Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

716 replies

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 10:14

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

OP posts:
NellieElephantine · 27/09/2025 20:03

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:09

Oh not only do I know women like this in my personal life, I know them from my professional life, too. This is where I've heard that we cannot expect people with serious mental health conditions to make full recoveries and have the same expectations that we had of them before. They are disabled.

Show quote history

So does your 'professional experience' also advocate that those around them now must become their support human? That they are now devoid of any personal responsibility and must be waited on, and have every need met. Otherwise, other people are just awful to this poor, poor option less person?

Clarabell77 · 27/09/2025 20:05

I felt a bit sorry for him thinking he must still be depressed until I read your updates. He doesn’t have his own money/savings, any money you both have belongs to both of you jointly as marital assets. Have you not got equity in your property if you’ve been together so long? You need to get a lawyer, start divorce proceedings and make sure you get what you’re entitled to.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/09/2025 20:08

shuggles · 27/09/2025 16:20

I may be wrong, but all OP has said is that he is looking into stocks and shares.

If he is planning to buy individual stocks, then yes, this is effectively gambling.

If he is looking at how to open a stocks and shares ISA and start investing, then this is the antithesis of gambling. It's one of the safest and most sensible ways to turn money into more money.

Show quote history

I agree with you about the stocks and shares ISA.

But " He dictates to us all from the sofa. He makes all the financial decisions." is a bit concerning. it doesn't sound as if he consults her and she is currently the Breadwinner and pays the bills.

TipsyPeachSnake · 27/09/2025 20:09

The fact that you have now posted about this means you’re ready to do something…prepare plans to leave / separate maybe? I really don’t know what other options there are to change things. It’s all very sad.

Naanspiration · 27/09/2025 20:11

List his sofa for sale on eBay. Collection only.

Arrange for the buyer to come and collect at 8-9am on a weekday - while your husband is running around doing the dishes.

Problem solved.

HyggeTygge · 27/09/2025 20:13

Naanspiration · 27/09/2025 20:11

List his sofa for sale on eBay. Collection only.

Arrange for the buyer to come and collect at 8-9am on a weekday - while your husband is running around doing the dishes.

Problem solved.

No no no, that won't solve anything.
Get them to come when he's sat on it and say he's part of the deal...

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 27/09/2025 20:18

He sounds like something from a Dickens novel. Or Jabba the Hut. For your own sake and that of your children, I would give him an ultimatum. It's no way for any of you to live.

YerArseInParsley · 27/09/2025 20:21

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 10:14

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

You need to have a serious chat with him. Why can't he take kids to school and pick them up?

KurtCobainLover · 27/09/2025 20:22

I haven’t read all the comments but have read the OPs updates. Mental health isn’t always a smooth recovery, I used to be high flying in my career, house was always immaculate and financially on top of things. Then I had a breakdown and lost all of that, I’ve been bouncing back and forth to the mental health team ever since. I might look recovered as in I’m able to work part time but I will never get back to where I was which is heartbreaking at times.

That’s not to say that OP should stay - I think everyone has the right to walk away if it’s not working for them anymore.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 27/09/2025 20:23

I think in the short term, I'd stop using the room his sofa is in. I'd start hanging out in my bedroom. Since he's withdrawn from normal life, I'd withdraw from him. No cooking for him. No doing laundry for him (unless he does that already).

Let him have his sofa. You have your life as separate as you can make it. Friends. Social activities. You and the children.

shuggles · 27/09/2025 20:27

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/09/2025 20:08

I agree with you about the stocks and shares ISA.

But " He dictates to us all from the sofa. He makes all the financial decisions." is a bit concerning. it doesn't sound as if he consults her and she is currently the Breadwinner and pays the bills.

Show quote history

But that's normal in traditional relationships. The breadwinner earns the money, and the homemaker does the budgeting. It's normal in places like Japan where traditional relationships are still common.

NellieElephantine · 27/09/2025 20:28

shuggles · 27/09/2025 20:27

But that's normal in traditional relationships. The breadwinner earns the money, and the homemaker does the budgeting. It's normal in places like Japan where traditional relationships are still common.

Show quote history

How is this lazy sloth the homemaker?!

Naanspiration · 27/09/2025 20:32

HyggeTygge · 27/09/2025 20:13

No no no, that won't solve anything.
Get them to come when he's sat on it and say he's part of the deal...

Show quote history

The final twist - it was hubby that won the auction.

CharlotteLightandDark · 27/09/2025 20:34

I wonder what he tells his CBT therapist about how he spends his days? One of the elements would usually be around re engaging with valued activities in order to move out of the vicious cycle of avoidance/lethargy/low mood.
if he sees a therapist and CPN weekly he is getting a lot of support compared to many.

