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Original poster

DH wants me to sleep with another man

298 replies

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

OP posts:
TheNewWasp · 01/10/2025 12:17

It is blatantly obvious what he is doing. He just wants to have the perfect excuse for him to have sex with other women, if he has not already.
For him, it feels like having the free pass to do whatever he wants because after all, "you did it. too"

scatterolight · 01/10/2025 12:19

Please don't do this. Your DH has got porn brain. No doubt watching cuckhold stuff. You will destroy your family if you do this and ruin your kids lives. Tell your DH to stop watching porn and sort himself out.

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 12:19

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:43

We spend every evening together so I don’t think he watches any porn and when he’s not at home he’s at work so he’s deffo not a porn addict

Oh he's definitely a porn sick weirdo. Definitely.

Anyway, I am sure you meant to write "My ex husband is a creepy weirdo who tried to talk me into letting another man stick his penis into me so he can get his rocks off. Obviously, I told him to fuck off forever, blocked him on every platform and have not spoken to him since. We only ever communicate on the parenting app, but I am fighting for full custody because he's a disgusting fucking freak and I don't want him messing up my kids".

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 01/10/2025 12:20

That would give me the massive ick, and I certainly wouldn't be going along with his request. If you really want to fulfil the fantasy he has though (without compromising yourself) then you could go out for a couple hours and do something completely different/shopping or whatever and then go home and make a story up about whatever it is you've been 'doing with another man'. I personally would just shut the whole thing down though, you're not there just to fulfil his every fantasy. Also if the other guy knows the circumstances then maybe he just feels a bit weird about it and doesn't really want to get involved?

darlingdaydreamer · 01/10/2025 12:24

I don't know your situation at all and can't say too much but I've recently sat on a court case as juror where this exact 'fantasy' took place, he pressured her into having sex with other men because that's how he got off, a couple of months down the line he couldn't have sex with her unless she'd just had sex with someone else- he used to get people from fab swingers to turn up at their house when ever he wanted and cried/shouted he'd tell everyone what she'd done if she didn't do it. I hope this isn't the case with you but please don't do anything you're uncomfortable with.

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 12:25

He’d find his bags packed if that were me. Some people are into that but I’m not and couldn’t be with someone who is. Total turn off not just the act but of the man who is supposed to love me. Total on the spot deal breaker.

LaughingCat · 01/10/2025 12:25

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

Ok, first of all, as someone in a healthy, open relationship exactly like this - you need to talk to him more.

Communication is not just a plus, it’s absolutely essential to ensure that you’re both getting what you need out of it and to avoid hurting each other. It‘s supposed to bring you closer together, not drive you apart or cause issues.

FYI - my DH and I are committed, adore each other, been together for 15 years, have had a mortgage for years and we’re finally starting our family. There have been ups and downs like any relationship but the strength of our love for each other isn’t in any doubt. He’s my absolute world and vice versa. And bloody hell, do we love schtupping other folk too 😆

Here are my tips for making something like this work and general knowledge around the dynamic to help you make a choice:

