Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

Thank you. Reading back I wasn’t clear…don’t rush back I’d she can find income to support…but aim to get back into work at school age..don’t drop out entirely. Part time is a possible options as keeps her career ticking but spending time with child as primary care giver. Only she knows. Wanted to counter the SAHM/become kept woman posters…bad advice imhe

Don't listen to those saying he won't go for 50:50. Even men who haven't done a day of 50:50 in their life and who aren't prepared to change their setup eg. Work schedule DO go for 50:50. It becomes about their rights and their desire to continue to control and punish you. Mostly they feel it's their right to have 50:50 - they don't focus on what's in the best interests of the child. Neither do they care about the impact on a mother post birth and recovering from PND.

I believe that these days courts default to 50:50 but don't take my word for this. They may consider your PND. I'm not sure they will consider the breastfeeding based on a case I know of, but I'm not an expert. Get legal advice sooner rather than later. Do it quietly and do it now.

OP one thing- if he asks for 50/50 it doesn’t get to be “when he can” courts will expect him to adjust his working hours to accommodate as any other parent would have to. He doesn’t get to say, not this week I’ve got work. He’d have to apply for set hours/ a new job. Whatever not your problem but he’s not going to get 50/50 if he can’t do that.

honestly why would you even want to save something with a man who’s happy to call it quits 9 months after having a baby? Parenting has changed you? Well no shit. You both wanted a family and now he has to face up to the reality of it. Affair or not. And yes.. the condom is no shock here. I’m extremely sorry for you. He’s not ready to be a grown man or a father, clearly.

do what’s best for you and your son now- and it’s not this man. What a disappointment for you. But you deserve a heck of a lot better. Don’t let him lead you on with nothingness and vague uncommitted promises.

what a horrible man to do this to you.

I'd offer him every other weekend and a night midweek. If he's not around because he's working then he doesn't get to see DS and has to wait until the next scheduled time, then you can make plans.

Tbh if he's got himself a side piece there's no way he will go for 50/50. Babies are passion killers and it sounds like he wants to start living a bachelor lifestyle.

Did your relationship develop very quickly?

Sorry if that was your experience, undoubtedly tough.

There's great advice on this thread OP. Full of practical tips. Whatever you do, don't stop breastfeeding - that will really help you if you are worried about him trying to go for custody (which he probably won't do anyway).

I think the main thing is forget about what he wants or needs. Forget what he's saying about gaslighting. The man had a condom in his wallet - he may not have had sex with someone else yet but he's clearly considering it as a possibility.

Get yourself to a lawyer and get your free consultation - you need to look out for yourself and your baby now. Fuck him. Focus on you both.

In my experience, marriages end either because of abuse or because they met someone else. I have yet to see anyone walk away for any other reason than those 2. That’s it.

There is no way on earth your husband would rather be ‘by himself’ managing the baby on weekends, rather than be with you, living in his nice house and doing it all, he has met someone else.

Im sorry this has happened to you and wish you and your baby all the very best x

OP you should not agree to be his backstop childcare. If he can’t agree set hours with his employer he can’t have 50:50 care and will need to pay maintenance to acknowledge that you cannot work as much. I’m sure this wasn’t part of his plan, however

stop being so concerned with what he wants. Work out what you want, what is right for your little one, and get legal advice. He doesn’t get to call all the shots.

You don’t get along now you’ve had a baby. More likely he doesn’t want to give up his so called freedom and be a Dad and partner. Kick him to the kerb and move you. You and your baby deserve much better than him.

Please contact a solicitor and get some dependable professional advice.

He'll be claiming he wants 50 50 - this is nonsense. He can't cope with co-parenting now, so how the hell will he parent solo 50% of the time?

He's trying to get out of the child maintenance he knows he'll be responsible for.

No way will the bit on the side want another woman's baby around, taking his time, attention and money, and hopefully making her feel guilty.

Do not leave your home. He must leave. Get your family involved.

Do not engage with him - he's gaslighting YOU, with DARVO tactics.

Honestly, get yourself a copy of The Script.

And don't waste your time with counselling - they do this, to whitewash themselves.

My approach would be keep him sweet to buy you time to get everything arranged in your favor. Don't give him any indication that you'll be playing hardball when it comes to divorce, let him think it's going to be easy.

Good point.

This & Solicitor.

All of this. Don't show him your fears, he will use them against you. He is a nasty nasty piece of work. Show strength even if you don't feel it, scum like him only understand firm boundaries. He's not remorseful or sorry, so there's no point trying to have an open conversation with him.

Oh op so sorry of course you changed as parents if he’s cheating very likely let him go tell him he can have contact when your no longer bf and tell him he can’t have 50/50 due to his work and you need someone reliable and responsible to take care of dc when your at work. could you ask for work for 3 months extended leave so you can get used to your new life? It’s going be so hard. Also make sure he pays the maximum child support what a cunt sorry but it makes me so mad that dads can’t just start again because it’s hard work fuck him. Please look after yourself the ow will come out soon they won’t be hidden forever.

