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Original poster

DH wants me to sleep with another man

298 replies

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

OP posts:
NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 01/10/2025 11:31

Just because it’s his fantasy doesn’t mean you have to oblige.
You’re clearly not comfortable with it so tell him it will never happen and he’d better get used to it and never again try to pressure you into something you’re not keen on.

BlueandPinkSwan · 01/10/2025 11:32

I'm very broad minded but what a dirty scrote your h really is! He 'lets you sleep' with another man so he can wank himself stupid over the gory details -Bleugh.
Then one of two things will happen, he'll have an excuse to shag someone else [if not already doing so] because you shagged someone.
OR
It will be a stick to beat you with at every chance because he now thinks you are a dirty slag going elsewhere he will 'forget' that he encouraged you to do so.
He really is disgusting, he obviously doesn't think much of you to encourage this.
What happens if your kids got to hear about it ? God it doesn't bear thinking about...

poshfrock · 01/10/2025 11:32

OP you might want to consider having this moved to the Sex board where you ( and your husband) are likely to receive less judgement and more considered responses.

A lot of people are commenting "I wouldn't do it" which is fine but not helpful as the only person being asked to do anything is the OP.

Hotwifing is not "disgusting ", it is a kink like BDSM is a kink. Personally BDSM does nothing for me but I wouldn't presume to judge others who enjoy it as part of their sexual portfolio.

If you do decide to go ahead then you need to consider the following:

  1. As with any sexual activity all 3 parties must consent and consent can be withdrawn by any party at any time.
  2. STI checks are mandatory
  3. Is pregnancy possible, if so what would you do?
  4. Does your husband want to watch in person or are the activities going to be videoed / photographed? If so who has ownership and control of the media.
  5. What happens if the sex is better with the new man than with your husband? How will you both deal with that ?
6.How would you find a willing partner ? There are websites who specialise in this and men who understand the role they are being asked to play. A former FWB is probably not a good idea unless they are explicitly interested in the hotwife kink.

Also considet that, your husband may like the idea of you having sex with another man but the reality is often very different. You could test the water by you both going out to a bar or similar and he watches from afar whilst other men chat you up. See how he feels about that. It might be sufficient that he sees other men finding you desirable without actually having sex. For some men this is enough and he may well have a change of heart.

The key is open and honest communication.

And for those of you saying " What about your children?" , well I don't discuss my sexual proclivities with mine so they wouldn't know. If your children know the details of your sexual activities then I think you're the weird ones.

Horsie · 01/10/2025 11:32

StandFirm · 01/10/2025 11:31

OP, I don't want to sound sanctimonious but your body isn't a toy for your husband to remote control.

Edited

I give this a million upvotes if I could.

OnlyCosy · 01/10/2025 11:34

Gosh, glad I have a boring life with a husband who doesn't want me out shagging randomers. This is not a sign of a normal, healthy marriage that children are relying on. He is gross.

femfemlicious · 01/10/2025 11:35

What on earth😨. Just say no. Don't do it.

pontipinemum · 01/10/2025 11:35

It doesn't sound like you want to do it, so don't.

I know people say 'what is normal/ there is no normal' but there is normal and this isn't normal. I'm not saying it is wrong once all people are fully on board but it's not normal for a husband to want his wife to have sex with another man

BluntPlumHam · 01/10/2025 11:36

ERthree · 01/10/2025 10:52

Are you so desperate to please your husband that you will sleep with other men ? What happens when your pig of a husband moves that fantasy on, maybe wants you to sleep with 2 men at the same time, or maybe watch as some bloke beats you as he has rapes you, are you going along with just to keep your husband ? Where are your boundries, where is your self respect ?

This. Other posters suggesting it’s ‘kinky’ or a fantasy etc are seriously downplaying the psychological harm this can have and potential physical. You say you have children. Isn’t it viral that you are both healthy mentally and physically for their sake? So why on earth would you contemplate doing something as messy potentially destructive as this? I think you need to have a long hard think about your future with this man.

gmgnts · 01/10/2025 11:36

Don't be pressurised into doing something sexual that you don't want (and this is a very major thing, it's not like letting him suck your toes or wearing a maid's outfit); that would be coercive control and sexual abuse.

Catsknowbest · 01/10/2025 11:37

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/10/2025 10:41

Only do what you want and be aware of the possibility that he will use 'you had sex with another man and I didn't mind' to sleep with other women.

Bingo.

BirdShedRevisited · 01/10/2025 11:38

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:43

We spend every evening together so I don’t think he watches any porn and when he’s not at home he’s at work so he’s deffo not a porn addict

Almost every man I have worked for and with has accessed porn at work.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/10/2025 11:39

Do you actually have any interest in doing this @Greentiger54 ?

If not, don't.

Cards on the table, I'm male, and I have the same fantasy, of watching DP with someone else.

We had a conversation about various fantasies once, about 5 years into our relationship. DP was very much not into the idea of sleeping with someone else, and so I've never brought it up again, because I have absolutely no desire to do something she's not interested in solely for my benefit.

From your post, I get the impression that you're feeling pressured by your husband to do this. That's really not on, and if so, I'd shut him down right now.

AngelinaFibres · 01/10/2025 11:39

Wishitsnows · 01/10/2025 10:47

Once you have done this what will be his next request to fulfill his fantasy. He may well also use this against you if you go through with it that you cheated

All of this. Plus if you get pregnant what happens then

applespeck · 01/10/2025 11:40

The massive huge glaring reasons in your post not to do this are:

  1. 'You keep getting cold feet', that means you don't really want to do this.

