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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Things our toxic parents have done/said that is bats*it crazy

186 replies

Crimble123 · 04/10/2025 07:02

I thought id start a thread away from stately homes where we can just list the things our toxic parents have done that other people would be horrified about but for us its a long list of things that were seen as "normal" to our parents.
I can laugh about alot of them now, obviously at the time not so funny. Just thought some light hearted dark humour of these things would help people not feel so alone and make us laugh a little in a rubbish situation I.e toxic parents.

As I previously mentioned on the stately homes board. I once brought my mum an orchid as a gift for her birthday. She moaned about it as thats not her 'usual' type of plant she likes.
Anyway she had it for a few months. In this time she kept commenting how it looked fake. One day there was no plant and I asked what had happened. They crazy woman how chopped it up as she was convinced it wasn't real. So she just chopped my gift up that wasn't a cheap purchase either. No remorse for destroying the gift I got her either.

I received a call to move into a womens refuge almost 10 years ago away from abusive ex. My mum said to me "its not that bad is it" I think i stood with my mouth wide up and said they don't just offer refuge places for anyone.

There's many more but I cant think right now. Would be good to hear some of yours?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 04/10/2025 10:47

Reading back.over these posts, there is so much I recognise from other people's experiences too.

And this

I honestly thought it was normal until I heard myself say it out loud to my therapist.

Absolutely. It's just so insidious.

Lemintonic · 04/10/2025 11:09

When I was pregnant with much wanted third child 'you don't know how lucky you are having access to abortions. I had to have you'.
Probably the worst of a lifetime of them but I genuinely, until she died, didn't think her comments were odd

Lemintonic · 04/10/2025 11:13

Many many comments about what a failure I was not having a husband with a 'proper job' , a 4 bedroom detached house and an Audi. Because that's what proper adult women did and it was embarrassing to have to tell her friends, which had such daughters, how she'd done her best.

This is after a lifetime of munchhausens by proxy abuse and denying the pain, physical and mental she'd put me through.

Andthatrightsoon · 04/10/2025 11:22

Finally plucking up the courage to start getting healthier, I went swimming with my mother and nephew. As I approached them in the pool she screamed and said 'Look out, there's a whale coming!' 🙄

ThatCyanCat · 04/10/2025 11:28

So many mothers who have complexes about their daughters' bodies, and potentially being more attractive than they are. My daughter is still very young but I just... there are some things I don't feel myself but I can feel attuned to how it happens. This one, I just can't even get that. I don't get it. I'm her mother. Who am I supposed to be competing with her for? There's a switch that just flips off when it's your kids. How does it not flip?

TheeNotoriousPIG · 04/10/2025 11:50

My father was seen as wonderful, funny and charming to the outside world. At home, it was like living with one of Harry Potter's dementors, because he sucked all of the joy out of the place and made you feel like you'd never be happy again.

Apparently, my father had never wanted a daughter, wished I'd never been born, that I had cancer instead of him, that the only thing that would make him happy would be if I was dead, etc. He was even advising me on how to commit suicide when I was 10/11.

Needless to say, it was a great relief to our immediate family when he died. At his funeral, I had people saying, "Oh, you will miss him so much!" My mother said that my face said it all 😆

Crimble123 · 04/10/2025 12:20

Andthatrightsoon · 04/10/2025 11:22

Finally plucking up the courage to start getting healthier, I went swimming with my mother and nephew. As I approached them in the pool she screamed and said 'Look out, there's a whale coming!' 🙄

That's reminded me of whenever id eat at parents. When I lived there and when I left. It started in my teens. They would moo at me and say I was a buffalo. Large and scoffing my face. I was never large and actually probably at times underweight due to my high activity hobby I had.
So now im conscious about eating there because of the comments. I don't really have a good relationship with food.

