Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

If you are not going to seperate OP, start adding more jobs to his day. Do it gradually, until you build up to where everyday he has a job that means he has to leave the sofa again, later in the day.
He has to start functioning - which he is capable of if he runs round for an hour doing his choice if jobs on a morning. Allocate the extra job once he has already finished his hour, and settled on the sofa.
Praise his efforts if he does the job.
Gradually increase to asking him to do 2 jobs - you get the picture.
If this doesn't work, I'd be seperating.
Average teens do not need a stay at home parent, but if they have one, they need one who sets a great example in terms of running a home and family.
Does he go out for the shopping?

He will buy snack and treats and walk to shop !

Sounds like the telly needs to mysteriously break overnight. See what he gets up to.

Why isn't your DH doing the school runs? In the afternoon. He needs to work part time.

He needs to either contribute financially by getting a job or he can bloody well do something useful at home. Why are you doing everything while he sits around doing fuck all and has the cheek to say you're lazy. He could easily take his kids to school do some housework cook tea while he doesn't have a job. If he isn't gonna change ask him to leave and he can take his sagging sofa with him while he's at it

This is quite close to home for me but explaining would be too outing. However, in the case close to me, I was told to think of someone who has had such a mental health crisis like someone who has had a serious accident and are now much less mobile than they were.

The reality is that they will never have the same abilities as they did before. They might find a home and work that can suit their limitations, but some people will be too limited to access things like work or be a responsible caregiver to children.

In our case, it is about the decisions the person has made which have increased the level of responsibility since crisis/diagnosis.

He is being incredibly selfish. You really need to think about what your life will be like when the children have moved out and it's just the two of you. That's if you last that long. Please give your head a wobble and leave.....

Slightly off topic @Hadenough91625 , do not have sex with him. He sounds awful.

I hold some religious views against divorce, but only some. This is not a husband, this is a man who has abandoned his family. I would be separating wether legally or illegally lol, sending him to mum, taking on a small property and not sure how realistic is this in your case, but if you wanted to know the answer of what others, even religious women think, that is the answer.

Ah, also living like this won't work for me because I have a child with needs who needs me and my job is part time, so the bigger financial deal and mortgage is on my husband's wage. So either ways, if my husband goes ill physically, this is another story, I don't accept mental health as an excuse in a man who does not have serious condition like proper neurogically induced mental issue, so with my Stalinist attitude , a man has to work and work hard. Sorry

I didn't say it was but he might need steering in the right direction, that is what a marriage is, in sickness and health and all that.

Have you told him how this makes you feel and that you're starting to resent him? Maybe some baby steps first to get him to a new way of living? He builds up his responsibilities day by day and reduces the time he spends on the couch. If a marriage is worth saving then you'll both fight for it. Good luck, sounds very difficult

What is he doing while he is on the sofa?

Is he watching tv, on his phone or napping??

Or just staring into space

Also can you not just sell the damn sofa?

Start divorce proceedings that savings he has is half yours, so tell him to use it to move out and then you can sell the house and split the proceedings.

I wouldn't do anything for him at all..

No shopping
Cooking
Cleaning
Washing his clothes

I don’t understand how they can encourage this, he might be mildly functional but there’s obviously something still going on with him, no healthy person wants to stay most of their life on the sofa.

The content of this post speaks volumes OP.

Get legal advice so you at least have some knowledge and power. Maybe see Christmas out and file in the NY.

He is taking the piss big style.

I would bet my house he will get off his fat duff and earn a wage when he's single.

Would you use this type of fatphobic language against a woman? Or are fat people with undesirable characters fair game when it comes to insulting their weight?

Was going to ask with him on it? But she'd be hard pressed to find a time he wasn't from the sounds of things

You were drowning financially, yet he has savings? It doesn’t matter how long he has had them, that money should have been used to finance his “lifestyle choice” I am so angry for you OP.

yes, you can sell and leave op. You are married, you get some equity, he gets some. Is he going to be homeless? Well, so? He will need to go back to his GP, get assessed, given a council flat, UC , PIP whatever. If you don't want to look after him given he does not need looking after, act.

Yes, pretty much. If someone has taken the piss to this degree in that he has put the weight on as a result of just checking out and leaving the sorting out of life to his poor unfortunate wife and his kids have lost respect for him to this degree, yes.

Then she will be spending all her money on rent as she won’t be able to get a mortgage on her wage

Ah so you can then just start saying what you want about their looks? Got it.

you don't need a large ??? home, just a home