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Original poster

Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

513 replies

Thepebblesareblue · 27/09/2025 09:00

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

OP posts:
OldGothsFadeToGrey · 02/10/2025 10:10

Narcises2012 · 02/10/2025 09:52

I am very sorry OP. Trust your gut that he doesn't have affair. It is important to have trust in relationships. It is very common for young families to go through phase where they feel very down, unable to accept such a big change. I understand that your baby is 9 months young, but in general terms everything is still new and forever changing circumstances, routines can be hard to navigate. This is that crucial point where it becomes harder then ever. Usually one person will experiance more upset then the other and fathers too can have post natal depression ( even after 9 months of having baby). Be as much supportive as you can, it appears he is struggling emotionally. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you - I bet he does, because you sound very genuinely concerned about him and your little family. Please also do not neglect your own emotional needs. It is very easy to quit everything, yet both of you won't have fixed anything by doing that. If you both love and respect one another then you should speak to someone, and if you both will still feel that it is best to part the ways afyer counseling, then at least you both will have conclusive understanding why. I hope you both will be able to ride it out and be more united then ever. Wishing you patience and love.

You should perhaps have read all of OPs posts

Sun25 · 02/10/2025 10:14

He's struggling because he's not the centre of your attention anymore and because taking care of a child is hard hard work. Agree with others that he may also have someone else lined up.

Don't sleepwalk into 50:50. If he feels like things have changed too much since you had a child how likely is it that he can actually provide 50% care? Does he do anywhere near that right now? If he does have someone else lined up chances are she will end up doing 50% of his 50%!

50:50 is generally a mythical vision in my view, I think I only a few men can do it and genuinely understand what it means. Mostly the mental load will remain on mum. Protect yourself and your child's well-being.

autumn2025 · 02/10/2025 10:14

He’s cheated/ has been cheating/still is cheating. Simple as that. Blokes a spineless cunt. This is what happens when they get found out they get nasty and gas light and manipulate the situation, they push the blame on you. I’ve had this so I know how it works. I’d tell him to fuck off, and I’d sort a solicitor asap and get the divorce rolling. What a pig of a man. Let her have him, he’s shown his true colours. Why would he have a condom in his wallet? Like come on you’re not stupid and I know he thinks you are and can somehow get himself out of this. What a complete prick.

AncoraAmarena · 02/10/2025 10:19

Dear @Thepebblesareblue, this is like deja vue to me although my child was 3 months old.

Please take the advice of everyone here, especially about putting things in writing. He is trying to gaslight you, you will end up doubting yourself and your own sanity if you don't put everything down in writing as and when it happens.

I really feel for you but you will come through this stronger than ever.

Spookyspaghetti · 02/10/2025 10:22

Dery · 27/09/2025 09:27

I’ve said it a few times on threads recently but becoming a father really sorts the men from the boys. Sadly, sounds like your husband is still a boy who doesn’t like no longer being the centre of your attention.

The early years of parenting are very demanding and hard on the couple relationship. Responsible adults in a healthy relationship who’ve just brought an additional, very dependent human into the world recognise this and proceed accordingly - they don’t just cut and run.

And even if there’s no specific other woman, he’s almost certainly had his head turned by the lifestyle of colleagues who don’t have pressing family commitments.

Sorry you’ve been so badly let down, OP. How painful and disappointing for you.

Yes, I agree with this. Also, very few men are mentally prepared for after the birth. We can feel and communicate with baby for 9 months so are acutely aware of the reality. My husband assumed that a newborn would just sleep all the time. I can count on my had how many times DD went down for a proper nap in the day between 0-7 months.

Endofyear · 02/10/2025 10:23

I'm so sorry OP but the condom in the wallet would make me thinking he's sleeping with someone else. His explanation is pretty pathetic isn't it ☹️ can you get some support from family and friends? You shouldn't have to go through this alone with a small baby. Look after yourself lovely 💐

80smonster · 02/10/2025 10:25

I’d speak to my boss and request full time hours. Then speak to family and see if they can help with your 50%. Once you’ve nailed this, speak to your ex and confirm that he will need to do 50% of all childcare, sit down with a calendar and pen together (pretty sure you will see the blood drain from his face as the penny drops on what is ahead). Sadly men are very shallow creatures, you’re going to have to remind him what responsibilities look like. Sorry this is happening OP. Oh and I’d get an expensive lawyer to pound him for his pension, too.

givemesteel · 02/10/2025 10:29

Same thing happened to me OP, 9 month old baby. He was having an affair.

