Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH wants me to sleep with another man

298 replies

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

OP posts:
Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And yeah, no normal men anywhere want this. Freaks who want to drag everyone else into the gutter with them are in the tiny minority but they're forever shrieking and yelping about their grim, sordid fucked up lives, trying to convince normal people to be perverted weirdos too.

They'll try anything, normality shaming screaming weird slurs about being "vanilla" and DON'T JUDGE MEEEEE!!!!!

Of course we're judging them. They can fuck off with their perversions and keep them to themselves if they don't want normal people to judge them.

The vast, vast, vast majority of people want nothing to do with this. Leave him, do it now, take your kids right away from this freak.

Do you want this creepy bastard of a man around your kids? How will you feel when he tells them their mother is a skank who fucked other men - which he will do when you leave him or when he leaves you.

What if he tries to normalise this kind of coercive perversion to them when they are older? Imagine the sex talk - when a woman loves a man very much she lets him force her to let random men stick their dick in her so the man can get his rocks off.

It is only a matter of time now, your marriage is completely, totally and forever over. Leave now before he harms you any further.

And remember, Gisele Pelicot's husband - the porn addicted rapist - did EXACTLY what your husband is doing, he tried to talk her into letting random men stick their dicks in her. When she refused, he started drugging her and handing her over to random rapists.

Your husband is not safe, not normal and you need to go.

N0Tfunny · 01/10/2025 13:09

Bringitonicancope · 01/10/2025 10:47

Presumably when you took your marriage vows you both were agreeing to a monogamous relationship.

He now wants to change the goal posts.
And he shouldn't be doing that unilaterally. It's a fundamental change in your relationship that needs to be talked through and needs the willing consent of both parties

it sounds as though he is another porn addled man who wants to convert the stuff he has been watching into a real life porn movie with you as the star.

Unless it's what you really want OP then don't be pressured into doing it.

And if he continues to try and coerce you then you will know for certain he doesn't give a damn about you apart from you being his personal sex object.

Edited

This. He is 100% watching A LOT of porn.

thecatneuterer · 01/10/2025 13:09

defrazzled · 01/10/2025 13:08

@thecatneuterer a fantasy is imagined, this is a fetish - a paraphilia he is trying to manipulate her to engage in. They are NOT the same thing.

Either way. It's not at all uncommon. No one should feel pushed into anything of course though

LaughingCat · 01/10/2025 13:11

whataweekImhaving · 01/10/2025 12:38

Sorry, but gross and sad kind of sums it up for me too.

If you love your husband and he turns you on, why do you need to shag other men?

If your husband loves you and is attracted to you, why does he need to shag other women?

We don’t need to - we just enjoy it. When we take a break from it, we love that as well. Because we love each other, no-one else.

I’ve never understood monogamy - even as a really young child, I remember learning about bigamy and asking my dad why it was illegal (and my dad tying himself in knots trying to explain why monogamy was best 😂). I don’t expect monogamous people to understand non-monogamy either - they’re as apart as hetero or homosexuality and bisexuality. How can someone who is only attracted to one gender ever understand what it’s like to be attracted to more than one, to not have gender as a filter or factor in their choices?

But, much as I love the relationship that my other half and I have…I don’t think monogamous relationships are gross, sad or lesser than my own - they’re amazing as long as they’re based on respect and love. They’re just not for me. That others on this thread can’t afford us the same respect is quite sad.

toiletpaperthief · 01/10/2025 13:12

My BF and me both have a cuckhold fetish, watching him having sex with another woman turns me on and vice-versa, our sexual fantasies are quite aligned and we've been together 4 years. We get on great, but we're on the same page, very honest to each other and have good comunication. We're both hard working, pay our taxes and good people so I don't understand all this backlash for folk who practice alternative sexual lifestyles.

This said I don't think this would work if he was into cuckholding and I was into monogamy and not willing to entertain his fantasies. I would have probably dumped him a while ago. Your husband should have talked about his sexual fantasies before the marriage and not after, not fair on you and I totally understand you're royally pissed off.

