Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

Fucking men, so tired of reading this shit. I’m sorry that your child has got such a shit dad OP. Move on and find someone who does love you.

It might not be an affair. When I had my DD I realised I was desperately unhappy with my ex, he never helped unless I begged, keep telling me I wasn't giving him attention and took several thousand out of pur account without discussing it with me. Putting us into the red, kept disappearing up the pub and massively isolated me. Do the counselling, to buy time to get your ducks in a row

A lot of men can’t cope with not being the centre of attention when a baby comes along. But he seems to have pushed you away and then suggested counselling. A lot of men also seek emotional support/physical from other women. It sounds like counselling could help. But finding a condom and him working away does not look good. I wouldn’t agree to 50/50 if he can’t provide a set routine days etc for your child.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! It feels like he's completely bailing on you and your baby because things are rough! Which they are! I have a 18 month old and I'm not ashamed to admit that I extremely struggled until she was about 1 (pnd, unmedicated ADHD, baby had severe reflux). Our relationship completely changed and there was so much stress and arguments that we never had before. I felt like bailing at times if I'm honest! Now though we're in a good flow, I love our wee family and our relationship is good again, it really is a stressful time and as someone who usually bails from every stressful situation they've been in before it was SO HARD to push through. Not that I'm excusing anything btw just another perspective, I think he doesn't want to leave he's just overwhelmed and feels like there's no end in sight? Or he's a complete bastard and having an affair right enough!

So there is another OW, or a string of casual conquests. What a slimeball. So sorry, OP, you must be reeling. But if you can, arrange to speak to a solicitor. I can foresee your DH’s vagueness about custody arrangements being a nightmare to deal with, with him thinking he can just have the baby when he wants. You need to get legal advice to draw up a formal arrangement. And in the meantime start telling people IRL so you have support to lean on.

As I was reading your posts it was very familiar to me. This was exactly what happened to me when my baby was the same age, down to the let’s go to therapy but it won’t work. That’s because he’s thinking about how to make himself look less of a bad guy when it comes out there’s someone else. Please don’t take him back when he realises what he’s done. You will never get over it. Sorry but he’s definitely got someone else.

Hard as it is OP, you need to find the strength to get yourself back to work on Friday. Raising a baby alone, counselling and paying for legal costs is not going to be easy. Thankfully you have family support.

What a piece of shit. I'm so sorry.

Construct a message to send to his entire family, all his friends and anyone else in your social circle who matters that your DH is having an affair, and you'll be separating. Then say absolutely nothing to him ever again beyond the absolute minimum. Do not allow him to shame you or shape the narrative. You and your baby are going to be fine x

Women expect men to change - but they just reveal more about themselves, with time.

Men expect women to never change - and then get shocked when pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, elder care, menopause, time etc change us.

The surprise when suddenly they are no longer the centre of the wife's universe can be extreme. Someone else now has first call on your attention, and many of them resent that and feel all sullen and nose out of joint.

So what they then do is sniff around for something like what they used to have - a woman's full attention on him. And it seems from your discovery that that's what's happened here.

Sadly this man does not have any clear sense of what a relationship is, what a family is, because of his own background. He probably never will.

Living with depression is frightening. Living with someone with depression is frightening. Are you seeking and taking all the professional support you can?

Reach out to the family and let him know what he's done; you'll be needing them.

And seek legal advice. Get angry. Get into mama bear mode. He has a duty to support his child. Do not let him dictate how things go.

What an arsehole. Lean on your support network as much as you can, take it one day at a time. You will get through this.

And don’t do anything for this turd. No laundry, meals, nothing. Focus on yourself and baby and leave him to it.

It’s the script. He’s been laying the groundwork to lay some of the blame on you.

All parents with young babies feel the strain!! He’s either having an affair or he’s a spineless coward who can’t deal with a little bit of adversity.

Agree seek some shit hot legal advice asap!!

If a man has a child then 99% of the time men leave a relationship because of another woman ( rarely a man). Women leave for many other reasons . . . Whatever the reason for your husband wanting to leave, you need to prepare and get good legal advice. Also read ‘The Script’ .

God if you were my Dd I would be furious. I would have to hold myself back from going round to your place with a pitchfork.

You took on a massive two person endeavour together and pledged to do it together and your team mate has turned tail and left you high and dry to manage alone. Even if he goes off to be monk I would be furious. Cowardly selfish weak snake.

