Page 9 | Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

Thepebblesareblue · 2025-09-27T08:00:09+00:00

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said. What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing. The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own. I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be. Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 02/10/2025 09:25

Dery · 27/09/2025 09:27

I’ve said it a few times on threads recently but becoming a father really sorts the men from the boys. Sadly, sounds like your husband is still a boy who doesn’t like no longer being the centre of your attention.

The early years of parenting are very demanding and hard on the couple relationship. Responsible adults in a healthy relationship who’ve just brought an additional, very dependent human into the world recognise this and proceed accordingly - they don’t just cut and run.

And even if there’s no specific other woman, he’s almost certainly had his head turned by the lifestyle of colleagues who don’t have pressing family commitments.

Sorry you’ve been so badly let down, OP. How painful and disappointing for you.

I agree with every word of this. Faced with the first challenge in a marriage, this weak and selfish man has simply given up. I can only send OP hugs and sympathy.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/10/2025 09:29

Thepebblesareblue · 01/10/2025 23:40

Update, I’ve found a condom in his wallet. He doesn’t know how it’s got there, apparently. Isn’t even being kind to me about it or honest - continuing to double down, refusing to engage further and saying our marriage isn’t in a good place. Shocked is not the word

Yet another man who puts his cock before his family, his own child.

Really, blokes like these are barely human.

Unicornsandprincesses · 02/10/2025 09:33

In 7,8 years I think every thread I’ve read that’s started out like this has ended with the husband seeing another women, in love with a work colleague or visiting a sex worker

CoffeeSparkle · 02/10/2025 09:33

He was the baby in this scenario and now he's acting it out again.

Original poster

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone. Reeling. He’s become really quite mean and someone I don’t recognise since I told him I’d found it. He’s saying things like ‘there is no infidelity, but you can choose your own version of that’. I asked him to leave because he is twisting things. I told him he has held me in a place of instability for too long and that the treatment is wholly unacceptable and he has accused me of gaslighting him and said he’s worried I’m going to make false accusations. I don’t really know how to respond from here, I am so shocked.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 02/10/2025 09:42

All of us knew this wasn’t about you. Being at the end of your tether. Having PPD. Needing your partner to take over the running of the house (hell, I’ve had cancer the past year and Dh did a lot of the school runs, all the running to sports and activities in the evening, all the housework and I was pretty much in bed, this is normal when you are a team). None of this is about what you could have done better. This is obviously all on him.

3456DDF · 02/10/2025 09:42

How have YOU gaslighted HIM??

That is pure gaslighting behaviour!!

Ask him for specifics rather than him just throwing that word around when he obviously is too thick to know what it means

RedToothBrush · 02/10/2025 09:44

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone. Reeling. He’s become really quite mean and someone I don’t recognise since I told him I’d found it. He’s saying things like ‘there is no infidelity, but you can choose your own version of that’. I asked him to leave because he is twisting things. I told him he has held me in a place of instability for too long and that the treatment is wholly unacceptable and he has accused me of gaslighting him and said he’s worried I’m going to make false accusations. I don’t really know how to respond from here, I am so shocked.

You don't respond apart from to tell him to leave.

Even if there is no other woman he is looking for a better offer and a way out. Give him the one way ticket he is looking for.

Longjongold · 02/10/2025 09:46

I think it’s time to switch to text, state clearly in writing that after seeing the condom and the comments he has made (quote them) you would rather he leave and you don’t appreciate him saying you are gaslighting.

His accusation is a confession! He is the one trying to gaslight you which is why I think it’s good if you put somethings into writing and don’t engage in a verbal back and forth.

He is going to try and twist your reality of what you’ve seen and maybe eventually even completely deny things. So start keeping a written record via text or email of what has been witnessed and what he has said etc.

