Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

He is still depressed and his recovery has faltered. Part of the reason for that is that you, through kindness, have enabled him to live a rather comfortable life with no tangible detriment to him for not pushing himself forward with his recovery and out of his comfort zone.

If you would like to stay with this man, what need to happens are visible changes congruent with your change in circumstances - downsizing of the house, seller the car that is not being used, wholesale liquidation of assets that are non-essential. This way he will see that things change when he is not working - not silly stay the same.

However, if you have already got to the end of your tether, you should seek professional legal advice on separation so that the assets as they currently are split while you have them facilitating you both to fund independent lives with smaller properties post separation.

Either way, chang must be made or this situation will continue until you are bankrupt or you have worked yourself to the grave.

You have been duped into tolerating this because, like so much these days, it has been labelled as mental illness and therefore society gives him a free pass. He gets to set the agenda while you run around looking after everyone.

He is not acutely mentally unwell in any way that justifies his treatment of you and your poor kids. How must they feel having a father that can’t be bothered to get up and spend time with them? What is this teaching them about adult relationships and behaviour?

Eventually he will develop health issues from his obesity and sedentary lifestyle and you will end up as his carer. The resentment will destroy what remains of your life.

Leave.

Finances can be unmeshed but you won’t get your life back otherwise. You can always rekindle the relationship at a later date if he sorts himself out and is willing to behave like a responsible adult again (doubtful).

🤣🤣🤣

OP I feel for him if he has mental health issues but this is no way to live and you have the patience of a saint, I would have left years ago. You and the kids seem to live a completely separate life to him, what difference would it make leaving him. You don’t want your kids to think this is normal or acceptable. You only get one life, don’t spend yours with someone like this.

There’s no point telling him what to do. You have a clear evaluation of the situation. What is your decision? If it was me? I’d be going to see a solicitor get the house sold and getting half his assets pension et cetera. Just a question I don’t think you’ve said what mental health condition he had.

What kind of a life is this for you and your kids? I’m so sorry you feel like you’re stuck in this absolutely shit situation.

You would probably be entitled to benefits if you left him. I’ve read your posts and you don’t say if you’ve researched this, but maybe you should. If you and the kids left, surely he’d have no choice but to get off his big, fat, lazy arse and pack the house up to sell. You say teenagers, but if they’re still in full time education, you still get benefits for them, don’t you? You all deserve better than this.

No, it’s long enough and he seems to not be so depressed he’s not controlling her. He can get himself to the GP, if he’s actually genuinely depressed then he can rescue himself. In fact, if we believe he’s depressed then obviously being with OP isn’t helping so if’s time she sets herself free.

I agree that you should divorce him. He has checked out anyway so you are free to move on without guilt. You will have a smaller house/flat but be much happier. If you stay with him, the rage and resentment will make you seriously ill.

Your kids need a sane and healthy mum, so you need to divorce him for their sake

Depressed people don’t rush around for an hour doing jobs, and then dictate to their families from the sofa throne. Op already said that when he was depressed, he would just stare at the TV. He’s not doing that now.

He’s researching stocks and shares! You don’t do that if you are depressed.

I agree. They may joke with you about it but I bet they find it confusing and gloomy. Presumably they can’t/don’t have any friends round? And they see you carrying the family.

What was your DH like before his mental health crisis? It sounds to me that he is not recovered and happy at all, but has just emerged from the immediate crisis found an unhealthy coping mechanism, or not coping mechanism if you know what I mean. Is he on medication? If not he probably should be, if so he probably needs that reviewing.

There is no doubt that he is likely to develop metabolic syndrome and other health conditions soon if he hasn’t already. Has he had a full panel of blood tests including diabetes? He needs to face the reality of that.

Have you given him any ultimatum about changing if you are to stay?

He was a high earner and you were a SAHM.... he is unwell and he needs help not condescending and condemnation. Be kind and help him.

OP you say your 2 kids are teens but are they early teens or late teens? I would personally do this

1. Wait for kids to turn 18 / go to university
2. start squirrelling away money when possible, attempt to get better paid work
3. get a divorce lawyer lined up
4. get an estate agent lined up
5. the minute your kids are out of the house, sell it and start divorce proceedings.

Good luck. This sounds utterly fucking horrendous. Don't let it keep you down, remember it is going to be temporary and you will be free of it. Focus on that.

His MH was bad but now he sounds as if he's just got used to doing next to nothing all day, every day. He's only in his 40s, way, way too young to retire or to waste his life away on the sofa. I'm afraid he'd be getting a sharp kick up the bum from me, either he goes back to work or he leaves

When I go through a depressive episode I spend hours and hours “researching” shit.
He is suffering from depression, it just doesn’t look like it did before. Please encourage him to find more help

Because he was a high earner (over 3 years ago) OP has to put up and shut up?

As PP said, depressed people do not tend to rush around to get bare minimum done in one hour and boss people around from a sofa.

Yeah do this. Get your kiddos out and then get yourself out!

In the mean time think about how you want your life to be. Create your own hobbies, nurture friendships and essentially set up your own life so when you divorce him you’re already set.

The relationship is doomed by the sounds of things.

I feel for you, couldn't stand it either. All I would say is that there is quite a high threshold to be under a mental health team, is he on heavy MH medication? Some of those meds can make you lethargic and flat, could you mention it to his MH worker? That said, my patience would be wearing thin and i would be laying down the law. Also, take control, get shot of the car. Get the paperwork and just get him to.sign it, tell him you can't afford to carry on like this.

He is slowly killing himself in front of you., I couldn’t stay and watch.

I’d have one last ‘come to Jesus’ chat laying out the consequences of him carrying on as he is (which I wouldn’t expect to have any effect but I’d do it anyway) then I’d leave.

I would be being clear that I wasn't prepared to go on like this. And that if he needs to spend his future on the sofa, then ok, but it isn't a relationship that's going to work for you.

He is an absolute chancer, get rid of the car that you are paying for. Change the locks and toss him out.

He's abusive and controlling and he needs to rescue himself at this point, if that’s true. As does OP. Other sofas are available.

What was he like as a younger man OP? Has he ever had ambition, hobbies, friends?