It is hugely tough on some men when there’s a baby. Their wife isn’t there for them in the same way, he’s not No1, he has to step up with helping with boring chores. My husband was ok-ish with DS1 but when DS2 arrived 20 months later he’d had enough and we got the full depression-sulks.

That’s a shame. Your husbands sounds pretty rubbish @Theroadt

The first year after having a baby is so tough. Your life changes, your relationship changes, your world changes. When people say marriages are hard and having kids is hard this is exactly what they mean. You both need to decide if you are ready to give up at the first hurdle (and that really is the first hurdle, there are plenty more to come). Personally, I would be prepared to stick it out and do all I can to continue the relationship, provided there is no abuse or disrespect. Take him up on the offer for family counseling. What you are both going through is a very normal part of becoming parents but you do need to listen to each other and be ready to work to improve things. You will find your feet, but it takes the desire to stick it out and work hard to achieve it. Wishing you the best of luck.

Sorry to read your update.

How fucking dare he talk to you about cooperation.

Agree a schedule with him to care for the baby. Dont let him mess you around under the guise of being flexible. He may need to change jobs. Remind him this is what he wanted.

My husband was absolutely awesome. Hell would have frozen over before he left us let alone then. It was hard but we were a team together. His friends and the husbands of my friends the same. So don’t try and say this normal and what men are like.

absolutely this. This is not ‘the norm’ or just typical male behaviour that should be accepted or expected as such. Having a baby is incredibly tough for the first year but none of the dads and partners I know have cut and run like this. I had PPD twice and we had some very difficult periods with unemployment and severe sleep deprivation in the mix but my partner was there through it all and we supported each other. You deserve so much more than this OP.

A baby is a huge shift and it's can change even the most together couples. My husband and I had 13 years of sheer blissful harmony before having a child, and when we had him we tiffed more than we ever had.

Just small things and never went to bed angry, but we recognised it was because a) we were sleep deprived with a refluxy newborn and b) we had never collaborated on a "project" before, working as a team through that first year especially is hard. My husband however was so loving, hands on, genuinely 50/50 with babyband house. That's as it should be.

You're still post partum too, it's such a betrayal to leave after feeling sad for 5 mere months when a new baby has changed you world.

He isn't giving things enough time to settle, I found about the 9 to 12 month mark we really got into our groove. It feels aeons ago now a year later!

I can't believe how selfish he's being to you and his little one, changing things so much and potentially hardly seeing him. Is he hands on now? Why on earth can't he see that this part of life is fleeting, stressful, and TEMPORARY.

Make sure you go back to work and protect your job and career.

More importantly remind the fool that he has his half of the childcare to pay for. After he is working full time.

Dear @Thepebblesareblue

Im so very sorry you’re going through this right before you return to work .

I have been a completely lone parent from new born and it is doable and I’ve been very happy.

Remember just for now, you don’t know what will happen with him in the future - so try not to get too upset - you may get back or you may meet the most wonderful person so use this to try and stay as calm as you can in this difficult circumstances.

What you do need to do is return to work and focus on your job AND your new routine.
If I were you, I would put all other noise aside, muster as much strength, focus, anger, support and self care that you can and do everything possible to make this return successful.

You will need to be as strong as you’ve ever been, but you can do this 💪. Look after yourself and your baby. Get your nursery or drop off routine working. Get your food shopping deliveries, and house routine as organised as you can.
Just focus on these logistics and ensure work goes smoothly as you may really need this job.

I would make a call to a family lawyer and also make sure you’re aware of savings and pensions but I wouldn’t initiate anything at this stage just understand your situation and how maintenance works. (He’s not going to have 50% - he’s just saying that to get out of paying).
I would make no attempt whatsoever to sell the house or change the home or contemplate moving from it. Especially whilst you’re establishing this routine of work and motherhood. I would just focus on yourself and your baby.
Good luck OP xx

Can you imagine if your husband did a massive thing that benefitted you both but affected him physically and you promised to help with it then you left him at the crucial time he was struggling the most to shag other men. Would you do that? Bet you wouldn’t and neither would most women.

Some men struggle with a baby as they aren’t getting the attention they got before.

If he is willing to leave now, when he knows you need him, he isn’t worth fighting for.

There have been many women who have been in your situation. It’s not nice but you need to focus on you and your baby.

The first year of parenting hits relationships hard.