Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

So presumably he either resigned from or was dismissed from his previous job, but he’s not permanently incapacitated for work if he’s recovered?

I’d be telling him he needs to get another job, I appreciate it won’t be easy, but that he needs to at least put the effort in. If he won’t, then I’d leave. He’s a lazy useless sod, and if all he does is an hour a day’s housework, it’ll be easy for you and the kids to manage.

MH team doesn’t just draw out heavy duty drugs. It works with the man and will certainly be talking to the family but for me it’s irrelevant. We don’t know if he’s got MH issues or not. We don’t know if he’s on medication or not. it’s all irrelevant. What is irrelevant? Is that the children are suffering every single day forget the advice of wait until they’re 18. The damage will be done by then. Let them see their mum taking action now you say it’s a big house. Google house is half the price. See what you get. I think you’d be more than 50% actually.

The symptoms of depression and unique to each person.

I've read half of the replies as been out shopping with daughter
Just in response to alot of suggestions: we have already tried everything to help him

He sees his nurse once a week, he has cbt once a week. He is medicated and closely monitored. He sees a psychiatrist. Everyone has done everything and more to help.

He is way past seeing the GP, he has multiple professionals involved.

We have all encouraged him to do more, to get out etc. He flatly refuses. In the summer he is a little better and will do a bit of gardening but only if he is 100% OK. He does do housework but he gets it all done in the first hour of the day as quick as possible so that he can get on the sofa!!!

We go everywhere and to everything without him. Always ask him to come, he just says no

And plenty of people still have depression and don’t have the luxury of being able to sit on their arse 15 hours a day.

And yes there are obviously still issues, but why should the rest of us live like this forever? He has completely stagnated for nearly 3 years, no progress, no change whatsoever. I don't expect to see any more improvement

Pretty unusual presentation of depression. Regardless, she is still allowed to walk if the situation continues to damage her life and her children's lives. She is not a live in slave. Her husband's previous earnings are entirely irrelevant.

Well I would set out changes I expected to see within a timeframe. If not met I would be off. I wouldn't live like this. What a lazy unattractive man.

If no one can find a reason for his behaviour - autism, mental health, depression? - then I would wonder what you are or the DCs are getting from living with him. You could meet someone else if you left and have a happy and fulfilled life?

I hear you. What do you want?

What do you think would happen if he no longer had access to that sofa and Wi-Fi? Would he just stay in bed all day instead?

That's no excuse. OP has gone out to work since....

Many people have depression that excuse simply isn't good enough. OP is a wife and a mother. He sounds lazy! And OP doesn't have to live like this.

He needs to speak to any GP and get on some meds. With depression you do also have to pull yourself together to some extent and it isn't fair on OP or their kids is it? Sounds miserable!

In what circumstances can he possibly feel justified over the last three years to call you lazy - seriously, what??

I would hide a tv wire/ block WiFi. What a lazy slug!

I bet you did all the hard baby/ toddler years as a sahm and now he's saying he's a sahp and he's not even doing the school runs.

You have to leave, no way to live if you're only 40!

If he is well enough to call you lazy whilst barking orders from the sofa, he is well enough to be left. LTB

What kind of half life is this, for either of you? Do you not have friends over or the kids have theirs over? It must be mortifying for your teenagers.

Despite the difficulties, you need to make plans to separate. Your life sounds like hell and you’re only in your 40s. You’ve done more than most by putting up with this for 3 wretched years. It’s time to accept your marriage is dead in the water.

He's seen weekly and is medicated. They are not in the past at all. The medication has meant he can cheerfully sit in the sofa all day. That maybe the best it will get. Think of it like a physical disability. If someone with a spinal injury can no longer do stairs, you'd understand that while they have some mobility, that is too much to expect. This is the extent of their recovery.

The big test is if this lifestyle suddenly changes if there is a football match or stag do he wants to attend

Or a new woman: Has the OP ever considered that he's checked out of their marriage and her?. I can bet that if a new woman came along he'd be off that sofa, back working and suddenly mentally well in a flash! I say this because if I was with a man who I actually fancied, loved and cared about, there would be absolutely no way I would want them to see me sitting on my arse on the sofa all day- I'd be mortified! If I didn't give a shit about them and was checked out, I wouldn't care! And I also say this as women just never seem to think that they might be the problem!

I suffer from extreme depressive episodes where I can actually sit on the sofa for six months or so.
But, if my husband felt so sad and fed up, and if we had kids, firstly I would hate myself (as I do) for doing it to him, and secondly I would (and do) recognise it and fight it so fucking hard.
it’s horrible. yes, the sofa becomes your safe space, I really get it, but despite how one might feel, it literally is not all about the depressed person.
Even admitting it, saying it out loud, apologising for what you wish wasn’t true, but is. At least acknowledging that you are part of a family and will therefore try really bloody hard to make things better for everyone else?
Depression, is a horrible, horrible thing to live with, but many of us who suffer, try really fucking hard for the people we love.
If he isn’t willing to do that, you need to put yourself and your children first x

This is awful to read. You and your dc deserve more than a lazy lump stagnating all day.

Every married person's finances are enmeshed, that does not mean you can't unmesh them.

He is getting a load of support from hcps, he needs to do something even if it's the school run. Can't he get back to his high earning job?

Mental health is like physical health, yes it can be challenging but doing nothing should never be an option.

Kick him out .

If you feel you can no longer be his 'Support Human' (I learnt this description from MN) then there is no shame or guilt in no longer being that.
Loads of anecdotes and advice on this thread you can cherry pick from but, ignoring him and his needs/wants for a minute, you are completely correct in stating that you (as a mother of 2 teens) have had enough.
I also feel you know deep down that you need to protect your teens from his manipulation of you (and therefore, the whole family set up). Because that's how I see his behaviour (from your posts) and he doesn't seem to want (or need) to help himself.
Advice here to start planning your exit is sound.
Your teens are learning that 'playing victim gets reward'.

It’s a possibility that, if this situation continues, you will find yourself suffering from depression (if you aren’t already), so take some positive action now to change things for the better for you and your children.

Get rid of the sofa for a start! Get someone organised when he’s out at an appointment to come and take it to the tip!

Honestly, just drop it. There are other posters on here calling him a slug and a cunt. Me expecting this person to get off his 'fat duff' is my actual reaction I stand by 100%. OP is a saint to put up with this asshole. Just go and 'educate' some other poor fucker FGS.

I've reported more than one post on this thread for the comments. I replied to the comment you sent me. The man has active mental health issues and has far more contact with MH support than many other people with serious mental health conditions have. You saying it is in the past is just not accurate.