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Original poster

Partner does not know I know he didn't stay home last night

516 replies

Goldleafsand · 30/09/2025 09:46

My partner went out with friends for food and drinks last night
He msg me at 11pm saying he would be getting a taxi home soon , just having one last beer which is all fine by me of course.
We both msg goodnight and I love you to each other as I had an early start this morning
All was really good between us
I said I'd hoped he had a lovely evening with friends and he said he was looking forward to seeing me on Wednesday.

This morning my work colleague rang me and said her car wouldn't start and would I mind picking her up on the way to work , I agreed , it's absolutely no problem for me & didnt put me out of my way at all

She lives on the same cul de sac as my partner and you have to drive past his to get to hers.
As I glanced at his house I noticed every curtain was open including the bedroom ones. He also hadn't put his bin out , it's bin day
I know his house if that makes sense and it was clear he had not been home.
This was 7. 30 am , he is on annual leave , he was planning a lay in this morning , he was out with mates drinking I know him well he would no way be up that early
Anyway this surprised me a bit as he hadn't said he was staying out , however i understand things can cahnge on a night out drinking and all that and maybe he stayed at a friend's house ? Stayed for a few more drinks , who knows 🤷‍♀️

He is free to do how he pleases
However I have not heard from his at all today.
No goodmorning txts which is unlike him, even if he had been out drinking the night before he would always msg in the morning.

I am not going to say I know he didn't stay at home , I am going to sit back and watch and see if he is honest about this as there would be no reason to lie to me
I am very laid back and we both have a good group of friends and social lives so I am in no way controlling or jealous type
But there's this awful gut feeling niggling away at me and it's like my instincts are telling me something just isn't right here
I am also worrying that he is actually ok
But I don't want to bombard him with msgs either
So I'm giving it some time to see how this pans out throughout the day.
Why do I have this awful gut feeling? Is it anxiety or intuition?

OP posts:
MotherMary14 · 30/09/2025 16:45

Calliopespa · 30/09/2025 16:21

Well I'm clearly not chilled.

He hasn't made contact as usual.
He hasn't responded to attempted contact.
His curtains were open and he clearly wasn't at his home. - and hadn't been.
His phone rang out.

At this point op I'd be relieved if he were having an affair.

At what point does one report someone missing?

Agreed! Even if OP hadn't been past his house this morning and seen the curtains open, she has every reason to be concerned that he hasn't texted her as normal, or picked up his phone when she's called.

I hope it turns out to be something innocent and non-alarming like he's lost his phone and can't remember her number off by heart to contact her.

Butteredradish3 · 30/09/2025 16:50

Don’t know why after all this time I still often get pretty shocked with how unkind replies can be. I get that not everyone has a relationship that requires knowing where that person is 24/7 or even requires daily contact but downs make the op a stalker or unhinged. At what point when contact is out of the norm do you feel it’s acceptable to worry? Clearly she isn’t some mad controlling partner, they don’t live together, she had no issues with him being out. Even if he had txt hours later saying oh I stayed at my pals coz I was wasted - wasn’t going to be a problem. It’s the not knowing if he is ok, under usually circumstances he would have been in contact long before now. Best case scenario is he has been a selfish twat and not realised how much worry he would cause and I’ll be in touch shortly. I feel this is a respect thing whether living together or not. Yeah go out with your friends and have fun but just a quick check in to say all is good isn’t too much to ask from a partner.

TottenhamCake · 30/09/2025 16:51

OP ignore all the stupid comments. I got similar responses to my thread a few years back, when my partner hadn't come home and not contacted me. I was crazy, unhinged, too attached etc - turns out he was arrested for drink driving. You know what is normal for your relationship and what is out of character, for me I knew the lack of contact was VERY abnormal.

