Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

No I would sell the sofa with the husband on it 😁! So during the 23 hours he's sitting on it when he is not doing something around the house.

OP, so sorry you and your children are going through this. What do you want to happen next? Do you want to keep trying to fix him? Probably is a lost cause! Or do you want to get out and save you and your children’s lives and wellbeing?
If so, I think you need to see a solicitor, get all your financial info lined up and plan your exit. I used to have a colleague in a similar situation. She was forced into full time work and had two children.
When she left her (useless) husband she rented a flat and claimed Universal credit.
He bought her out of the house as
part of the divorce (which she instigated). She’s never looked back.

Is he sitting eating all day on said sofa? As PP said it must be affecting his physical health as well as mentally. Is he overweight? You need to give him
an ultimatum either he gets some help to assess his mental health and changes his ways or the relationship will be over. What kind of example is he setting to your kids?

Getting over depression isn't that simple. It doesn't run its course then go away. Prople can still have debilitating depression and appear, on the surface, even to loved ones, happy. I've lived through the living on the sofa after brief bouts of frsmyic activity. Developing a form of agoraphobia. Brain fog, lethargy, a very small safe zone.
It's very difficult to break this cycle. It's not done deliberately to annoy you. But thst doesn't make it any easier to live with.
From experience, it takes time, patience snd a plan. Small steps. Setting very small tasks or goals. Just one at first, then add one more. Try writing it down, to be ticked off when done. Don't go into meltdown when it doesn't happen. Encouragment is better, more carrot than stick. But be firm.
Maybe start by being there and getting his help. Do something very short & simple together. Even if it's done with DH on the sofa, helping you fold something.
Then of course, there's professional help.
But if you're going to stay in your relationship, you're going to need to do something positive to help, regularly and with endless patience ( outwardly!) and humour.
I wish you well.

I am very sorry that you have to live this way. You deserve better.
He's not taking responsibility for his own health. He does not even do something as simple as take a walk every day.
I get the struggle when someone is depressed but there is a minimum one can do, even if it's just bringing the kids to school.
Someone needs to kick his a$$, literally.

I’m sure he does have depression but I’m also sure he’s a selfish knob. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. The cynic in me suspects his depression will miraculously improve once he no longer has anyone pandering to him.

Sorry op this sounds bloody awful how is he a house husband if he doesn’t do much? Does he know you’re not willing to break up the family unit? I cannot understand how he lives like this. Have you given him any ultimatums? I personally could not cope having a lazy bastard doing this to me and my kids. He obviously doesn’t care that much about his family as he’s just basically a waste of space you should be thinking of your own mental health. No wonder you feel resentment anybody would mental health is not get out of work, parenting and living card. He’s just basically lazy.

OMG, I could have written this (just no kids involved, and he does pretty much zero housework, sleeps half of the day snoring loudly). Three years here as well now. I don’t have any advice but I feel for you, I really do - it’s so damn annoying and I’m at the end of my tether.

I think you and your children deserve an awful lot more.

Life is short and this is no way to live.

Take care and good luck.

Are you happy to be celibate for the rest of your life? Of course, people do it, but is that what you want for yourself? Turn the focus on your needs and wants, not his.

As someone said upthread, how is your retirement going to pan out? Kids gone and just you and him? Going nowhere. Doing nothing. It sounds utterly miserable and lonely. Don't allow it to happen. Don't burden your young adult children with worrying about you and feeling guilty that you are stuck with him, which they definitely will.

Be brave. You have one life.

Sounds awful op. Ex dp was a weed smoker and had a particular chair he used to sit in next to the back door while he smoked. He would sit in that fucking chair from morning to night. I named it the throne of misery. One Christmas he did not move from the chair apart from 10 minutes to watch the dc open presents and a few trips to the toilet. He ate his dinner sat there.

We're separated 6 years now and I don't let him in my house mainly because I know he would make a beeline for the door and drag his chair over there. I think I actually have ptsd from it as just the thought of it makes my throat close up and waves of anxiety wash over me. He also thought he could give orders from his perch.

It's no way to live and you would be SO much happier without him. Start by making an appointment with a solicitor just to find out what steps to take.

No not at all. In fact, quite the opposite. If you're going to feel compelled to keep cajoling them to "fully function" for whatever reason, walk away. It isn't good for either of you. The problem is when you're led to believe that if they just did a, b and c, they'd be better or that the medication is meant to "restore normal function". It isn't at all. And many of those prescribed actually have limited evidence to prove their effectiveness.

Hi @Hadenough91625
Your post has made me so sad on your behalf. He has been ill but that does not give him agency to behave like he is.

it feels like you’re totally ground down and you’re just so angry now. Somehow you need to find ways to limit, if not stop this control he has over you.

can you stop the wifi/ internet in his area of the house?

can you relocate where you and your kids sit to another room/ area? Stop talking anywhere near him so he isn’t sure what you’re doing?

Stop cooking for him. Or put a plate near him of whatever you choose to make but not what he asks for.

I think I would almost ignore him/ look through him/ stop engaging.

is there a way you can gain more financial control?

I am so sorry you’re going through this and I wish you all the best xx

He just doesnt "have depression" to receive the level of care that he does. I dont know anyone, even professionally, who has that level of care with depression alone.

Crikey OP, you’ve got one life. One precious life. What are you going to do with it? Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time? Ten?

You are.enabling him. He's not required to do anything. You're all laughing at him. If he's well he ought to work Nd drive and have a family life. He's not doing his share or playing his part. You may a well be a happier single parent.

OP said "depressive episode" are you suggesting she doesn't know and that you can give a different diagnosis based upon what she's told us?

It’s unusual for someone to have that level of care for so long. I’ve been under the mental health team on and off for 6 years and they normally get me stable then discharge pretty quickly. It must be quite serious for them to still be involved.

You will end up being a carer for him as a reward for staying with his lazy arse. If he's treating his body this way now he's going to have a host of health issues to deal with.

Remove the sofa

Is it a fabric sofa? Next time he is in the bathroom or up from the sofa, spill a large drink over the part where he sits. Then it will be soaking wet and he won’t be able to sit back down on it.

other than that, I would organise a time when you can have a serious chat with him. Tell him exactly how you feel and go from there.

petsonally, I could not live like that. Life is far too short.

hey silver blue can I ask why you stay if no kids involved?

Not quite the same but alot of what you said OP really resonated with me. My DH had a mental breakdown 6 years ago. He took 4 months off work, spent 2 months in a psychiatric clinic and was very unwell. I had a 12 month old baby to take care of and was a SAHM having packed in my career. DH has been on medication ever since.
He does work (thank God) and has always had highly paid jobs until fairly recently. He got sacked and had to take whatever job he could get and the latest one pays half the salary. His current job means he has 2 hours of work per day and alot of free time. But 99% of that time is spent on the sofa. Usually on his phone or watching TV. It drives me crazy. I feel so resentful and angry.

Sorry crapola you are going through this. What amazes me is that people who have heart attacks, serious car accidents and still get up off the couch and do there best to work again some people hiding behind mental health issues to be able to do what they want.

In the throes, not throws. 👍