Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

[StrawberryTeddybear]

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

It seems like you're saying you want to either cheat with women or split in order to be with them. Of course he'll be devastated. He feels betrayed probably. Would you really be supportive to him if he said he wanted to go off with a bloke out of the blue?

I hope it all works out alright for you and I guess the marriage is over. But ultimately that's what you want presumably? So just try and do it in the least painful, time/money consuming way for you both.

This. Am like others am sure, confused by what you were expecting to happen. Him to say, OK we'll continue to share a home and put up a facade to everyone so your family are OK and

A- both remain celibate
B- He be your 'beard'

Have you met someone else OP that had potentially sparked this realisation?

Your update is a bit rich. He wants a divorce yet you seem upset he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage he’s not happy in.

I think there's a difference between you announcing this if your relationship had been strong and close, and announcing it when - as you admit yourself - your relationship had been distant for a many years. With that background it's understandable for him to think "It finally all makes sense why our relationship isn't working - StrawberryReddybear just isn't into men so I'm fighting a losing battle and might as well give up." I get that your feelings are probably a lot more complicated than that but if I were in his shoes I can't say I wouldn't leap to the same conclusion.

If he's been to couples counselling with you to try to fix the relationship he clearly cares about you because if he didn't he wouldn't have bothered. But now you've come out with something that no amount of counselling will fix. Fundamentally it must feel like a rejection, and not just a rejection for something he can do something about like being more romantic or picking up more of the mental labour, but something that he can't hope to change.

This is awful, poor bloke!

I think you should have just ended the marriage as nicely as you could, given him time and explored your sexuality discreetly for a while before casually introducing the fact that you are seeing women to him at a much later date.
You do come across as incredibly self-centred and you now need to get out of his life as quickly as possible and give him space to lick his wounds. And for gods sake, don’t be flaunting your “truths” in front of him.
Date whoever you like but have some respect for the man you chose to marry. It’s not about you being gay, it’s about the fact that it will make him feel like you never even liked him or sex with him the whole time, that will crush him!

Your poor dh

I dont really think that there are any issues to work through. You are gay. He is a man.

I'm sure you must feel worried about being alone as you think that your family will be unsupportive, but he needs to do what he needs to to get through this.

If he was clinging to the marriage, that would be wrong imo, its a positive thing that he is willing to leave you to be who you are.

How old are your children? Where will you be living? How will you split childcare to suit your husband? How will you tell them? These are the things that should be your next focus

Wish you all the best in trying to find support groups and like-minded women who have experienced the same scenario xx

You genuinely thought he wouldn't be upset?

You absolutely don't need to stay in an unhappy marriage and not one reply has says that. You deserve to be happy and so dies your husband. What everyone is flaming you over is your expectation that he would support you through your sexuality realisation. That's not fair and that's why people are calling you out. There's nothing wrong with your realisation and you need to be true to yourself but your expectations of your husbands response is crazy

I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.

I don't see a single post suggesting you should stay in an unhappy relationship. You've told your husband why you're unhappy, distant and no longer want intimacy with him. He's reacted badly, which, given the circumstances isn't that surprising. You may love him because he's the Father of your children, but you aren't in love with him. Yes, people change over time, but I'm sure your husband wasn't expecting the bombshell you've dropped on him. No one is saying you should live a lie, and stay with your husband either (if that has been feasible). You were clearly expecting a different reaction from your husband, and didn't receive it. He's angry, hurt, humiliated, self-esteem has hit rock bottom and he's questioning everything in your marriage. You need to give him time/space. You need to decide with your husband (and some professional input) how you're going to tell your children, especially if he wants a divorce. You also need to discuss how to tell the wider family on both sides (again especially if you divorce). I don't think you're going to be able to hide the reason why you are splitting. If you want to live your life as yourself, then part of that is being honest with those around you.

I don’t think you should stay in an unhappy relationship. Not. At. All.

but you just threw a ficking grenade into your marriage and blew it sky high and there’s no fixing it - you’re gay, you’ll never be attracted to him. Ever. So what’s the bloke supposed to do? Hold your hand and sympathise as you explore your sexuality whilst he sits at home babysitting?

This. I don't know why he's still doing therapy with you. Seems pointless.

Being gay is fine. Thinking your husband will be OK with it? So, so naive.

You haven’t taken responsibility for yourself, or for the people to whom you’ve made commitments. In fact, you expected the one person to legitimately feel betrayed by this to actually be a support to you.

That’s not how newfound self-awareness works. You don’t just blurt out “your truths” and get swept away on the current of your feelings of relief and freedom. You owe people. You made commitments and promises which you’re going to have to break. You have no right to demand anything other than common decency from your husband and children at this point. If they do offer you more, it’ll be because they’re good people. It’ll be theirs to give, not yours to demand. Nothing to do with you coming out; everything to do with a grown ass woman making promises she can’t keep.

Lesbian relationships will differ greatly in reality compared to your perception.

I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.
Not a single poster has said ypu need to stay with him. In fact it's only you who seems to think he needs to stay with you while you get your new life in order @StrawberryTeddybear .

You have no right to demand anything other than common decency from your husband and children at this point. If they do offer you more, it’ll be because they’re good people. It’ll be theirs to give, not yours to demand.

Absolutely.

YABU. You’ve just pulled rug from under your husband, children, family and changed their entire lives & view of the world. Yet feel disappointed your not first on their agenda 🤦‍♀️ Grow the fuck up

Have you started looking for somewhere else to live @StrawberryTeddybear?

You have children, regardless of your sexuality, housing them and yourself should be your priority. Your husband has told you he wants an exit plan. Have you started making one?

I do not believe any qualified therapist would NOT discuss with you the impact this may have on your marriage or your husband.
If you are in any doubt, there is a thread somewhere on here from a woman whose DH announced he was gay. It was excruciatingly painful for her, a total assassination of what she believed was her life. Perhaps you could read it, it might help you to understand what your husband is going through. This is not all about you or your “truths”.

Yep. Too much introspection can almost have the effect of brainwashing. I find all this ‘unburdening myself by dropping bombs on my spouse’ to be really selfish. Either hold your silence or leave

I’m sorry it hasn’t gone the way you hoped and I hope you find people to talk to or have friends who will support you .

I understand what other posters are saying - your DH is hurt . But I’m shocked at people who are in shock that you expected support. The person you marry should be your best friend. OP has not cheated , she has realised her feelings and that she may be gay and has chosen to be honest with her husband about it. She hasn’t betrayed him and she hasn’t done anything deliberately. It would be worse to live a lie. I love my husband and the thought of not being with him kills me but if he opened up to me and told me he was gay, I couldn’t just abandon him. I vowed to love and support him and I would do that as much as I could

No one is saying you should stay with him, the only person who has expressed surprise that he wants out is you?!

Your therapy sounds nonsense, tbh. Probably the same kind that has you rewriting your childhood, telling your family that you’ve always been the black sheep, blah blah, and now this is YOUR TIME

I knew a gay married woman who had two children with her wife, but before I knew her she had been married to a man. Very religious background; early, short, childless marriage, realised she was gay, apologised to her husband and then either got divorced or possibly the marriage was annulled.They stayed friends.

If my partner came out gay that would be the end of the road for us. How could I support someone who wants to sleep with someone else?
I would have thought you coming out would be leading to a break up anyway, I'm surprised you think his reaction would or should be any different.

He will be finding it very difficult to know who you are, now. It's like you're a different person after such a huge disclosure. Of course he is hurting terribly. Perhaps all that time in therapy has made you lose sight of others' feelings whilst concentrating so much on yourself. Now you need to realise your DH and children need to express and work through their feelings.