DH wants me to sleep with another man

[Greentiger54]

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

Go round the other man's house, sleep with him platonically and send a photo of the pair of you sat up in bed pyjama clad like Morecombe and Wise to your husband

Does the ex-FWB know that he was being set up as fantasy fodder for another man?

OP - talk to your DH about 1 Consent - he has no business pressurising you or getting annoyed, 2. Fantasy.. Tell him the extent to which you re prepared to go (or not) in fantasising about 3rd party sex - tell him fantasy tales, listen to his or whatever, but where you boundaries lie in RL.

All of this. Absolutely look out for yourself and your children, OP. Right now he's not thinking with his brain.

The thing about things like this, once you have done it there is no reverse. You can not undo it. So you have to be 100 percent sure and so does he, that you are 100 percent happy with doing it, and your husband will be 100 percent happy once it is done. Not many couples would be able to withstand this.
Its not something we would do as despite after a long relationship, we sometimes talk about spicing things up, ultimately we can't be sure it wouldnt blow up our relationship.
Some couples are perfecty fine with this, but it isnt many.
Are you 100 percent on board and sure you will not feel horrible in any way afterwardz. If not then you should not go through with it. Its your body, not your husbands.

Would you encourage your daughter to do the same to please her husband? What would you say to a friend in this situation?

also @Greentiger54 he is most definitely consuming porn. This desire isn’t normal and doesn’t spring out of nowhere. He’s knows about it (and knows the lingo) because he is consuming porn. He is most likely consuming a lot of porn too

You have every right to demand and expect husband to be faithful to you and to not watch and get off to other people having sex. You have every right to demand and expect this. Do not listen or accept otherwise

Is your FWB getting cold feet because he's feeling like a prop in another man's fantasy?

Because that's what you both are - only you're married to the person whose fantasy this is which I think makes this worse!

The fact your husband is getting pissed off at the FWB is a red flag too.

My first thoughts too . . .

This is entirely not a normal request but a requirement you indulge a kink fantasy of your DH's - and one possibly devastating for your marriage. Tell him to imagine his fantasy but you are not playing ball. And that's the end of the matter - if he sulks he sulks (and this might also be an end to your marriage if it continues).
That you actually have arranged to meet someone to do this absolutely stuns me, btw.

You need to do what’s best for you, not what he wants. You’ve said part of you wants to take the kids and get away from him so you’re not feeling very comfortable or safe right now .

Don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. Your husband should not be angry about this situation at all. People have fantasies and they are fine to stay as fantasies if both people are not fully committed to the idea of it. He made a suggestion, you were willing to try, it’s not worked out so if you’ve decided not to do anything rhen please don’t do it!

This is not normal in any functioning marriage between people who are not into weird kinks.

Aside from the fact that you are being coerced to participate (through your husband’s behaviour towards you) in sexually activity you don’t want to participate in, I am also wondering if the “FWB” is aware of the full details of what he might be getting involved in. If not, this is also, at best, incredibly unethical. I’m sure there are more layers to your husband’s abusive behaviour.

Do you know what I like? Loving, caring, supportive trusting monogamy in the context of a healthy marriage. Kids don’t need this shit in their lives, it will always cause damage to the family.

As someone who had a porn-addicted partner (ex) many moons ago who went on about this for the six years we were together, I can safely say that unless this is genuinely your thing, it will wear you down and eventually put you off him altogether. I never physically gave in, thank god, but never felt comfortable saying the idea was abhorrent to me either. I was young, he was older (think 19 and almost 30 at the start of our relationship), he was extremely emotionally abusive and never once showed any concern for how I felt about ANYTHING, let alone his manky desires. I ended up stuck being mentally sexually assaulted constantly, and felt I had to play along because he was so coercive/critical and basically bullied me into acquiescing, even though I hated it and the whole idea made me feel sick. It infiltrated every part of our lives - he would constantly demand I wrote him dirty stories via email so he could wank off to them. If I was going out somewhere without him, instead of wishing me well, it was 'Feel free to suck any big cocks you can find, as long as you film it for me'. Yet having a male friend ... or actually any kind of friend ... was totally out, so I had to keep my relationships with others, however innocent, a secret from him. We were long distance, so didn't see eachother for weeks at a time, but it didn't stop him infecting everything with his horrible attitude, and I ended up having a total breakdown just after I entered my 20s. When I look back now, nearly 38 and a mother of two, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I would be appalled if anybody treated either of my daughters like that and they didn't feel able to stand up for themselves.