Ironically when ive been there for a once in a blue moon meal my mums portion sizes are actually insane! Covers the whole plate and piles it high. I couldn't even finish half of it. God forbid you call out them eating it all though, you'd be snapped at

OP posts:
Crimble123 · 04/10/2025 12:22

TheeNotoriousPIG · 04/10/2025 11:50

My father was seen as wonderful, funny and charming to the outside world. At home, it was like living with one of Harry Potter's dementors, because he sucked all of the joy out of the place and made you feel like you'd never be happy again.

Apparently, my father had never wanted a daughter, wished I'd never been born, that I had cancer instead of him, that the only thing that would make him happy would be if I was dead, etc. He was even advising me on how to commit suicide when I was 10/11.

Needless to say, it was a great relief to our immediate family when he died. At his funeral, I had people saying, "Oh, you will miss him so much!" My mother said that my face said it all 😆

Wow u actually cant believe he said that. And when people say stuff like i bet you'll miss him you just want to shout "if only you knew the real him"

OP posts:
Crimble123 · 04/10/2025 12:27

Another one a find blood crazy is when we were about 10 my sister was around 8. Mum would take us shopping. However she had to approve of all the clothes. All my stuff was ultra feminine, short skirts, crop tops. Not really suitable for a child looking back!
My sister was trying to find her identity so liked the skater girl look with baggy jeans and tops. I remember one day my sister asked to go into a skater shop to look at their clothes. My mum full on lost the plot.
Shouting at my sister in the city "if I wanted a boy, I would have had a boy" (not really how it works 😂). She grabbed her wrist and was yanking her saying really horrible stuff to her. I felt really helpless and so sorry for my sister who was crying.
Don't get how mum was so triggered by clothes. Again its another appearance thing!
To mum it was all how we were perceived to the outside world. How we had to look like a perfect family.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/10/2025 12:33

God there are so many. Some of the more outrageous things from my mum:

I asked her if she wanted to come and visit my cousin, who had just had a baby. She wrinkled her nose and said "No, I find babies so boring." I laughed and said something like I was surprised I'd survived into adulthood when she was so un-maternal. She sat on that for a while, then later said "You really hurt me with that comment. If you must know, it's because I'm so sad to know I'll never be a grandmother." I said... "You ARE a grandmother!" My son, who is adopted, was 15 then. She said "Well, he doesn't really count, does he."

After yet another one of her relationships had broken up, she told me in all seriousness that she'd seen a documentary about how men's brains naturally made them aggressive, and that she thought all boy children should be tested for aggression age 7 and lobotomized if they didn't pass a test. When I said "Alright Dr Mengele" she got offended.

When I was about 2yrs old, several times she pretended to fall down the stairs and lie there faking unconsciousness while I cried and tried to wake her up. I'm not sure how long she let it go on for before she "woke" - in my memory it was hours but perhaps it was only a minute or two. Her explanation was that she was making sure I'd know what to do if there was a genuine accident.

I honestly had no idea that one wasn't normal - I think because I was SO young - that I only realised when I mentioned it in passing at work one day and everyone looked at me horrified.

In common with many on this thread, she was insanely competitive over body size. I was alternately fat-shamed, then when I lost weight I would tip over a certain line in her head to being competition, and I would be told I was "getting much too skinny".

=========== TRIGGER WARNING S/A ==========
My dad abused me for over two years. My mum knew but her only attempt at safe guarding was to tell him not to do it again. Guess how well that worked?

Unsurprisingly in my teens I was suicidal, traumatised, PTSD, some days I just couldn't speak out loud. She would shout into my face, shake me, and then ask what was I crying for, I had nothing to complain of and as long as I was a virgin then nothing had really happened.

When I eventually disclosed to a teacher what had happened, social services got involved etc and my dad was made to leave the house. He divorced my mum for unreasonable behaviour (!) This meant our nice comfortable lifestyle dissolved as he didn't pay a penny in maintenance and he paid her the bare minimum in the settlement.

After we'd moved (yeah he kept the house) one day I said something in passing about the new house - I think it was along the lines of "I keep forgetting this fridge opens the other side to our old one." My mum said "Well. Don't blame me. Because we are in this house because of YOUR SELFISHNESS. Don't you dare complain about it because YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. Your dad is gone and now we have no money so I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY."

