Things our toxic parents have done/said that is bats*it crazy

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I thought id start a thread away from stately homes where we can just list the things our toxic parents have done that other people would be horrified about but for us its a long list of things that were seen as "normal" to our parents.
I can laugh about alot of them now, obviously at the time not so funny. Just thought some light hearted dark humour of these things would help people not feel so alone and make us laugh a little in a rubbish situation I.e toxic parents.

As I previously mentioned on the stately homes board. I once brought my mum an orchid as a gift for her birthday. She moaned about it as thats not her 'usual' type of plant she likes.
Anyway she had it for a few months. In this time she kept commenting how it looked fake. One day there was no plant and I asked what had happened. They crazy woman how chopped it up as she was convinced it wasn't real. So she just chopped my gift up that wasn't a cheap purchase either. No remorse for destroying the gift I got her either.

I received a call to move into a womens refuge almost 10 years ago away from abusive ex. My mum said to me "its not that bad is it" I think i stood with my mouth wide up and said they don't just offer refuge places for anyone.

There's many more but I cant think right now. Would be good to hear some of yours?

My dad also punched me in the face and broke my nose when I was 15. He was a horrible fucking dick who brought nothing to our lives. I wish I could beat him with a belt. My anger towards him is so viceral

Many years ago (I was 20) when people did things like this I put a birthday announcement in the local paper wishing my Dad a happy 60th birthday. It had the word Dad at the top in large font and I can’t remember the exact wording now but it ended in love from me and my sister. I knew everyone would see it as it was quite a popular thing to do in his circle of friends and family. Anyway, at a social gathering that day my Nan (his Mom) who was 85 took me aside and told me I had brought a lot of embarrassment to the family by not including my Moms name in the birthday message. This was an unusual thing for her to do. I just knew how she said it that this actually had been stirred up and planted by my Dad. My Nan would never of thought that way. I was so hurt as I’d tried to do a nice thing and he used it against me, and used my Nan as the messenger. He then had a dig to and I got the silent treatment from them both. My Mom wasn’t upset at all initially she was quite naive and controlled by my Dad so was only bothered by this when told to be. I pointed out other similar birthday wishes to Moms/Dads with only their children’s names attached. But it fell on deaf ears. Unfortunately my Dad used people including me when I was younger and didn’t know better. I did begin to see through it all and stopped allowing this to happen. It still bothers me now that I was used like that.

Is he still alive?

Oh yes the screaming. Something all narcissists have in common. My DM would regularly scream when she didn't get her own way or if she was pulled up on something.

She thought she was so clever and yet she couldn't get the words to have a civil discourse. Instead screamed.

Reading all this has brought back a lot of not very fond memories.
One of the earliest I was quite young but had tried my best to write a letter to Father Christmas. First (and last) time. We didn’t have a lot of money and I grew up never asking for things. I know I mentioned asking Father Christmas to help others especially people who where ill and had nothing. I left it at the bottom of my bed. It was gone on Christmas morning. Christmas evening at a family gathering I spot my Dad beer in one hand and my letter in the other. He’d passed it around to my uncle’s and aunts previously. I couldn’t understand why he had taken and shared my private letter. I was confused, embarrassed and hurt.
There were lots of times I felt like that. In later life I do feel I still did ‘the right thing’ by him. Even when he told my then BF now husband to run as I was hard work and he wouldn’t be able to handle’ me. When my Dad became unwell with moments of delirium he showed his true colours. He announced to the hospital waiting room that I had taken all his money and that my children were going to be put in care. He did this in various public settings. He told my husband aloud on a trip out with my children to leave me and go find a better woman. I still provided help and care for him without holding any bad feelings. I was the only one there at the end.

On finding out that I have a dead parent, you get the same questions: "How old were you?" "What did he die of?" and then the inevitable one: "Do you miss him?"

They do not usually like the honest answer of, "No", and tend to call me selfish before bothering to ask why. When I explain, I usually get, "Well, it's just words..." (or words to that effect) or radio silence. It's a complete conversation killer!