I'm sorry OP but no one walks out on a relationship with a new baby unless they are.

givemesteel · 02/10/2025 10:29

80smonster · 02/10/2025 10:25

I’d speak to my boss and request full time hours. Then speak to family and see if they can help with your 50%. Once you’ve nailed this, speak to your ex and confirm that he will need to do 50% of all childcare, sit down with a calendar and pen together (pretty sure you will see the blood drain from his face as the penny drops on what is ahead). Sadly men are very shallow creatures, you’re going to have to remind him what responsibilities look like. Sorry this is happening OP. Oh and I’d get an expensive lawyer to pound him for his pension, too.

Edited

Don't do this. You'll get a much better settlement if you're not working OP.

KatyaKanani · 02/10/2025 10:35

Thepebblesareblue · 27/09/2025 09:16

He is saying he’s been unhappy for a while and probably has been saying it since 4 months ish? He said I criticise him too much and make him feel like he’s not doing enough and is therefore a bad dad when I ask him to do more ie help me with the clothes shopping for him or to get involved in his birthday plans

That's absolutely pathetic. Of course things change when you have a baby! He's not the centre of attention.
How awful to walk out on your wife and baby like that. How much support do you have?

askmenow · 02/10/2025 10:36

Happyjoe · 02/10/2025 10:05

Attack is a form of defence. Am so sorry OP, I really am. Please please don't let him lay blame at your feet and be kind to yourself.

Show quote history

Speak to your family, garner any support you can to hold you up in this time of uncertainty.
And get angry….FAST.

GP appt to sign you off for another two weeks.

Speak to your manager to reassure them you will be returning to work.

Get all your ducks in a row, the financials/ his salary/ pensions/ savings so you have any details a solicitor may require.

If you can, while he’s on the back foot, get him to sign the house over to you even tho likely it’s a recent purchase.

You can rent out a room to cover the mortgage. Or a parking space if near a station or town.

There are ways of making a house work for you. And you say you are near family so will have help if you stay.
Firstly, find your anger. good luck OP. 💐

KatyaKanani · 02/10/2025 10:37

Spookyspaghetti · 02/10/2025 10:22

Yes, I agree with this. Also, very few men are mentally prepared for after the birth. We can feel and communicate with baby for 9 months so are acutely aware of the reality. My husband assumed that a newborn would just sleep all the time. I can count on my had how many times DD went down for a proper nap in the day between 0-7 months.

Edited
Show quote history

Why would he assume that? We assumed nothing, which was a good job, because we had a very unsettled colicky baby. My DH stepped up and we parented together.
I think this man has options elsewhere, which he finds more attractive.

KatyaKanani · 02/10/2025 10:39

autumn2025 · 02/10/2025 10:14

He’s cheated/ has been cheating/still is cheating. Simple as that. Blokes a spineless cunt. This is what happens when they get found out they get nasty and gas light and manipulate the situation, they push the blame on you. I’ve had this so I know how it works. I’d tell him to fuck off, and I’d sort a solicitor asap and get the divorce rolling. What a pig of a man. Let her have him, he’s shown his true colours. Why would he have a condom in his wallet? Like come on you’re not stupid and I know he thinks you are and can somehow get himself out of this. What a complete prick.

In a nutshell 👍.
He doesn't need help or counselling, he needs to be dealt with firmly and not pandered to.

ManteesRock · 02/10/2025 10:40

Seriously everyone is going to tell you he has someone else but that's not necessarily it. He could have post natal depression. I know many don't think men can get it but they absolutely can.
My now ex (totally unrelated reason for divorce) had it with all 3 of my children, and no affairs there he was always home or at work and as he worked with my dad I knew exactly when he was at work!
But when each of them got to 2/3 months old he suddenly felt he wasn't good enough for us, wasn't going to be a good dad etc. We went to counselling each time and got through it.
But through counselling I did learn that I wasn't helping the situation if he changed nappies I would tell him that I'd have done it differently etc, telling him to support their heads etc if he was holding them.
He's said he'll go to counselling so do it!

askmenow · 02/10/2025 10:42

And record any conversations with him.

