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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

716 replies

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 10:14

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

OP posts:
Allthatshines1992 · 27/09/2025 23:59

Handsomesoapdish · 27/09/2025 10:31

I have over the years noticed a very significant relationship pattern in many relationships I’ve witnessed where one person under functions in relationships and is very drawn to over functioners. The absolutely most toxic version is obviously two underfunctioners but a particularly pernicious version is where the underfunctioners also seeks to control everyone around them which is the version I can clearly see you are in.

Personally I find that type of person one of the most toxic personalities types out there.

I wouldn't call the OP an under-functioner. There was no need to even say that.

huffdragon · 28/09/2025 00:00

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 18:07

Please remember that although I am not an expert , I have been heavily involved with his recovery and all meetings eith doctors , nurses , therapy. I had to take complete control of everything when he was ill. I know everything there is to know about his medications and what to expect from his recovery.
For whatever reason this has not happened. He has not recovered to his original state. He is a different person. But I would no longer call him depressed. I do think his medication contributes to his flatness but I do not think that he would be so vocally involved with us all from the sofa if he was depressed.
He was withdrawn and not interested in anything before. Now he is over interested in everything we do as his whole life is within the home, he has nothing else.
That's where the dictating comes in. He feels he can tell me what to do or not do from the sofa.
If he had to go somewhere in an emergency or for his benefit he would. He just chooses not to for the rest of it, shopping , seeing friends, family, days out etc. I do it all. I take the kids away every half term! I'm sorry but I've just lost patience and sympathy and am really struggling now to see a light at the end if the tunnel

I’ve just read your updates. I’m not surprised you’ve had enough, it sounds an intolerable situation.

Allthatshines1992 · 28/09/2025 00:03

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 10:14

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

It's funny you said this. Just yesterday I was venting about how it feels like no matter who you (general 'you', not you personally) dates they'll be on their best behaviour to begin with but ultimately they'll just spend every weeknight and weekend on the sofa drinking booze. Sometimes they might go out drinking with their mates. But that's pretty much it, that's couple-dom once the fake act at the start wears off and they become complacent. Personally, I don't even like TV and wouldn't have one in the house were it not for DH and our DC. Even the ones who work, when not at work, TV goes on, that's it. Waste of time, waste of life, surely they should be itching to do something, to go out, to make something?

Allthatshines1992 · 28/09/2025 00:05

moanamovie · 27/09/2025 10:18

Has he been to the GP? I would assume that is the first step. Give him an ultimatum - he gets himself checked over to ensure that mentally he is healthy, and then he sorts his shit out. I would be tempted to scrap the sofa??!
I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. If he’s a stay at home husband he should be dropping and picking up the kids, sorting dinners/lunches to ease things on you.
Sell his car, he’s no role model to his children if this continues.

This is a very good point. He's modelling what your children should accept in a relationship and what you think it is right for them to accept. If Mum doesn't put up with this, they might also decide they're unwilling to put up with this.

YouDoYouuu · 28/09/2025 00:06

You might consider getting him to agree to sell the house to downsize to something smaller or even better, a rental. That would take care of any issue with his resisting the sale of family home. Get the house sold then start the divorce without buying another place.

Allthatshines1992 · 28/09/2025 00:06

Pessismistic · 27/09/2025 22:05

How is that functioning well what he does is get the bare minimum done in that whole massive 1 hour then sits off for 23 hours a day. Not really functioning.

Show quote history

Absolutely boring. How does he even justify the time spent? Does he have a break between shows and films to process and absorb what he's just watched or is one, then another, then another...?

Ratafia · 28/09/2025 00:07

He lords it over us and has the absolute nerve to tell me that I am lazy!!!!

So how does he react when you tell him that he's in no position to make stupid accusations like that?

I really think you need to tell him that if he doesn't start pulling his weight properly you will be leaving him, and will take him to court if necessary to ensure that the house gets sold, the children are provided for and assets are divided fairly. Maybe if he sees the end of his current comfortable life he'll get himself out of his current routine.

