Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Forcing him to live on his own and leave the house might be the push he needs to start living life again. At the moment you are enabling him.

It is not your responsibility to live like this and while separating and financially untangling will be hard your life will be so much richer long term.

You will lose the house sometime anyway, so best get on and sell it, whether he likes it or not. I think he is beyond unreasonable if he isn’t actively trying to sort himself out medically.

It's not really an excuse to stay in his rut with him. Yes it would be difficult but forget him, accept that you'd be doing it on your own. It's not your concern where his next sofa is.

Apart from that he may seem ok by I very much suspect he's not. It really sounds like the strange inertia you can get from low mood and anxiety. It does become laziness, and you end up in a vicious cycle.

I would hate it, I hated myself when I was in the same spot in the house all the time with poor mental health. It must drive you mad. Even if he's unwell it doesn't mean you have accept that this is life.

I can't believe he has the audacity to call YOU lazy!

Move out with your kids. Get divorced. Force a sale of the house. Yes you will probably get less of what the value is if he is still living there and being difficult but it can be done. Financially unmesh yourself from him. All of these things may be difficult but they can be done. As for where he lives and what he does for money well that is his problem to sort out and not yours. As he is under the care of the mental health team he may be entitled to move into sheltered/supported accomodation.

You are only 40 for Christ's sake. Don't put up with this any longer.

I agree. I had a serious breakdown and it took me years to recover but I did fight for help and support to get me out of it. I also wonder if he is on any meds as they can sap the energy out of you.

But it's not OP's job or responsibility to fix him.

He's an adult. He needs to get off his arse and get himself help if that's what he needs.

I wouldn't stay there another second. Get a cheap rental sorted, get the kids and go. If you have to save a few months for a deposit then stay with family, it might seem hard but it will be worth it in the end. You can make it nice and get on your feet. You may not earn much but you should be able to claim universal credit or similar to top up funds and beef out finances a bit. Your and the kids peace is worth more than that life.

Meanwhile start divorce proceedings which should ultimately end up with some sort of financial settlement regardless of whether he wants it or not.

This..

If he continues to stay on the sofa and not move, he will eventually become quite unwell and unable to move. He may have a heart attack or stroke, or begin to have falls as he gets older, which will further reduce his ability to be mobile. You will then end up becoming his full-time carer as he won't be able to get himself food, or to the toilet or shower.

The body will tolerate lack of movement for a short time, but not indefinitely; it is built to be mobile.

Get out while you can, it is his life and if he chooses this way to live then that is up to him, but you need to extricate yourself before you have to become his carer.

just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression

I think your understanding of the situation might be making him worse.

"Men find their slippers, women find their wings"

I feel like someone has written this post on my behalf, it’s almost eerie how similar my life is to this poster. I’m slightly further along than you as I’m actively trying to end my relationship, however, he’s been absolutely resistant to leaving and is gaslighting me about how I can’t cope without him. It’s a draining way to exist. I can’t offer any advice but know you are not alone and there are many women who are sick of being support animals!

This. You can support a partner with poor mental health and that's what she's been doing all this time. She can't run herself into the ground and waste her life away on this though. He's not helping himself.

I would start by getting him to do the school run. Get him up and out the house even if its just sitting in the car. Tell him your work hours have xhanged and you're needed to do something in the morning and afternoon now.

This is awful to read. I do suspect that someone with a high flying career must be experiencing continued mental health needs for this to be his norm.

My husband has decided to take some time out from work and be a SAHD whilst my career is thriving and he supported me through professional training and to build my business. But this is a joint decision and always an open conversation. In the 2 weeks he has been off, he has not sat still once (or played golf!) and is constantly doing all the house jobs that are outstanding and asking what he can do to help me with any tasks…. His bum has not touched a sofa….

being off work doesn’t mean being on one single sofa 247.

This is a mental health issue that clearly his useless team aren’t managing correctly.

you poor lady. How difficult to watch this happen… hugs.

