Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

[StrawberryTeddybear]

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

Wow I am shocked at the responses that you’re getting on here but honestly not surprised. Mumsnet love a pile on and a bit of moral policing! Also Mumsnet is a bastion for all things hetero so it feels a bit rich that all these posters with zero experience of coming to terms with their own sexuality have come to beat you with a stick.

I came out after a long term relationship with a man, admittedly no marriage and kids but it was serious enough. I genuinely had no idea that I was gay. Ignore all these posters who are implying that you’ve deliberately led him astray and therefore deserve the cold shoulder, they’ve got no idea. I, as I imagine you did, entered into the relationship with my ex with entirely good intentions. Without anything to compare it to, I thought we were in love. I certainly really enjoyed his company and thought he was handsome. It was only with time (and falling for a woman who I had no intention of pursuing a relationship with) that made me realise that something was off. It still took me several months to work out that I was gay and not bi. I assumed I was bi because I had such warm and deep feelings for my ex. In hindsight he was a best friend who I had a positive sex life with. If I describe it now I say that I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I wonder if you find any of this relatable OP? You haven’t betrayed him. You haven’t knowingly misled him. It’s not as if you’ve secretly been seeing women on the side or lusting after a woman. This is all new and you’ve been honest telling him when you’ve realised it yourself. The other posters seem to have conflated this situation with gay men who willingly marry a woman as a beard and spend the whole marriage on Grindr and cottaging.

So to the second point, I can of course understand your difficult feelings about telling him and the difficulties of his response. He’s been your best friend and confidente for many years. It’s natural and understanding that you’d go to him with a big life update. However he must also find it very difficult to hear and wonder a lot about the past relationship. When I told my ex he was supportive but it took him some time. The first 2 weeks were the worst and with time we successfully morphed to a friendship. It’s been 12 years now and we’ve been at each others weddings, we all get on together with our wives, and we have regular board game nights. It doesn’t have to be the torched earth approach from your husband that the other posters (with no experience of this situation!) are making it out to be. But I would strongly suggest you lean on your own friends and maybe some personal counselling with someone who specialises in coming out.

Finally a talk about your couples counselling. Again a lot of posters are spouting rot that couples counselling is only to save your relationship and therefore you must immediately stop going. Nonsense. Couples counselling is to support two mature adults who are in a couple navigate through difficult times together, and this is sadly often done at the end of a relationship. You both have children together so navigating this change together with as much calmness, mutual respect and good communication as possible will be invaluable. The therapist is there to support you two finding the best solution for your both, even if that is breaking up and the ins and ups of how to do that.

Best of luck OP. Just ignore the people who have no insight and who’re just getting their jollies but lambasting someone random on the internet. I agree that you may find Reddit a more supportive forum. Take care of yourself.

You haven’t really specified what you mean by you thought you could explore together. Do you mean you wanted his acceptance to have sex with women? Or that you thought you could have threesomes together? It’s very fine that he wouldn’t be okay with either of these, and that he feels your marriage has been a lie.
It’s good that you’ve told him the truth, and of course discovering you are gay/bi is absolutely fine, but you cannot blame him for being upset about the news, and you certainly cannot blame him for not giving his blessing for either of those scenarios.
Now all you can expect from him is to be civil for the sake of the children and coparenting.

I think the reason for all the responses is simply that details are very thin on the ground
op hasnt said how she expected dh to respond
op hasnt said what she envisioned a future might look like

its all very vague and all we can gather is the the op expected better from her husband!

Thanks again for all the thoughtful responses.

Yes mumsnet is not the best place but I felt so in despair and can’t talk to my friends/family IRL and DH won’t speak to me. So I needed something. I have now made an account in Reddit so will head over there.

I hope we can stay with the therapist as we navigate this next step but I think he’s not interested in making an exit plan together, he just wants out. Our relationship has been dead in the water for a long time and I’ve reached the point where I don’t know what we are holding on to and to be honest he was reluctant to even try therapy even though he has not been happy with me for years either, how I dress, my weight my hair, and my views on the world, I have put up with his homophobic views as well, and we butted heads on our parenting styles.

Anyway. I’ll leave it there.

I only shared one side but it was helpful to have
some insight and other viewpoints, I am glad I’ve been truthful but we have a long difficult road ahead. I won’t post anymore because this isn’t the place but thanks again to everyone who responded.

I think when people decide to leave for one reason, they often find a whole lifetime of others reasons to help justify their decision. I think you just need to own it.

I don't know what you mean by he isn't interested in making an exit plan together. What would that look like?

I have already commented but as a bi woman I wanted to address as well the point that people keep making about the OP ''lying'' to her husband until now.

As I have said I had no inkling that I was bisexual until I reached the age of 30 and found myself attracted to a specific woman.

I was not lying to myself or to others until then. I just genuinely had never felt any attraction to another woman in my teens or 20s.

Some people will know very early on that they are gay or bi, for others it will take a longer journey and sometimes is just a question of meeting a specific person.

There is a lot of black and white thinking on this thread but life is not like that. It is much more nuanced and complicated.

As I said in my previous comment many people will realise and accept their sexuality later on in life. It is not uncommon and that does not mean that they have actively misled previous partners.

The OP might be better discussing this in forums where gay and bi people are more present and might have gone through similar issues.

Mumsnet seems by default to suggest that anyone who comes to term with their sexuality later in life has been actively lying to previous partners, is betraying their kids and is just plain selfish. Which is frankly ridiculous and a very heterosexual view of life.

Being bi some people can take it, but some cannot. i think you needed to do more groundwork than you did. both my partner and I are bi and are very on board right from day one how the other has needs and feelings. on the other hand when my ex found out I was bi he was disgusted and it was one thing that ended the relationship. I think now you have to face the relationship is over but use that as a way of exploring what you actually want rather than rushing into a relationship with someone else

Lots of people do come to terms with their sexuality later in life - or in fact it changes.

But that doesn’t mean the spouse who is not sexually desired isn’t going to feel pretty hurt and confused, and question everything they’d assumed the marriage was built on.

No amount of educating oneself about the beautiful diversity of human sexuality can protect someone from feelings of rejection and loss when they learn they’re not desired.

OP didn’t lie about her sexuality - but it’s naive to assume that this revelation isn’t going to have a pretty major effect on her monogamous sexual relationship.

Her personal growth and exploration of her identity are for her and her alone.

Her spouse meanwhile presumably feels like the same old person he always was - he doesn’t get a relaunch and a new world and identity to explore, so he can be forgiven for being a bit wearied by the realities of separation and co-parenting rather than super excited for her newfound self knowledge.

You don’t think that her expectations for her husband are unbelievably selfish, unrealistic and self absorbed, not to mention, a little bit cruel?

The OP said that she had always known she liked women more. I think that one statement is responsible for most of the stick she has received.

No, I don't. But I suppose we can't all have the same views, and it seems I'm in the minority.

I don't think we even know what those expectations are. She said she told him so that they could "explore" but she hasn't explained what that means. I'm taking it to mean she wants him to let her explore outside the marriage and I can't blame him in the slightest for considering it a deal breaker.