Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Doesn’t sound like Munchausan’s syndrome

Tell him you feel you are very close to burnout with work and financial worries and you can feel depression coming on……give him the impression you may need to stop working soon due to the poor state your mental health is in and that he needs to get a job to lessen the strain in the event of this happening…….you need to somehow get his ass off the couch and back to work for a number of reasons

@Hadenough91625 he's NOT a SAHD. He's unemployed. Don't fall for this.

You do everything for the children, you need to document this.

I feel absolutely broken. Today I have been tipped over the edge . We haven't really been speaking to each other for the past couple of days as he was supposed to buy us all a takeaway and I made a comment he didn't like then refused to buy it. We had no other meal for that night so I bought the take away instead. He hasn't spoken to me since.
We've just had an argument about it and I told him how unhappy I am and that I'm doing everything.
As usual he turned the whole thing round on me , saying what could I possibly feel unhappy about and how dare I say he does nothing for the kids , he has paid for everything for them.
By this he means when he was working he would pay for Xmas for them with large extravagant gifts and he would pay for our family holiday (before he was ill)
The other 364 days of the year he doesn't pay for anything for them. I buy their uniform, all of their clothes, I pay their lunch money, their bus money, their pocket money, all of their every day costs
I said money doesn't buy love!!! You emotionally neglect us! Buying a Xmas gift doesn't make it ok. Now we aren't speaking at all.

How can he possibly think that he is perfect and I am the problem? I don't understand!!this is what scares me about splitting because he is manipulative and would be out for revenge . I feel like I have been so strong through all of this but I'm currently sitting here completely defeated , feeling trapped , desperate and almost feel like just walking out and leaving everything behind because i can't live like this anymore

Get to the solicitor this week. Get a plan in place to start the ball rolling on divorce. You cannot live like this anymore. The man is vile.

@Hadenough91625

Forget arguing about money. You need to tell him straight that you don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

just tell him.

Hi op why not use these feelings now to get things started he doesn’t respect you he’s a man child just think this will never get any better ur going to keep suffering because he’s a selfish lazy bugger. He’s got into the position he wants and now he twists everything he’s controlling you and he’s abusive. Please think of yourself and kids he might get nasty but he’s got to get off the sofa to get revenge your not the problem he is. 3 years of suffering how much do you think you can take before you end up with mental health issues. Even if he was very ill it’s no excuse to be a bastard if he hasn’t helped himself n 3 years then that’s on him. You’re not his mother.

What you describing is manipulation and control .

If I were you, I would grey rock, ie completely disengage from him, and tomorrow ring a firm of solicitors. They will be able to give you a steer as to what splitting up would mean.

Do some internet research as to who can best advise you.

People always say you can get a free half an hour. Some solicitors offer this, but quite honestly I would prefer to pay and get some solid advice.

If you don’t pay they are going to give you very general advice only. So you’ll end up doing it twice

Don’t tell your husband and don’t even hint at it. Get as much detail about your finances ready so the solicitor can properly advise you.

Find your anger, which is your energy here. And you are going to need it. He will not want to lose his sweet sweet deal. He is going to get very nasty indeed .

Get him gone and start living

Agree, I think you need a clever conniving solicitor on your side to give you some savvy advice.

Agree, I hope she has enough cash to do this or if she doesn’t it may be worth taking out a small loan / borrowing off her parents for it……from the sounds of it her parents want to protect the asset ( house) so may be more than willing to help

Definitely, stop the joint bank account, pay half thr mortgage, half bills, but your and dc own food shop, own meals,own washing.
The gravy train has stopped for the controlling arse!

Op the straw that broke camels back, here,
Grey rock him now, but this time now you use to start putting things in place, yes seak financial advice, start divorce process, gov.uk will cost £600 to start the ball rolling, bloody take if from the joint account, he will see payment and tell him, oh yes its for the divorce process and walk away op don't wait for his response,

Use this anger op

Would doing this let him know she was thinking of separating though and then he might also start planning, I personally think she should carry on as normal until she has her ducks in a row and knows where she stands ……she needs to be one step ahead of him

You are wasting your precious and finite emotional energy, headspace and time - trying to negotiate with an unreasonable, irrational, coercively controlling man - he is the tail wagging your life - he is exhausting you, depleting you and frustrating you.

This is his intention - to have you rattled and confused so that you can’t take action.

You need to save your breath and divert your limited energy and time into taking actions. Drop the rope on his ‘game’ where he has you like a puppet on a string.

Detach and disengage. He doesn’t have you trapped physically, financially or legally.

He has you so scared that YOU believe his manipulation puts him above the law - it doesn’t there are thousands of lawyers who have seen these types before and know there every manoeuvre and tactic.

Each day you lock horns with him you are letting him win. You have significant assets that need to be split legally. Your DCs don’t have a happy fully functioning mother because her finite emotional energy is being drained by him and diverted from them. They have already lost one parent and they need your focus - you can’t give it your best if you are enmeshed with him.