Ratafia · 28/09/2025 00:10

Squigglydums · 27/09/2025 22:02

From what you have said OP it does sound like he is functioning well, as he gets all off his chores done within the first hour!!!

Define "his chores". He clearly does none of the shopping, very little of the cleaning and only some of the food preparation. He may put the washing into the machine, but it doesn't look like he gets it out and dries it. We could all finish our chores within an hour if we limited them as much as that.

Allthatshines1992 · 28/09/2025 00:16

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 11:06

Regarding separating he would refuse to leave. He only has his parents who he doesn't get in with. And he wouldn't have any money at first. So he would be homeless.

I could try to sell the house whilst he is still here but again he would do everything he could go prevent a sale/not help with packing etc as he doesn't want this situation to change.

If it wasn't for the kids I would be gone in an instant and I will do when they are older even if it means I have to walk away with nothing.

Can't he go and live in a shared house or studio flat somewhere? What would happen if you just sold the TV?

Allthatshines1992 · 28/09/2025 00:26

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 11:24

He does bring in some money as on sickness benefits and had some savings from when he worked where as I have nothing.
My wage comes in and goes straight out.
We live in a large home that was fine when he was a high earner. Neither of us could afford to stay here .my wage wouldn't even cover the council tax plus food let alone anything else

So you live in a big house with two teenagers. The teenagers will soon be 18 and ready to go to Uni unless they do what their Dad does and decide to spend their lives sitting on the sofa too.

Once they've gone to Uni you wouldn't theoretically need to live in a big house anymore. Even now you could probably sell this house and buy a smaller house (with a mortgage but with repayments you could comfortably afford). He could probably buy a bedsit outright with his savings and no mortgage and spend his life just sitting watching TV. He'd be eligible for ESA and PIP, he wouldn't go without.

IridiumSky · 28/09/2025 01:00

The solution is obvious: Destroy the sofa.

I’ve never heard anything so bloody ridiculous. What a way to live.

Looploop · 28/09/2025 01:32

My ex-husband was quite a lot like this. He quit several jobs due to stress although he did return to work. Most of his leisure time was spent sat in front of his computer in the living room. He wasn’t permanently housebound and did some picking up kids and taking them to things I had arranged but he wasn’t properly engaged with life. His computer chair rotted around him and his corner of the room was cluttered.

I worked like mad and did most school runs - he did so some. I was the main earner and responsible for everything like organising bills or booking holidays, arranging any household maintenance or car repairs. He did do food shops but wasn’t exactly careful about sticking to the budget.

Not in the OP’s hubby’s league but he was basically lazy and boring and not properly engaged. All decisions about the kids were really made by me. And all support with any social stuff for them too. And I was so ashamed and also fearful of him packing in work altogether that I just worked like mad to cover for his failings.

In the end it all combusted. Be warned, OP. Divorce is difficult and will be financially very damaging. The less he has put in the more he can take out. He will argue he is a house husband and the law could enable him to get 80% of the family “pot” of savings. It’s a very unfair system. This relationship is abusive and toxic. At the least it’s financial abuse. It’s no life. So sorry for you. Hugs.

MeTooOverHere · 28/09/2025 03:51

Autumn1990 · 27/09/2025 10:57

if you think you’re going to split it’s probably best to do it sooner than later and if possible get him out to works first. Although I think that will be difficult

and do it now while he's still under the care of the mental health team.
Make them work for it.

MeTooOverHere · 28/09/2025 03:54

Allthatshines1992 · 28/09/2025 00:16

Can't he go and live in a shared house or studio flat somewhere? What would happen if you just sold the TV?

Show quote history

sell the car first - he doesn't use it and "we" can't afford it.
then arrange an accident for the tv - oops, can't afford to replace it.
sabotage the sofa when you get a chance.

MeTooOverHere · 28/09/2025 03:55

Squigglydums · 27/09/2025 22:02

From what you have said OP it does sound like he is functioning well, as he gets all off his chores done within the first hour!!!

He has offloaded most of them and just does a few.

cool4cats2020 · 28/09/2025 05:08

Clearly he still has some severe mental health issues. Do his support team realise that he literally spends his entire day's stuck to the sofa (might they be assuming this description is an exaggeration?)