Inthebleakmidwinter1 · 27/09/2025 20:40

The question is what would he do if you weren’t around and facilitating his sofa life. Presumably he would have to push himself a little. I wouldn’t put up with this and whilst I wouldn’t be forcing him back to work he would be doing a bit more house stuff, some light mental health exercise such as a short walk, picking the kids up and starting to plan to work towards doing some volunteering. Not good for the kids to see an adult doing this. You are not unreasonable!

Daygloboo · 27/09/2025 20:40

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 10:14

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

He's only appearing ' happy ' because he is in his safe space. He hasn't solved any problems. Not even going for a walk for the sake of his own health ?? I think you should speak to a professional about it. To be honest, he probably needs to be in a different situation possibly with a new partner..And you need another life. I know people get annoyed on here when someone suggests autism, but dob ou know that one of the possible traits/ features of an autistic man is inertia. The ability to sit or lie for hours doing nothing. He probably needs a therapist who maybe specialises in autism so that he can gently come to understand himself and you can both move on and loive rhe lives you need to live.

KeebabSpider · 27/09/2025 20:44

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:09

Oh not only do I know women like this in my personal life, I know them from my professional life, too. This is where I've heard that we cannot expect people with serious mental health conditions to make full recoveries and have the same expectations that we had of them before. They are disabled.

Show quote history

I think a fair few people who have struggled with depression would take offence at this. Some people do make a full recovery. Your position essentially is to write people off.

Dymaxion · 27/09/2025 20:44

Just out of interest @Hadenough91625 are you there when the MH team see him weekly ? I am guessing you are at work ? So he could be telling them all sorts of stuff that isn't true. He might be telling them he does all the housework, regularly exercises, goes out etc when he does none of these things. I strongly suspect DH tells his specialist nurse a bunch of porkies when he sees her.

This thread really resonates with me because it is a similar situation to mine, DH was diagnosed with a long term condition 5 years ago and instantly became a sofa dweller, he does nothing other than watch TV all day everyday. This behaviour has massively exacerbated his symptoms and caused a significant deterioration in his health.Although to him it is a mystery why he has become so unwell.
I have tried to motivate/beg him to do things but he simply hasn't wanted to, because life is fine for him, he doesn't have to worry about doing anything, it is all done for him. The only difference between now and when we married is how much money he brings into the household. He has never done any housework, prioritised the children or cared much what anyone else wanted/needed as long as his needs were met. We haven't been intimate for over 13 years. I am older than you and I would advise you to get out now for your own sanity

Imbrocator · 27/09/2025 20:46

@Hadenough91625 I have just summarised your thread to my partner and he said “has she considered getting rid of the sofa?”

It sounds as if there are some hard choices you’ll need to make in the future but as other posters have said, you’ve taken things as far as you can in terms of getting him help - he needs to take the final step over the line and no one can do that for him except him. You and your children deserve to have a husband and father who is engaged in your lives. Hopefully he’ll understand that and find the motivation.

Dymaxion · 27/09/2025 20:48

Oh and when I was in the depths of post natal depression and suicidal, he did absolutely nothing, I remained the person who did all the housework ( no blue jobs in this house, all pink ), childcare, cooking. I even valeted his company car whilst DS was in a sling so he could take it back to swap for his new one !

jellyfish2121 · 27/09/2025 20:58

Is his name Onslow?

stickystick · 27/09/2025 20:58

The thing to do is hire a man with a van to come and take the sofa to the skip while your husband is out of the house or asleep.

Obviously he will go ballistic when he finds out but he will be left in no doubt that you have had enough.

Chainofgold · 27/09/2025 21:04

ladybirdsanchez · 27/09/2025 10:18

I would separate. I could not live with such a lumpen, unambitious slug as your DH. Of course he's happy with his life - he doesn't do a fucking thing! He just sits on his arse while you manage the kids and work and he does what? Nothing. He just sits there. I would have the massive ick about anyone like this.

Separation is never easy, splitting a home and finances, etc, hard for everyone. But you get one life OP. Is this how you want your one precious life to be? Oh and the first thing I'd do? Hand his car back. 1k miles a year? You don't need it, it's just a further drain on your finances, along with it's useless owner.

Edited

😂 well said

Chainofgold · 27/09/2025 21:05

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 10:14

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Show him this it might wake him up

shuggles · 27/09/2025 21:09

NellieElephantine · 27/09/2025 20:28

How is this lazy sloth the homemaker?!

Show quote history

He's a stay at home husband. That's what I said, it's normal for the husband or stay at home partner to do the finances and budgeting. Not the breadwinner. I'm not sure where you got that idea from that the breadwinner also does the budgeting.