Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

If your children were teenagers you should have been to work anyway. He might not have felt so much pressure if you’d been helping out financially.

Anyway, you sound as though you can’t bear him - you’ve said nothing at all about worry for him or how bad things got for him to have to leave work. I reckon you’d all be happier separately.

Stop saying No Problem as it obviously is a problem. Unless you are willing to talk to him and take action then this will be you life

I had work burnout a few years ago and had to take three months off to get help.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go back then. but I remember the psychiatrist telling me that I must. He said all the stats show that the longer you take off, the less likely you are ever to go back. So I went back and was a bit shaky at first but have been fine ever since. It was tough love but the right thing to say.

I suspect this may be a common problem. DSIL's father is exactly the same — he literally never moves from the sofa except for "input" and "output". Both he and his wife are on benefits and she is not much more active. Two of their three kids still live at home (in their late 20s). The third kid is DSIL, who got all of the got-up-and-go genes, and so got up and went!

He makes all the financial decisions

But You earn all the money.

and He is convinced he is absolutely justified about most things.

I WOULDN'T TRUST HIM TO GAMBLE ON STOCK EXCHANGE

He could be investing your savings etc in Bitcoin type investments and lose the lot.

You need to take back financial control right now if nothing else.

And start putting all your non bill/non household salary into a personal account. It sounds like you have no idea what he is investing or where he's getting the money to invest. Sounds like its your money, that could be spent on your own pension or emergency savings or invested in Children's accounts... and yet you have absolutely no say in this?

What if he used the joint account to invest because he had a "hot tip" and you couldn't pay the mortgage?

Its pure gambling by another name.

Ugh
Ugh
Ugh
He’s taking the piss, the lazy lump of uselessness

He is clearly not well so not in a position to make decisions (or demands).

I'd look into downsizing.

Sell his car or else transfer it into your name and sell your car.

And unless he is willing to go to his GP and get help, then he is just going to drag the rest of you down with him.

In that case, then you have no option but to walk away.

I'm sorry OP. What an awful situation. Does he have any family members who can speak to him?

Apologies if I broke any rules, it wasn't intentional. And wasn't intended to offend anyone.
My point was that it doesn't sound right for OP not to have a say in the finances, especially if money is being spent on the stock exchange.

But MNHQ thinks it should be deleted, I have no problem with that.

Well the OP said he has got fat and presumably he has a duff so I've just stated an evident fact. I'm not fatphobic. A phobia is a fear. I'm not afraid of fat people. I just lose respect for them if they are expecting other people to service their needs while they check out of adult life to the detriment of those people.

I'm good thanks.

Its rare i get enraged by an post on MN. But this cock lodging freeloading slug is taking the living piss out of you. And your kids are seeing this.

I think he might be doing that due to poor mental health, it is quite obvious. But normally it isnt permissable to start in on someone's looks because you don't like them.

Sell his car.

Do no cooking for him.

Do none of his or the DC's washing

Start work earlier, so that he does the school run.

Stop having sex with him.

Basically, he's a waste of space as a human being , but if you're determined to stay married ...

Would it be legal to sell his car?

And this.

Definitely make him do the school run at least, the lazy useless twat 😡

Plenty of disabled people who can’t walk are a healthy weight.

He is not like that now. He has been researching stocks and shares lately and is doing that.

This has alarmed me! Stocks and shares because it doesn't involve moving an inch. But it does include heavy loses! I just feel someone with his mental health history just shouldn't take this route - at all.

Please keep an eye on this.

Speak to a solicitor and get rid of him. What a horrible way for you to live and a horrendous life for your children.

So sorry you are going through this. You only live one life and he’s really not being a good role model for the children and being a terrible husband and team mate to you. I’d speak to a recommended divorce solicitor in your area and get a good idea about how to separate etc. it’ll be a massive upheaval but worth it in the long run in my opinion. Also note him calling you lazy etc is abusive.

On a side note i wonder whether his stress bucket is always nearly full, so he can cope the way he is living his life at the moment, but any additional duties or responsibilities to that will cause the bucket to overflow. However that’s not your responsibility.

You need to be straight with him OP. Tell him that you need things to change dramatically or it’s over. He needs to get back to work and he needs to figure out his path back there. If you don’t see signs he is attempting true recovery by x date then it’s over. He needs to know what will happen if he doesn’t shift up a gear. Frame it in your mind as he has the right to know the consequences of his actions.

I have empathy to an extent as I have long standing mental health issues / chronic stress and fatigue / autism. Both me and my partner struggle through work and life and sometimes we consider whether he should give up work so I can put my energy into work and he can put his energy into maintaining the household and cooking etc to free me up from that. There’s no way 1 person should be allowed to give up work AND fail to contribute to the housework AND fail to find a path to recovery.

If you saw him trying his hardest and taking steps every day to recover I’m sure you wouldn’t be feeling the rage you feel, you would be supporting him, he needs to know that. He needs to know you’re angry about this.

I would unplug the TV and take the lead to work. But then again, I can be very petty.

Me too @Hadalifeonce

On a more serious note - it's clear that his mental health is still not as it should be. No functional human lives as he lives. And the breakdown in his mental health is no excuse for him to behave so appallingly to you.

For a start, exercise is known to be a helpful thing in maintaining mental health, as well as physical health, as is [paid] work, and actually leaving the house.

He needs further therapeutic treatment.

But really, you need to kick him out. If you're married, start to initiate divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

You've been together since you were 18, that's 20 odd years. Only another 40+ to go then before you die of old age after a poverty stricken retirement as he'll have no pension provisions......hey ho.

This sounds incredibly hard.
He is either still unwell or stuck in a rut.
I think it is much much more common than is spoken about in society for men to have a mental health episode lasting quite some years or a so called mid life crisis.
Would your children and wider family be open to some kind of intervention?

Is he taking anti depressants ?
At a minimum he should be going for some kind of walk everyday of a minimum of 30 minutes.
Personally I would be asking that he cooks each night as he isn’t working. It he doesn’t then sort yourself out and teens with something simple
And while staying together start to make a parallel life for yourself. To keep your sanity if nothing else. Invite him but if he says no just quietly get on with it. And any comments about laziness etc make a non committal mmm sound.

I am so sorry for you. Hr is very depressed. Having been where he is, I understand but the difference is I was on my own so was able to cope with it and heal without inconveniencing anyone else.

Having a family around me would have made me worse.

This must be awful and I don't know how you and children can proceed, it is obviously not fair on you all.

You need to talk to him, quietly, and urge him to get some more help. Therapy may be the answer. Inside he knows he cannot go on as he is but right now cannot face it and he is being enabled to continue in the same way.

All I can say is it does eventually come to an end but my heart goes out to you all as you navigate your way through. It is such a delicate situation. x