Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

262 replies

StrawberryTeddybear · 03/10/2025 19:49

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

OP posts:
Mt563 · 03/10/2025 20:42

I told my husband I was bi after 15 years together. But we were solid and I had no desire to explore that, I just needed to actually acknowledge something which I'd hidden even from myself for so long (though in hindsight, it was always there). I feel very lucky he's accepted it, I've not made it a part of my identity and it doesn't change our relationship.

Unfortunately, I think with you already being rocky in your relationship, plus you thinking you might be gay rather than bi, as well as the tendency of therapy to drive a rather self- centred view, it was unlikely this was likely to play out well for you.

Wowwee1234 · 03/10/2025 20:45

I think you are ok OP.

It's fine to realise you are bi or gay and fine to be honest.

Your partners reaction could have gone many ways - he might have said he would welcome a discussion about opening the relationship; he might have shrugged his shoulders and thought things would stay the same just he knew you better; he might have felt you were asking permission to leave or be unfaithful.

With all if these, he has every right to be angry and to process this. And still you having these feelings is also fine. Why not give him space and time, then try and clarify what you think this means in practice. Do you want to change your life, explore this? Or just to live with the knowledge.

For info, I am bi and living monogomously for 25+ years. It's possible to make this commitment, if you want.

Livpool · 03/10/2025 20:47

I would be devastated if DH suddenly told me he was gay. What did you expect him to say?!

Your whole post is very me me, me

MaggieBsBoat · 03/10/2025 20:48

Poor man. It’s horrible.

Livpool · 03/10/2025 20:48

sciaticafanatica · 03/10/2025 20:35

You have basically told the man you married that the his life has been a lie, and you are gay but you didn’t expect him to be upset??
have you always been completely self centred??

Agreed!

NellieElephantine · 03/10/2025 20:49

Either he's been a really bad husband, or you are very self-absorbed, and I can imagine you'll bore the tits off people when you tell them about your coming out journey, and your 'truths'. 🙄
Given ops shock that he's not started up the celebration band and offered himself up as her support human, I'm leading towards self absorbed.

Northquit · 03/10/2025 20:51

Acceptthat you need to divorce.

questiontime321 · 03/10/2025 20:52

I was with a man for 8 years and we were living together. Not married. No kids.
I began to realise I was gay. It feels strange to say but at the time, I didn’t realise I ‘could’ be gay. As in it wasn’t a possibility ‘in this lifetime’.

Growing up, I actually thought I wanted to be a boy because I liked girls. But I didn’t want to be a boy at all but being gay was ‘really bad’ so didn’t occur to me I could be. my mum made comments when I was a teenager such as “if you were ever gay, I’d have to disown you”. Which is also odd because when I actually told her, she wasn’t bothered in the slightest.

it dawned on me after being in therapy a long time that I was ..
I was relieved and heartbroken. I knew I had to tell my partner but it was to end the relationship. I ended it and told him that was why. We were best friends and he was like a brother to me really.

he did actually ask could we stay together while I explored my sexuality as long as he ‘didn’t know about it’. But this didn’t feel right for me at all so I said I couldn’t do that and I did end the relationship.

it was completely heartbreaking for both of us. It was incredibly sad. And we grieved together really and then went our separate ways.

It’s hard to discover it later on in life. It’s been 13 years since that happened. I’ve only been with women since and I have a child through IVF.

I’m sorry that telling him, and his reaction has been such a shock for you. It’s a life changing discovery for you all really.

Needaglowup · 03/10/2025 20:53

Have you even thought of the impact of this on your children

Outbythebins · 03/10/2025 20:56

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 03/10/2025 20:38

I’ll be flamed, but personally, I think therapy can do this to a person. Constant reflection of yourself and your feelings.

Show quote history

Yeah this is why I don’t do one on one therapy. It’s self-absorption and navel gazing writ large.

whattheysay · 03/10/2025 20:57

Maybe you thought there would be no repercussions to telling your husband because we, quite rightly, are very accepting of sexuality and a lot of in road has been made into accepting a person whoever they are so maybe it didn’t occur to you that he wouldn’t react positively, he was supposed to help you through this new information. However that’s not real life as you’ve found out.

Outbythebins · 03/10/2025 20:59

By the way I’m bi.

my partner is a bloke. but he knows I’m bi. Not that I made a big announcement - it just came up in conversation talking about previous relationships

Original poster
StrawberryTeddybear · 03/10/2025 21:01

Thank you @Mt563 @Wowwee1234 . I need to give him time and when the conversation came up I wasn’t sure where it would end up but I didn’t expect it to just go to ‘ok bye’. There’s lots of things that will come up over the next few weeks I’m sure and I hope we can remain with our therapist to talk it through.

I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.

Yes therapy is self centred and that is the whole bloody point, it’s the only time people are actually allowed to talk about themselves without being called selfish and told to just suck it up and get on with it.

i can’t remember the poster who said but thanks for the Reddit suggestion, I’ll try that.