  1. You both have to want it. This is non-negotiable. If he’s absolutely loving the idea of you sleeping with someone else but it doesn’t do anything for you, do NOT go along with it. You have to love the idea of sleeping with someone else and coming home to him, just as much as he does. It’s not about the guy you sleep with - sure, you can get along with them, but you enjoy that part precisely because you know how much your partner is going to love hearing every detail when you get back (and hoo-boy will you get ravished!). But if you’re monogamous and have no desire to sleep with other people? Do. Not. Do. It.
  2. Understand the dynamic. This is REALLY important. There are two main ones in this kink (there are others but they’re reasonably rare in my experience). A) Hotwife/cuck - this is humiliation-based. The guy gets off at the idea of his wife fucking other guys instead of him. He has to beg for scraps and do whatever she asks while she lords her bull (the male sexual partner) over him. Deffo not my thing but no kink-shaming here - lots of guys and gals love it and it requires a lot of checking in with each partner to ensure that they’re still comfortable and it’s not going too far. B) Stag/vixen - No humiliation, the guy usually gets off on showing off his wife, knowing she’s desirable to other men and enjoying a metric fuckton of pleasure from both him and others. More of a hedonistic dynamic (deffo our thing 😁). They’re both poles apart, as you can see. So, even if you’re into the idea and he is too…it could be in very different ways and that isn’t going to work either.
  3. Set the ground rules. Is it at the other person’s house, your place or hotels? In your marital bed or not? How well do you get to know the other person (I prefer to be friends with other partners, even though I don’t get the feels for them - my DH prefers to keep it at practically strangers). Does he want to watch, listen in over the phone, take part, or have you bring home photos? What are you comfortable with in those options? What are your red lines for both of you? It’s so easy to cross a line without realising it so hammer these out first and keep coming back to them - they can shift and your reactions might not be what you expect.
  4. You two come first. Always remember that you’re both doing this for each other. If at any point you feel like your main focus isn’t on you two as a couple in this, then stop and talk it through. Respect for each other is paramount.
  5. Do not catch the feels. At some point, you’re going to meet a guy who’s awesome, funny, great-looking, good in bed, very compatible with you and the intimacy will be a headfuck…keep checking in on yourself. Walk away if you think there’s even a chance you might catch the feels. That’s a betrayal and you (and your DP) are unlikely to forgive it. See point 4.
  6. Safety. How are you going to ensure safety in this? Where are you going to meet guys? Do you want them to know where you live? Highly recommend a couple of socials first if you don’t know them well - a drink somewhere neutral to see if there’s a spark and weed out the bad ones. Either both of you can go or you can meet yourself, if you feel confident to (I prefer the latter but I’m 6ft with a cracking left hook). What name do you give them? (I use a pseudonym and many people just know me by that instead!). I give my DH their face photo, mobile number, access to all of our messages and I share my location with him 24/7. I also call him to let him know when I’ve got to the hotel (we don’t shit where we sleep - no-one from our workplaces, friendship group, hometown or surrounding area - drama potential is too high). If the guy ends up wanting things you’re not willing to do, what’s your game plan?
  7. Keep talking to each other. We debrief after every session. What went well, what didn’t, was there anything that made either of us uncomfortable, do we want me to see them again…this is hella important. Also, the longer term checkins - are we still into it, is it still giving us what we want, are our tastes or needs changing and how do we feel about that. This is fun, sexy and serious all at the same time. Think of it like a lessons learned session for your sex life 😁. When the pandemic hit, obviously everything stopped for us two and we refocused on just each other for a couple of years - I didn’t have any appetite to go back to it after so we mutually agreed to take a break and then, again, when that shifted back to wanting to, we both agreed to restart again. Now we’re having a child, we’ve obviously stopped again and will keep talking as time goes on to see if it’s something we both want to pick back up in future. Just keep talking.

There’s loads more but I’ve already written an essay so I’ll stop here. Don’t just dive headlong into this - it’s glorious, fulfilling and has brought my DH and I closer together than I thought possible…but it also has a lot of pitfalls and can destroy relationships if you’re not both on the same page. Good luck!

Happyjoe · 01/10/2025 12:27

I found out when my mum died that dad had done the same thing to my mum, he fancied the wife of one of his work colleagues and wanted them to wife swap. Dad told me it all (he wasn't a very nice man). Apparently she did it reluctantly and it was almost some sort of test by my dad, because dad said to me that he knew she was a 'keeper' because she did that for him. Despite already being married with 4 kids!!
I honestly think it destructive, a power play too. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you're doing it for you not your husband and please please don't let him bully you. Massive red flag.

CharlieKirkRIP · 01/10/2025 12:27

When the relationship changes so that you are no longer enough for each other then it’s downhill all the way.

He isn’t sexually fulfilled by having just you to turn him on, he now needs other people.

Human nature is filled with jealousy and resentment and respect and trust are lost when you feel insecure and you will feel secure if you allow this to happen.

CommonPuffball · 01/10/2025 12:28

LaughingCat · 01/10/2025 12:25

Ok, first of all, as someone in a healthy, open relationship exactly like this - you need to talk to him more.