I hope he makes contact soon and it is all a misunderstanding. It is a horrible feeling. I would be messaging friends and family by now x

TottenhamCake · 30/09/2025 16:54

proseccoprincess612 · 30/09/2025 16:19

Some people on this thread are just being bloody horrible, this poor lady is clearly concerned for her PARTNER, they are not in a casual situation, they are in a relationship. And people saying that she is behaving like a stalker, or that this man owes her no explanation etc as they don’t live together is extremely mean and uncalled for. She is quite clearly and rightfully worried about her other half. People can be in a monogamous committed relationship without having to live together, people are married and live separately - It just works for them and that’s fine! I don’t know why people think they can come on to an internet forum and pull people to shreds, is it because there is no way of being held to account for being unkind??
And yes, before anyone says I am aware of how the internet works, I’m also aware of having an opinion and free speech, I just do not agree with some of the minority on here being quite outwardly unkind for no reason whatsoever. I do hope you hear from him soon if you haven’t already, you must honestly be worried out of your mind! 💛
I’ve had a situation with a previous partner two years ago and it turned out my partner lied to me about where he was and had actually gone out on the town, but said he was at home in bed - The next day when I tried to contact him, I couldn’t get hold of him for nearly 12 hours, and he was due to be at mine for 3pm as we were going on holiday. When he eventually turned up at my house later that evening, he lied and said he had left his phone in a clothes shop in the town centre and had to retrace his steps, which I found very odd but I took at face value, as I had nothing to prove otherwise. 4 months later I discovered he had obviously been on a night out and he had actually been arrested in a club in the city centre for intimidating a witness, and I only discovered this as I found the bail sheet in his coat pocket as he asked me to wash his coat and hang it up for when we were back. So the whole early night at home in bed was a complete lie which there was no reason for as he was never restricted in anything he did we lived in complete different counties! Not saying this is the case with your partner at all OP, but there are some very strange people out there 💛

Even when people are living together, some mumsnetters expect us to be completely unbothered by our partners staying out all night with no contact, despite the fact it's massively out of character.

Horsie · 30/09/2025 16:59

Northernandproud89 · 30/09/2025 16:05

Heart yes. But how is her health at stake? 🫤

Show quote history

Well, if he's sleeping around, he could give her STDs, couldn't he?

Helen1625 · 30/09/2025 17:00

Hoping you've heard from him by now. All seems very strange on his part. I wonder why he wouldn't just drop you a quick text, he surely must realise you'd be worried by now.

DaringlyDizzy · 30/09/2025 17:00

Have you heard from him yet?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/09/2025 17:01

I hope you've heard from him by now

Hollyberryred · 30/09/2025 17:13

TottenhamCake · 30/09/2025 16:54

Even when people are living together, some mumsnetters expect us to be completely unbothered by our partners staying out all night with no contact, despite the fact it's massively out of character.

Show quote history

It's any opportunity to criticise on here and precisely the reason many people would choose not to post anything. Such a shame as there are also some genuinely supportive Mumsnetters.

Goditsmemargaret · 30/09/2025 17:13

I hope he's ok OP. I'd be worried too. It's out of character as you said.

Assuming he's ok, just ask him how his night ended up. If he lies then you know something is wrong.

I really hope not, it sounds like you have a great thing going. Fingers crossed he messages, says last night ended up a bit nuts back at an after party and he's just woken up at a mate's house.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/09/2025 17:17

I understand your worry @Goldleafsand My husband's friend put him in a taxi home one night, DH was very drunk (because he'd mixed his drinks which he can't handle), his friend had paid the taxi driver cash to take DH home.

He didn't arrive back. I called his friend, he explained the above. Finally, my DH answered the phone, drunk and disorientated, he had no idea where he was.

Turns out, the taxi driver had beaten him and dumped him unconscious somewhere random, in the opposite direction to where we live.

It was such a worry. You're absolutely not being "stalkerish" or "unhinged" like some are suggesting.

I really hope he gets in touch with you soon. I'd be tempted to text him again around 6pm, "Will you please let me know if you're ok? Getting a little worried".

rainbowsinheaven · 30/09/2025 17:18

Have you heard anything yet OP?

Hollietree · 30/09/2025 17:31

I don’t think you are overreacting at all. If you are usually in contact through the day by phone/text and this is totally out of normal behaviour……. then of course your gut is telling you something is worrying.

Swing by his house after work and hopefully he’ll be there with a funny story about getting drunk, losing his phone, sleeping off a hangover at a mates house 🙏🏼

If he’s not there and still isn’t answering his phone then I would absolutely try to speak to his friends/family to see if anyone knows where he is and make sure that he is ok. Hoping for the best for you x

AnotherNaCha · 30/09/2025 17:33

Hanging out for an update!

