Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Well that's how MH facilities are now unfortunately. There's not the resources to provide.

I didn't see this post before I posted mine. You've hit the nail on the head.

OP - If you think life with him is crap now - staying with him whilst he delves into stocks and shares gambling, is going to be 100% times worse. He will zone out of family life completely as he gets more addicted to it. It is literally the worst option for someone like him.

You really have to take back control.

Seconded.

It’s not clear to me whether he’s actually doing anything whilst on the sofa, watching TV, listening to music, reading, gaming etc or if he is just staring into space? I think there is a big difference and it’s not clear from your posts which this is.

I have no idea what you should do to bring about change. The theory is you can't change someone else's behaviour only your own. One solution is to leave but why should you. But don't let this go on for another 10 years.

Please think more about the terrible impact of staying with him on your children. (At the very least).

I wonder if you could work full time and earn more money if he could do the school run.

That would give you more to live on/save until you're ready to leave him.

OP is a far better person than me. I'd have 'his sofa' removed to the spare room and the other sofas removed by house clearance. If DH wanted to rot on a sofa I wouldn't want to have to see it or engage with it.

I'd then stop paying my half of the bills and wait for the mortgage company to come knocking and force a house sale. Even at a loss.

I spent four years where every morning I woke up and my first thought was 'why am I still here' but I was, and every day I forced myself to get on with life. I have children and they depended on me.

This fat lazy pig is a piss taker of the highest order, you deserve better.

He cn choose to do this but you can choose to not. Have you had a conversation about this? Bout the initial depressive episode that Is still ongoing as this behaviour has now become normalised. It sounds as if you are all just existing and not living. Do you not want to enjoy life with him or even without him?

Have you not had a conversation about him starting up work again? As you can only take him at his word and he said he would.

sell the sofa
replace with hard chair

I feel your pain OP, I’m in a similar situation but my DH was 57 when he stopped working. I can’t imagine how it would’ve been if he’d been in his 40s.

You do know that I have never met this man or told him what I think of him, yes?

I have not 'started in' on him, whatever that means. I have an opinion and this is a forum. His MH issues are in the past. The OP has stated this.

It sounds as though your DH is definitely still suffering from a MH illness - this does not mean that you have to continue to put up with it. In fact, if you tell him you can’t put up with it and he needs to go it might actually be the catalyst for him getting the help he obviously needs.

MH issues are not an excuse to check out of family life. I’ve had significant depressive epsiodes in my life, some post babies. It was never feasible that I couldn’t get up, feed and clothe my kids, get them to school and ensure their home was clean and food was ordered. For certain periods I did just go to bed during the day once I have done the essentials, but I also sought help, medication, therapy to make sure my children were looked after.

OP your DH doesn’t feel he has to step up because he has you to do all that. A short sharp shock of separation/prelude to divorce might give wake him up and enable you to repair the marriage, or it may enable you to end the marriage and move on without him. But you can’t continue as you are. I’m afraid I would issue an ultimatum… it was what I feared my DH would do when I sought help to address my own MH issues.

You can't make him change OP but you can stop enabling his behaviour. Most people would like to opt out of working and lounge around watching TV 24/7 but the reality is that they don't have partners that will enable them to.

I'd be having a firm discussion that enough is enough and he starts paying his way or he's out. This isn't poor mental health, it is laziness.

I may be wrong, but all OP has said is that he is looking into stocks and shares.

If he is planning to buy individual stocks, then yes, this is effectively gambling.

If he is looking at how to open a stocks and shares ISA and start investing, then this is the antithesis of gambling. It's one of the safest and most sensible ways to turn money into more money.

Should she have been? He does fuck all now that she is, she's still picking up the majority of the home and child related labour. I don't see him taking the pressure off HER, in fact he's added to it.

You have 4 sofas in your lounge, that's a lot of sofas!

I didn't say they weren't!

OP you know this too: you need to leave him. Speak to a solicitor and make a plan. Please do this and fast, before he ‘invests’ all your money in risky stock, or gambles it away. You have given this man enough time to get better, feel better, and do something with his life again. He has been a worthless husband and a terrible role model for the children. I don’t say this lightly, but leaving him is the only solution here. I wish you lots of strength, you sound like you can do this!

What would happen if you and the kids just went away for the week in October half term? You're perfectly within your rights to and your kids certainly deserve to get away from that.

He needs to know how unfair it all is and that it's no kind of life. You should be living a rich, active, varied life with things to talk about, intimacy and proper sharing of the domestic and earning load.

He does sound depressed, even if he says otherwise. No one would choose to live like that

Perhaps he is still depressed, but people do live like that. My ex would happily never leave the house and sit playing video games all day and most of the night. He had to go to work because his parents chucked him out, but apart from work, he does nothing but sit. No walks, gets his parents to do his shopping, etc.

OP, I would guess most of this is behavioural/choice. The longer it goes in, the more entrenched it becomes. Tell his MH team in detail what he does and how limited his life is, so you’ve then covered any MH aspects. Then tell him you can no longer afford the house if he’s not going to work. I’d then tell him it makes more sense to sell and rent so you can look for the right house. Then, once you have the equity from the house, split it 50/50, find somewhere to rent short-term - then walk out and leave him there if he hadn’t changed. You’ll already have your 50% of the equity and you can instruct solicitors to get half his pension and savings. You can’t go on like this - and it might be the impetus he needs to change. Why would he change now? He has no reason to - give him one…

Id tell him he needs to get a job. Really bad for him (or anyone) physically and mentally.

I would look at coercive control and financial control. He’s well out of order.

You can separate from anyone at anytime regardless of their health status - you have no obligation to stay with someone who has diabetes, COPD, depression.

Just say you are not compatible and move on.

Do some quiet information gathering - and seek legal advice before you take any action.

You are not leaving with nothing - you have at least half the house (which sounds substantial) - more of you leave now as you will be housing 3 people. You have half ‘his’ savings - and ‘his’ pension pot. They are not ‘his’ - it is marital / family money accrued whilst you worked hard at being a SAHM to support him to earn these savings.

But as others have said these will likely decline.

You are not compatible and you will be his carer very soon - and that will be harder to off-load.

@Hadenough91625 please listen to posters like @KeebabSpider rather than those who are on the 'he's a poor soul' bandwagon.

the impact of this on your children in terms of their emotional well-being and mental health will be significant. I would absolutely separate and get on with my life.