Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Have you ever told him how his behaviour is making you feel? How this isn't the marriage you need, and he isn't the partner you see yourself with for life, and once the children are gone you will be too?

Because he can choose to sit on the sofa all day forever and that's a valid choice - but he needs to know you have choices too.

@ExcitementAhead101 you need to start a new thread (button at the top of this one). You’ll get more answers and more to the point, adapted to what’s going on for you wo distracting from the OP’s situation.

Aww op you must be overwhelmed with advice here, everyone's rooting for you and children,

I know lots of posts saying move out, but its not thst easy is it, financially you can't, friends or family have a big enough house to house you , no , you need to apply to housing associations, ( affordable rents ) so eventually when you can move you have a home along with your income and as you will manage, if your desperate there's shelter accommodation for dv, its grim but its got to be better than this, if the house goes on the market your h will have to look at his own accommodation situation, he can't just refuse op,

Please listen to advice here, I fear you will become his carer op then you won't go to work so you both don't be able to pay mortgage anyway, but being his op,
How has he not got bed sores op ,

If you decide to make a move and start a new single life -

Get a consultation with a solicitor and find out about rights and responsibilities in a divorce where there are assets and children.

Do not let your husband try to tell you what they are.

Yes - it looks like he has lost motivation until OP wrote 'He dictates to us all from the sofa. He makes all the financial decisions. He lords it over us and has the absolute nerve to tell me that I am lazy!!!!'

It is at this point I get the feeling he is taking advantage of the situation. Yes, he likes not working, this is not unusual. As OP was a SAHM before he came a sofa troll I am wondering if it is almost some revenge type behaviour for when he went to work. Not saying at all that a SAHM is doing nothing, far from it. It is a full time job with zero respite but he seems to be acting out his impression of what OP's life was like then. Almost like some long held resentment and he is just revelling in it.

OP says they are emeshed financially but have separate accounts and savings. I would not be putting up with this either - it just comes across as some sort of petty revenge treatment.

I would not be returning at lunchtime and for OP I think some form of exit strategy from this dead end of a marriage is the best way forward.

What mental illness did he have, and what medication is he taking? I am wondering if he was psychotic, and is displaying the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. Or whether he is on one of the sedating antipsychotic medications, which can cause weight gain and also sedation.

On the other hand, it could.be ongoing anxiety and depression and he hasn't actually recovered and is feeling less suicidal, therefore thinks he's happy because hes not challenging the anxiety.

Either way, you dont have to live like this, if its not the life you want. Would he be happy to have a meeting with the community mental health team, to explore this with a psychologist? The difficulty is, he seems to be happy and doesn't want to change.

Is he open to the suggestion of volunteering/joining a men's shed etc?

He is wasting his life and dragging you down with him. Time to make plans for a better life without him.

He is going to have serious physical health issues if he doesnt change. Does he go out on his own at all? Would he take the children to school? What would happen if you couldnt drive for some reason? Perhaps try scheming for a month to see how he reacts. You might be able to get the old him back.

@ExcitementAhead101 I would say you need to continue with treatment for yourself, show interest in the pregnancy, turn up for your child and carry on doing that. Make an effort. It's then up to your exP to decide if she wants to continue with a relationship or co parent. Really, its very difficult living with someone with depression and the problem is when you have children they come first. I believe my husbands issues come from my mil putting his alcoholic father before her children and enabling and pacifying him when he flew off the handle ' because he was ill'. So its up to her to decide if she wants to risk it and its up to you to get treatment and maintain it for ypu and your child.

As said his health will deteriorate and he will only become more of a burden. The longer you stay at the harder it will be to extricate yourself.

You’re planning to divorce him right?

Even if he “refused” to leave eventually he’s going to be the wrong end of a court order.

If I was being devious I think I’d set this up as a joint decision, that you can’t afford the current house based on a single person’s earnings. So he needs to get a job or you all move. Obviously he won’t get a job so house goes on the market. Then move into a rental, make sure you keep your share of the equity and get your own place leaving him with his share of equity, benefits and you can agree any other terms of a financial settlement then.

You need to leave this man. He may have been mentally ill initially but it doesn't sound as if he is now. It sounds as if he has made a conscious decision to behave like this and particularly to bully and manipulate you. The fact that he tells you what to do from his sofa, calls you lazy and that the children are not bothered about seeing their own father would support this. You need to seek legal advice as the first step. You could force a house sale, although it would be a long and stressful process.

Why don't you be unavailable to pick the children up from school? And unavailable to take kids to weekend sport?
You need to require DH to do more.
See what happens.
Find out what he can do.

I agree with every word of this.

Don’t wait any longer. You’ve been hugely supportive but now he needs to break the cycle, get help if he needs it and contribute properly if he doesn’t.

He absolutely should be doing both school runs, cleaning, shopping and cooking.

His current existence is so dysfunctional - please don’t normalise it any more for yourself and your children.

I’d be concerned for his physical health too.

As your children get older and more independent he will sense that the forces which bind you to him are weakening. In response he will reach for other things to weigh you down with, most likely increasing health issues on his part I'd say.

@Hadenough91625 It sounds like he is winning at life. DH is achieving what every man wants, which is to be a stay at home husband. It would be nice if I could have that someday, though it's very unlikely.

The only issue is having a car on finance. Get rid of that car and instead get a cheap 2nd hand "runaround."

Really? He can shift himself for an hour in the morning. He can investigate stocks and shares. He can tell the OP she's lazy. All from the sofa.

OP, you have no choice but to leave him. He's a terrible example to your children. He's not even trying to help himself.

He has no incentive to do anything, and sitting on the sofa in front of the telly all day is not dealing with his mental health- it’s a distraction so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Even stocks and shares, although slightly more brainpower involved are a distraction technique to add to his sense of control that he has fostered in ordering you all around as he evidently doesn’t have control of his life otherwise. I feel very sorry for the situation.

i would first see a solicitor to get the lay of the land and what separation would actually look like financially. And then give him the motivation by telling him this and unless he gets up of his arse to either contribute to the household or get a job, and look after his mental and physical health then this is what will happen. Don’t let yourself get sucked in by this black hole of vacuous waste and waste years of your life on him otherwise.

Could you set fire to the sofa ? It's probably a health hazard now anyway.
Then divorce him.

You need a slow clever escape plan.

open a bank account or a PayPal account where you put a tenner in, and squirrel away money to slowly build up some money so you are not quite so trapped and dependent on him

just for back up

all women should work on an escape fund imo

talk to him about how you’d love to see him come back to life, how this behaviour is not normal, he needs to try and come back to earth. Maybe you can rebuild your relationship? Meanwhile keep squirelling away every Penny that you can.

get involved in finances. You need to anyway. This dependency is silly. Just get interested and involved, ask him to explain, say you feel more comfortable sharing finances together now you are the breadwinner, and also just because you want to. He has no reason to try and keep sole financial control (unless he is abusive)

good luck. Start today with slowly clawing back your financial independence!

Poor kids, poor you. This is no life for any of you. Think carefully, seek advice, with a view to planning a better life for you and your children well away from this depressing situation. Then take action.

you are genius ! nice idea , out of the box thinking !!👌

His back will be wrecked. Disabled people with mobility issues are told to get off the sofa every twenty minutes, do exercises three times a day, just keep moving.

I'd stop, feeding and washing the blob on the sofa. Don't buy snacks, treats.

Find somewhere else to live

If he wasn’t depressed when he started lying on the sofa I bet he is now. It sounds so dreary. I just couldn’t live like this op. You sound (understandably) at the end of your tether.