I’d go knock at his door and say I was worried. Seems a normal thing to do seeing you’ve noticed the curtains open, phone ringing out etc

carmak · 30/09/2025 17:38

TottenhamCake · 30/09/2025 16:51

OP ignore all the stupid comments. I got similar responses to my thread a few years back, when my partner hadn't come home and not contacted me. I was crazy, unhinged, too attached etc - turns out he was arrested for drink driving. You know what is normal for your relationship and what is out of character, for me I knew the lack of contact was VERY abnormal.

I hope he makes contact soon and it is all a misunderstanding. It is a horrible feeling. I would be messaging friends and family by now x

I remember your thread. I also remember a thread where the missing man was actually in hospital......

Kate8889 · 30/09/2025 17:39

Hope all is ok OP!

thereneverwasacloudyday · 30/09/2025 17:46

Sorry, OP. Hope he just drank a bit too much and crashed at a friend's.

Wheech · 30/09/2025 17:48

TottenhamCake · 30/09/2025 16:51

OP ignore all the stupid comments. I got similar responses to my thread a few years back, when my partner hadn't come home and not contacted me. I was crazy, unhinged, too attached etc - turns out he was arrested for drink driving. You know what is normal for your relationship and what is out of character, for me I knew the lack of contact was VERY abnormal.

I hope he makes contact soon and it is all a misunderstanding. It is a horrible feeling. I would be messaging friends and family by now x

I was thinking of your thread as I read this one!

OP another here who thinks it's nuts to describe anyone as unhinged or a stalker for being concerned in this situation. Theres nothing wrong with not blindly trusting someone when they appear not to have done what they said, and nothing wrong with becoming concerned later when the person still isn't contactable. I hope you've heard from him now and that all is ok.

Northernandproud89 · 30/09/2025 17:48

Horsie · 30/09/2025 16:59

Well, if he's sleeping around, he could give her STDs, couldn't he?

Show quote history

This gets thrown about way too much on here 🙄 Even so, STDs are easily treatable and not life threatening

Omgblueskys · 30/09/2025 17:48

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/09/2025 17:17

I understand your worry @Goldleafsand My husband's friend put him in a taxi home one night, DH was very drunk (because he'd mixed his drinks which he can't handle), his friend had paid the taxi driver cash to take DH home.

He didn't arrive back. I called his friend, he explained the above. Finally, my DH answered the phone, drunk and disorientated, he had no idea where he was.

Turns out, the taxi driver had beaten him and dumped him unconscious somewhere random, in the opposite direction to where we live.

It was such a worry. You're absolutely not being "stalkerish" or "unhinged" like some are suggesting.

I really hope he gets in touch with you soon. I'd be tempted to text him again around 6pm, "Will you please let me know if you're ok? Getting a little worried".

Oh lord this is the worry now, how times have changed,

Tuesdayschild50 · 30/09/2025 17:57

Awww I'd be worried If this is completely out of character.
Maybe contact a friend of his if you haven't heard anything by lunchtime x

Kate8889 · 30/09/2025 17:57

Northernandproud89 · 30/09/2025 17:48

This gets thrown about way too much on here 🙄 Even so, STDs are easily treatable and not life threatening

Show quote history

There are many that aren't as easily treatable... HPV can cause uterine/cervical cancer, HIV is a lifelong disease

NessShaness · 30/09/2025 18:00

Northernandproud89 · 30/09/2025 17:48

This gets thrown about way too much on here 🙄 Even so, STDs are easily treatable and not life threatening

Show quote history

Oh, that’s ok then!

Clarabell77 · 30/09/2025 18:02

I’d be worried too as it seems out of character. Hope all is well.

fedup078 · 30/09/2025 18:04

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/09/2025 17:17

I understand your worry @Goldleafsand My husband's friend put him in a taxi home one night, DH was very drunk (because he'd mixed his drinks which he can't handle), his friend had paid the taxi driver cash to take DH home.

He didn't arrive back. I called his friend, he explained the above. Finally, my DH answered the phone, drunk and disorientated, he had no idea where he was.

Turns out, the taxi driver had beaten him and dumped him unconscious somewhere random, in the opposite direction to where we live.

It was such a worry. You're absolutely not being "stalkerish" or "unhinged" like some are suggesting.

I really hope he gets in touch with you soon. I'd be tempted to text him again around 6pm, "Will you please let me know if you're ok? Getting a little worried".

Similar happened to my alcoholic exh . His colleagues put him in a taxi at 11 and he didn’t get in til 1:30am . Should have been a 10 minute drive. Lacking all his belongings. Covered in blood and no recollection of what had happened .

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