Get information, see a solicitor. Take a tiny step each week and soon it will be sorted.

He is not above the law - even though he has convinced you he is.

I would carry on as normal in terms of finances for the moment OP, closing accounts etc is going to provoke a response you don’t want. And you have children in the house.

You can’t unilaterally close a joint account, and emptying an account would be very provocative and can be used to make you look bad.

It sounds like he knows something is up anyway. Don’t say any more to him.

If you feel threatened by him, police. Then you may be able to get him out while the divorce process is under way.

Don't think or fret about it any more. This cannot go on. Take heed of the advice here and get in touch with a solicitor tomorrow. You need to start making a plan and starting to see that there is a happy future for you when you are free. You have only one life and have wasted enough of it on him.

You’ve spent enough of your precious life supporting this lazy manipulative man.
He’s happy enough seeing you broken, whereas you have carried him and the family through years of depression.

Cut him out of your heart, mind and life.

Not sure if someone’s already suggested, but have you considered getting a hidden camera set up to prove that he is literally doing nothing by recording over a week or so? That could help with a solicitor needing proof that he does nothing perhaps.

Then walk out. To use a cliche, start getting your ducks in a row. Doesn’t have to be done overnight. Remember, the tortoise won the race, not the hare (another cliche).

Can you trust your parents? Speak to them in confidence and explain the situation. They may be more supportive than you imagine , especially if they’re aware if the situation.

Start plotting your exit and start making a future for yourself.

Family law is not a court of morals. I think this is a bad idea and may cause the OP practical problems. Her solicitor is going to take her instructions and act on them

Such footage would not be admissible in Court anyway.

I am a solicitor , but not in family Law. I have a general idea of the process. The take away is really that conduct is neither here nor there as far as finances are concerned .

If the couple are unable to agree, a Court will look at the resources, then ensure as far as possible both parties are housed.

Then it’s the nitty gritty if who gets what. Agreement is best, by mediation if necessary. Because court proceedings costs a fortune.

A judge needs to be satisfied that the parties agreement, if reached, is fair, in order for the decree absolute to be granted

In any proceedings involving children, their welfare is of paramount importance.

That’s a rough idea of what matters and the approach taken by Family courts and those who work in them

Please stop trying to negotiate with him or get his consent. You never will. Just go to a solicitor and start the process of splitting. Your kids are old enough to choose to live with you so don’t worry about him asserting that he is the SAHP because its not going to be relevant.

With respect to your parents feelings about the house split either don’t tell them or tell them that he had a better lawyer than you did. Just say “ok I made a mistake but I am moving on.” I think you need to do a little work in therapy to understand why your parents’s attitude privileging their money over your happiness may have led you to also be too passive in the face of your dh’s abuse.

You still try to appeal to his reason, love and fairness but it is not there.
You have not told us how your relationship was before his depression but I presume it was far from great then as well.
This man does not want to be nice to you nor to your kids.
It's time to cut your losses.
Yes I know this is very difficult. I am convinced that all of us who tell you to end this relationship have stayed ourselves too long in situations where we were not respected and looking back our regret is not that we left, it's that we did not leave early enough.
But leaving is a process that is far from straightforward. One day you are sure that you will leave and the other day you still have some hope. Leaving means giving up the hope that things will ever improve. It's a mourning process.
The ones who are the most important persons here are your kids. They did not chose to be caught in the middle of this mess. They deserve a serene harmonious home. Impossible with this father.
Try to keep a cool head and inform yourself by seeing a lawyer. And start recording. Oh and if he becomes all of a sudden a bit more engaged in the family life, don't fall for it. It's because he smells the days of sofa paradise are almost over so it's just to lure you back in.
You could benefit from some seeing a therapist who supports you through this.

Make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in family law OP. You need to figure everything out and come up with a plan of action. If old Jabba the Hutt on the sofa is clever, you need to be clever too.

People always say you can get a free half an hour. Some solicitors offer this, but quite honestly I would prefer to pay and get some solid advice.If you don’t pay they are going to give you very general advice only. So you’ll end up doing it twice

That’s not necessarily true. I got 30 mins free advice from a local solicitor. I went along with a list of questions, got answers and info, then booked a proper appointment with those same solicitors to initiate the process. This was excellent as the solicitor remembered me and had taken notes, so I didn’t have to go through everything twice. Their initial advice in the free 30 mins also allowed me to make informed decisions re the split and finances.

OP, stop appealing to his better nature. Don’t say another word. Don’t give anything away. Work behind the scenes and independent of your DH to get advice and then start the divorce process if you’re happy to do so. My solicitor was excellent and took a lot of the stress out of it. They also did the financial arrangement.

You are effectively a single parent

I do not understand why you cannot separate or divorce and start alone again ?

There is nothing to keep you together

Your children are separate to the divorce issues

Start the divorce