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Original poster

DH wants me to sleep with another man

298 replies

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

OP posts:
Dummydimmer · 01/10/2025 10:48

What is normal is subjective. I would wonder if your husband may be gay,or inclined. He wants to hear about you having sex with another man . You could advise him that reality and fantasy are different,if he doesn't know.

Silverbirchleaf · 01/10/2025 10:49

That would give me the ick.

Teajenny7 · 01/10/2025 10:50

If he doesn't watch porn where did he get the 'hotwife' fantasy from?

Personally, I would be offended if my husband suggested it. I would be enraged if he told me to contact someone for his fantasy. It sounds controlling.

Don't remember that in my marriage vows.

However, you are not me and you can make your own decisions.

Scottishskifun · 01/10/2025 10:50

Opening up a relationship shouldn't be taken lightly or without detailed discussion. It shouldn't be you feeling pressured by him then him being pissed off/throwing a strop.
Also reality means that once done can't go back in the box.

It sounds like you need proper conversation and you need to decide if this is something you want to do. It's also completely OK to day no this is a firm boundary for me.

Phoenix1Arisen · 01/10/2025 10:50

What happens when his fantasy turns into the reality of you preferring the other man, or going down with a STD, or becoming pregnant or being blackmailed? Not such healthy fun then, is it?

ERthree · 01/10/2025 10:52

Are you so desperate to please your husband that you will sleep with other men ? What happens when your pig of a husband moves that fantasy on, maybe wants you to sleep with 2 men at the same time, or maybe watch as some bloke beats you as he has rapes you, are you going along with just to keep your husband ? Where are your boundries, where is your self respect ?

SapatSea · 01/10/2025 10:52

You are getting cold feet because you know it's not what you want deep down and not right for you. DON'T DO IT!! what will be his next request? Maybe your H won't like the reality of it if you go ahead and will accuse you of adultery and being a hoor. He sounds like he is bored in the marriage, wants to look elsewhere, has FOMO, maybe is porn addicted. Honestly I'd let him go. The only other man or woman I'd be seeing is a divorce solicitor.

TattooStan · 01/10/2025 10:55

I wouldn't use terms like "normal" or "not normal", but hot wifeing is a kink and if it's not for you, it's not for you.

There's not a chance in hell my husband would want me having sex with another man, I can't imagine how I'd feel if he made the suggestion.

I would worry it might open the door to normalising cheating. Maybe not, but if you're free to go and have sex with other men, where do you both draw the line?

rainbowstardrops · 01/10/2025 10:58

Having sexual fantasies between the two of you is obviously absolutely fine as long as both people are ok with it but wanting you to sleep with another man and then tell him about it? Ewww. That seriously oversteps the boundary!

InTheWellBeing · 01/10/2025 10:59

I wouldn’t have sex with a man who isn’t my husband.

HowToSaveAWife · 01/10/2025 10:59

My husband wanted this too. It isn't normal.

Now we're divorced, he's a diagnosed narcissist and court ordered to stay away from me. I'm recovering from his coercive abuse.

Best of luck OP.

Beeloux · 01/10/2025 11:01

It’s disgusting and not normal at all unless your in a polyamorous relationship.

I would be showing any man the door if they were proposing for me to shag another man or for them another woman.

Sounds like he’s been watching too much porn.

MyAcornWood · 01/10/2025 11:01

There’s nothing much, if anything, in your post about how you feel about the idea of sleeping with someone else. You say it’s made you feel crappy to be mucked around by the ex fwb but did you even want to do it in the first place? It’s a terrible idea imo, a sure fire way of obliterating the foundations on which your marriage stands… but in fairness, your disgusting husband has done that already by pushing you into this fantasy.

Frauhubert · 01/10/2025 11:02

My DH has the hottest and fittest best mate and I totally would 🥲 Unfortunately my husband hasn’t expressed a desire for us to have a threesome 😭
Not sure how I would feel about it if he did tbh. Probably I would loose interest, as these things should come naturally, and the biggest turn off for me would be feeding someone’s fetish.

Beeloux · 01/10/2025 11:03

Sadly I think it’s becoming more common for men to have the cheek to even mention it.

My last two exs requested threesomes with woman. I told them I would only do it with 2 men to piss them off (I wouldn’t) and dumped them.

nomas · 01/10/2025 11:03

Any time you have an argument, he will throw it back in your face that you slept with another man.

You know this isn't right for you so leave DH and find a man who isn't an angry pervert.

lazyarse123 · 01/10/2025 11:04

I wouldn't still be married. I have seen it a few times on here where people have done this sort of thing and then gone off with the other person so didn't work out quite so well for the person whose fantasy it was.
It's revolting.

Newbutoldfather · 01/10/2025 11:05

What is normal isn’t subjective and it does not vary! That isn’t the meaning of normal.

If the vast majority of married couples want fidelity and a 1-2-1 relationship, that is normal.

It’s not a value judgement, it is just a statement of fact.

And I think this really does come from porn. It never used to be a thing apart from for a tiny minority of people. And he has called it a ‘hot wife’ fantasy, a term directly lifted from porn.

Some marriages work as open marriages, but most don’t and many who want to ‘open’ a marriage end up being disappointed by the result.

Personally, I think the idea is crazy, especially if you have children. And, if you are pressured into it, it will end in disaster for sure.

SpaceRaccoon · 01/10/2025 11:05

I don't think it's normal, no. Fuck the "no judgement" stuff. Your husband is pornsick.

Bloozie · 01/10/2025 11:06

Normal for him to have this fantasy, normal for him to share it with you, normal for you to engage with it if you want to, either by sleeping with another man or by using it as a scenario for fantasy in the bedroom (pretending you're coming back, another man's cum dripping down your legs, dirty talk).

REALLY not normal for you to be going along with any of it, at any level, if you don't want to. Your husband is being extremely unreasonable. If none of this is your thing, he needs to stfu. Sending you lots of love.

Morit · 01/10/2025 11:06

I couldn't leave the relationship fast enough.

One of the reddest, flaggiest red flags - don't ignore what underpins his 'request.'

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 01/10/2025 11:08

God my friend could have written this post last year.

Get some gumption girl! Tell him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine and if he mentions it again it will be divorce. Personally, I'd go for the latter because he'd have given me the total ick and you will not hear the end of it, trust me.

Didntask · 01/10/2025 11:10

I wouldn't even dignify his request with an answer, just a divorce petition. Fucking gross.

BeenThereBackThen · 01/10/2025 11:10

OP, i suggest you suddenly develop a fantasy where DH is shagged by a man and pressure him to do that, come back and tell you all about it. Don’t forget to get angry if he doesn’t feel like it.

What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander, right?

YourLoyalPlumOP · 01/10/2025 11:11

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

My friends husband is like this

to be fair they have the most healthy marriage I’ve ever know !

works very well for Everyone involved.