Communication is not just a plus, it’s absolutely essential to ensure that you’re both getting what you need out of it and to avoid hurting each other. It‘s supposed to bring you closer together, not drive you apart or cause issues.

FYI - my DH and I are committed, adore each other, been together for 15 years, have had a mortgage for years and we’re finally starting our family. There have been ups and downs like any relationship but the strength of our love for each other isn’t in any doubt. He’s my absolute world and vice versa. And bloody hell, do we love schtupping other folk too 😆

Here are my tips for making something like this work and general knowledge around the dynamic to help you make a choice:

  1. You both have to want it. This is non-negotiable. If he’s absolutely loving the idea of you sleeping with someone else but it doesn’t do anything for you, do NOT go along with it. You have to love the idea of sleeping with someone else and coming home to him, just as much as he does. It’s not about the guy you sleep with - sure, you can get along with them, but you enjoy that part precisely because you know how much your partner is going to love hearing every detail when you get back (and hoo-boy will you get ravished!). But if you’re monogamous and have no desire to sleep with other people? Do. Not. Do. It.
  2. Understand the dynamic. This is REALLY important. There are two main ones in this kink (there are others but they’re reasonably rare in my experience). A) Hotwife/cuck - this is humiliation-based. The guy gets off at the idea of his wife fucking other guys instead of him. He has to beg for scraps and do whatever she asks while she lords her bull (the male sexual partner) over him. Deffo not my thing but no kink-shaming here - lots of guys and gals love it and it requires a lot of checking in with each partner to ensure that they’re still comfortable and it’s not going too far. B) Stag/vixen - No humiliation, the guy usually gets off on showing off his wife, knowing she’s desirable to other men and enjoying a metric fuckton of pleasure from both him and others. More of a hedonistic dynamic (deffo our thing 😁). They’re both poles apart, as you can see. So, even if you’re into the idea and he is too…it could be in very different ways and that isn’t going to work either.
  3. Set the ground rules. Is it at the other person’s house, your place or hotels? In your marital bed or not? How well do you get to know the other person (I prefer to be friends with other partners, even though I don’t get the feels for them - my DH prefers to keep it at practically strangers). Does he want to watch, listen in over the phone, take part, or have you bring home photos? What are you comfortable with in those options? What are your red lines for both of you? It’s so easy to cross a line without realising it so hammer these out first and keep coming back to them - they can shift and your reactions might not be what you expect.
  4. You two come first. Always remember that you’re both doing this for each other. If at any point you feel like your main focus isn’t on you two as a couple in this, then stop and talk it through. Respect for each other is paramount.
  5. Do not catch the feels. At some point, you’re going to meet a guy who’s awesome, funny, great-looking, good in bed, very compatible with you and the intimacy will be a headfuck…keep checking in on yourself. Walk away if you think there’s even a chance you might catch the feels. That’s a betrayal and you (and your DP) are unlikely to forgive it. See point 4.
  6. Safety. How are you going to ensure safety in this? Where are you going to meet guys? Do you want them to know where you live? Highly recommend a couple of socials first if you don’t know them well - a drink somewhere neutral to see if there’s a spark and weed out the bad ones. Either both of you can go or you can meet yourself, if you feel confident to (I prefer the latter but I’m 6ft with a cracking left hook). What name do you give them? (I use a pseudonym and many people just know me by that instead!). I give my DH their face photo, mobile number, access to all of our messages and I share my location with him 24/7. I also call him to let him know when I’ve got to the hotel (we don’t shit where we sleep - no-one from our workplaces, friendship group, hometown or surrounding area - drama potential is too high). If the guy ends up wanting things you’re not willing to do, what’s your game plan?
  7. Keep talking to each other. We debrief after every session. What went well, what didn’t, was there anything that made either of us uncomfortable, do we want me to see them again…this is hella important. Also, the longer term checkins - are we still into it, is it still giving us what we want, are our tastes or needs changing and how do we feel about that. This is fun, sexy and serious all at the same time. Think of it like a lessons learned session for your sex life 😁. When the pandemic hit, obviously everything stopped for us two and we refocused on just each other for a couple of years - I didn’t have any appetite to go back to it after so we mutually agreed to take a break and then, again, when that shifted back to wanting to, we both agreed to restart again. Now we’re having a child, we’ve obviously stopped again and will keep talking as time goes on to see if it’s something we both want to pick back up in future. Just keep talking.