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

godmum56 · 01/10/2025 13:13

caringcarer · 01/10/2025 10:47

This will likely destroy your marriage. Only sleep with another man if you don't value your marriage and want to have sex with the other man. In the future your DH will use this against you. Think of your poor kids.

this.

aCatCalledFawkes · 01/10/2025 13:15

Personally I get it's a thing. However it all feels a bit mixed up. He wants her have sex with an exFWB who she has had sex with previously who may also be getting cold feet or can't seem to commit to it. Who knows he might even have feelings for her or feelings about it being different now she's married. Her husband is then getting angry and pissed off about it and OP is getting cold feet about the whole thing. Sounds like car crash to me.

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

birling16 · 01/10/2025 13:17

Tell him about it? Like what? Urgh. No way.

MaryGreenhill · 01/10/2025 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well said @Duckduckagogo

NoSoupForU · 01/10/2025 13:17

Normal is such a broad spectrum. Cuckhold and hot wife isn't a particularly rare fantasy, though for most it remains fantasy.

If it is something you would also like to explore then you're aligned and there's no problem. If it isn't something that you enthusiastically want to try then don't venture down that path. Nobody has any right to pressure you to do something you aren't comfortable with.

ginasevern · 01/10/2025 13:18

No, it isn't normal and it is coercion. He wants to sleep with other women and I don't believe for one moment he isn't watching porn. He's a bully and a sleazebag and you and your children are worth more than this OP. Get out of this tainted relationship with your dignity, sanity and health intact whilst you can.

toiletpaperthief · 01/10/2025 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why does it bother you so much that not all women are into monogamy or might have different chosen lifestyles?

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’m not a freaky wierdo and i’m not looking for creepy responses, i’m just asking for advice, this is my first time posting here as i’m very upset about this situation and wanted others opinions.

OP posts:
birling16 · 01/10/2025 13:20

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 12:58

Thank you for all the reply’s, i’m thinking very carefully about what to do next, part of me wants to take the kids and just go somewhere far away from him

Listen to that part.

CharlotteFlax · 01/10/2025 13:20

No, it's not normal because you don't like it. Don't do this to yourself.

Member984815 · 01/10/2025 13:20

That's a fantasy for a reason in real life it would cause endless issues in the relationship. I put you are unreasonable for even entertaining this

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Snazzysausage · 01/10/2025 13:21

Good lord,just no.
If you're not both into this fantasy and you're this uneasy now imagine what you'll feel like if you do sleep with another man.The rot's already set in imo by him trying to pressure you into it.
There's a big difference between having a fantasy and actually acting on one. Especially when it's not yours.

QuayshhLawrain · 01/10/2025 13:21

There was a post on here, not too long ago, written by a woman whose partner had the same fantasy as your husband. When it actually happened, the husband became insanely jealous, and it irrevocably damaged the relationship, and they ended up splitting, really acrimoniously.

I wouldn't entertain this any further @Greentiger54, it won't end well.

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Anonymous23456 · 01/10/2025 13:25

You are not a tool for his sexual gratification. You have body autonomy and you decide who, where and when you have sex with someone. He doesn't have any right to offer you out to others or push / pressure you to do something you don't want to do.

I'm not adverse to open relationships. I'm actually very open to experimentation and non conventional relationships. However, both people need to be up for it and rules / boundaries need to be agreed. This isn't something you just throw into a marriage with kids without proper consideration. He might think it sounds sexy but you have no idea how he or you might feel emotionally after. This is potentially relationship ending. I think he's thinking about his own dick and titillation above you, his kids and his family.

In my mind, it's better to end the relationship with your integrity and self respect. Than to end it because you've done something you didn't want to do.

Conniebygaslight · 01/10/2025 13:25

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 12:58

Thank you for all the reply’s, i’m thinking very carefully about what to do next, part of me wants to take the kids and just go somewhere far away from him

Listen to this part of yourself. He clearly has no respect for you at all. You should not be made to feel like you're uptight or anything like that for not indulging his fantasies either. He sounds bloody awful.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 01/10/2025 13:26

In your own words you're very upset by this and want to get away from him
That is your answer
Good luck<3

Swipe left for the next trending thread