Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

I can’t help but think the lightness of being able to sit in your own living room, in whatever home you eventually live in, with your children, would outweigh the heaviness of any dispute with your parents OP. Life is too short. You deserve better.

No because paralysis is not curable ( unless its temporary of course, and then it needs the person with paralysis to do a lot of work themselves, attend physiotherapy, exercises etc) Depression is manageable, but it does need the depressed person to want to engage in treatment. Op's husband seems to not want to do anything to improve his situation. Its a waste of everyones time trying to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The MH team have been seeing him for 3 years!

RTFT - he has lots of specialist help.

This, totally Agree, I honestly can't believe that there are posters out there enabling this man's emotional abuse of op because of his health.

OP he’s being abusive and controlling - financially and emotionally. I know he has mental health problems but that doesn’t preclude him from being abusive. Your parents are being controlling and manipulative by telling you not to leave rather than supporting you.

You feel trapped as you’ve lost your self belief and feeling of any control. You need as pp have said to start taking photos and keeping a paper trail (emails, texts, photos, daily log in a notebook or phone notes of what happens and who does what in and out of the house for the children. At the end of a month you’ll have a log of everything as evidence.

Don’t let fear of him claiming to do everything stop you from what you need to do so you and your children can be free of this awful man. Collect all financial information. See a solicitor. Contact women’s aid. Life is short and so is your children’s childhoods.

I would split and if your parents are being unreasonable about this, take a pause from them for a bit.

@Hadenough91625- knowledge is power. Honestly see a solicitor. This situation is extremely dysfunctional.

You might not realise this but you have the upper hand here; you have a job & the children will not stay with him.

Yes, he won’t make it easy as he’s a controlling bastard in “king of the castle” mode. He’s controlling you through inaction. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

You can choose to take control here. You have your own agency.

Would you think about some counselling on your own as to why you’re putting up with this shit?

Well maybe he needs more help. Or different help.

100% speak to a solicitor. You can’t live like this. What is the benefit of staying together? Sounds like absolutely nothing. Think about your kids too, what is this teaching to them of what is acceptable?

That’s on him. He’s a grown man.

Please put yours and your children’s needs above your parents feelings.

If it was a bit more on and off, I'd agree with you, and think he waa just a lazy sod who is taking advantage. But being on a sofa constantly and doing absolutely nothing else day in , day out is not remotely normal, so I'd say there's something very much going wrong with him. Whether its autism or not, I would think he needs to see somebody because that is a very negative lifestyle..And it's very bad for the OP too obviously..

Op why do you fear him getting more from the house sale, it normally goes 50/50, but you both have to agree your parents contribution is ring fence then anything else is 50/50,
H lives on benefits op so guessing this amounts to your monthly wage,

Also the fact that he can get the surface cleaning done in one hour seems to indicate he's more able than he's letting on...can you assign him more chores/errands etc while you look into separating?

He loves this because he's getting dopamine hit from just watching TV most of the day, maybe TV can go? Books are less stimulating.

He's had help and is more than happy with the current situation, any further help needs to be instigated by him, he's not a child and the OP is not his Mother.

Except he doesn't want to even try...

Or maybe he has to want the help...

How much more emotional and financial buse do you think the OP and her children should put up whilst this man is 'getting better'. Imagine living in a home where you are scared to draw attention to yourself.

@Hadenough91625 You need legal advice. Pronto. Get your ducks in a row. Get free legal advice from a solicitor, there is a legal forum on here, and others may have been through the same. Citizens advice is good too.

You and your children are being abused. They love you but this may cause issues in your relationship with them as they grow up and have their own children. They may wonder why they were not enough to protect or fight for because to them protection might have looked different. I am not judging, just offering a different perspective.

This situation is likely taking a huge toll on the children. And on any future relationships. And they have no choice in the matter

You already live separate lives - this isn't a marriage.

You could manage this by creating a whole new life for yourself and the children. Hobbies, sports, activities, friends - be out, with them, as much as possible. Let him opt out - and keep records of every time he says no and you say yes.

Being the one who does the school runs, managing their lives etc is important.

I can't recall how old they are? At a certain age they do have a say who they live with, should you separate.

But they will be off living their own lives sooner than you realise.

It sounds like you've resigned yourself to it, cast yourself in the role of wife trapped forever in a shituation.

If you don't want that to be your next forty odd years sorted:

This week, get yourself some legal advice about your rights, re your financial and living situation. Believe the experts, not whatever he tries to tell you they are.

Start a record of exactly what you do day to day, home, children, work, everything. All the wifework and mumwork as well as the outwork.

And a whole new strand in your life that you spend on YOU - evening classes, a qualification, gym, theatre, friends etc.

If you can't get him to change then you can change the life you lead around him.

And the sad fact is, he probably will not have a long life.

Well yes, and there are now 20 pages saying so but OP just comes back to say she won’t. Nothing’s gonna change here.

That's the point. Sometimes "manageable" means that it can be managed how the OP's husband manages it. Youre speaking as if everyone with the same diagnosis has the same prognosis. They do not.

Echoing what others have said.
Please - Go and see a solicitor. Get advice about your financial and legal position. Then, with accurate information, including any parental financial involvement, you can make decisions.

And do remember - your children are being daily affected by all this - not just what they're witnessing having parents in a dysfunctional and seemingly abusive relationship, but how they feel about having a parent who's checked out of his responsibilities to them.

You owe it to yourself and them to take advice

so that I can then leave regardless of the financial split i will just accept it for what it is without upsetting anyone

But someone IS upset, very upset - you! Life is short,, don’t waste any more of it.

Unfortunately as I discovered to my cost it certainly is not a question of getting back what you put in to a marriage. The starting point is 50:50 and the person who has earned less or is capable of less can get more. It’s not about the children either - child maintenance is separate to this. Women get trapped in these marriages. I had to pay my lazy husband to go away. It was extremely painful and difficult. All I can say is we are all happier without him.