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Original poster

DH wants me to sleep with another man

298 replies

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/10/2025 13:27

Tell him you will not be involved in his pervy fantasies. And get divorced.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/10/2025 13:27

Hi OP

It's a fairly usual fantasy. But like most fantasies, probably less people actually act it out in real life compared to those who like to think about it, and not everyone thinks through the implications.

Firstly you should only be considering this if its something you both want to do. If either of you are uncomfortable or change their mind, then it doesn't happen. At any point. And if he is now pissed off and trying to coerce or persuade you to do anything, that would be a red flag for me.

You also need to fully discuss every what if type scenario that you can think of. What if you love it and he hates it, or the other way round. What if you get pregnant by the other man. What if your husband has feelings of jealousy that he can't control. What if you didn't like it and don't want to relive it by talking about it with him. What if one of you realise you want to delve deeper into this lifestyle. What if you start to develop feelings for someone you sleep with. What if he realises that actually what he wants is to sleep with another woman or couple. Is this the start of something else or a one off. You can only really move forward if you've got agreement on how you'll both approach these situations.

randomchap · 01/10/2025 13:27

A bloke I know ruined his marriage like this.

He wanted his wife to sleep with someone else, she went along with it, but then he got really jealous and angry.

He loved the fantasy but the reality was completely different.

They are divorced now, thankfully no kids involved.

BCBird · 01/10/2025 13:28

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/10/2025 10:42

Do you want to do this OP?

This is the question to answer. Don't do this for him. Do this if it's what you want to do.

toiletpaperthief · 01/10/2025 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm not stalking you, I'm politely replying to your post, why are you so mad at me because I'm not into monogamy? Why such an agressive response?

TeaCupTornado · 01/10/2025 13:31

This is very messed up. Ive not rtft. Id get yourself therapy and divorce him.

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 01/10/2025 13:31

It's a very bad idea because it gives your H too much power in your relationship. He likes the idea but in reality he would use it against you. It doesn't sound as if you like him very much so the likely outcome is that you would become emotionally involved with the other man, leave your H and then you'll be punished forever for cheating and leaving him.

Daygloboo · 01/10/2025 13:32

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

Hes softening you up so he can sleep with other women...with the ultimateaim of leaving completely and not having to be responsible for anything. He's a calculated twat. Leave him.

blueliner · 01/10/2025 13:32

This is giving me Dominique Pelicot vibes. Yuk!!

Hoardasurass · 01/10/2025 13:33

@Greentiger54 I honestly don't think that you've posted this thread on the right board. I hope you don't mind but I've ask @MNHQ To move it to the relationship board where you'll get practical advice

GoldDuster · 01/10/2025 13:35

It could be normal if one of you wasn't pissed off and the other didn't have cold feet. Don't progress with this any futher, this has got disaster written all over it.

This is a really common fantasy, but the reality of it is a completely different ballgame, and you don't sound remotely like you actually want this. You are not his posession to rent out to other men, and that's what is going on here for him. It's a power move. Tell him to stick it.

dottiedodah · 01/10/2025 13:38

I think you know the answer really dont you? I always say if it doesnt feel right then it isn't. You have only been married for 4 years! Surely "spicing up " your sex life isnt necessary yet ,He may be getting ideas from porn ,or alternatively is one of those guys who hate their wife having a "past" which doesnt include them. Either way I would think twice about this ,You have young DC and it would not be advisable I dont think .

XWKD · 01/10/2025 13:39

It's not up to your husband. He has no right to coerce you into having sex with anyone.

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 13:40

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 13:08

And yeah, no normal men anywhere want this. Freaks who want to drag everyone else into the gutter with them are in the tiny minority but they're forever shrieking and yelping about their grim, sordid fucked up lives, trying to convince normal people to be perverted weirdos too.

They'll try anything, normality shaming screaming weird slurs about being "vanilla" and DON'T JUDGE MEEEEE!!!!!

Of course we're judging them. They can fuck off with their perversions and keep them to themselves if they don't want normal people to judge them.

The vast, vast, vast majority of people want nothing to do with this. Leave him, do it now, take your kids right away from this freak.

Do you want this creepy bastard of a man around your kids? How will you feel when he tells them their mother is a skank who fucked other men - which he will do when you leave him or when he leaves you.

What if he tries to normalise this kind of coercive perversion to them when they are older? Imagine the sex talk - when a woman loves a man very much she lets him force her to let random men stick their dick in her so the man can get his rocks off.

It is only a matter of time now, your marriage is completely, totally and forever over. Leave now before he harms you any further.

And remember, Gisele Pelicot's husband - the porn addicted rapist - did EXACTLY what your husband is doing, he tried to talk her into letting random men stick their dicks in her. When she refused, he started drugging her and handing her over to random rapists.

Your husband is not safe, not normal and you need to go.

Edited
Show quote history

Got things I need to do now, so won't be back to the thread.

So any perverts attempting to wipe their slimy fantasies and freaky attempts at justification on me should know that from here on in I will not have read your words.

I won't see any more of your posts which coercively force others to read about your grim, freakish fantasies.

So thanks in advance to any of the fucked up sleazers on the thread for any attempts to shame me for not being a porn addicted freak. They always resort at some point to trying to paint normal sex as "vanilla" or trying to pretend it's "sex positive" to be a creepy freak. Any slurs and insults from such grim desperados are always considered a compliment. You are fooling absolutely nobody.

