Page 15 | Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

Hadenough91625 · 2025-09-27T09:14:52+00:00

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem. He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings. Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life) Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round. Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work. He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa. He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime. In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours. In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year. On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays. It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!. Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out. It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here? Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially . As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up. We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

ilovesushi · 27/09/2025 18:42

It sounds absolutely dreadful and disfunctional. It sounds like you have done everything you can and more. This is not a way to live for you or the children. At a certain point I think you just have to decide that you have done all you can, it's not enough (not your fault), and it's now negatively affecting you and them, and it's time to get out. xxx

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 27/09/2025 18:48

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 27/09/2025 18:05

Sounds hardcore depression to me. Especially to have that level of medical support.

@Hadenough91625 - the conventional wisdom on Mumsnet when a male partner has depression is to kick him to the curb. It's not depression, he's lazy; he needs to help himself; it's no life for you, put yourself first blah blah blah. (When the other round, the male partner is a shit who doesn't realise what a female OP is going through, that she birthed a human being, what about the marriage vows, that he must have caused the woman's depression et al).

I wish you both luck

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I think the difference is, I have never seen a female OP post:
'I had serious depression three years ago and had to give up my job. My husband stepped up and supported me. Now, I feel well enough to get up at 6.30am, zoom around for 1 hour to do the bare minimum chores, then I go back to the sofa for the entire day and get my kids to bring me things. I never do the school run, or see my children's events or go anywhere with them. My husband is the sole earner and sole carer for our children as well as the person who does most of the chores. I call him lazy.'

Everyonceinawhile · 27/09/2025 18:48

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 18:07

Please remember that although I am not an expert , I have been heavily involved with his recovery and all meetings eith doctors , nurses , therapy. I had to take complete control of everything when he was ill. I know everything there is to know about his medications and what to expect from his recovery.
For whatever reason this has not happened. He has not recovered to his original state. He is a different person. But I would no longer call him depressed. I do think his medication contributes to his flatness but I do not think that he would be so vocally involved with us all from the sofa if he was depressed.
He was withdrawn and not interested in anything before. Now he is over interested in everything we do as his whole life is within the home, he has nothing else.
That's where the dictating comes in. He feels he can tell me what to do or not do from the sofa.
If he had to go somewhere in an emergency or for his benefit he would. He just chooses not to for the rest of it, shopping , seeing friends, family, days out etc. I do it all. I take the kids away every half term! I'm sorry but I've just lost patience and sympathy and am really struggling now to see a light at the end if the tunnel

Suggest a session of marriage counselling so that this can be all brought out in the open and maybe it will be forcing him to change……

Do not take anymore ordered from this useless heap, by the way does he have dinner on the table for you and the kids when you get home

How long more can ye continue like this before ye are in danger of loosing the house or has the mortgage been paid off

CantBreathe90 · 27/09/2025 18:50

I don't understand how you haven't lost your shit at this! Aside from being unacceptable, it just sounds so very annoying!!

Years ago I lived in a house share of about 8 people. One of them had a few weeks off between jobs, and basically did what your husband is doing, in the communal lounge. Single tin of beer a day. On the sofa. Watching re-runs of Antique Roadshow. So, so, so annoying. Eventually one of the lads in the house lost his temper over it. I think he did apologise later, as the one watching television, wasn't doing anything wrong per se. But it was just so irritating, for reasons I can't fully articulate.

BeTealRaven · 27/09/2025 18:54

That sofa would be out in the garden on fire if it were me. I'd get up before him and burn the thing. That's a way to get him off it. He may even leave you - yippee.

arcticpandas · 27/09/2025 18:55

I have been depressed for over 20 years. Antidepressants work! They don't make life easy and shiny but they deal with the physical side of depression : you are finally able to get up, take a shower and go on with your life. @Hadenough91625 Your dh is physically capable of getting himself on track but he's not motivated. He's not motivated because there is no reason for him to do fuck all. You take care of the children and the household while he...sits.
Tell him straight out that you will not stick around for this anymore- you need a partner not an Al Bundy. If atleast he made some attempt to work on his physical and mental health: taking long walks, go to the gym/pool etc. And why are you doing the school run? This would be great for him to get out of the house, take responsability and meet people.