Glitterberries · 02/10/2025 09:49

@Thepebblesareblue he knows you’re not gaslighting him or doesn’t know the meaning of it. Seems like the other way around. Start getting yourself and DS together to get the support you need. It won’t get better as a previous poster said go into mama bear mode. Get stuff for DS sort out documents make sure you know where everything is. If you’re really going through with this start organising your mails, changing passwords etc. children are expensive! Sort out bills, emergency money for childcare care if you dare fall sick. I could go on but you get the idea. Keep your head high x

lechatnoir · 02/10/2025 09:50

What an arsehole but again, wholly predictable and following the script to the letter. Your only response should be clear & to the point: You broke up our home and our family, not me. I have no idea what you're on about with false accusations so stop twisting things. Pack your bags and leave this house today while I go and deal with the repercussion of your behaviour.

And then move quickly to tell your friends and family what's really happened and speak to solicitor - TODAY.

Alwaysinamood · 02/10/2025 09:51

So sad, as soon as I read the first post it was obvious there was someone else involved

Narcises2012 · 02/10/2025 09:52

I am very sorry OP. Trust your gut that he doesn't have affair. It is important to have trust in relationships. It is very common for young families to go through phase where they feel very down, unable to accept such a big change. I understand that your baby is 9 months young, but in general terms everything is still new and forever changing circumstances, routines can be hard to navigate. This is that crucial point where it becomes harder then ever. Usually one person will experiance more upset then the other and fathers too can have post natal depression ( even after 9 months of having baby). Be as much supportive as you can, it appears he is struggling emotionally. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you - I bet he does, because you sound very genuinely concerned about him and your little family. Please also do not neglect your own emotional needs. It is very easy to quit everything, yet both of you won't have fixed anything by doing that. If you both love and respect one another then you should speak to someone, and if you both will still feel that it is best to part the ways afyer counseling, then at least you both will have conclusive understanding why. I hope you both will be able to ride it out and be more united then ever. Wishing you patience and love.

Change2banon · 02/10/2025 09:54

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You know he’s having an affair, he knows you know he’s having an affair. He’s trying to cover his back as he doesn’t want others to know the real reason for your marriage break up, he doesn’t want to look the bad guy, especially as your baby is so young.

He’s a piece of shit, he’ll regret this in time, I hope by then you’ve moved on and are happy.

Suusue · 02/10/2025 09:55

Get rid of him. He is a selfish asshole. You will be far far better off without a man child like him. Hes not fit for purpose. A total insult to you and your baby.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 02/10/2025 09:55

You are gaslighting him and he is worried you are going to make false accusations? Fuck me, how you did not laugh in his face I do not know, you are a far better person than me. He is so beyond full of shit, you caught him with a condom he cannot explain.
He is a slippery fucker, I will give him that. Todays first job is to speak to a solicitor. Do that now. He is way ahead of you on this, you need to catch up.

TangerinePlate · 02/10/2025 10:00

@Narcises2012 you must be OP’s “D”H

if it walks like a duck,quacks like a duck…

Seriously? Condom fell from the sky and lodged itself into poor guy’s wallet and he knew nothing about it 🤦‍♀️

@Thepebblesareblue OP please look for some support in reality. It’s obvious your H is lying to you while making out you’re the one with issues.
Look what he does not what he says. Words are cheap.

Look after yourself,good luck 💐

Katiesaidthat · 02/10/2025 10:01

Roselily123 · 02/10/2025 01:54

This sounds so familiar- probably happens a lot.
we only hear about couples who fail.
Most just muddle through
I was totally sleep deprived and could have fell out with my own shadow
my dh took the brunt and we fell out
looking back we could have got through it, but neither of us had any real support- we both had lost our own mothers in our teens.
my advice would be to ride it out.
Try and make yourself happy without putting pressure on your dh.
if there is a ow, it’s just a distraction and doesn’t mean anything - bit like comfort eating.

It doesn´t mean anything???? It sure as hell does.

Daaaaahling · 02/10/2025 10:02

He's scum. I'm so sorry. .

This will be a terribly difficult period. But in time I truly believe you will be better off. The person you don't recognise is his true self. And that's noone you want to be married to, not now but not in the many other stages of life, some of which are even more vulnerable. You have youth and so many possible futures. Somebody this selfish and dysfunctional will have been bringing you down. I can read in the way you desperately search for reasons why you are actually to blame for his despicable behaviour. Those are his ideas, his words that he's infused into you - you'll be so much better off without such a malign influence on your sense of self esteem, your perception of what's really going on.