Anyway, OP, your husband is not normal or safe. You should ask to have this thread deleted and then leave him and take your kids right away from him. And remember to keep evidence of his attempts to freakishly coerce you into letting strangers sexually assault you - he won't want anybody to know what a grim, sleazy, porn addicted loser he is and you can keep that evidence to keep him away from you and your children.

Again, Gisele Pelicot's rapist porn addicted husband started just like this. And when it comes time to talk sex to your children you do NOT want this fucking loser of a man anywhere near that topic.

Good luck.

Hyperfix8d · 01/10/2025 13:41

Your OP sounds very much like this is not your idea and you are not onboard with it. You need to communicate how you feel and go from there, you have to be 100% onboard and secure in your relationship before you add other people and it’s not for everyone (I know I certainly couldn’t).

napody · 01/10/2025 13:43

Who coined the phrase 'women have kinks, men have fetishes'? It's a rare man that can see kinky stuff as fun extras, it seems to become an all consuming obsession that they then feel entitled to. You were considering it but even if you had wanted to he's already bled all the potential fun out of it and made it a chore. Gross.

OriginalSkang · 01/10/2025 13:45

Is this Hotwife? Or Cuckold?

napody · 01/10/2025 13:45

blueliner · 01/10/2025 13:32

This is giving me Dominique Pelicot vibes. Yuk!!

Oh, and quite possibly this. He sees you as his possession to hand out as he sees fit.

brunettemic · 01/10/2025 13:45

Paganpentacle · 01/10/2025 10:40

Your husband wanting you to sleep with another man isn't normal ....

Not normal for you. It’s not something I’d do either but it’s normal for plenty of others.

Suszieq · 01/10/2025 13:46

@Greentiger54 Dont do it.

your husband is sexually perverted and is trying to bring you into his perversions. This is not normal sexual behaviour. Do not do it. Do not betray yourself by doing it

BlueandPinkSwan · 01/10/2025 13:48

poshfrock · 01/10/2025 11:32

OP you might want to consider having this moved to the Sex board where you ( and your husband) are likely to receive less judgement and more considered responses.

A lot of people are commenting "I wouldn't do it" which is fine but not helpful as the only person being asked to do anything is the OP.

Hotwifing is not "disgusting ", it is a kink like BDSM is a kink. Personally BDSM does nothing for me but I wouldn't presume to judge others who enjoy it as part of their sexual portfolio.

If you do decide to go ahead then you need to consider the following:

  1. As with any sexual activity all 3 parties must consent and consent can be withdrawn by any party at any time.
  2. STI checks are mandatory
  3. Is pregnancy possible, if so what would you do?
  4. Does your husband want to watch in person or are the activities going to be videoed / photographed? If so who has ownership and control of the media.
  5. What happens if the sex is better with the new man than with your husband? How will you both deal with that ?
6.How would you find a willing partner ? There are websites who specialise in this and men who understand the role they are being asked to play. A former FWB is probably not a good idea unless they are explicitly interested in the hotwife kink.

Also considet that, your husband may like the idea of you having sex with another man but the reality is often very different. You could test the water by you both going out to a bar or similar and he watches from afar whilst other men chat you up. See how he feels about that. It might be sufficient that he sees other men finding you desirable without actually having sex. For some men this is enough and he may well have a change of heart.

The key is open and honest communication.

And for those of you saying " What about your children?" , well I don't discuss my sexual proclivities with mine so they wouldn't know. If your children know the details of your sexual activities then I think you're the weird ones.

The kids wouldn't be told about it obviously but there is always the chance they would over hear a conversation or someone involved let's something slip.
A woman was shagging a couple of the fathers at my kids middle school when they were younger. Gossip got out among the parents, she had to take her kid out of school because the lad was getting bullied about it.
The skanky blokes used to joke about it with my exh in the pub about her and the things they did. Reason 24 I ditched him, he told me and thought it was funny.

Daygloboo · 01/10/2025 13:48

3luckystars · 01/10/2025 12:42

I couldn’t disagree more. There are lots of different types of people that like lots of different things and most monogamous marriages don’t even work out.

Who are we to judge anyone for what they like doing. We are not all the same!!

Show quote history

Most monogamous marriages dont work out....oh dear... what on earth shall we do instead ......oh I know....let's all go and have creepy smelly group sex with strangers. That'll do it

CautiousLurker01 · 01/10/2025 13:48

QuayshhLawrain · 01/10/2025 13:21

There was a post on here, not too long ago, written by a woman whose partner had the same fantasy as your husband. When it actually happened, the husband became insanely jealous, and it irrevocably damaged the relationship, and they ended up splitting, really acrimoniously.

I wouldn't entertain this any further @Greentiger54, it won't end well.

In every case where I’ve heard of someone doing this, this has been the result. And an acrimonious divorce followed.

Truly, OP just say No and say that if he is not willing to accept this boundary on your marriage and sex life, then you’ll have to reconsider whether the marriage is feasible any longer.

I’m afraid there WILL be porn involved in this - men don’t limit themselves to evenings on the sofa. It can be ‘long’ visits to the loo etc. They happily take a porn break at work too. At the very least you may need couples counselling to understand why he feels there is a void in your relationship and why he feels this is the way to plug it.

Cinaferna · 01/10/2025 13:50

Remind him of the dictionary definition of the word 'fantasy'.

2024onwardsandup · 01/10/2025 13:53

This is coercive abuse. Your marriage is over.