It wasn't until I was much older that it clicked that other people's dads weren't all like that, i.e. being smiley and cheery in front of guests, and fun sponges at home. Also, that perhaps it wasn't normal for a 10/11-year-old to try out the God that school told me about, by praying to Him and asking for my father to die, because I couldn't cope anymore. If I couldn't, I have no idea how my mother did.

Needless to say, I'm just glad that he was the parent who died, and not my mother!

Oh my gosh....there are so many of us. Big hugs to everyone who has told their truths and to those not yet brave enough.
I've just realised that this year will be the 40th year of NC with my mother other a few occassions of weddings/funerals that we both attended over the years. I ignore her and she screeches like a banshee at how ungrateful I am but the last 5 years my kids have taken to protecting my back at funerals and see her off without a screech being uttered.

My first memory is of her and me feeling afraid when I was about 18 mths old. She was always resentful/unhappy with me but once my DB arrived it became very violent and she turned every frustration into an opportunity to beat me or humiliate me. My dad worked away so she had many affairs including with a man who lived across the road with his two kids. The older one, a girl about 3 years older, abused me (I suspect that she was abused by her dad and knew no different) and when mother & AP thought that I'd spill the beans about them to my dad he stubbed his cigarette out on my arm saying he'd kill me if I told - all while she watched (and enjoyed it I think). I still have the scar because it was left untreated.

She (I'll refer to her as she) often kept me off school for a week at a time to look after her when she felt she needed a rest in bed with 'a bad back'. School thought that she was in need of a wheelchair because it happened so often all without my dad knowing because he was away. I could cook family meals by age 7 and when I accidently dropped a full hot kettle at 8, it went all over my stomach giving me awful burns. I said nothing because I was terrified that she'd beat me for being stupid. I just treated myself and I was lucky it didn't get infected but I still have the scars from that too.

When I was about 5, someone told me that thistle seeds were fairies for wishing upon. I used to collect them and put them in a small container and when it was full I would release them and wish for different parents - just to wake up the next day and have a family who loved me. I did it a few times but obviously it never worked!
From about 3yrs she would beat me on my back and head until I wet myself and then she would beat me again because I had made work for her. She would then make me apologise to her for making her angry and then make me tell her that I loved her. I have had spine and bowel issues though out my life and when I was about 20 the GP had my spine x-rayed because I having unexplained pain - it showed multiple healed fractures of the base of my spine and my coccyx was so fractured that what was left was twisted. I have 60% hearing loss in one ear and about 20% in the other from being smacked/punched across my head & face for years but she was always careful not to mark me where it could be seen. Once my friend saw the state of my thighs during PE and I lied and told her that I'd fallen off my bike.
I found out years later that our immediate neighbours would leave their houses when I was being beaten because they couldn't stand hearing my screams....they didn't report though so if I ever see them again, there will be some choice words said.
I could never ask for anything for birthday or christmas because she would make sure that I never got it and she would deliberately ensure that I received gifts that I would hate telling family that I would love it so I would pretend that I loved everything I got or there would be a beating. She would have massive tantrums if she felt that she hadn't been shown enough love through gifts on birthday/christmas/mothers day etc.

When I was 17 my dad finally had enough of her (she stole all his savings and that was it for him but the affairs were acceptable apparently) he forced her to leave. She told me that I would be spending weekends with her clubbing looking for men and I stood on a precipice of indecision....and I said no. No I wouldn't be staying with her; no I wouldn't be clubbing and no, I wouldn't be seeing her full stop. Her reaction? She beat me then held me up against the lounge wall by my throat screaming in my face that I was an ungrateful bitch who she should have aborted. Now my dad actually saw this happen and until his dying day refused to accept that she had abused me because he asked her once and she said no. Her word was good enough for him apparently and he told everyone that I was an utter liar and not to be believed. Years later one of those neighbours actually told him what had been going on and all he said was "why didn't she tell me?" and he never mentioned it to me. My stepmother told me this when dad was at the end of life which was actually so cruel but then she's been no better over the years either. My dad was always cold to me and preferred my brother so the loss of him barely touched me.

I have 2 kids myself who are now adults and I look at them and think how can you hurt something so precious. Mother is now in her 80's and lives a lonely life with her second husband as most of her family are dead. She doesn't know anything about me - she's never met my youngest and that I have terminal cancer and she'll outlive me. I enjoy the thought that she is lonely and according to my DB is very miserable. My relationship with DB used to be shaky but it's strong now and he also has my back. He sees her about three times a year (duty visits he calls them) and dislikes her intensely.

