My husband lost his job and I’m finally saying it out loud

[Mamalolly]

Sorry if this ends up being long I just need to get it off my chest because I feel like I’m going to explode if I keep it in any longer.

My husband lost his job, and I’m finally admitting it out loud. We’ve got two kids one’s still a baby and I’m not working right now because I’m home with them. I’ve been trying so hard to stay calm and keep things normal for the kids, but inside I’m absolutely terrified.

Every day feels like I’m holding my breath. I can’t stop worrying about how we’re going to manage the rent, the bills, food, nappies, everything. It feels like there’s no breathing room, and every time I try to plan ahead, I just end up spiralling. I’ve been cutting back on everything I can, but it never feels like enough.

My husband’s been applying for jobs nonstop, but he hasn’t had any interviews yet. I can see how much it’s getting to him. He’s trying to stay positive, but I can tell he’s scared too. He keeps saying he feels like he’s letting us down, and it breaks my heart because he’s not he’s doing everything he can. The job market just feels impossible right now.

I feel guilty for not working, even though I know looking after a baby is basically a full-time job on its own. I keep thinking about trying to find something, but childcare is so expensive that it feels like we’d just end up worse off. It’s such a horrible catch-22.

I’m exhausted from trying to stay strong all the time. I smile and act like everything’s fine for the kids, but when they’re asleep, I just fall apart. The fear is unreal.

Still, somewhere deep down, I do believe we’ll get through this. We’ve faced hard times before, and somehow we’ve always found a way. I just wish it didn’t have to feel this heavy in the meantime.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this maybe just to finally say it out loud. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read.

When dh gave up work because it was making him miserable we both went all out and I got one about 9 months before he did. He did all the stuff with dd and at home and I concentrated on being the best I could be at work. He found a new one in the end but you both need to get on the job hunt tbh.

I definitely think you both should try working in the early mornings at supermarket bakeries and then evening late shifts; you can also get discounted food which would really help

You need to apply for jobs you said your babe a few months old that’s fine. I don’t know what you did before but you’re both in got a problem. You both need to work together to solve it. That’ll take further the weight of your husband shoulders he’s really feeling it and you want to stay aSAHM? things have changed. You need to too

I was just going to say the same. My friend worked for John Lewis over Xmas when she was in a spot and did well out of it.

Go on Indeed and look for evening cleaning jobs. I have been struggling to find work to and have managed to find some evening work. It’s not a huge amount but it will definitely help my bills while I find more work.

Maternity leave used to be six months and after that it was weaning and bottles and off to work you go. I did it twice and I’m no superwoman. So unless your baby is younger than that, not working is a choice you can’t afford any more.

Have you applied for Council Tax Support with your council? If Universal Credit are not covering your full rent you can apply for a Discretionary Housing Payment also through your council. This can top up your rent payments. Look on the Benefit section of the council website and you can usually apply online.

If either/ both of you have office/ admin skills, look for temping opportunities. I was made redundant 2yrs ago from a very specialist role, where I'd have had to move countries to get an equivalent. As PPs said, I made a series of tailored CVs, 'bigging up' different parts of my transferable skills relevant to different industries, hit LinkedIn & all the relevant agencies (which I didn't find terribly helpful, to be honest).
What worked for me was to take a lowish admin position, temping at the local council (could also have done the same at the local university), which brought in money and gave me time to still apply for more relevant roles. It also 'refreshed my CV by proving some of these skills at another employer. I'd recommend you look out for these 'specialist' employers local to you who funnel into public sector roles.
It took another 4 months, and overall over 100 quality CVs and cover letters (plus half a dozen interviews at different places) before I accepted a permanent job that was nearly equivalent to my original one.
It's so hard when you're in it to believe there's light at the end of the tunnel, but if you & he are willing, there are roles out there for you.

I got an early morning cleaning job when it happened to us. My second baby was only a few weeks old and breast fed. Its really hard but you will get through it. You really will.

Ok. You need to pull your big girl pants up, you aren't a kept woman with the luxury of staying home because you "can't" leave your baby.

You can. Perfectly easily. You just don't want too.

If your LHA covers less than 50% of your rent then you need to move, it's grossly out of your means when only one of you is willing to do effective paid work. It's all sounding like you've got all caught up in image and living a lifestyle so on the edge of your affordability, there's zero margin for error. "I can only now bring myself to say..." as if the big issue is other people knowing.

You want your baby EBF. You don't need it. Do you want that more than a roof over your head? With low income UC will pay 85% of your childcare. So for your £1000 childcare bill? You hand over £150. You can even express and send the milk to nursery each morning if it's that important to you. Get a job, instead of hand wringing like you can't possibly think of any option to get out of your financial mess.

Give over. Baby is exclusively breastfed. Just because you were happy to bottlefeed, doesn't mean OP's baby should be denied breastmilk. Breastmilk should be her baby's main source of nutrition until 1 yr old, then breastmilk is an addition to solid foods after this. Babies do not get the vital antibodies they get from breastmilk from bottles.