She once asked me "why complain to the teacher now, he hadn't touched you for a year or so, it could all have been forgotten" (tell my PTSD that, please!) I said to her that it was because I could see he had started grooming my younger sister in exactly the same way he had me. She snorted and said "Don't be so ridiculous, he doesn't even like your sister, she annoys him."

Decades later she ended up moving in with me as she couldn't afford to pay her mortgage. I started dating someone new and the first time he slept over he woke up early so wandered down to the kitchen to get a brew. She spent an hour talking to him starting off with "I think there's some things you should know about Vex..." - told him about my dad abusing me (her version, obviously, where she'd sacrificed everything to protect me and my sister.) He came back upstairs a bit shell-shocked and he later said to me "Your mum is so bitter against you." I was still so deep in the fog then that I sat there and defended her to him!

Strangely - or not - the physical and sexual abuse from my dad was easier in many ways to get over (thanks to lots of therapy) than the emotional abuse from my mum. Because the abuse was tangible. It was something I could say "yes that happened and it was obviously very wrong." But emotional abuse is so hard to see for what it is, because it's always there, it's woven into the fabric of your relationship and it just feels like reality. My mum died earlier this year and I've started therapy anew. I've only now come to realise how the abuse from my mum has shaped almost every part of my life and behaviours.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/10/2025 12:34

Sorry that was a right essay 😲

ThreePears · 04/10/2025 13:38

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation You needed to get it all out, and that's what threads like this one are here for .Flowers

Genuineweddingone · 04/10/2025 14:57

God where do you start....

I ended my toxic marriage and was told I was a loser because I have a failed marriage. My parents had been split up over 10 years at this point as she left for another man.

I was invited to a wedding but money was tight and I tried on a dress she had. It fit perfectly but she said she would have it dry cleaned for me. The day before the wedding I went to her place to get the dress, nobody home so I rang her and she told me she had decided to go away for the weekend and took the dress with her.

My passport and drivers licence were out of date and cousins husband had died and I wanted to fly out to be there for the funeral. Mother 'helpfully' said she would send in my passport renewal forms for me. Never did and she also stole my drivers licence renewal so I couldnt go. She then flew over herself and told everyone I was not there as I never liked my cousins husband.

Was really rude and racially abusive to a staff member in a cafe and was ranting about it in the car so I pulled over and ordered her out of the car. She then screamed 'I have cancer and it's all your fault' before slamming the door of car. She did not have cancer, she never even had been tested or ill.

Went into a rage one day when I was off getting hair and makeup done for a night out with friends at the races. I had a glass of wine getting my makeup done but as she was in my home to babysit anyway it made no difference but she hated that I was having fun so she got down on her knees in front of my then 4 year old, looked him in the eye and told him Mammy doesnt love you. I then told her to get out of my home, I did not go out that night in the end and she slipped on the train and told everyone I had hit her.

Rang my sons school and told them he was being mistreated at home and i had just gotten a diagnosis that made me an unfit mother. I am in Ireland, had just gotten an adhd diagnosis and the school had to involve Tusla, our child protective services about it. My poor child was embarassed in his school and in front of his teachers. It was the final nail in the coffin. Shes done many many other things though too.

ChristmasFluff · 04/10/2025 15:09

This is one that we laugh about now, but actually, it is so dark.

Me and my sister called to my mum in the night, cos sister was feeling sick. Mum told us to shut up, but sister didn't - cos she was feeling sick.

So Mum came in and yanked her out of bed by her arm and started smacking her. Sister started vomiting, but that didn't put mum off, except to make her start dragging sister to the bathroom, smacking her as she went.

Every smack created a another spew of vomit. I'll never forget that picture as long as I live.

My sister was about 4 at the time.

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2025 15:12

EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I couldn't read past She snorted and said "Don't be so ridiculous, he doesn't even like your sister, she annoys him." in your post.

It made me so angry. How dare she say that to you. Im so sorry that you went through that.