Sorry that was long!
She always had a competition going on as I got older - who was thinner, beautiful etc. Some of her classics are:
Why are you doing A-levels? You're only going to be a secretary or work in a shop!

You'll never be pretty!!! The best you'll manage is mildly attractive (tinkly laugh).

You must massage my feet - I deserve it as I've been working all day (I'd been at school and she was a SAHM watching tv on her arse all day. I know this because holidays were no different)

You are so stupid! How can you get lost coming home from school? (I was 6 and had been chased by some bigger boys into an area I didn't know and was taken home by a kind lady who found me lost & sobbing).
She then told the kind lady that I was stupid and one of those 'special' kids you hate and that she was sorry that I'd troubled her. That one earned me a beating too despite the fact that she only walked me to infant school for the first month and then I was on my own - I don't think that school knew.

Well I suppose that you were ok but the other children really shone (at one school performance where I was the narrator)

That's not as good as you think it is so no need to get big headed (I had a painting shown at the county summer show and was the only one from my school to get exhibited)

I'm ashamed to be seen with you because you're sooo fat (I wasn't but she was and I still have eating/weight issues)

I grew up in poverty, started working full time at 17 but before that worked some Saturday jobs etc. One of the jobs I had I would come out with about £26 for working all weekend, cash in hand. Every Sunday when I got it I would buy some treats for the family. Sometimes a powercard if it was needed (remember them!).

One day it was like a Thursday night or something and I bought myself a couple of packet space raiders, back when they were actually 10p, with the last of my own money. My mum went in an absolute rage because I had bought only for myself, and told me 'I hope you fucking choke on them'. I was about 15/16 and have never forgotten that.

Another time my step dad slapped me on the face on my 18th birthday and she said something like 'he's not even marked you'. He'd been beating us all for about 9 years by that point and while downplaying it might have been protective for her, I'd had enough. It was the last time he ever hit me and I moved out within the year.

I didn't have much of an idea what I wanted to do and eventually settled on social work because of my upbringing. I really wanted to help other children living in poverty and abuse. I was explicitly told I would be kicked out if I pursued that path. So I ended up completely aimless for years. It enrages me so much.

I desperately wanted to go to bible college and get a degree in theology when I left school. My parents who were not Christian told me if I went they would disown me for good. I was full of confusion so I went to nursing school instead.
Recently, many years later, they converted to Christianity and said isn't it a shame you decided not to go to bible college , it would have been so good for the family 😱
By this time I had changed my own religion and was a 3rd degree wiccan priestess having lost my faith.
Apparently I am going to hell now 😂WTF!!!

Your story and mine is a salutary lesson in the importance of following our own path at all costs and not being influenced by family.

"My therapist said if I kill myself it would be your fault"

It always amazes me how similar the stories are. The details might be different but the themes are always the same.

I wonder why and why it happens?

Why place yourself in direct competition with the child/ren you brought into the world?

When we were in our 30s, my mother told me that she didn't love me. And she meant it. She told him that she didn't actively wish for something bad to happen to me she just didn't care if it did. What is it they say about the opposite of love...

And to not do the same to our own children. My daughter is still very young but has had her heart set on being a teacher since she was about 5. I can't say I don't have personal reservations given the state of the education system but if she's got a vocation then she's got a vocation and I'll support her wholeheartedly to make it happen. What was so difficult about that for our parents? Actively keeping us down, going out of their way to crush us.