@Mamalolly please do not feel pressured to work, MN pressures women to go back to work ASAP after having a little one which I find really sad. You've got maternity leave for a good reason. Did you know you may be entitled to Maternity Allowance? Look it up on the gov.uk website to see if you're eligible. I had to get MA as I lost my job and ended up doing contract work during my pregnancy until I had my baby.

Couldn't disagree with you more. Babies NEED their primary carers, babies also NEED breastmilk. It's so sad how people are dismissing, invalidating and being destructive over one of the most important purposes we women have in life. I feel for those poor babies.

They need a warm home, food on the table and essential bills paid more than a sahm and breast milk. Once dh is back in work they can reassess but with 2 people in the house, it's all hands on deck when things go tits up, despite what we'd prefer.

You both need to be looking for work. You have a shared commitment to provide for your children and of course you can go back to work with a baby a few months old, plenty of countries only have 6 weeks maternity leave as standard. Not ideal but needs must and there is no sense driving yourself into a financial black hole when there is more you could be doing to get out of it.

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease
Firstly it's up to 85% from 9months I assume OP baby is younger. Moving costs a lot of money and what private landlord is going to rent to them when neither are working and moving due to affordability.

The job market really is brutal right now, even for jobs that used to be easier to get. I've seen adverts for little over minimum wage jobs wanting specialised skills and about 3 rounds of interview.
Do you or your partner drive ? Could potentially do parcel deliveries for Evri/Amazon /Uber eats /deliveroo.
Another option could be warehouse work, I did it and I personally hated it but there was good overtime available which really helped me out.

Although on Mumsnet it can feel that everyone is one 70-100k minimum and they wouldn't even consider anything below that but in real world it's a case of seeing what's available out there now and taking it.

I've had extra weekend jobs each autumn leading to Christmas, at Amazon, Evri & parcel sorting at DPD, this has been through employment agencies.

Get back to work, no point in sitting at home stressed when you could help with family finances.

Exactly this.

I’ve never had more than six weeks maternity leave.
I drove to Leeds and back from Liverpool four times a week and breastfed and pumped
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do

You both need to actively be applying for jobs.

Whoever gets a job first accepts it, and other one stays at home with the kids.

The fact that you're breastfeeding shouldn't be a factor.

The main thing is income. You need money coming in.

And if the op is highly qualified in some profession, this is even more pertinent

Your rent being high doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to benefits. It means any housing allowance would only go up to the maximum you’re entitled to, even if it doesn’t meet your rent amount. So you find the shortfall.
Which industry is he looking for work in?

I hear you! We were in a similar position 15 odd years ago. DC1 was 3, DC2 was 5 months and we’d just started some building works!
I ended up going back to work when DC2 was 9 mths old rather than taking the full year and, as I was only part time, then began to have conversations with my boss about stepping up to a full time role when he turned 1. We also put DC2 in a childminder 2 mornings a week so that DH had that time as well as the 2 days I wasn’t working and evenings and weekends to job hunt.
It all worked out for us in the end. DH got offered a full time role just before DC2’s birthday so I didn’t have to increase my hours. It was an interim role but he is still there! DC2 doesn’t seem to be scarred by the fact that he went to a cm so young or that he stopped bfing at 9mths. Our lives as a couple have probably been more balanced as DH did have to be a hands on Dad for a while. I still remember the look of desperation on his face when I walked in after being away on an overnight business trip & the house was in chaos. It also meant that he had to take more responsibility for figuring out how to “operate” the DC and had to deal with situations which either wouldn’t have arisen if I’d been around (as, for example, I would have made sure the nappy bag had clean nappies in the house let alone before taking a wet but not dirty one off the baby when out at the park!) or I would have stepped in to deal with it. I was also at that point of sleep deprivation plus toddler tantrums that I really needed DH around a bit more.
Now, we look back and say that we should have made the most of the opportunity and gone travelling with the DC etc. But I don’t think either of us genuinely mean it (I don’t!). And it is very different living it and seeing all of the expenses looming and just knowing you can’t continue to meet them all.

I’ve been there - twice - so I know how soul destroying being out of work is and waking up in the middle of the night worried how you’re going to pay your bills.

I don’t have anything novel to add;

Both of you need to be looking for work and really spend a lot of time on those applications. Can he ask someone objective to look at his applications to see why he’s not getting interviews? Do you both use LinkedIn? An ‘open to work’ post on there may prove fruitful. For shop work, businesses are recruiting now. The care industry are always looking for people and I do mean always, could be an option even just for bank shifts.

I know people on here are very quick to advise to move when someone is in dire financial straits so I appreciate it may sound lazy, but please do look at cheaper flats.

Check your credit scores in case you need to get credit as a last resort.

Get a job.

If he gets one, cut your hours or work opposite each other.

Your baby is a few months old and you might not want to, but you can supplement with formula and they'll be starting solids soon.

Being a SAHM is a luxury you guys can't afford right now. You can't stay home without a home.