The number of times I heard that sort of thing...

I had a similar comment about physical abuse, "Of course it bothered me that your dad hit you. Didn't you notice I left the room every time he did it so I didn't have to see?"

Just the total dismissiveness of it. Like you and your feelings don't matter. It was all about them.

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2025 15:14

To mum it was all how we were perceived to the outside world. How we had to look like a perfect family.

Yes.

Everything was about what the neighbours would think, what other people would think, potential men I might meet in the future might think, complete strangers would think.

Genuineweddingone · 04/10/2025 15:16

Im back for round two but reading the others and it doesnt even shock me reading them.

Went on a mother and daughters holiday with her best friend, her cousin and a few others and all their daughters, brought my sister. I didnt even know about the NY trip till they were back and my mams cousin mentioned it. She was disgusted I had not been told about it let alone invited. I was the only daughter not there.

I had a fragile relationship with my brother due to her and her triangulation. They had two kids and he had actually invited me through her to the christening which had I known about it I would have gone to and tried to start smothing things over with him. She told me the day before it when I was already in a different country on a holiday and told them I didnt go cos they didnt invite my boyfriend.

The first holiday I took after going NC with her I brought my son to Spain for a weeks holiday. She told all the family who she flew to England to see that same week that i was away in a rehab centre!!!!

Has told various lies about me over the years but one of the more amusing ones was that I was having an affair with a married man. The fact he was my very own husband seemed to not be information needed.

Tells all with ears she 'practically raised' my son for me. She had him one day a week for a year while I worked and would ring and facetime everyone on that day every week with the illusion she had him ALL of the time.

When I was in labour with him (his father and I had split prior to this and he was not at the birth) she told everyone my husband was in the army and away on a mission as she was embarassed at my being a single mum. I was 32.

Achewyhamster · 04/10/2025 15:25

Trigger warning

Shes said/done a lot but the worst one was when I was raped by a 'friend'

She found out and looked me in the eye and asked 'what did you do to lead him on?'

She then dined out on it with her friends for weeks until her (lovely) friend told her to stop as 'maybe hamster needs some support'

My mother laughed and said 'nah,she didnt realise she'd been raped until the cheque bounced'

She then contacted him as it was going to court and sat in 'his' part of the gallery,fully supporting him and cheered as he was found not guilty and walked free

It's a mystery to her why I went nc

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2025 15:34

I had a fragile relationship with my brother due to her and her triangulation.

Same.

My mother is one of the biggest misogynists I've ever encountered.

She maintained that all marriages failed because of women and, where men behaved badly, it was only because a woman had driven him to it.

Anyway, my dad had an affair when I was 17 and they split up. She screamed (and, yes, it was a scream and not a mumsnet scream 😉) at me in public that I was the "whore who drove your father into the arms of another woman."

She made me homeless, tried to get SS involved when i had my son, and spent my childhood telling me there was something wrong with me and threatening to involve 'child psychiatrists'. She never did and I was finally seen by what I suppose was CAMHS then when I was 17. I had two sessions and then she cancelled because they suggested a family session. But the narrative that I was mentally unstable continued - hence trying to involve social services. When I was 30, a clinical psychologist told me that there was nothing wrong with me that a bit of distance from her wouldn't solve.

It was endless.

Anyway, we finally went nc with her because we were forced to involve the police about something, SS became briefly involved (Initial Assessment) and we went NC as a result.

My marriage broke down as a result of the stress of everything and he was probably the most supportive ex husband ever for those first years because he didn't want me to ever be in a situation where reinstating contact felt like my only option.

When I read threads on here about going nc with family and some people dismiss issues as 'a falling out', I just think that some people have no idea!

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2025 15:35

Achewyhamster · 04/10/2025 15:25

Trigger warning

Shes said/done a lot but the worst one was when I was raped by a 'friend'

She found out and looked me in the eye and asked 'what did you do to lead him on?'

