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Original poster

DH wants me to sleep with another man

298 replies

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

OP posts:
PraisebetoGod · 01/10/2025 11:44

The moment he seriously asked me of this would be the same moment I filed for divorce. This is not love. This is not respect. This is not something that can be come back from.

shortieshortie · 01/10/2025 11:47

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

It is not normal.

I can't understand why you think it is.

Do you genuinely think that most married couples have 3-somes?

How old are you?

Rightsraptor · 01/10/2025 11:48

You sound like you don't want to do it so don't. And men who think they want to enact this type of fantasy (and it is his fantasy) often regret it afterwards, and then you'll get the blame.

Lightswitchy · 01/10/2025 11:50

fantasy- noun (IMAGINED SITUATION)

you could calk his bluff say you done it and see what his response is

StrawberryGinger · 01/10/2025 11:50

There's only one really important question here: What do you actually want? Do you want to participate with this fantasy? You don't have to tell us the answer, but unless the answer is an enthusiastic yes you need to say no.

Icreatedausernameyippee · 01/10/2025 11:51

Your husband needs to lay off the porn. You're not a "hotwife fantasy" you're a real wife, real woman and real fucking human.
Marriage doesn't mean that you have to fulfil his sexual whims and having a healthy sex life doesn't mean it has to grow and branch out every year.
You haven't said that you explicitly want to have sex with another man. So don't do that. And don't permit your husband to put his penis in anyone else.
Go have a peek at the relationship forums on Reddit. Look at the ones specifically relating to 3ways and read how they destroy the majority of relationships they touch.

KateShugakIsALegend · 01/10/2025 11:52

What do you want?

How would he feel if you said you wanted him to sleep with another man, or somesuch?

Shellyash · 01/10/2025 11:53

ewwww... your mucky man sees you as a bit of meat for his own fantasies. threesome, foursome, mass orgy etc. If thats what you like go ahead but it will be the end of your relationship and you will feel grubby for ever.

Puzzledtoday · 01/10/2025 11:53

Leave it as a fantasy. Pretend you’ve had sex with the other man, tell him about it and say later that it never really happened. Unless he wants an excuse to have sex with other women?

montston · 01/10/2025 11:55

Vile. I would be divorcing.

PurpleChrayn · 01/10/2025 11:56

Mucky git. Tell him no.

Toutafait · 01/10/2025 11:57

It's hard to believe this is a genuine post. Who would accept this? Why would you stay with a man who asked this, let alone even consider doing what he asked? Madness.

flopsyuk · 01/10/2025 12:00

It sounds like he wants to push you into this as a way of getting into threesomes and more.

It needs to be talked through I think. One possibility is that he is gay but in denial. If you sleep with another man it's not a 'hot wife' fantasy to him but a proxy way of sleeping with a man.

If you were to agree it could lead to the threesomes and more which may involve the male involvement he is after.

If it is really a 'hot wife' fantasy then he has no respect for his marriage vows or for you as a woman to love and cherish and respect. The fantasy involves your willingness to debase yourself sexually in order to please him. He doesn't understand your sexual autonomy unless you have clearly stated that you share his interests.

If you don't have the same fantasy it should be easy to explain to him why you won't do it but for me it would need an explanation of why he thinks it is acceptable to even discuss this. By bringing it up he would have already crossed the line.

Thephantom · 01/10/2025 12:00

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/10/2025 10:41

Only do what you want and be aware of the possibility that he will use 'you had sex with another man and I didn't mind' to sleep with other women.

^ I think this is what his game plan is. He wants to sleep with other women.

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 01/10/2025 12:01

Lightswitchy · 01/10/2025 11:50

fantasy- noun (IMAGINED SITUATION)

you could calk his bluff say you done it and see what his response is

My friend did this and his response was to cry, get angry and call her a slag. After a few days he starting asking for dirty details for his wank bank and when she couldn't keep up the lie she told him she hadn't slept with anyone. His reaction to this? Shouting and calling her a liar, threatening to tell friends and family she had cheated.

So there was no winning. All of this after he'd been bullying her into doing it for months. These men are psychos, a threesome is rarely just a threesome and the Cuckhold fantasy is a can of worms!