What does he actually do to stimulate his mind whilst on the sofa, or is he just staring at the wall for 15 hours a day?

What meds is he on? They aren't working, so he needs to get off them.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/09/2025 05:44

shuggles · 27/09/2025 20:27

But that's normal in traditional relationships. The breadwinner earns the money, and the homemaker does the budgeting. It's normal in places like Japan where traditional relationships are still common.

Show quote history

Surely, in a traditional relationship, the breadwinner earns the money and the homemaker does everything else, including school runs and all the cooking. He seems very selective about what he will and won't do.

LoftyRobin · 28/09/2025 07:43

Catsknowbest · 27/09/2025 22:39

Well let's hope then that the OP's MH survives this...........thats in response to Lofty's latest comment about "for some people it just doesn't work like that"

Edited

It doesnt work like that because they are disabled by their mental health problems. OP can leave but to burn the sofa, sell his car, call him names, and keep cajoling him to do what he cannot do, that is abuse. He cannot be the man he was. OP needs to accept that and decide what is best gor her and the kids.

Looploop · 28/09/2025 07:46

The OP is being treated like his slave. And sadly the divorce laws will benefit him further. She deserves to have a life!

LoftyRobin · 28/09/2025 07:47

KeebabSpider · 27/09/2025 21:49

OP said "depressive episode" are you suggesting she doesn't know and that you can give a different diagnosis based upon what she's told us?

Show quote history

I am suggesting that someone with long term weekly input with mental health teams has a serious mental health condition. You wouldn't have that level of input with simple unipolar depression. He is very, very unwell with a chronic mental health condition. He is disabled.

imisscashmere · 28/09/2025 07:59

IridiumSky · 28/09/2025 01:00

The solution is obvious: Destroy the sofa.

I’ve never heard anything so bloody ridiculous. What a way to live.

Honestly, this! You feel trapped and helpless but you are not.

TELL HIM to get off the fucking sofa. He has one month to get a job or you will (insert your own actions but here are some ideas):

take an axe to the sofa
put a brick into the TV
take the kids and move in with your parents
initiate a divorce
sell the house

etc.

And do it.

Find your rage and change this terrible situation. For yourself and your kids.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/09/2025 08:07

I’d stop doing anything for him.

food shopping for you and the teens, all locked away.

cooking for you and the teens; he makes his own.

laundry/cleaning for you and the teens only.

file for divorce, force sake of the house.

Ratafia · 28/09/2025 08:08

MeTooOverHere · 28/09/2025 03:54

sell the car first - he doesn't use it and "we" can't afford it.
then arrange an accident for the tv - oops, can't afford to replace it.
sabotage the sofa when you get a chance.

Show quote history

I doubt the accident to the TV will solve the problem, he'll start watching everything via the computer..

Timble · 28/09/2025 08:27

I read all of your updates and you’re incredibly patient and kind to be three years in and just now knowing something needs to change. Depression is awful, it takes a lot from you and changes you, however, steps should be taken to get a semblance of normal life. If I were in your shoes I’d be at the stage of saying to Dh ‘there are things you need to start doing every day otherwise I can’t stay in this marriage’ they can be small - if he can’t face taking the kids to school as the interaction with other parents is too much then he just goes for a walk. Starting small maybe 20 minutes every day. a routine. He finishes housework, does his walk then he can rest. He could do the ironing sat on the sofa. Most boards go down quite low. He needs to cook a meal every other day. Help the children with their homework. If he point blank refuses to even try one small thing then I think you know the answer. You’ve done all you can and your life and your children’s lives will be damaged by staying. I’d also ask to speak to the professionals dealing with him, ask for support on how to help him and be upfront and honest about his current state as they may not be aware.

Looploop · 28/09/2025 08:46

What if you got sick, OP? Who would carry your load? His refusal to do anything is putting the family in a precarious situation.

As for finances, if you file for divorce you will discover pretty quickly that “his” savings belong to you both. Even so, he could claim a share of more of them as a non-earner. Who is paying the mortgage?