Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

[StrawberryTeddybear]

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

I'm sorry but been in similar situation, but I told my partner from day one that I was bi but I tell him also that if I'm with him I'm with him it doesn't mean I will cheat or whatever, my son I told 18 plus as he suspected anyways and mum only found out through ex years ago and doesn't me sion it, it's a truth but unless you are going to act on it who cares tbh!
Try sitting him down and explaining after the initial shock, if relationship is crap anyways prob a excuse he needed plan for yourself ASAP x

I could never imagine living my life like that.

Easy to say when it hasn’t happened to you.

Don't be ridiculous, so your husband came to you and said
"I don't love you, don't want to be with you, I want to shag men'...
Your response would be "of course, how wonderful, how can I help this happen?'

My mum discovered she was gay. By her own telling she had a decent marriage with my dad, who was a very good father and an attentive, hard-working, well-paid husband who adored her.

So she got divorced, and it fucked us kids up long term, despite it having been on the surface the best kind of divorce.

So I will just say this: I wish we lived in a world where gayness was accepted enough that people wouldn't accidentally marry the sex they are not attracted to. Now that you are married, to a decent man, with a family... Are you really going to blow up everyone's life because you would prefer sex with someone else?

You'd be surprised at how many people expect this. It's very grim. There's this general idea that being true to yourself is so wonderful and imperative that this should be wonderful news regardless of your relationship to the person.

You just ended your marriage telling your husband you are gay, did you anticipate he'd give you a round of applause, tell you how proud of you he is and ask you what gay dating sites you were signing up for? Of course he's going to be upset and plan to leave you, do you want him to stick around while you "explore". Good on him, for not being a pushover.

Good friends of mine were in this situation (thankfully no children), he allowed my friend to "explore" (date women) still married. As soon as she said what she was up to I said to my husband "she just ended her marriage and she doesnt even realise". The husband stuck around for about a year (yes so long) they had couples therapy, but the issue was she was gay, they broke up, she married the second woman she dated who she'd already met when still married, there was overlap. So wrong.

You have not considered your poor husband at all.

You've just told him something tantamount to that you never really loved him or enjoyed him in the same way as a normal wife would, and that your marriage has no future, and in fact was doomed from the very beginning.

Of course he is devastated, but you seem to think he should function as your emotional support during this time, as if it's all about you and your big epiphany. Get over yourself, you are incredibly self-centered. Your husband is the victim here.

I mean good for you, but you've just wasted 18 years of your husband's life, and he is thoroughly entitled to be upset and to get this farce over with ASAP.

Well, you don’t need to imagine; you’re doing it.

Let us know how it goes with your kids; maybe they’ll be delighted to support you in ‘your truth’, more than your poor, blindsided husband was.

Presumably, that's how your husband feels now? He doesn't want to live a lie that you have a functioning marriage, and that his wife wouldn't rather sleep with a woman. Make the exit plan.

If I were you, OP, I'd head over to Reddit or wherever and speak to women who have actually trodden this path. I have two friends who have both had marriages and kids with men and then ended up with women later on, and no, their children were not damaged for ever or disowned them. That's just rubbish to say that. This is not an uncommon scenario and everyone kicking you is just enjoying doing that for reasons best known to themselves.

I think it's good you have said what you said, and that he knows. That gives him choices and his own power in the situation, which he did not have not knowing about this. It also may be that this realisation has crept up on you, or that you love/loved him anyway but always wondered why the sex part wasn't all that.

I think you were naive and unrealistic to think he would be able to accommodate that in his vision of the future, I also think you haven't thought through what the future might look like, but I believe in honesty and would rather know these things than have someone bury this down and carry on- for what? It's unclear it would be better for him to continue this, especially as the marriage has been struggling for years.

YOU can’t imagine…. YOUR life.

I bet your DH and DC didn’t imagine any of this for their lives, either. Have you a single thought for what might be best for them?

It’s the modus operandi of the married, trans man. The wife has to stay around to be supportive. She exists only to support the man.

Oh and be super happy for them!

Have you considered that your husband never imagined living HIS life like this?

What a stupid thing to say. Of course I have.

Your therapist is useless, how did you both imagine this would go down?

Let us know how it goes with your kids; maybe they’ll be delighted to support you in ‘your truth’, more than your poor, blindsided husband was

My experience is that many grown-up mature children do accept that their parents are bi or gay if it is handled in a sensible manner. They may be devastated that the family home is broken up and divorce is happening, but once it has happened (and this probably happens to nearly 1 in 2 families) they are often able to see their parents as adults and want them to be happy. The families I know with two women at the helm do just great now and have strong close family bonds, and I also know a male gay couple where one man was married and they all co-parented after he came out. Not nice, not ideal, but not catastrophic, unless you think there is something so unforgiveable about having a gay or bi parent you would never speak to them again.

People change, they get divorced. The OP is naive and has blown everything up but she doesn't deserve these dire judgments. If anything, it's better out in the open now rather than another 10 years of a dead marriage down the line.

Quite. He presumably thought he knew your "truths" when he married you and had children with you.

Oh and before you go out to live "your truths": two of my siblings no longer speak to my mum and us who do, 100% side with the siblings on this. She lost her friends group.

Think really really hard about the damage you are going to unwittingly inflict on yourself too (as the damage to your husband or kids clearly had not occured to you before speaking to him and seems rather irrelevant).

So have you told the dc?

I suspect the OP was expecting the Philip Schofield treatment.

but stand in the background, never take the limelight. All while their D, DH takes on their whole persona and borrows their earrings hi the ex Mrs Theodore Upton 👋

I know for a fact most people who know our family would say the exact same about us and it would be completely wrong.

So you thought about what might be best for your DH in all this, and decided that him supporting you would be best - for him?

I think you’ve lost sight of how myopic you’ve become. Therapy is fucking awful 90% of the time. It’s the root cause of so, so many damaged relationships and self-harm.