Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

100% This in a nutshell.

But also, as a consequence of the monumental sulk you can bet that he has someone else giving him "attention" and boosting his deflated ego, elsewhere.

What a fucker

get a lawyer, don’t leave the house, go for everything. The man is scum and you don’t deserve this OP.

I agree that counselling is about him making himself feel better about having done "everything " before he walks away.

Protect yourself by telling your family immediately.
You need to think only of yourself, baby, housing and work.

I would think his head has been turned too.
I'm so sorry.

So sorry to read your latest post OP, but TBH it is for the best. I, like the majority of PP, suspected a OW in some form, at least now you can have some certainty, and not waste time on introspection and identifying what you are doing wrong!

I am sorry, I know that you must be heartbroken, and advice "like what I am about to say" won't be welcome, but I am afraid that you have to be firm, determined, and kick him out - separate.

It may well be that he finds reality very unpleasant; being married with a family and also a bit on the side is a cushy number. Looking after himself and being a part-time dad isn't so much fun, but it is better for you and the DC. The next paragraph in the script, after you have separated, is that he decides that life is better as a loving couple, and wants to make it work. I am sure that this is what you are currently hoping for, but it may not be the best outcome for you.

Regardless of the final outcome, the next step is to separate. I am so sorry.

It never fails to surprise me how little some men expect things to change when a child comes along. Even for the most stable and together couples it’s like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship, sleep deprivation, the hormonal roller coaster of post birth, the reality of having a baby to look after, the possibility of PPD, it’s a lot to take in and no one, not a single soul, knows what it’s actually going to be like until they are actually doing it. And yet some men are all surprised Pikachu when suddenly, they have to step up.

He’s a complete dick for doing this to you. You deserve so much better. Don’t let him fob you off or leave you doing the majority of the work. Get legal advice and gather your circle close.

Don't know the law in UK, but in most places the first rule of separating is don't leave your house as it can be hard to return. Go to a solicitor and get an order to remove him. Even getting your personal possessions back can be hard as he can say you abandoned them. Know someone who left in a hurry during a dv incident and it still took over a year to get her stuff back through court.

Agree with PPs to chechez la femme

Just saw the most recent post. Condom got there because he put it there. He’s lying
Talk to your GP and HV to get support for you and baby and I hope you are ok at this really tough time

Sorry to hear you are going through this. TBH even before your update I was thinking 100% affair script even down to the spineless attempt to get you to ask for a divorce by being so passive and he can then tell himself and anyone who ill listen that you ended the marriage.

Don't waste your energy trying to find out more about the OW - literally not one reason to have a condom in your wallet unless the pair of you were planning to sex away from home and use condoms and even then that's a stretch - get your house in order and kick his butt out of the door. Absolutely agree with telling friends and family (including his if you're close enough) ASAP before he rewrites the truth and paints you as mad crazy lady he can't possibly live with. DO NOT move out under any circumstances and get the best lawyer you can afford. I would also do some financial detective work if he's a particularly high earner or self-employed as he could be hiding income/investments and the only chance you have of knowing this is whilst he's still in the home. Get copies and keep them safe.

On 50:50, it's highly unlikely that's what he'll actually do, but remember his ridiculously long hours and travel away may well magically reduce once he's not sneaking around with OW. I wonder if he's always done such long hours or has this been a recent thing?

Good luck OP. You've got this.

I read your first post and knew it was an affair. Fun on the side whilst you were battling PPD and a new born. As they say on here, ducks in a row.
It’s unrealistic he has 50/50 if he works shifts and different days. He’s your enemy now, and I know thats dramatic but the fuckers tend to turn nasty when you get your power back. It will be hard but be transactional about it all, he’s just been thinking with his dick and this is who he is now.

Excellent advice from @lechatnoir

What a horrible man.

You've only ben married 3 years and have a 9 month old baby.

And he's already started an affair, either while you were pregnant or soon afterwards.

I'm so sorry.
Sorry for you and sorry for your child who's got a tosser of a dad.

Condoms don't appear in a wallet- there is no condom fairy putting them there.