I have pretty severe MH issues since having two small children (one of whom is disabled). It has been a rocky rocky road. I must say I gasped a bit at what your DH has/is getting away with though, I’m sorry but if it were you in his place do you think you’d get away with that?

I had a severe ED and was on the brink of being hospitalised and my DH was still working 70 hour weeks and I was being told to be grateful I was ‘allowed’ to stay home.
Since my two started school I havn’t returned to work, which I’m not sure I could tbh, but I am responsible for all school runs, as well as 80% of housework childcare and mental load. It works out about 50/50 for the time DH is here but he’s not here very much. The concept that he would be leaving work, picking up the kids and coming home to make dinner whilst I was sat on the sofa all day/evening is honestly laughable. It would never happen. The cynical part of me think there’s some gender issues at play here and I can’t help but think that a mum would never get away with doing this, regardless of MH, without being seen as awful and lazy!

He is so obviously still suffering from mental health issues. Does he ever leave the house at all? It sounds like the depression has stopped any motivation. He needs a reason to get off the sofa and improve his life but that is very complicated with mental health disorders. Especially as some types of medication can stop the negative emotions but also leave you without any oomph.

I can't imagine anyone truly being happy just sitting in the same place all day, whether they act like it or not. But this is no life for any of you. If he is a stay at home husband, he should be doing far more than whizzing around for an hour in the morning. He should be doing all the dinners at night, the shopping, the washing, taking the kids wherever they need to go, repairs around the house, the garden, the cleaning etc. Maybe not all of that, but most of it. I would not be prepared to come in and cook dinner after work if another adult had been sitting on the sofa all day and I would not do it. Ditto with all the other things. He's being enabled, perhaps because you're worried he'll revert to how he was before you thought he was better?

I was married to someone like this. When we separated he managed to get a job, manage a house etc. He was choosing to do nothing when we’re we’re together under the guise of depression because he could. I couldn’t live with his behaviour any more.

I’d make plans to leave. Finances be untangled. Your kids views will be taken into account as they are teenagers (my son lives with me full time as that’s why he wants) and you will be happier. I felt nothing but relief when I split.

I think you should say to him this afternoon that you are no longer getting anything from this relationship and it can no longer continue.
Tell him this evening that you would like to discuss this when the children have gone to bed.
It gives him time to decide what he can do to make things better.If you want to still be with him.
Do you still have sex ?
You deserve better and so do the children.
Is your home tidy , up together , need decorating?
He must be feeling very very low.
It's no life for any of you.
Tell him that you are fed up with him on the sofa doing f all whilst you work and clean and cook.
He should be cooking fresh meals, doing DIY , the garden / run errands or get a job.

I’m the low functioning one in the marriage.
And yes you’d find me lying down in my recliner all day (because I’m struggling to physically cope with being sat). I can’t even do the mad dash your dh is doing in the am.

The huge difference between me and your dh is the attitude.
My dh has taken over all the cooking, cleaning. He was working before anyway.
But I’d never dare telling him he is lazy or give him orders, tell him what to do etc…..
That is NOT an acceptable behaviour, Regardless of whether he is ill or not.

If you ignore his demands when he is telling you what to do, what’s happening?
If you were pulling him off fir saying you’re lazy, what would happen?

I’ve felt the same way.

Does he smoke weed? Is he on strong psychiatric drugs or antidepressants?
I’ve been on several drugs for my disability which are sometimes neurological drugs and antidepressants and many of them cause what’s known as a ‘flat affect’ , as do many of the conditions they’re prescribed to treat. Worth a google and worth suggesting a medication review.
if it’s not working for you and he doesn’t want to change, consider what this is teaching your kids long term, and role modelling for their future relationships, friendships, houseshare dynamics etc

Se a lawyer
Get divorced.
Move out with dc for now to rented claim any uc housing benefit etc or dip into savings to rent something for a year.
That might be push he needs but if not then you will be free.
You do not need to be dragged down as well