately £26.6K each, that they should probably rightly get as their inheritance from their DM when she dies.

That choice would really be a no brainer on behalf of a couple with rather loose morals, and who, therefore, wouldn't mind if what they were doing would also rip off their siblings/siblings-in-law ! IMO, the OP and her husband - who have had the great benefit of being able to buy and live in a presumably very nice £1,000,000 property - are not coming out of this scenario very well at the moment.

I honestly don't think that the MiL's large contribution - made by her I'm sure, in order to be able to live with her DS and her DiL, in comfort, and to have their companionship - should now be treated as a fait accompli, and that she is told that she can have a lounge, but it will have to incorporate a tiny kitchen, and that she must not go into the rest of the house in the evenings (and during the day?), as they have decided, after the massive investmentevent that his DM made, that they (both of them or just the DiL) don't enjoy her company, or as she would rightly think, even like her!

That poor woman has, in my opinion, been treated both shoddily and shittedly, by this very selfish pair, and I just don't understand how so many Mumsnetters seem to think that the behaviour of this couple is actually ok, and to even be encouraging them to be even more vile to the woman who brought up the male member of this couple. If the MiL had been a terrible mother to her children when they were growing up, then there is no way that her son would have even contemplated having her come to live with them.

Sadly, I also think that, knowingly or not, @Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil has been exaggerating about her MiL's behaviour, and that however bad the MiL's words and deeds have been, her DiL would have already been well aware of her MiL's character before agreeing to let her invest in, and move into, a jointly owned property. The living and cooking arrangements between the 3 of them, should have been thrashed out before they even started to look for a suitable home. I think that it would be horrendous of both the OP, and her DH, to now tell his DM that she isn't welcome, and that she has to move out of the home she shares both financially and morally with them, if she won't agree to living in just a tiny part of the house, and to keep herself to herself at nearly all times.

I expect I am about to be lambasted!

what a terrible position you’ve got yourself in and that’s the same lady who can get herself out of the position too . Your kindness has been taking for granted by her and your husband . Stay calm , clear and assertive and give her her money back , get her packed up and send her to her other kids house till she finds herself a place to live . Litterally drop her off .

I have no real advice for you OP, I just wanted to express how utterly horrible your husband and MIL are. Please seek legal advice as soon as possible. I agree with other posters that they may be positioning themselves to get you out of the house. Fuckers.

The lack of planning and thought here is shocking.

Was the plan always for MIL to live permanently with you for the rest of her life? You don’t like her - how would that ever work?

what if you divorce? What if your husband dies and you remarry - will MIL still live with you?

how did you envisage her using the space - was she supposed to stay in her bedroom and living room all the time?

Are you going to be her carer as she ages?

When she dies do her other children get her share of the house?

what happens if you want to move? Does she get a say in where you buy?

Buy her out. She can rent somewhere.

By the way, when the time comes when she needs to go into a nursing home, there is no time limit on ‘deprivation of assets’ (unlike inheritance tax, which is 7 years). You could end up having to stump up the original 100k for her care.

I think speaking to a lawyer needs to be my next step. As the main earner who WOH 60% of the time I am worried I would lose my children as well as my home. Ironically they both prefer time with me and the mornings when I do the school runs are calmer all round. I know because I get constant updates on my commute from DH of all the issues he is having on any particular morning.
Long term the plan was to live here until the kids finished school and then downsize and MIL would get her own small place at that point. I massively underestimated how hard it would be especially as her personality seems to have changed for the worse the longer she has been divorced.

One option for MIL is flats for over 55s. To buy or rent (social housing) or even shared ownership. Private renting is unlikely to be an option for her as she likely wouldn’t pass affordability checks, as her only income is divorce maintenance and she has too much capital for housing benefit.

Some housing associations have ‘assisted living’ developments, where you have your own flat but they have communal areas to mix with other residents and support staff onsite, which can mean people can stay in their own home for longer, rather than long stays in hospital or needing residential care.

Might be with looking into in your area and can her name down, as there can be long waits. She doesn’t have to take it up.

Was her ex your DH’s father? If so, how’s this affected their relationship? Can he visit if she’s living with you? Where’s he living if he had to pay her half the equity from their home as well as monthly maintenance? Even if he still works, mortgages in your 60s are limited.

I second the PP who said look at over 55s places. They are much cheaper and she’d have company.

I am afraid you need to sit them down, say you’ve tried this and it’s not working. Keep it pleasant and calm but factual. Can you extend your mortgage to buy her out so you can stay where you are? And then help her look.

You have been a mug with the best of intentions sadly but now you need to get back control.

Just seen your update. If the plan was for her to live with you for the kids’ entire childhoods, that another 13 years.

MIL could be late 70s by then, and may be struggling to live alone or in need of care. Not the best time to be moving out of a busy family home to live alone. That’d actually seem quite cruel.

Better she gets her own place now, so she can rebuild her own independent life, rather than becoming dependent on your family.