I realise this isn't likely to be your exact situation (if it is, LEAVE - NOW - as it's unlikely to get any better), but ideally, you need to set boundaries about how far you are willing for this to go. If you're happy to talk about it and play around with it as an imaginary situation, then he needs to accept that. If you never want to hear about it again, then he needs to accept that and keep it to himself. If he can't do that, then what you do is up to you, but I would advise you to get out rather than have this become your life, or end up basically agreeing to be raped (because that's ultimately what it is when you have sex you don't want) just to keep him happy.

My advice ? DONT!!!! Take it from someone who knows. After years and years of being married my OH came up with the idea "out of the blue" lots of arguments, sulking , if you loved me you would. Etc. Eventually I gave in . After the deed was over the jealousy kicked in and my life was awful. (For a long time ) please love keep it a fantasy and don't do it .

This! I would question his motives.

He's consuming porn.

Is your former FWB aware that this request is coming from your husband and he's to be used to fulfill your husband's fantasy? If you haven't been honest with him, you and your husband are being very unethical here.

It sounds like your husband is coercing you into this and it's not something you're interested in. You can say no if that's the case.

Both you and your former FWB are props to your husband's fantasy and his getting angry at FFWB backing out shows he has no respect for your and your FFWB's bodily autonomy. This bodes poorly for the future of your relationship.

Even if you did this, he wouldn't be satisfied for long and his requests would become more extreme and his pressuring you more intense.

Time to get out if this is not what you want.

I'm sure he does
I'm sure he's really keen ...untill it's actually happened,and suddenly he changes how he feels,and he can't cope with the fact you enjoyed it ..
But that's beside the point .
It doesn't sound like that's what you want op ..in which case tell him no ...it's sounds like this is best kept as a fantasy really ..the potential for it to go wrong ,and you to feel used is very high

No, but it’s perfectly acceptable between consenting couples. Not for me but each to their own.

OP as someone with a more alternative sexual lifestyle in a happy non mongamous partnership I believe it's perfectly reasonable for you to be pissed off at his pushy behaviour, don't cave into it. It's clearly not your thing and you need to set some very firm boundaries: "Not my cup of tea, end off". His fantasy might need to remain a fantasy. Dragging FWB into being a prop is not cool either. If my partner came to me today and tried to convince me into bungee jumping over a bridge next weekend I would tell him to go and do one.

He's going to have to suck it up and continue being the nice dotting husband and supporting husband, anything else is not an option.

But this is normal in the functioning marriages between people who are into the ‘weird’ kink 😁

Well, yes, but do you want to be in such a marriage? What OP's DH is suggesting is a pornographic fantasy with consequences that could wreck the marriage.

Nowhere in this post have you said you would like to do it. Stand up for what you want, if you want to fair enough but it really doesn’t sound like you do

@Coconutter24 Stand up for what you want.

This with bells.

I am sure the second you agree to this he will introduce other people, particularly other women unless he is a closet homosexual.

Op, your marriage might be over but you can still save your dignity. You can save your self respect and your children’s future lives where your home isn’t used as a swingers den. Please think very carefully about whether you can bring yourself to stay with this specimen, because quite frankly who does this to the mother of their children…. Seriously.

The fwb did not know anything about the hotwife fantasy, I didn’t mention that. I’m pretty sure he knows i’m married but he probably assumes we’re on a break and that was why I messaged him again. I was going to explain when meeting him. However after him messing me around and me deciding I really didn’t want this, I have since blocked him on all platforms.