I agree with another poster, stop speaking to him face to face. Only written messages, matter of fact. Be open and frank, don't protect him from the truth - tell all of your mutual acquaintances that he has decided to end your marriage and you found a condom in his wallet that he "doesn't know how it got there". You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Do as others have advised and gather the information you need on his finances, working arrangements etc. I imagine he works somewhat less than you believe, as some of that time "at work", probably even entire trips and weekends, were actually spent with his mistress.

As others have said, don't vacate the house.

"The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat" is the book people are referencing it. It may help you to feel grounded and predict his behaviour. Everything may feel out of the blue but he is in fact following a script... you can get a few pages ahead of him.

lechatnoir · 02/10/2025 10:03

Longjongold · 02/10/2025 09:46

I think it’s time to switch to text, state clearly in writing that after seeing the condom and the comments he has made (quote them) you would rather he leave and you don’t appreciate him saying you are gaslighting.

His accusation is a confession! He is the one trying to gaslight you which is why I think it’s good if you put somethings into writing and don’t engage in a verbal back and forth.

He is going to try and twist your reality of what you’ve seen and maybe eventually even completely deny things. So start keeping a written record via text or email of what has been witnessed and what he has said etc.

Edited

Sensible advice. If he's going to be twisting the narrative this early you need to keep everything in writing including reference to what has been said already

Katiesaidthat · 02/10/2025 10:03

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone. Reeling. He’s become really quite mean and someone I don’t recognise since I told him I’d found it. He’s saying things like ‘there is no infidelity, but you can choose your own version of that’. I asked him to leave because he is twisting things. I told him he has held me in a place of instability for too long and that the treatment is wholly unacceptable and he has accused me of gaslighting him and said he’s worried I’m going to make false accusations. I don’t really know how to respond from here, I am so shocked.

I think this is what you call DARVO, deflect, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Others will have practical advice, but I think this is the point you stop trying to figure him out. His actions speak loud an clear. Forget his words.

Fionuala · 02/10/2025 10:05

he sounds like a prat and a child.
probably you are better off without another one to care for at the moment and to get out while you can.
If he can't support you at this time when can he?

Happyjoe · 02/10/2025 10:05

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone. Reeling. He’s become really quite mean and someone I don’t recognise since I told him I’d found it. He’s saying things like ‘there is no infidelity, but you can choose your own version of that’. I asked him to leave because he is twisting things. I told him he has held me in a place of instability for too long and that the treatment is wholly unacceptable and he has accused me of gaslighting him and said he’s worried I’m going to make false accusations. I don’t really know how to respond from here, I am so shocked.

Attack is a form of defence. Am so sorry OP, I really am. Please please don't let him lay blame at your feet and be kind to yourself.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/10/2025 10:05

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone. Reeling. He’s become really quite mean and someone I don’t recognise since I told him I’d found it. He’s saying things like ‘there is no infidelity, but you can choose your own version of that’. I asked him to leave because he is twisting things. I told him he has held me in a place of instability for too long and that the treatment is wholly unacceptable and he has accused me of gaslighting him and said he’s worried I’m going to make false accusations. I don’t really know how to respond from here, I am so shocked.

You need to hold firm. You know what you know and feel. DO NOT allow him to deny your feelings / thoughts.

You know you can't trust him now. Hold firm in your thoughts/feelings. And continue telling him to leave.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/10/2025 10:07

If anyone watched the police panorama thing last night - for me it kind of summed up my feelings about a lot of men in this day and age - I would honestly estimate around 30% of blokes are exactly like those men named and shamed on the documentary - absolute sheep, shallow as fuck, would take any opportunity for a fuck , happy to banter along to sleazy shit and care only about themselves and happy to twist their abhorrent behaviour when caught out - I’m so sorry OP that you seem to have landed yourself one of these fuckwits - sadly their twatty ways often only become obvious at stressful times in life, childbirth, illness, job loss etc - you are worth 10 of him, so although it seems terrible now, life changes and moves on and you will get through this- just takes a bit of time -believe me I’ve been there .