Donttellempike · 27/09/2025 18:58

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 17:56

I've reported more than one post on this thread for the comments. I replied to the comment you sent me. The man has active mental health issues and has far more contact with MH support than many other people with serious mental health conditions have. You saying it is in the past is just not accurate.

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Sanctimonious much

Donttellempike · 27/09/2025 19:00

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 18:07

Please remember that although I am not an expert , I have been heavily involved with his recovery and all meetings eith doctors , nurses , therapy. I had to take complete control of everything when he was ill. I know everything there is to know about his medications and what to expect from his recovery.
For whatever reason this has not happened. He has not recovered to his original state. He is a different person. But I would no longer call him depressed. I do think his medication contributes to his flatness but I do not think that he would be so vocally involved with us all from the sofa if he was depressed.
He was withdrawn and not interested in anything before. Now he is over interested in everything we do as his whole life is within the home, he has nothing else.
That's where the dictating comes in. He feels he can tell me what to do or not do from the sofa.
If he had to go somewhere in an emergency or for his benefit he would. He just chooses not to for the rest of it, shopping , seeing friends, family, days out etc. I do it all. I take the kids away every half term! I'm sorry but I've just lost patience and sympathy and am really struggling now to see a light at the end if the tunnel

You are going to have to ignite that light yourself OP. If you don’t , this is your life. Forever.

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:07

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 18:07

Please remember that although I am not an expert , I have been heavily involved with his recovery and all meetings eith doctors , nurses , therapy. I had to take complete control of everything when he was ill. I know everything there is to know about his medications and what to expect from his recovery.
For whatever reason this has not happened. He has not recovered to his original state. He is a different person. But I would no longer call him depressed. I do think his medication contributes to his flatness but I do not think that he would be so vocally involved with us all from the sofa if he was depressed.
He was withdrawn and not interested in anything before. Now he is over interested in everything we do as his whole life is within the home, he has nothing else.
That's where the dictating comes in. He feels he can tell me what to do or not do from the sofa.
If he had to go somewhere in an emergency or for his benefit he would. He just chooses not to for the rest of it, shopping , seeing friends, family, days out etc. I do it all. I take the kids away every half term! I'm sorry but I've just lost patience and sympathy and am really struggling now to see a light at the end if the tunnel

I think that whoever told you that he wpild definitely recover to a state where he is working etc was mistaken to do so. It doesn't work like that for a lot of people who require that level of support.

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:09

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 27/09/2025 18:48

I think the difference is, I have never seen a female OP post:
'I had serious depression three years ago and had to give up my job. My husband stepped up and supported me. Now, I feel well enough to get up at 6.30am, zoom around for 1 hour to do the bare minimum chores, then I go back to the sofa for the entire day and get my kids to bring me things. I never do the school run, or see my children's events or go anywhere with them. My husband is the sole earner and sole carer for our children as well as the person who does most of the chores. I call him lazy.'

Edited

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Oh not only do I know women like this in my personal life, I know them from my professional life, too. This is where I've heard that we cannot expect people with serious mental health conditions to make full recoveries and have the same expectations that we had of them before. They are disabled.

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:11

Phelicity · 27/09/2025 18:10

Yes LoftyRobin, just drop it, your comments are Ryan and contribute nothing constructive to the discussion. The OP herself has mentioned her DH’s weight, so it’s legitimate to refer to it in responses.

No it is not legitimate to call someone names because they are overweight. Knowing that someone is obese snt permission to start calling them a fat this and a fat that. Jesus people.

Donttellempike · 27/09/2025 19:14

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:11

No it is not legitimate to call someone names because they are overweight. Knowing that someone is obese snt permission to start calling them a fat this and a fat that. Jesus people.

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This is an anonymous forum and the OPs husband is not in it. So calm down

The OP does not have to incinerate her life to keep her husband warm for the rest of his life. And she had posted on here for support . Read the room

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:16

Donttellempike · 27/09/2025 19:14

This is an anonymous forum and the OPs husband is not in it. So calm down

The OP does not have to incinerate her life to keep her husband warm for the rest of his life. And she had posted on here for support . Read the room

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It doesnt matter if it is anonymous. It isn't ok. Someone online shouldn't have to teach you that.

