DH wants me to sleep with another man

[Greentiger54]

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

Eh, this is quite a common kink. If you're not into it, and it sounds like you're not, you need to say so.

Real-worlding your sexual fantasies, especially when they involve other people, is risky... The fact he's getting 'angry' and you're getting cold feet aren't good signs.

Yes, that’s who I was thinking of!

This is the thin end of the wedge OP. If it’s not your thing then don’t do it, you can never come back from it.

It might be ‘common’ in your sphere, but it’s not in mine, and my dh would be served divorce papers if he ever suggested such a thing.

I think you’re in the right track there. Good luck x

If he knows you're married he probably smells a 'dead rat'. If still single he might also feel used (in general) , might not think it's cool to sleep with married women or he might be dating someone else. I can think of a million reasons why he's getting cold feet. If an ex FWB who happens to be married gets in touch with me for some "sex fun" personally I would run to the hills, but that's just me.

That's totally fair. Wouldn't be my cup of tea either, but everyone's different.

This is why open communication is key. The fact this has come out of nowhere for OP should raise alarm bells. No kinky tendencies to suddenly wanting his wife to be a 'hotwife'? Something's amiss.

I'm not sure it is acceptable. It's not treating the marriage as the exclusive contract that it is and it is a breach of trust. It is also not only the couple in the 'open' marriage who are affected by their attitude to sexual gratification, but also the people they use as sexual partners outside the marriage. Those people may be in other relationships, which can be damaged, or may be emotionally damaged if they become attached to either of the spouses. Casual sex is emotionally damaging on its own, too. Witness the problems caused by 'hook-up' culture - meaningless sexual encounters can damage our sense of self and our self-worth.
So, not acceptable behaviour on any count.

Not only would I not be sleeping with another man I’d not be sleeping with your husband either. He has zero respect for you - he wants to open the door to him sleeping with other women. Give your head a shake.

And getting angry with her is actually abusive and coercive.

So don’t do it. Why you arguing about it?

I’ll refer you to my previous comments - I am in such a marriage (though I’m an enthusiastic participant and if I wasn’t, and my DH had tried to manipulate me into it, he’d have been history a long time ago!). If you look at my first comment though, I set out that it is possible to have a fulfilling non-monogamous relationship but only if: both enjoy that kink, there’s a solid bedrock of trust, love and respect, strong boundaries and crucially, a huge amount of open and honest communication. Not ‘off you pop, fuck your ex for me, will you, or I’ll throw a strop’. That shit is borderline abusive.

Hopefully my first post will either a) give the OP something to think about and a framework for constructive conversations with her H if she’s genuinely interested in exploring it or b) make her realise that what he’s doing is a million miles away from a healthy, respectful and loving relationship and she should get the heck out of dodge.

This - you don't sound comfortable or as if it would actually bring you sexual pleasure, so what's in it for you? If this is a fantasy, how about you explain that your wedding vows of monogamy are actually very important to you and then play a game together where you describe pretend exploits with other people - then you can make them as wild as you/he likes and it would strengthen your primary bond rather than potentially weaken it? Surely that would be 98% the same as he doesn't actually want to be involved/watch? (If you've had any written convos about it or with the other guy I'd actually be tempted to present the monogamy one in writing too, on the offchance he is setting you up for a divorce using evidence of your adultery, and also feel this heads off 'you cheated so now I'm going to cheat' next year).

I would be heartbroken and then furiously angry in that order.

What a wanker. He's just chucked it all away for a pervy fantasy.

I used to work with a woman who had this exact thing after three years of marriage. Her DH found a bloke to take part in a threesome without discussing it with her. She picked up the baby and walked out on the pair of them.

He messaged her for months and turned up at work telling her it was just a fantasy blardy blar. She divorced him and was done.

She said they had discussed in depth before marriage, how they wanted marriage to look and what was and was not on the table. This was so far from what they had agreed. Our lady boss threatened to castrate him one afternoon when he was crying in the car park!

Given you are only 4 years into marriage OP I would run for the hills. He's not sexually satisfied by your relationship and he's probing into infidelity but of course if he involves you, then it's not cheating is it....

Don't remove your personal boundaries to keep him.

I’d divorce him. You are married with kids. He should be a good husband and father, not trying to act out pervy fantasies.

No it is far from "normal". Not saying people don't do it, but it is not usual.

I’m don’t like polyamory etc and think it’s often problematic. Watch Open House on Channel 4.

But come on, some of these replies are a bit mad. This is not a paraphilia, that is laughable. That is literally not what the word means.

The only issue here is here is that OP is not interested in this, and that his reaction is pressuring her to engage in it. There is nothing ‘perverted’ about open relationships themselves, as one person tried to say.

I have voted YABU to go along with this in the first place!

I am not arguing about it. I am pointing out that a couple who agree to have an open marriage are causing damage to others as well as to themselves.

Have you considered how the partners you engage with outside your marriage are affected by what you are doing?

Who is going to baby sit?

Tell him that your fantasy is to watch him being taken from behind by a man before you then have sex with the same man. Or you'll do it as long as its his brother or Dad. He's just trying to open up your marriage so he can do what he wants with a clear conscience. Enough of you talking about what HE wants, What about what YOU do or don't want.

Yes, absolutely - that is key. There are plenty of single men and women who also enjoy being part of this kind of dynamic though, in their role as the third (they are non-monogamous too and have no desire to join a relationship in my experience!). Again - communication is key. In my first comment, I went into this quite a bit. I advocated for socials before action to get to know the partners and clearly set out expectations on both sides. And I personally prefer to become friends with the extra partners I have had. But that includes having those often difficult conversations and ensuring that you keep checking in with them as well, withdrawing if either of you might potentially be developing feelings. Again, all in my first comment buried somewhere in here!

And presumably get regularly tested for nasty STDs.

Sounds like it could get complicated. Make sure you take the time to tune in with your own instincts on this and that you're not being led