Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

From what you have said OP it does sound like he is functioning well, as he gets all off his chores done within the first hour!!!

How is that functioning well what he does is get the bare minimum done in that whole massive 1 hour then sits off for 23 hours a day. Not really functioning.

Easy enough when his only 'chores' are breakfast dishes and sticking the washing machine on...op does EVERYTHING else!

He’s threatening to kill himself if I leave him. It would financially screw me over pension-wise etc as I’m the higher earner.
And, I guess, I still care about him (we’ve been married 17 years), though I have toyed with the thought of leaving more and more recently. When I say something it usually ends in him storming out, saying he’ll go and kill himself now, and disappearing for hours (he’s got no family he has contact to, and no friends, so who knows where he is going).
He’s had a tough time, loss of three family members in six months which led to this, so I tried to be as supportive as possible to help him get back to living. However, I’m not going to continue like this indefinitely.
I am going on holidays on my own, out on my own at weekends and only cook for myself already etc.

Sorry to hear that it’s a really tough decision usually the ones who say it don’t mean it but I guess you don’t want to find out. I hope you have some support and enjoyment in your life.

You are entitled to a happy and fulfilled life OP. You cannot sacrifice your life and happiness for someone who doesn’t seem to be making much of an effort to help themselves. Frankly he’s taking advantage of you. Having suffered from severe depression myself, I did everything possible to try and resume a normal life. His life on the settee is just not acceptable.

Read him the riot act and follow up with some draconian measures. He will soon wake up

This would drive me crazy !

Stop going home at lunchtime
Take packed lunch & do something else instead

Seek advice from a family solicitor & plan your exit

He must be seriously unfit if he does zero exercise

Does he have sofa sores ?

Book a weekend away for you & kids

Leave him on sofa

You drop the kids off at school and pick them up whilst your husband does, nothing

Doesn't seem like a very fair trade

He sounds depressed and is rotting away on the sofa, it sounds like a very miserable life for all involved

You are married to Jim Royle.
You are all wasting your life away, literally. You are doing your children no favours by waiting till they’re older and they will be so much happier out of the house. A weight will be lifted from you. You can’t fix him but you can fix the situation for yourself and your children which you absolutely must do before you waste any of your time. Tell him you’re moving out. Tell him why and start looking for a cheaper place where you will all be happier and lighter, you deserve it as his mental health period must face taken its toll on you all too x

Well let's hope then that the OP's MH survives this...........thats in response to Lofty's latest comment about "for some people it just doesn't work like that"

In an earlier post I said I was just like him when I was comatose with prescription antidepressants. But actually I always took DC to and from school, did the laundry, shopping and cooking every night, helped with their home work and worked very very part time. I was often too shattered to work more than about six hours a week, but I did, and I dedicated my sofa time to researching ways to get well again. I hated being in that state.

Honestly, I think the drugs are ruining his motivation. He will get more active as he cuts down. DS was on Sertraline for anxiety and started cutting down earlier this year. He told me he'd started cycling to work or around London again. He hadn't had the energy to do that all the time he was on the higher dose. His physical energy and his drive are kicking back in.

You need to break/lose the tv remote at least…

Revolting. Call your solicitors tomorrow srart the divorce he will be gone by Xmas.

Your poor kids.

Sorry I have no useful advice, OP. Just sending you a hug and hoping you can get yourself and children out of this mess as soon as possible. You all deserve better. You've spent years doing your best for him. No one could expect more. I suspect your departure may trigger a miraculous recovery, at least to the level of being able to look after himself.

Speaking as someone who has lived through quite severe depression: I found I kept on going because I had to, even while I felt like a zombie or a robot making mechanical movements. I had some support but would never enslave someone else the way he's doing. He could choose not to.

But OP, have you spelled out to him how you feel? That you are absolutely sick to your back teeth of his inactivity? I think you should split up anyway but ge needs to hear why.

I would have that sofa outside in the garden (if you can get the lazy fucker off it) and burn it. Then I would serve him with divorce papers.

I’d have to leave and take the kids and rent somewhere or go and live with family? No way would I stay with this repulsive man.

Sounds like its already over op.

I'd get rid of the sofa (and any other sofas in the same room so he can't replace it). Put the sofa on ebay, marketplace, gumtree or freecycle. Alternatively, take it outside; smash it up; take the bits to the recycling centre; burn it.

He doesn't get up till 9am at the weekend - get the sofa out of the door at 8am, and gone/destroyed by 9am.

You can always redecorate too - take down curtains, remove the TV, put dust sheets everywhere and do a bit of sanding down and painting. Make the room unusable for a month or two.

I'd also get legal/financial advice so I knew where I stood in regards to savings, assets and getting him out of the house. And then I'd have a serious talk - specify what I want to happen and the timescale, and what the consequences are if he fails to change (or at least show effort and willing).

There’s only sofar you should go when watching daytime TV. This is a terrifying amount of sitting around. Plan a family walk. If he refuses I’d look elsewhere. My Grandparents wouldn’t allow daytime TV under any circumstances.

@Hadenough91625- I was you!

I had a depressed ex, who lost multiple jobs through it.

Every day I came in from work & he was on the fucking sofa, on his laptop, taking the absolute piss. Did fuck all. He had zero respect for me & just thought I’d continue to put up with his shite.

I gave him an ultimatum, saw a lawyer & eventually left him, taking DC (they were 7&12).

Yes I lost my home & many friends.

But bloody hell I got my self-respect back, the dead weight off my back & got rid of the utter resentment I felt towards him.

Six years later, I have a fantastic new partner & my life is immeasurably better.

Dont waste any more time on that waste of space cunt.

Well this this be a lesson. Do you really want children with this man and end up like OP. Even if you don't want children, don't waste your life with a lazy man. You will miss do many opportunities while he sleeps all day. As time goes on, you will accept this as the norm and also become lazy. You wake up 30 years later and wonder why you stayed.

😂