Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

[StrawberryTeddybear]

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

Your marriage may have been rocky, but I doubt in a million years your husband thought you'd tell him you"re in fact gay. You've been together 18 years and have 3 children together. If you were in his shoes, how would you feel?! You needed to have perhaps talked this through with a therapist on your own, before telling him. Unfortunately, what's done, is done, you can't change what's been said. Your husband was never going to offer you support or be understanding, you've just pulled the rug out from under him. He's now thinking that the past 18 years of his life, have been a complete charade, and you've lied throughout your entire relationship. I would suggest you seek proper advice on how you are going to tell your children. It's not something you can casually slip into a conversation. Your marriage has ended. Your husband is going to want to divorce you. I would suggest you start making practical plans on how this is going to happen, and try to be as amicable as possible.

Thanks for replies.

I didn’t expect a flaming but re-reading my post I can see how self absorbed it may come accross.

We are in couple therapy because we have been distant from eachother for a very long time, and things have been stale. We have just been plodding along hoping something will change. Therapy is making us talk and reflect more and in talking about our lack of desire/non existent sex life my attraction to women came up. I didn’t know what I was going to achieve by being honest, of course he is hurt, I just felt that holding it back would have been worse in the long run.

You deserve to live life as your true self but you were naive to think that he wouldn’t be absolutely devastated by this.
Of course he wants to exit the marriage, he’s been told that the whole thing was based on false truths and he’s probably questioning every moment you’ve ever shared.

So you basically told him you’d never really been attracted to him, you’d always known you liked women more, and your entire marriage had been a lie? Surprised he’s not turning cartwheels of joy.

How exactly did you expect him to react? Get the pom poms out and do a cheerleading routine?

Your therapist did what you paid them to do - look after your feelings and not give a damn about anyone else in your life. You should have sought out other trusted people's opinions to help you realise how this would impact your husband before you told him. I feel sorry for him, I'm not surprised at his reaction at all.

We are in couple therapy because we have been distant from eachother for a very long time, and things have been stale.

I'm not sure there's much point in him attending couples therapy. Surely the reason you're distant and things are stale is now blindingly obvious and it's not like he can fix the issue with a few date nights and better communication.

I'm happy that you've finally realised what it will take for you to be happy. That's important and you have every right to pursue that. But, damn, I really feel for your husband who must be absolutely reeling.

You aren't into your husband, and you now realise you want a relationship with a woman and you expect your husband, someone you've been in a relationship with for 18 years, to support you?

Are you serious?

My sympathy lies firmly with your husband. You've handled this so badly and your expectations of him are beyond unreasonable. Poor bloke.

This, you don't honestly expect anything other than divorce @StrawberryTeddybear ?
That he'd want to remain living with you?
You absolutely should be the one to leave the family home.

Yeah well as long as you’re ok eh?

You d been very selfish, incredibly cruel and seriously lacking in thought and empathy. I hope therapy can help your children and husband. This might be all exciting for you, for them, not at all. Deluded.

Jesus, poor man.

Can you explain what you mean by expecting him to be supportive? When you decided to tell him what exactly did you think he’d say and do?

You’ve blown up his life, destroyed his marriage, no doubt utterly trashed his self esteem and broken your family up. You must have thought that all through before you told him? What do you plan to tell the children? Are you going to take responsibility for the divorce or set him up as the bad guy because he wants out and won’t continue to live a lie?

OP, just imagine that a man wrote this on here:

I’ve always liked men more than women, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my wife got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Hmm?

Didn't expect a flaming?! 😆 what did you expect?!
*you go girl! Live your best life! You are so much more important than your dh and dc, #happy mum happy life..."!!

I realise that you want to be your authentic self, but before all that stuff, you have to face facts and deal with the fall out of having really hurt your husband and the father of your children, hurt him really terribly. You can't just shrug your shoulders and say "this is who I am". Your spiel about how therapy healed you might be true, but it is also very hurtful to your husband that his wife was not truly herself throughout your relationship- I'd be devastated and I'd feel so betrayed in his place. You'll have your time to explore, but for now you really have to take responsibility for the hurt you're causing and be led by empathy.

If you are on Reddit, then I recommend you look up latebloomerlesbians

To be fair to her, that is how it sometimes goes when a thread like this pops up.

Have you told your kids yet? This will blow up their lives too

I just don't understand what you were expecting from your husband though? Set you up and wave you off with fondness?

This is one of the reasons I dislike therapy. How self absorbed it makes people.

It's done now. Put all of those feelings to one side and focus on separating and all the admin and stuff that comes with it. You can explore all your truths when you're single again.

You have basically told the man you married that the his life has been a lie, and you are gay but you didn’t expect him to be upset??
have you always been completely self centred??

I’ll be flamed, but personally, I think therapy can do this to a person. Constant reflection of yourself and your feelings.

You've literally dumped a tonne of shit on him from a great height and he's now probably questioning every aspect of your marriage

Poor poor man, but as long as you feel better eh?

"Hello darling, I just wanted to mention something. Despite being with you for nearly 20 years and having three children together, I've decided I'm really a lesbian and that's why I don't fancy a shag.
"The important thing is that I'm sharing my truth, so I expect you to support me."

I mean, what's the poor bastard to do, throw you a Coming Out party?

It's ok to realise your relationship is over. It's ok to split up. It's not remotely ok to expect your life partner to stand there holding your coat while you line up new lesbian partners to replace him

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case

It's all about you, eh?

What kind of support did you expect?? A hugs, some tears, and then some rainbow flag waving to congratulate you on the fake relationship he feels like he might have been in?

Despite the fact that he's been your husband of 10 years, and maybe you've been together longer than that, there is no regard at all of how this makes him feel in your post. None. Just a cold sounding 'we were drifting apart', an observation that he's very upset, and lamenting that he hasn't reacted to you 'truths' the way you hoped.

Where is the care for him??

Either he's been a really bad husband, or you are very self-absorbed, and I can imagine you'll bore the tits off people when you tell them about your coming out journey, and your 'truths'. 🙄