Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

[StrawberryTeddybear]

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

Bit naive of you to expect otherwise, I think. Did you really not anticipate this reaction?

Did you not discuss how your DH might feel about this with your therapist?

You are married which means that you don't have sex eith other people. How can you possibly think that telling your husband that you are gay could be anything other than painful for him?

I would leave you too.

Of course he’s not going to be supportive OP. You’ve just told him you’re not attracted to him anymore and actually, you were perhaps never all that attracted to him. If he’s still managing to be civil then you’re doing well to be honest. Find someone else to be supportive of your new self (friend, therapist) and focus on hashing out co-parenting and a fair divorce plan with your soon to be ex husband.

Let's say you're not 6+ feet tall and one day the man you married said to you "I've just realised that I'm only attracted to really tall women. And you're not. Yeah, I know we went through an entire marriage ceremony and have kids but I've realised that deep down I'm not attracted to you, never have been and, unless you can suddenly get taller, never will be."

How would you react?

Yes he’s understandably upset. It was silly of me to think otherwise. I am not in therapy anymore. We are in couples therapy.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.
I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case
Are you usually so self centered in your relationship?
"Hey husband, guess what, I want to have sex with other people, women in fact. Now comfort and support me and help me plan to go and shag women'?

“My truths” 🙄

You've been together for what sounds like half a lifetime. Did you discuss how you were going to tell him with your therapist?

Have neither of you any empathy in regards to how he might feel. Your relationship may have had its issues but it wasn't rocky in isolation to everything else around it.

Your post is very me, me , me.

Did you really not think about how he would feel?

You really thought he’d stay with you while you explored yourself? You’re leaving him, why would he be supportive? It’s no better that it’s for women, than another man. Why would he stick around for this? Naive, at best.

For what reason? So he'll get told how awful he is for not being super accepting and excited for you and he needs to be supportive in your true self?

What were you hoping his reaction would be when you told him? Did you still envisage being together despite being attracted to women? Would the acknowledgement of your sexual preferences have been enough to stay married and to continue your lives as they are now?

Frankly, you come across self absorbed and clearly lacking in empathy and your therapist is incompetent.

Did neither of you even think to consider the feelings of the person whose life and marriage you just blew up? We're a bit beyond naivety here, OP.

It’s just so insulting to him. You’ve got so wrapped up in yourself, you’ve neglected to recognise how devastatingly hurtful this is for him. You’re basically saying that your entire marriage has been a sham. And you wanted him to be supportive!

I have no idea how you imagined this would go any other way. The conversation should have been about finishing the relationship due to your realised sexuallity. or did you think you you'd stay together? I can't imagine anyone wanting to stay with a partner who doesn't want to have sex with you and is probably gay. It's really selfish and self centered of you to drop this bomb and be sad they aren't supporting you

You thought he’d be pleased?

Hopefully he'll be following mn advice and booking a solicitor to progress a divorce. Will you expect him to lie about the reason op?

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH

What reaction did you expect? I'm bi and dh has known from day 1. He's not bothered because he knows I'm monogamous and that despite having lots of fun exploring my sexuality in my teens/early 20s, I chose him. In my experience, it rarely works when people come out part way through a relationship because there is always that sense of "what if" on both parts, not to mention the feeling that it's only come up because you want to explore dating others.

Did you think he'd be willing to have an open marriage, or something? Because that's really the only way this could go, bar divorce.

But he should of course say 'yaay!!! Let's get on with you living your truth!!!'

I understand your lightweight feeling after realising your true self, I had male partners for years and felt like my life was so much better when I realised I prefer women. Unfortunately your elation has clouded your expectation of your husband. If you were not going so well as a couple anyway how could he feel selflessly happy for you, those sorts of feelings are usually toward people you love and respect more than anything where you want the best for them even at your own cost.

Did you tell him in terms of ‘I feel better just knowing’ or did you tell him in the sense that you are no longer attracted to him/in love with him/want to be with him?

What kind of reaction were you expecting. If after many years of marriage my husband told me he was bi or gay I would assume he's telling me because he wants to start having sex/ relationships with other men. That would result in the end of the marriage.

I don't know what supportive would look like. The likelihood of your husband being happy about your revelation is unlikely. What reaction did you anticipate?

I'm honestly amazed you just expected him to be ok with this announcement. Be honest what would your response have been if he suddenly told you he was gay and actually he was never really attracted to you and that your decade long marriage was a big mistake. I doubt you'd be supportive and accepting of his new self.