I bet this was his pathetic way of telling you about the affair. He's left it there for you.

Steel yourself while you do the legal stuff and lean on your family and friends as much as you need to.

I would have photographed the condom in the wallet and then sent him a dm asking for an explanation. Hopefully he would reply with something incriminating and gotcha.

Op, this time next year you are going to be looking back and wondering how/why you put up with the bastard. You and your dc are going to be so much happier and freer than you ever were with him around. You won’t have to see him moping around blaming you and dc for his unhappiness. You will no longer have to plead with him to help you. Whoever this ow is she has done you the biggest favour of your life. You just do not know it yet. But for now you can get through this. You have all the women of MN behind you.

You might have been critical or what not but it won’t be the true reason he’s leaving. It will be another woman but he’s doing the script on you and making you paranoid it’s you that’s caused this. No man walks out on his family when the baby is tiny unless there is another woman who has turned his head.

Men can be so pathetically basic sometimes

Even harder when Dad decides he's going to go and shag someone else.

I found myself in a similar situation to you OP. DH left me just before DC2 was born. DC1 was not quite 2. My world fell apart and I was sure I wouldn’t cope. Like you I had incredible family support. I had the baby by section and my mum was with me. DH also swore there was nobody else and I believed him. He lied.

That was nearly 20 years ago. I’ve had a lovely time raising my DC alone. ExH got married again and had another child and never sees our children now. The three of us are so close now, I definitely couldn’t have been this happy if I’d stayed with a weak and selfish man.

You'll work things out because you have to. You take one day at a time. And don’t beat yourself up if you have the odd bad day. I wish you could see me then and now, you’d realise you’re going to be just fine.

Good luck 💐

This man desperately needs some some
counseling. As soon as you said his dad left when he was a baby, it’s clear to see that history, as it often does is repeating its self. That’s not to say that you need to put up with a husband who is cheating on you though. But if he’s going to be a good father, with or without you he needs to get his shit together. My husband had similar abandonment issues. The shit hit the fan after we had kids, we had couples counseling, the counselor told him needed to see someone on his own to help him with his issues. 6 years down the line, he is now an amazing parent, probably better than me now. But he was committed to doing the work in himself.
I would also like to add, that although this is a very worrying time for you, things will get better and you are stronger than you think.

Firstly, I'm so sorry OP. This is awful and my heart breaks for you.

Secondly, I wish people would read the updates from the OP. The amount of people posting about how hard parenting is and he might be depressed (?!). Absolute bullshit. He's pissed off that his wife's focus is on the baby, the OP has (understandably!) changed as a person and so he's gone off to stroke his ego elsewhere. Tale as old as time.

Finally, do not for one second even consider couples counselling with this man! The amount of times we read on here about men who have decided to leave their marriage / relationship / family because they are struggling with MH so the OP desperately signs them up to counselling (which the DH go along with purely for show and to look like they're making an effort), only to find out they've been having an affair. That is NOT what therapy is for!!!

oh FFS, what a twat. It takes a very crappy type of person to cheat on his wife while she's just had a baby. He say's he wants 50/50 now but does he realise how much hard work a baby/toddler is - because that sounds like the real problem - as soon as a bit of hard work has been needed he's gone off with someone else. What a twat.

You need to look after yourself. You do what is best for you and baby, he has messed the marriage up - the separation and divorce should be on your terms. He does not get to dictate the rest of your life.

He really is a horrible man,isn’t he?
Not much of a loss.

@Thepebblesareblue start using you joint account/cash to stock up on stuff for DS. Also don’t agree to anything ultimatums he gives you wait for legal advice.

Posters on here have often said their DH only made plans to move out when they had someone else to go to .I agree with Flatwhiteextrahot .I wish you all the best.

Just read your update, I'm so sorry. He is cheating on you. You need to make a decision otherwise he'll just carry on. Life's too short for you to waste your time on this man. You deserve better.

Tell him you can help jog his memory, he bought it and put it there so he can fuck someone else.

I'm sorry OP