OP posts:
DIYagainstMould · 03/10/2025 21:02

Ok, realistically, is he supposed to tell you that a bit of vagina rubbing with another woman is totally ok darling, means nothing, since it was on the news that English women do sex with each other after the school run. That is bonkers

ChicJoker · 03/10/2025 21:03

yes I’ve experienced this! My dc are younger but same time with ex. It will have peaks and troughs of understanding and nastiness. So happy for you life will be messy but amazing

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2025 21:04

Did you tell him in therapy or at another time? You still haven’t said what support would have looked like.

Outbythebins · 03/10/2025 21:04

Wtf did you expect?

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/10/2025 21:05

I'd be devastated if I was your husband, I'd feel like my whole marriage was a lie.

Being gay - fine.

Telling your husband with no consideration of his feelings - heartless.

Luxio · 03/10/2025 21:06

I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.

I don't think I recall seeing anyone say that but you obviously don't want to leave this relationship otherwise you wouldn't be saddened he wanted to end the relationship? So actually you're expecting him to stay in a relationship he will be unhappy with, why? So you can have your cake and eat it too?

freakingscared · 03/10/2025 21:06

To be honest I think it’s very entitled of you to expect him to accept your whole relationship was a lie ! Do you have kids ?

Original poster
StrawberryTeddybear · 03/10/2025 21:06

questiontime321 · 03/10/2025 20:52

I was with a man for 8 years and we were living together. Not married. No kids.
I began to realise I was gay. It feels strange to say but at the time, I didn’t realise I ‘could’ be gay. As in it wasn’t a possibility ‘in this lifetime’.

Growing up, I actually thought I wanted to be a boy because I liked girls. But I didn’t want to be a boy at all but being gay was ‘really bad’ so didn’t occur to me I could be. my mum made comments when I was a teenager such as “if you were ever gay, I’d have to disown you”. Which is also odd because when I actually told her, she wasn’t bothered in the slightest.

it dawned on me after being in therapy a long time that I was ..
I was relieved and heartbroken. I knew I had to tell my partner but it was to end the relationship. I ended it and told him that was why. We were best friends and he was like a brother to me really.

he did actually ask could we stay together while I explored my sexuality as long as he ‘didn’t know about it’. But this didn’t feel right for me at all so I said I couldn’t do that and I did end the relationship.

it was completely heartbreaking for both of us. It was incredibly sad. And we grieved together really and then went our separate ways.

It’s hard to discover it later on in life. It’s been 13 years since that happened. I’ve only been with women since and I have a child through IVF.

I’m sorry that telling him, and his reaction has been such a shock for you. It’s a life changing discovery for you all really.

Edited

Thank you for sharing.

I love him so much and I am sad. It’s as if I just realised why it hasn't been working, we’ve been trying for years, but that was why I felt distant, I don’t know what he was distant with me.

My family will probably disown me as most are homophobic so I doubt it’ll be shouting it from the rooftops sadly.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/10/2025 21:11

Not one person has said to stay in the relationship. I'm not sure what you're reading.

Don't be surprised if he sacks off the therapy. There's no point now.

This isn't going to pan out the way it is in your head. It still seems to be all about you.

sciaticafanatica · 03/10/2025 21:12

@StrawberryTeddybearno one is saying you should stay in an unhappy relationship.
people are pointing out to you that your husband has every right to be upset but yet again your post is about you and how you are…, any mention of how your children are??

questiontime321 · 03/10/2025 21:12

@StrawberryTeddybear
I’m sorry to hear that. There are many supportive groups online or in person LGBTQ groups that might be helpful for you.

I felt the same really .. it wasn’t working. It was becoming miserable. I remember the tension in the house and how depressing it all felt. It didn’t feel right and I knew I couldn’t stay in the relationship. It was really hard.

but you’ll get there. And he will as well. It won’t be easy for any of you. But it takes time. Maybe he’ll see a therapist himself.

I think for me, I knew I’d need to find support elsewhere. I couldn’t expect my ex partner to support me although he offered many times. But I knew it would kill him to see me moving on. We’ve been in touch several times since and he’s told me how hard it was for him but he tried to not show it at the time. Like I say, we were like best friends. And I never stopped loving him. But I just couldn’t continue a relationship with him.
I hope you’re ok and continue getting the support you need.

freakingscared · 03/10/2025 21:13

StrawberryTeddybear · 03/10/2025 21:01

Thank you @Mt563 @Wowwee1234 . I need to give him time and when the conversation came up I wasn’t sure where it would end up but I didn’t expect it to just go to ‘ok bye’. There’s lots of things that will come up over the next few weeks I’m sure and I hope we can remain with our therapist to talk it through.

I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.

Yes therapy is self centred and that is the whole bloody point, it’s the only time people are actually allowed to talk about themselves without being called selfish and told to just suck it up and get on with it.

i can’t remember the poster who said but thanks for the Reddit suggestion, I’ll try that.

I never expect anyone to stay in unhappy relationships but I do not expect those who have the issues ( in this case you since you are the one rediscovering yourself ) not to accept responsibility.
You messed up his whole life , if you have children you will have messed up their life’s too .
you may not like being the cause of that but it’s the truth . I say this from personal experience and because I oversee hundreds of divorces where this is the cause . It’s very nice that you finally have come to terms of who you are but those around you will have to deal with the repercussions too !