She then dined out on it with her friends for weeks until her (lovely) friend told her to stop as 'maybe hamster needs some support'

My mother laughed and said 'nah,she didnt realise she'd been raped until the cheque bounced'

She then contacted him as it was going to court and sat in 'his' part of the gallery,fully supporting him and cheered as he was found not guilty and walked free

It's a mystery to her why I went nc

Wow...

apostrophewoman · 04/10/2025 15:39

Achewyhamster · 04/10/2025 15:25

Trigger warning

Shes said/done a lot but the worst one was when I was raped by a 'friend'

She found out and looked me in the eye and asked 'what did you do to lead him on?'

She then dined out on it with her friends for weeks until her (lovely) friend told her to stop as 'maybe hamster needs some support'

My mother laughed and said 'nah,she didnt realise she'd been raped until the cheque bounced'

She then contacted him as it was going to court and sat in 'his' part of the gallery,fully supporting him and cheered as he was found not guilty and walked free

It's a mystery to her why I went nc

JFC, I thought my mum was bad but this is horrific, I’m so sorry.

Genuineweddingone · 04/10/2025 15:43

Part three from me:

Never told me about periods or any female stuff nor bought me a bra. My best friend was there when I got my period, she told my mother who went and got me a packet of pads and just kinda threw them at me.

Always competition when it came to clothing also. We look nothing alike (thank fuck) and me and my siblings all the image of our father but she would always call my sister the pretty one. Mind you behind her back she always called her the thick one too....

My therapist is the cause of my problems she tells people. Not the fact I went to therapy because of her but when I went the therapist pitted me against her. No logic to the woman. Complete narc and I studied it all in the end too and got a diploma in it all through lived experience. Go her eh?!

Oh oh she always parked in the visitors space outside my house. Next door neighbour who to be fair was going through a hard time then and we have since made up couldnt get out of his car cos mine was too close due to her bad parking. I got summoned to the door with him calling me a stupid bitch and a selfish cow for always taking the visitors space (her car note) and she went in to his home the day after to apologise for MY behaviour and his son told me afterwards had a good old bitch about me to him.

Wrote a letter for my GP when I was going for my adhd diagnosis to say that the reason I am such an 'attention seeker' was because the day I learned to walk everyone in the house clapped for me. I mean wtf? As for being an attention seeker I think we can all agree that with mothers like ours we try shrink into the background not put ourselves out there for belittlement.

Always belittled me. When heavily pregnant comments on the shoes I wore as I still was very much a dressed up pregnant woman. Out of hospital after a section and got told I had let myself go cos I was wearing loungewear. I had had the child 5 days before ffs.

Genuineweddingone · 04/10/2025 15:50

I am reading all the other posts and some are actually horrifying. I was abused as a teen by a friends father and only told her about it years and years later to be told 'sure others out there have it worse' with a sigh as if I am just one problem after another which I am not. I think that is why she hates me because she is not me.

She tells everyone I am a liar and unhinged, psychotic, a bad mother, a loser, waster etc. I bought my own home (hers was an inheritance) have many qualifications and a successful career, have fantastic friends, good life, well travelled and very close to my son but somehow I need to turn my life around. And people listen to her which is even more shocking as she is a known liar. Literally if there is the option of lying or telling the truth she will lie as standard and never seems to give a shit what she says about people.

She told my dads sister I said something about their inheritance or a family home or something and it caused a massive fall out whereby my fathers family do not speak to me to this day. The conversation was had 20 years BEFORE I WAS BORN yet she told it that it was me that started the rumours.

Shortbread49 · 04/10/2025 16:10

Yes mine sabotaged my education at 11, 16 and 18 I had realised this by 18 and hated that her only daughter was cleverer than her beloved sons . At 16 I was told I was going to secretarial college , I told my teacher and she laughed as she said why, you are going to pass all your exams. I said no got ignored for a week and then she has taken no interest in me since ( for 38 years 🤣)

iamnotalemon · 04/10/2025 16:17

Had food/dinner tipped over our heads. I was given a black eye by parent. Emotional abuse. Breaking or smashing our possessions.

Only as an adult I realise these aren’t normal things.