Urgh I remember when I was getting divorced and my mum overheard me arguing with STBXH. He was after 50:50 and I was tearfully arguing DC were too small. Mum pointed out he wanted me to do that- I was helpfully playing the role of fierce mum refusing to let him have as much contact as he wanted.

When we finally got to mediation he opened with 50:50 and I said what about EOW and he rolled over immediately- the mediator didn’t seem surprised at all and I wonder how many of them do that so they can honestly say ‘well I asked for 50:50’ (once) to their new GFs

This is really sad. I'm sorry OP. I remember feeling like I wasn't happy when I first had my baby and kept wanting to end my relationship with my DP. We are still together 5 years on. Maybe he has post natal depression, apparently men get it too..obviously things change when you have a baby but what did he expect? He doesn't seem very committed!? Don't let him have it easy, he chose this.. let him go but ensure you stick to 50/50 he will have to change his job. It shouldn't always fall on the woman to make the changes and carry burdens..

When this exact same thing happened to me it was eventually discovered he was having an affair.
I have to say I found solace in my job and found a great nursery where my child was safe and cared for.
I also worked part time, sold the family home bought something smaller I could afford, I did get all the equity because the child came first and I was the main carer/ parent.
Some help from grandparents but only so I could work extra when needed.
You need to sort out a solicitor and get advice. Take a trusted parent or friend with you if that helps. The legal process can be complex youve just had a baby and you need a strong person to advocate for you and baby.
You and baby come first.
He comes last.
Hes on his way out im afraid.
So sad but life goes on you will need all the love and support you can get though dont be afraid to ask.

Also, if you have an Employee Assistance Program at work, you can use this.

Even if you are in maternity leave.
you can get counselling for free, up to 8 sessions

it is totally confidential

EAP also provide many other services, including FAMILY LAW advice by a solicitor for one hour over the phone.

She will give you bullet points on exactly what to do now. This will give you clarity and facts.

Call them today. If your work place do not have an Employee Assistance Programme? You can use the one from your husbands workplace!! I cannot emphasise how much this legal advice will stand to you.

Call them today. It’s completely confidential. Good luck x

How convenient. He wants 50/50 to avoid child maintenance but can’t have ds 50% of the time. Seeing as there is another woman on the scene, be surprised if he even wants him weekends.

So sorry you're going through this OP. What a pig. My XH propositioned 50/50 while he goes on holidays for 2 months at a time. Literally said, we can do 50/50 and then I won’t need to pay you £150 a month!

Since this fucker clearly has no balls, kick him in the 2nd best place..his pocket.

I did this, he was pulling my top up by the time I got home! He was also breastfed to sleep until age 2

I had an awful divorce when my ds was a similar age. I felt like I had been hit by a bus and did cry myself to sleep for a good few months.

A few years later, I look back and it seems like another lifetime.

You will get through this op. Start the divorce on gov.uk. It’s around £600 but all done online (finances and child arrangements will be seperate). Don’t let him gaslight you. Court is very unlikely to grant 50/50 at this age especially if you breastfeed. Let him take you to court.

He is just saying it to intimidate you into not getting any cms. Go to a solicitor. I know it can be a lot of money but have the initial consultation. I felt much better once I had my initial one.

Don't do this.
You haven't gaslighted him OP. Quite clearly it's the other way around.
If he found a condom in your bag he'd think the same.

If you find yourself having to explain why your behaviour and reaction is 'rational' even though it clearly is and having to deal with someone playing dumb acting like they don't know what the big deal is about something like a condom in his wallet then that's a sure sign that someone is gaslighting you.

You know what you found OP, you know that everyone else would have the same suspicions so do not get dragged into defending yourself, that often makes the effects of the gaslighting worse because it's so frustrating.

Darling, I say this with so much love. But hes being unfaithful, your words, and his could have been my situation exactly when DD was 8 months old. Hes reacting in a mean way, because hes been caught out and doesn't want to look the bad guy, so hes deflecting onto you. Don't absorb it girl, see it for what it is, he is showing you who he really is right now, in the most vulnerable time of your life, thats what he does. Believe him. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions, and trust me when I tell you, you take yourself away as an option.. that will spook him. My husband was blocking and unblocking his AP. They had both set the whole thing up to be totally untraceable. Just so happens she fell for him so became gobby about it, else I would have never known. It hurts, and trust me I know it does, but abandoning yourself worth, hurts so much more. Its the ultimate life sentence. Over someones dusty son. NO. Sending love girl xxxx

So, he’s suggesting someone else snuck it into his wallet?

The lack of a good father role model may make it more challenging for him. But that shouldn’t be a reason to lack respect for his DP by failing to acknowledge and support you in what you’ve had to endure in terms of (presumably) pregnancy, birth, post-partum and breastfeeding. It’s a huge physical, hormonal, mental and psychological roller-coaster. Plus, like him, you’re also grappling with being a new parent and all the lack of sleep and time to yourself (and for each other) that entails. Surely, he didn’t think it’d be plain-sailing? Parenting’s hard work.

Work out what’s best for you and aim for that. IMHO if he can’t explain a condom in his wallet, then what’s best for you is not to trust him to be honest or do the right thing by you.