BonfireNight1993 · 01/10/2025 12:02

It's quite a common fantasy, but often people don't realise how different the reality is from the fantasy, and I doubt he's really given any thought / planning to how this will impact him or change your marriage. If you're open minded then you could try talking about the fantasy while having sex with each other, or using a sex toy to simulate there being another man involved. I do understand why it's an exciting fantasy, but in my experience it's a fantasy which is best left that way, not realised.

89redballoons · 01/10/2025 12:02

The only important question here is if you want to sleep with another man.

If you don't, no WAY should you be doing something sexually that you don't want to do, just to indulge your husband's "hotwife fantasy". Yes, marriage can be about making sacrifices for the other person, but your own sexual boundaries are never something you should sacrifice.

If your husband knows you don't want to do it and is still pressuring you to, that suggests his fantasy involves you having sex that you don't really want to have. That is gross.

If you genuinely do want to have sex with your ex-FWB, then consider whether you want to do that as part of your husband's fantasy, or whether it's because you actually don't want to have sex with your husband.

But - "cold feet" and "feeling used and upset" suggest you don't want to do it. No, it's not normal to feel this way in a healthy and happy marriage.

toiletpaperthief · 01/10/2025 12:04

@Greentiger54 AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

Telling your partner to go and sleep with someone else is not "the norm", unless both people are into his specific fantasy and appeals to both, is this the case? Are you into this or just trying to please him in order not to rock the boat? Sounds like this is HIS fantasy and not yours. Why didn't he come up with all these group sex and cuckhold fantasies BEFORE the marriage and not after? Did he wanted you to be trapped with children and a mortgage before dropping the bomb?

He sounds selfish and manipulative. Your ex- FWB doesn't really want to be part of your husbands fantasies and I don't blame the guy.

Springtimehere · 01/10/2025 12:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lightswitchy · 01/10/2025 12:06

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 01/10/2025 12:01

My friend did this and his response was to cry, get angry and call her a slag. After a few days he starting asking for dirty details for his wank bank and when she couldn't keep up the lie she told him she hadn't slept with anyone. His reaction to this? Shouting and calling her a liar, threatening to tell friends and family she had cheated.

So there was no winning. All of this after he'd been bullying her into doing it for months. These men are psychos, a threesome is rarely just a threesome and the Cuckhold fantasy is a can of worms!

Show quote history

She kinda did win because she saw what he was really like and then can choose to get out of a toxic situation.
so it is in-keeping with the fantasy by pretending she done it, the person will show their true colours its ok to test when it comes down to your own boundaries and what your comfortable with.
in my eyes marriage is between two people and i would be concerned and upset if my husband wanted me to share myself with another person.

smallsilvercloud · 01/10/2025 12:06

Not normal, the relationship sounds toxic and degrading, controlling, even the fwb isn’t interested to involved in this mess by the sound of it. You don’t need to go along with his fantasies, why is his happiness above yours? I’d be ending this relationship.

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 01/10/2025 12:08

Lightswitchy · 01/10/2025 12:06

She kinda did win because she saw what he was really like and then can choose to get out of a toxic situation.
so it is in-keeping with the fantasy by pretending she done it, the person will show their true colours its ok to test when it comes down to your own boundaries and what your comfortable with.
in my eyes marriage is between two people and i would be concerned and upset if my husband wanted me to share myself with another person.

Show quote history

Fair point.

fastingforweightloss · 01/10/2025 12:10

No, this isn't normal. I don't know anyone who would like to do this. I would leave DH if he even suggested this, tbh.

Sadcafe · 01/10/2025 12:12

It’s your choice what is normal, it maybe normal for your partner, doesn’t automatically make it so for you, has to be what you both want not just one. Personally can’t think of anything I’d want DW to do less but again, that’s my normal

Change2banon · 01/10/2025 12:13

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:43

We spend every evening together so I don’t think he watches any porn and when he’s not at home he’s at work so he’s deffo not a porn addict

You’re in denial .. he definitely watches a lot of porn. This is not a normal situation within most married couples, definitely not something I could be part of .. but as others have said, it’s a but what you want and what makes you happy. Me personally, I’d be leaving him over his clear disregard for you, but that’s just me. I hope you work this out OP.