Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

This, and do is soon. As pp have said he's going to have a 'team' (like some on this thread) advocating for him, insisting that at 40, he can never ever work again and must be cared for. So he'll also needed financially provided for.
Hope he has a good pension from his previous job that you get a cut from.

Mental Health team (in my experience) weren't any use if they can be bothered to come out at all. Most of what they write in their notes is factually incorrect and their whole purpose of seeing you is just to write that (incorrect) letter. I saw them via GP referral when I was suicidal and collecting up boxes of pills for a planned overdose. About a month later I had what I thought would be enough boxes and went ahead and took the overdose. Obviously I survived after ending up in hospital but this experience led me to believe they're there for show more than anything.

We don't know if the OP has friends or family to stay with and might not want to put her kids on her friend's sofa. At least here they have beds and space. I agree though she should see a solicitor without telling him and they can tell her what she can do.

Redecorating is a great idea. He might fly off the handle if she disturbs his little set-up but if he starts getting aggressive and she does feel afraid she could call the police and have them remove him. He dictates to her from the sofa so can imagine what this person is like.

Your Grandparents sound like me. I am 32 and wouldn't even have a TV in the house were it not for DH and DC.

People say everything is Autism these days. He was depressed and fortune enough to be able to throw in the towel and pandered to and now this is how he wants to live.

Also lived in houses of multiple occupation like this. It drags you down being around socially inept losers doing nothing to better themselves. Granted, some have had the worst of lives, it's really not our business to question that but the alcoholic, harassing dossers are the worst and they're always men.

OP, please keep us updated on what you decide to do and how it pans out so we can continue to support and advise you. I'm very emotionally invested in your situation and really want you to be free of this man.

Financially it's difficult because my parents were involved in the purchase of the house. I am extremely scared that legally my husband would actually be entitled to more than me because due to his current state he can't work/provide for himself whereas I can. And he is now the sahp and would lie and say he does everything for the kids. He doesn't act stupid, he's a very clever man and knows it.
If he got more than me in a split, my parents would never forgive me. They've already told me we need to stay together because of it.

His chores: he is capable of doing everything, dishwasher, washing, cleaning bathrooms, hoovering, he does do it but fits it all in to one hour. That's what makes it difficult because I can't actually say he doesn't do anything because he does get it done!!

The situation gets worse because we already leave him on his own in the living room. I hate that room. I can't bare to sit in it with him anymore and the kids never do. We are always upstairs and we eat in the dining room and pottery about doing whatever. Whilst all this is going on he is alone . If we go in there or he calls us in there the dictating starts.

I have had many any conversations with him. I am very straight talking. He knows how unhappy I am. He knows our marriage is in a terrible state. He knows that we are basically already separated but just live in the same house. I have accused him of staying with me for financial reasons. I have asked him to leave but he won't. I have also given him the opportunity many times when he was ill to go elsewhere as he seemed like he would be better off recovering alone as he completely withdrew from us. He said he didn't want to and wants to stay here. Of course he does!!

So I just keep waiting and waiting. Waiting until the kids go, waiting until my parents pass away so that I can then leave regardless of the financial split i will just accept it for what it is without upsetting anyone

It’s none of your parents business what you do, money or no money.

If you stay like this for the foreseeable future you are making a huge mistake. You are still young, and money is not everything.

You have one life. Don’t throw it away

This is terrible.
You need to speak with a solicitor. Then maybe some sort of women's advice bureau.

I thought in divorce the property settlement depended on who brought what IN? I mean yes if he had young dependent kids he'd be entitled to more, but now? I doubt it.

Speak to a solicitor and start to document everything. Send him texts or emails requesting that he help with the kids and house, and then follow them up to point out that he hasn't done so. Get a Ring camera so you can prove who takes the kids to school and who picks them up. Start to build a picture of all the thing she doesn't do Ito prove ehe is not a SAHD.

I haven’t read the fulL thread OP
but have seen your posts. You aren’t helpless or trapped. Go and see a solicitor and start the process. It wilL be extremely hard work for afew months but then he will no longer be an albatross over your neck.

@Hadenough91625 I would never say that he wAs a sahd! he does no school drop off or pick ups at all. he is only skimming the housework. never doing a deep clean so that is left to you. his new car must have been purchased before he dropped out? sell it - low miles higher price. sell the house and just ignore him. he now knows what he is doing and is no longer ill!! dictating from the sofa indeed!!!

Is there any way you can set him up in a kind of 'bedsit' in one room of the house, so his bed and his beloved sofa is in there with a TV and you and the kids claim the rest of the house? I would say if he calls you don't go in if hes just going to berate you. What would happen if you just ignored him?
Who cooks his meals? Does he eat the family meals? Have the MH team just given up on him? My H's MH nurse, when he refused to go to counselling just said to him if he wasn't going to do anything then there was no point in anyone coming round and there was no point in him going off sick unless he was going to work towards recovery. I think that, and me telling them that he wasn't taking his medication and wasn't taking anything seriously kicked him up the arse. I don't know how long that will last and I am still telling him to do things and I don't know how hes going to go back to work (at least what he was doing) for the foreseeable but at least hes doig things if I tell him to do them.

Speak to a solicitor. Most offer a free initial consultation. They will be able to reassure you as to the likely financial split. I've not been divorced but have been close to someone who has and from my recollection, all marital assets are split 50/50 including house, pensions, savings etc.

You are the primary carer for the children. He may lie and say he is but that will come out in the wash - your children will speak to the reality of the situation. So I wouldn't worry about that.

Re your parents - I'm sorry but they will just have to suck it up! They gave you the money as a gift and they have no say over what happens now. If you feel really stuck on the issue though, tell them you will pay them back (over time) and work out some sort of a repayment plan. They can't argue with that.

He is still ill. He has not recovered. Get him some help.

OP Do your parents know how you and their grandchildren are living? Surely they must. They can't want this for you? They gave you the money for the house but that was a gift. Surely they wouldn't begrudge you selling the house and getting half to live on your own now.

He has had help for 3 years. Nothing has changed, so it must be because he doesn't want to do the work to get better.

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Would you say that to someone paralysed who "still" can't walk?

What more help could he possibly have beyond the three years the mental health team have been involved?

I’m sorry but if your parents are forcing you to stay because they have some sort of financial interest then they’re not the sort of people you should have any loyalty to. Legally you are entitled to half of the equity in the home, half of any savings accrued during the marriage and half of any other assets. As far as I’m aware, any deviation from 50% would be quite unusual, and yes, he could use his illness but you would likely get custody of the kids - because his illness would mean he can’t, so that would be taken into account.

You need to get legal advice now and stop thinking of anyone else but yourself and your children.

You do need to leave him.

Being ill doesn’t give him a pass to financially and emotionally abuse his wife.