autumn2025 · 02/10/2025 10:42

ManteesRock · 02/10/2025 10:40

Seriously everyone is going to tell you he has someone else but that's not necessarily it. He could have post natal depression. I know many don't think men can get it but they absolutely can.
My now ex (totally unrelated reason for divorce) had it with all 3 of my children, and no affairs there he was always home or at work and as he worked with my dad I knew exactly when he was at work!
But when each of them got to 2/3 months old he suddenly felt he wasn't good enough for us, wasn't going to be a good dad etc. We went to counselling each time and got through it.
But through counselling I did learn that I wasn't helping the situation if he changed nappies I would tell him that I'd have done it differently etc, telling him to support their heads etc if he was holding them.
He's said he'll go to counselling so do it!

Come on OP found a condom in his wallet! She was shocked to see that because obviously that’s not normal and they don’t use condoms. He will if he’s shagging someone else? 🤦🏼‍♀️ why would you have a condom in your wallet?

Sun25 · 02/10/2025 10:43

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 09:38

Thanks everyone. Reeling. He’s become really quite mean and someone I don’t recognise since I told him I’d found it. He’s saying things like ‘there is no infidelity, but you can choose your own version of that’. I asked him to leave because he is twisting things. I told him he has held me in a place of instability for too long and that the treatment is wholly unacceptable and he has accused me of gaslighting him and said he’s worried I’m going to make false accusations. I don’t really know how to respond from here, I am so shocked.

Ok, I hadn't read this before my other post. Red flags here. Sadly, I think you have to consider that the accusations he's throwing at you (gaslighting, you're going to make false accusations) are actually things he is doing/ prepare to do. I've seen this before, it's the narcissists playbook in action. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. Seek legal advice, especially about your child. If he is a narcissist 50:50 isn't about wanting to try and be as fully as possible in the child's life, it's usually about control and punishment.

autumn2025 · 02/10/2025 10:44

@Sun25110% even though they are doing wrong and they are the ones who are gas lighting and manipulating the situation they always try and punish the other person for it.

KatyaKanani · 02/10/2025 10:44

I agree. He's gaslighting you. Don't accept this nasty behaviour, it's not good for you and the baby.
I wonder how long the affair has been going on, or if he's just never been faithful?

Washingupdone · 02/10/2025 10:51

As I have already posted, earlier today, please make an appointment with a solicitor, so that you can be confident as to where you stand for your future and your DC’s.
He will play with your insecurity and make you agree to all he wants.

plantingandpotting · 02/10/2025 10:59

What an absolute arsehole.

Sorry you and your child are going through this, OP. Get the house on the market and start divorce proceedings - don't engage with him beyond logistics.

He's a gaslighting prat and talking won't get you anywhere.

MikeRafone · 02/10/2025 10:59

sorry for what is happening to you and your dc, its really unpleasant (sadly experienced the same thing)

I would say, you have stated you can't afford to stay in the family home - have you looked at entitled2 website and plugged in your wages as a single parent (sorry sounds harsh and don't want to upset you) and checked out your situation with regards UC and council tax relief to see whether you truly couldn't afford to stay in the family home ? On top there should be maintenance from your babies father

id seriously sit down and work out the figures - as unless your on over £40k per year you are likely to get UC and also on top of that 70%/80% of your child care paid along with the other 30 hours etc + child maintenance at approximately 15% of his net income

BippidyBoppety · 02/10/2025 11:00

Affair or not, you've seen another side of your DH, a man who could / would leave his wife and baby, turn lives upside down, lose your home etc. I don't think I could respect or come back from that, no matter what Relate or other help you seek as a couple.

My "DH" left when our son was 6 weeks old; as others have said, he was no longer the centre of attention. DH came back a few weeks later but, looking back at that time, I can see now I was walking on eggshells, my life, my needs came third for the rest of our time together (20+ years). His choice of holidays, time for his hobbies and interests, etc. He dumped me when he turned 50 to chase after his mates 33 year old wife. Please, OP, don't be me.

Another2356 · 02/10/2025 11:00

Give him the child to look after whilst you return to work full time, see how long the new gf sticks around.

Muffinmam · 02/10/2025 11:02

What an absolute POS.

He has been cheating on you. He is absolutely pathetic.

I’m so sorry you’re with this loser.

Don’t put anything in writing to him. See a lawyer and make sure you get everything you’re financially entitled to.