  2. Your H is getting angry about this not happening. I mean WTF. This fantasy ir all about him and control. This cuckhold fantasies and submissive men fantasies are not really about women being in control as they are all about what the man wants, and what he is getting out of it.

  3. I would not do this. Finally, though not last in terms of priorities, is the fact that another human being is being used as part of your couple sex life. Its a pretty gross way to treat someone else.

blackpooolrock · 01/10/2025 11:41

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:43

We spend every evening together so I don’t think he watches any porn and when he’s not at home he’s at work so he’s deffo not a porn addict

I think you are absolutely deluded and completely out of touch with reality.

ChristmasTreasure · 01/10/2025 11:41

Dummydimmer · 01/10/2025 10:48

What is normal is subjective. I would wonder if your husband may be gay,or inclined. He wants to hear about you having sex with another man . You could advise him that reality and fantasy are different,if he doesn't know.

I doubt it’s a gay thing, it’s about seeing your wife being desired by other men (or husband).

I disagree with posters who say it’s not ‘normal’ BUT it is probably a bad idea to go down that route for the reasons others have said.

Jealously from him; pushing for threesomes, him feeling owed to have an open relationship moving forward. And most importantly, yoi aren’t really into it, OP.

You’re married with children so going down this route is a massive deal. It needs to stay as his fantasy.

Candyflosies · 01/10/2025 11:41

If my husband said this to me id be having a divorce no faffing.
He would be out on his head I'll get over him in time.
Its not love if he want you to sleep with others just so he can do it to.
Thank god im single.

numbandexhausted · 01/10/2025 11:41

An arrangement like can be okay if you’re both up for it. You’re clearly not and he shouldn’t be pressuring you otherwise. The issue here isn’t wanting to open up the relationship in itself, I’m a big believer in whatever works for your relationship and recognise that not everyone is the same. What is wrong is the fact that 50% of the party doesn’t really want to but feels they have to to keep the other party placated.

CommonPuffball · 01/10/2025 11:42

Greentiger54 · 01/10/2025 10:38

We’ve been married for 4 years now and have been happy together and have children. Recently DH has been talking about threesomes and foursomes and talking a lot about a fantasy of me having sex with another man and coming back, having sex with him and telling him all about it.

DH says it’s a ‘hotwife’ fantasy. He encouraged me to message a man I used to be fwb with, the guy seemed keen at first to meet but has messed me around the last few days, arranging to meet and them coming up with an excuse why he can’t. I keep getting cold feet about the whole thing and DH is now angry that he’s messed me around and is really pissed off. I now feel used and upset.

AIBU to feel like this or is it normal in a relationship?

He's been spending too much time on certain websites. Gross. Awful. I'd rather be single than be with someone like that. Poor children.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2025 11:42

The fact that you would do this even though it isn’t what you want, is indicative of a deeply deeply unhealthy unbalanced marriage.
it’s simple.
is this a fantasy of your too? If yes, explore.
if no, ‘no thanks Tom, not for me’ end. Of, story.
the fact that he got angry at you saying no, and you have to come to the internet to check if you’re allowed to say no, is deeply worrying.
end this relationship. Without a shadow of a doubt. This is not a good man, nor a happy marriage regardless of what you tell yourself.
it’s fine to have fantasies, it is abhorrent to be angry when the person who doesn’t want to be involved says no.

BirdShedRevisited · 01/10/2025 11:43

AngelinaFibres · 01/10/2025 11:39

All of this. Plus if you get pregnant what happens then

Show quote history

Or infected.

I might be old fashioned but if DH had said this to me, I would see it as an invite to divorce, depending on what I (and he) said in the vows.

Four years in, I would be hellishly disappointed and gone, questioning him on why he decided to marry as I went out the door.

Horses7 · 01/10/2025 11:43

Yikes - this could open a can or worms in your relationship (then will he want similar with another woman??) plus you don’t sound convinced, plus your husband sounds very controlling.

applespeck · 01/10/2025 11:44

StandFirm · 01/10/2025 11:31

OP, I don't want to sound sanctimonious but your body isn't a toy for your husband to remote control.

Edited

Absolutely this.

And nor is the man's body who is also being used as the request of your husband.

Minnie798 · 01/10/2025 11:44

Very common fantasy. We should be able to share fantasies with our partners/ spouse ( I believe).
Whether it's acted upon is entirely up to you and how you feel. Random internet opinions are meaningless.

MaurineWayBack · 01/10/2025 11:44

The issue here is that you’re going into something (you sleeping with someone else), not for yourself but for your dh pleasure/fantaisie.
Youre not doing it for yourself but you’re carrying all the work (contacting another man, dealing with logistics etc….) AND dealing with your DH disappointment’ on the top of it.

So yes you’re being used 😢😢

Tbh your FWB is doing you a huge favour here.
You need a chat with your dh about it. It’s not ok fur him to ask you to do stuff just for his own pleasure and with little regard to your pleasure/how comfortable you are etc…. At the very least, he should have made your well-being the centre if his request. He didn’t.
But also you should never have agreed to it in the first place if you weren’t 1000% ok with it. Like it is for ANY sexual fantaisie/request.

First step is to stop it all. You’re not comfortable about it. It’s not happening.
Then, I feel There’s a lot if thinking for you to do. Both on why you agreed to it in the first place if you weren’t quite convinced by the idea and around your dh and his attitude towards you. Counselling for YOURSELF is a good first step imo.