There’s loads more but I’ve already written an essay so I’ll stop here. Don’t just dive headlong into this - it’s glorious, fulfilling and has brought my DH and I closer together than I thought possible…but it also has a lot of pitfalls and can destroy relationships if you’re not both on the same page. Good luck!

Show quote history

Gross and sad

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 12:28

PraisebetoGod · 01/10/2025 11:44

The moment he seriously asked me of this would be the same moment I filed for divorce. This is not love. This is not respect. This is not something that can be come back from.

Totally. Relationship would be stone cold dead from that moment.

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 12:29

CommonPuffball · 01/10/2025 12:28

Gross and sad

Show quote history

If that’s what it takes to bring a married couple closer together then no thank you. Takes all sorts I suppose.

prh47bridge · 01/10/2025 12:29

Every relationship is different. Some people would be happy with this. There used to be a regular poster on here who was very clear that she was in polyamorous relationships. That wouldn't work for me at all. It is clear that it wouldn't work for many of those responding on this thread either.

You are not being unreasonable. If you aren't happy with it, don't do it and don't let your husband pressure you into it.

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 12:31

CharlieKirkRIP · 01/10/2025 12:27

When the relationship changes so that you are no longer enough for each other then it’s downhill all the way.

He isn’t sexually fulfilled by having just you to turn him on, he now needs other people.

Human nature is filled with jealousy and resentment and respect and trust are lost when you feel insecure and you will feel secure if you allow this to happen.

I hope you meant to say insecure!

Owly11 · 01/10/2025 12:34

Urgh sounds gross. If you don’t want to do it then don’t. Your dh sounds like a dick - getting angry about it is just awful.

3luckystars · 01/10/2025 12:34

There is a big thread in the sex section here about this very thing, it’s a good read. A lot of these things sound good for fun but the reality is seedy.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 01/10/2025 12:36

If you’re not into it then it should be an automatic no. The fact that he’s even pestering you and pressing for this to happen is a massive red flag and frankly borderline abusive.

Run for the hills.

Blueblell · 01/10/2025 12:36

You will regret it and it will probably end the relationship in the future even though it is your husbands idea.

LaughingCat · 01/10/2025 12:37

CommonPuffball · 01/10/2025 12:28

Gross and sad

Show quote history

laughs Says the person who has no knowledge of the depth and richness of our relationship. It’s not for you, and that’s ok. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong or ‘sad’. That’s the joy of the human experience.

jay55 · 01/10/2025 12:37

It just feels like a trap, you don’t do it, then you’re not making his dreams come true and he uses that against you.
You do it and decides it’s cheating and uses that as the stick forever instead.

LeedsLoiner · 01/10/2025 12:37

The best answer is "certainly when can your brother/dad come around ?"

whataweekImhaving · 01/10/2025 12:38

LaughingCat · 01/10/2025 12:37

laughs Says the person who has no knowledge of the depth and richness of our relationship. It’s not for you, and that’s ok. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong or ‘sad’. That’s the joy of the human experience.

Show quote history

Sorry, but gross and sad kind of sums it up for me too.

If you love your husband and he turns you on, why do you need to shag other men?

If your husband loves you and is attracted to you, why does he need to shag other women?

londoner781 · 01/10/2025 12:39

This is possibly one of the weirdest threads I’ve read!

Jk987 · 01/10/2025 12:40

onyourway · 01/10/2025 10:41

Probably best to keep this as a fantasy! Not sure he’s thought it through

😂 exactly this!

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 12:41

CommonPuffball · 01/10/2025 12:28

Gross and sad

Show quote history

100 percent correct.