Donttellempike · 27/09/2025 19:20

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:16

It doesnt matter if it is anonymous. It isn't ok. Someone online shouldn't have to teach you that.

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They don’t. You’re welcome

Tartantotty · 27/09/2025 19:23

Oh dear poor guy and all these unfeeling naive comments. He has the classic signs of deep depression: no energy, lethargy, being obese etc

You first step is to get him to a GP or speak to a GP yourself . A course of antidepressant meds will maybe help him, but also counselling (difficult on NHS but worth a private session).

LoftyRobin · 27/09/2025 19:25

Donttellempike · 27/09/2025 19:20

They don’t. You’re welcome

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Well I obviously have had to

MotherMary14 · 27/09/2025 19:38

Tartantotty · 27/09/2025 19:23

Oh dear poor guy and all these unfeeling naive comments. He has the classic signs of deep depression: no energy, lethargy, being obese etc

You first step is to get him to a GP or speak to a GP yourself . A course of antidepressant meds will maybe help him, but also counselling (difficult on NHS but worth a private session).

Maybe RTFT before calling posters unfeeling? He's already under the care of a mental health team but is about to be signed off from it.

HyggeTygge · 27/09/2025 19:40

Tartantotty · 27/09/2025 19:23

Oh dear poor guy and all these unfeeling naive comments. He has the classic signs of deep depression: no energy, lethargy, being obese etc

You first step is to get him to a GP or speak to a GP yourself . A course of antidepressant meds will maybe help him, but also counselling (difficult on NHS but worth a private session).

How on earth do you think that going to the GP is the "first step"?

I cannot comprehend how you could read OP's posts and think that is a worthwhile contribution.

BananaramaNananana · 27/09/2025 19:47

Have similar - but excuse is ASD/ADHD - yep but he's a SAHP apparently who does EVERYTHING as he tells anyone that will listen and I'm a lazy *! Yep right,,, There are a lot of them out there who have got too comfortable and don't like being told "no" and who are controlling and manipulative.

ArtesianWater · 27/09/2025 19:53

God I could not live like this. I think you have done all you can be reasonably expected to OP and need to find any way you can to separate. People with depression still have a responsibility to take steps to manage it via meds and lifestyle steps. He isn't even attempting to and he sounds borderline abusive too. I think you should get some practical advice from a lawyer about separation. Perhaps you could downsize to afford it?

NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 27/09/2025 19:56

Now he is over interested in everything we do as his whole life is within the home, he has nothing else.

My husband is like this. I think the depression has now morphed into anxiety. As I said, hes obsessed with the kids having enough food for their packed lunch, has been emailing the school, he was going to come to one of their meetings about their GCSE options. He's never offered before and hes never been on his own!
I think after 3 years if hes not showing any intention of even doing low level work- even in a charity shop volunteering then he isn't going to. You need to separate and he needs to live on his own. You can then do whatever you are prepared to do for the sake of your kids. I do worry that just by being here that I am enabling, and I think if my husband had to get up and do things on his own he would do. But he doesn't have to because I get the shopping, I pay all the bills, I take the kids to things, I tell him what to do etc.

ggloria007 · 27/09/2025 19:57

Sorry to be so direct... how is sex? Intimacy? I assume you don't have sex on the "sofa" but in the bedroom...

goody2shooz · 27/09/2025 19:57

Tartantotty · 27/09/2025 19:23

Oh dear poor guy and all these unfeeling naive comments. He has the classic signs of deep depression: no energy, lethargy, being obese etc

You first step is to get him to a GP or speak to a GP yourself . A course of antidepressant meds will maybe help him, but also counselling (difficult on NHS but worth a private session).

Oh fgs RTFT

NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 27/09/2025 20:00

ggloria007 · 27/09/2025 19:57

Sorry to be so direct... how is sex? Intimacy? I assume you don't have sex on the "sofa" but in the bedroom...

I would presume there is none. Anti depressants can make it hard to 'perform' at the best time but I cant imagine its particularly 'sexy' having a H who lives on the sofa!

Original poster

Hadenough91625 · 27/09/2025 20:02

We have separate bedrooms. He couldn't sleep at all during his bad times and we couldn't sleep in the same room. Luckily we had a spare room so he has been there for years. We are not intimate. We don't go near each other

OP posts: