DH wants me to sleep with another man

[Greentiger54]

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

Hmm it’s not normal really. I’d say either he wants you to open up to him sleeping with another woman, or he’s possibly gay and it’s exciting for him to see a man having sex. Possibly hoping he can join in?

Not a positive thing at all if you’re not happy with it.

And don't forget, when he leaves you (as he will of course when you won't do more and more degraded and disgusting things) or you leave him because you cannot stand the abuse anymore, he will tell EVERYONE what you did and blame you for being a skank who fucked other men.

And he will post video evidence all over the internet.

He's a degraded piece of shit. Get a lawyer.

I couldn’t disagree more. There are lots of different types of people that like lots of different things and most monogamous marriages don’t even work out.

Who are we to judge anyone for what they like doing. We are not all the same!!

Just get a lawyer. He's a creepy bastard.

To answer your question.....
One person's normal is another person's weird or way over a line in the sand.

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I think your DH needs to keep his hot wife fantasies well and truly in his head and not try to include the unwilling - you - in them.

It's putting worms in a can to be opened up at a future date.

It seems like you are being pressurised or at least feel you are?

Whether you sleep with this other person or don't I can't see this having a happy ending.

Edit - clarity

He is 100% watching porn. That's how he knows there is terminology for it. You don't sound like you want to do it, and his anger amounts to pressure. I would say be careful because your relationship will change if you go through with it - bit it's already changed because he is pressuring you to do something that you don't sound remotely enthusiastic about. Don't do it.

We can judge them for getting married and then springing it on their partner and pressuring them. We all know how this goes.

Only do it if you actually want to do it. I had an ex who said the same thing as your husband but I didn't go through with it.

@StandFirm
OP, I don't want to sound sanctimonious but your body isn't a toy for your husband to remote control.

Don't worry. You'd have to work a lot bloody harder than that to sound noticeably sanctimonious on AIBU.

If you are not willing then you have to see this request from your husband as a form of coercive control. I know someone who went along with the fantasy for her husband, and it destroyed the marriage (although I would argue it was dead at the point where he demanded she did this for him). It started with her having sex with an acquaintance, while her husband watched. Then he wanted swinging clubs. She hated it, but didn't want to lose her family life so went along with it. In the end he had an affair, gave her herpes and blamed her for destroying the marriage by twisting the truth of their 'arrangement'. Lots of tears and nasty divorce proceedings. I am all about no judgement when this is a mutually accepted arrangement that is enacted safely, but it doesn't always go like that.

There was a similar tread where the husband was pushing for the same thing and when she slept with the other guy, the husband said he is now disgusted and can't look at his wife.

It is a lose lose situation you are in. :(

Don't feel forced into doing anything

He is definitely interested in porn.

Thank you for all the reply’s, i’m thinking very carefully about what to do next, part of me wants to take the kids and just go somewhere far away from him

I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says, no it’s not normal.

If you want to feel what it’s like to chip off a bit of your soul and lose it forever, then knock yourself out. Get fucked by another man and then come home and let your husband fuck you straight after. Yep. Sounds like the recipe for a perfect marriage.

I’d leave my husband if he suggested such a thing. He would be showing me he’s not the man I thought he was.

Totally agree with that part of you xx

Do exactly that. He's a fucking creep, coercive, abusive, cannot be trusted and for the love of God NEVER let him get you on video doing anything freaky at all it will be shared internet wide.

Also, you can no longer trust him at all, remember the Pelicot woman, her rapist first tried to talk her into allowing strange men to dick her, when she refused he started drugging her and handing her over to strangers.

And make sure you have evidence of him trying to force you to do this revolting act, he won't want other people to know what a filthy perverted creep he is, and you can use that to keep him away from you and your children.

My God, you are all very judgemental. The 'hotwife' kink is very common (my own husband included) and in a lot of cases a fantasy; a fantasy being something that has no business becoming a reality and yes, everyone has them. It is in no way, shape or form evidence of a porn addiction, not that there is anything wrong with porn unless it is getting the way of or replacing a real sexual relationship.

OP if you are not comfortable with it TELL HIM!!! If your husband loves you he will not want to make you uncomfortable and if you find him forcing you into an uncomfortable situation, it's time to get out.

I managed to vote the wrong way. This isn’t right that your husband is trying to push you into this. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Can you have a proper conversation with him about how you’re feeling? This isn’t something you can brush under the carpet.

This is utterly grim and so disrespectful of you OP. Doubt he’d feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot. I couldn’t stay with a man like this.

I think this is a really common fantasy and personally think lots of men want it. I wouldn't judge any couple for what turns them on, however I think anyone who does this needs to want to do it for themselves too.
I don't think any decent man would want their OH to do this if they weren't getting enjoyment for it themselves.
I think what i'm getting at is that it's got to be a shared kink.
Husband getting angry with you just makes me feel none of this is for you both and he needs to grow up.

Can you imagine? 😂

“dearest husband I get really turned on by the thought of you being fucked up the ass by my old fwb. Shall we get him round so he can see to you and then you can have sex with me and tell me all about it”

Aye, right.

Obviously this is not normal. Your husband has a paraphila he is trying to make you engage in. Do you want to? It doesn't sound like it at all. Don't ever be manipulated to participate in a mans sexual fetish, it never ends there.

Depends on your definition of normal. It seems to be a surprisingly common male fantasy.

@thecatneuterer a fantasy is imagined, this is a fetish - a paraphilia he is trying to manipulate her to engage in. They are NOT the same thing.