Ill never forget the christmas she tried to stab me

She'd made it clear that christmas was at hers,but only for family

I,as her daughter (and her grandchildren) where not invited for the big day,but we had to go on boxing day for cheese and biscuits

I was past getting upset at not being family but got the kids ready and walked the 3 miles to her house

As soon as we walked in,I could tell something wasn't right-it was the atmosphere-dark,heavy and I kept getting funny looks from everyone

I made the mistake of ignoring it and went to take a bit of cheese for my cracker when everything exploded

I had my mother,father,3 brothers and 3 wives/girlfriends start shouting at me

Screaming and howling while hitting me and at some point,a large carving knife appeared and they where trying to get me with it

She'd made sure the doors and windows where locked so I couldn't get out and somehow a window got smashed-someone who happened to be walking past saw/heard what was going on and rang the police

As soon as the door went,it all stopped and she was chatting away,charmingly to the police about 'tempers at christmas'

The police took me to one side and asked what happened and I told them-of course I was yelled down for lying and 'making things up'

Nothing happened-the police put it down to the stress of christmas and she tried to bill me for a new window in the new year

She told everyone id lost my temper because id used the wrong knife to cut my cheese

The knife id used was exactly the same as every other bloody knife on the table

The following year (I went nc by then) she got her flying monkeys to spy on me and found out id taken the kids to mcd's-and went apeshit that id dared to treat my own kids to a mcd's

Well I wasn't going back for round two

@TheeNotoriousPIG

I remember being really shocked when someone I knew said their dad had just died and they were glad. Not because I couldn’t imagine why they would be (I wasn’t under the illusion all dads are worthy of being mourned) but it was more the way she said it. Like it was a perfectly reasonable thing to voice. On reflection, what I felt was probably more likely a complicated form of envy, that she was brave or free or strong enough to be like ‘absolutely fuck that guy.’ It is hard to break the in-head habit of some idea that you owe them love or loyalty. I suspect that’s why so many of us are posting daily about caring for formerly (or currently) abusive elders. When my mum was dying my dad said he’d gladly swap places. I said ‘I’d let you’ and he looked taken aback. Would I fucking ever.

Told me she was had a brain tumour and she wouldn’t be alive to see GC when I told her I was pregnant - she didn’t and is still alive and well.

Pretended she was having a stroke when I tried to leave to go home because I had a university exam the next day.

Phoned me when I was in labour and I told her I was going to the hospital. She tutted and said it was a really inconvenient time and then preceded to start complaining about her husband.

She tells everyone her family abandoned her. When in reality she kicked me/siblings out when we were still children. Even tells me that story and will not hear otherwise.

Wow
That's the kind of thing mine would do - he used to go ballistic at the smallest thing that was 'wrong' in his eyes, always blaming/screaming at the person (usually me or my mother).
How dare you put the hearing on?? 🤣

After sabotaging my education where I did not apply to university as did not think I was clever enough also after years of being told it was a stupid idea and if I went to study in a different city I could never come home in the holidays (! Nice of her) I did a degree in my late twenties with the open university it was great , I then did a masters and got a really good job. But not one word of congratulations and they did not come to my graduations despite managing to go to my brothers ones

I was about 10-11. Got told to get the oil from the cupboard, which I did but the bottle slipped off my hands and started spilling. My father accused me of doing this on purpose, grabbed me by the collar and threw me against the wall, then started kicking me while I was down.

He wasn't physical that often, mostly shouted and screamed for anything and everything. Very intimidating and oppressive.

Of course, Zero apology or acknowledgement. My mother would "try to stop him" verbally then just watch him carry on as he was twice her size. She witnessed and was a victim of much abuse at home, but her coping way was to pretend it was "not that bad".
She still doesn't understand why I want nothing to do with him (after years of trying to keep up a low contact relationship). Doesn't really understand at all the impact of my childhood.

*edited for typos

My mum has said things like this. ‘I’m going to phone up the doctor and tell them how ill you have made me’ ‘You’ll be glad when I’m dead, then you won’t be able to make my life a misery any more’.

Livia Soprano 101!

Many things! Including:

1. Telling me if she knew I was going to

turn out the way I did (I was just standing up to her argument), she should have drowned me at birth.

Telling me I had ‘hockey stick’ legs.

Visiting me in hospital a day after I had given birth telling me I was still fat.

Made my mum breakfast for the first time for Mother’s Day when I was around 6. Got my dad to help me with kettle. Took it to her on a tray super proud and expectant. She had a sip of the coffee & said “this coffee tastes like piss”

Left my note out for Santa on Xmas eve with a pillowcase (for gifts). Woke up to nothing in the morning. Tried 2 more nights before giving up. Parents were wealthy.